Recognizing And Releasing Should Shields

This episode focuses on the intention of helping you identify the Should Shields stacked againsted you, and the ones you stack against others and yourself, and how to release so you can shift today into a greater tomorrow.

Transcript

Okay,

You might want to go ahead and grab a journal or something to write with because I'll end this episode with a bit of a prompt exercise with the intention of helping you identify your should shields to release so that you can shift today into a greater tomorrow.

Here we go.

Welcome back to shift today with Alison.

I'm Alison Shuhazi your host.

Thanks for joining me.

It's a beautiful day here in Little Rock,

Arkansas.

And today we're going to talk about really recognizing and releasing the should shields.

I have mentioned should shields in just about every episode that I've done so far.

So I thought,

You know what,

Let's just do a whole episode on the should shield recognizing them and then move forward to releasing them so that we can try to live a more effortless life and teach others how to do it as well.

Okay,

But before we get going,

I am going to start with the foundation of fundamentals.

These are things that I use when I'm working with my clients.

And I thought,

You know what,

Why am I not sharing them at the beginning of my episode?

So I thought,

Let's do it today.

And they fit really well with the should shields,

Especially the recognition and then the releasing of them.

So and I apologize.

I'm a little stuffy.

Pollen is very thick here in Little Rock.

So I apologize now for my sexy,

Snotty sounding voice.

Well,

I don't know,

Maybe not sexy snotty doesn't go together.

But anyway,

Let's just jump in.

Okay,

So the foundation fundamentals when working with me,

Are number one,

You are in charge of your feelings,

And I am in control of my feelings.

So however you are feeling,

You know,

A lot of times we say phrases such as I don't want to hurt their feelings or,

Or so and so hurt my feelings or whatever.

And not that these are negated and not true.

However,

You are in charge of how you feel and how you react to something and how you behave after the fact just as I am in charge of mine too.

So if you're about to say I don't want to hurt your feelings,

You're already setting it up to probably do something kind of rude and disrespectful.

So just so you know,

Whatever you say or do and however I react,

That's on me.

My reactions and how I feel,

Just like if I say something,

And you react a different way,

Maybe I say something that is offensive,

And you get angry or frustrated or whatever it is,

That is how you feel and I have to allow you to have those feelings,

But it goes both ways.

So just keep that in mind.

Just as a fundamental of life,

Right?

Number two,

We all have an abundance of choices.

I know I've mentioned this before in other episodes,

But just a reminder,

You have a choice on how you want to feel and how you want to react,

How you want to behave and how you want to move forward,

Or if you just want to stay still and stay angry.

So that's completely up to you.

But we have an abundance of choices in this world.

And it's up to you what choices you are making.

Number three,

There is a difference between expectation and intention.

I truly believe this.

I feel like I have to remind my clients of this,

Because I hear I expect this or so and so expects that from me.

It kind of goes along with the feelings thing.

If you are leading with expectations,

And not that expectations are bad,

However,

They're very definitive and they have to be exact,

Right?

So for instance,

If you're listening to this podcast,

And you're like,

I am going to walk away with this.

And I'm going to know exactly what I need to do to move forward for my should shields.

Okay,

Well,

That's not true.

What you could do is come to this podcast and sit here and listen patiently.

And think,

You know what,

I am going to do the very best I can.

I'm going to listen,

I'm going to pay attention,

And then I'm going to do what's best for me moving forward.

That is leading with intention.

Okay,

Number four,

Wisdom arrives when you're ready to live it.

So whether you're five or you're 105,

The moment you're ready to live and acknowledge the wisdom that you have,

And that's when you're living with it.

So it's pretty cool.

And number five,

This one I always like to include,

Remember not to be so serious all the time.

We tend to get so stuck and,

And being serious about so many things and I have to put this on the list because sometimes I get way too serious as well.

So there we go.

All right,

It's time to move forward.

Today we are talking about should shields and recognizing them and releasing or shifting them into a more positive direction into the flow,

You know,

That intuition flow that I love to talk about.

So what does a should shield look like,

You know,

And how does it make me feel like it definitely looks like something maybe not physically,

But it could I mean,

You could make a physical should shield.

But a should shield always comes with a feeling like most things in life,

Right?

So how I define a should shield are shoulds that are stacked against us,

And the shoulds we stacked against others.

Okay,

So I have a whole list of examples here when I go through these with you.

So you can kind of get the gist of what I'm talking about with the should shields.

They really actually go three ways.

They are things that people think we should and or should not do,

Right?

It's things we think others should,

Should and not do.

And then we end up stacking some against ourselves because we keep listening to all of the shoulds.

I should,

Should I do this or shouldn't I should or shouldn't I so you we kind of get stuck in this this realm of we can't move forward until we get approval from somebody else or 12 people or whatever it is.

So anyway,

Let's get to this example I have of all the should shields that possibly could happen.

You shouldn't eat that because it'll make you fat.

You shouldn't wear that.

What will people think?

You should be friends with this person and you shouldn't associate with that one.

She should not be married to that person.

She should treat her kids this way.

She should raise her kids this way.

You shouldn't feel that way.

You should meditate.

You should attend college.

You should get married.

And you shouldn't get divorced.

You should love them.

They're your family after all.

You should buy a house you should have a baby.

You shouldn't pursue your dream because you won't make any money.

You should do exactly what I say.

Get my drift?

Does this make sense?

Have you heard some of these and there's so many of them,

But it's just good.

Now,

One thing to keep in mind,

This is a concept and these are behaviors and demands and they go both ways.

These things that we mostly feel right from others of the shoulds that we should and should not do,

Not realizing we are also projecting those shoulds on others,

The shoulds and the shouldn'ts.

So how often,

And yes,

We all do it.

Do you barricade yourself behind your own should shields?

Why?

Because this is taught and learned behavior from the moment we are born,

Literally from the moment we are born,

We are loaded up with shoulds.

Not only because of our parents,

But our parents' parents,

Our parents' families and their friends of all the shoulds that should and should not happen.

Some of them are really great advice.

I'm not knocking all the shoulds,

Just so you know,

I'm not knocking them all,

But sometimes they get too heavy.

And one thing,

Key,

Key piece here is do you want to live the life you want to live or do you want to end up living a life that somebody else wants you to live?

That's a pretty big question to answer.

I want to do the first one.

I am living the life that I want to live.

So there you go.

Now I'm not saying that all of these shoulds and should nots are bad,

But I do believe that there are other ways to approach this way of teaching by engaging our intuition and the art of listening to uncover and share our wisdom.

But first,

We all need to acknowledge the should shields when they present themselves so that we can move forward productively and positively in a productive manner for sure.

I have found acknowledgement to be the key to unlocking what we need to heal.

If we cannot acknowledge what we have done to somebody else and or how somebody else has made us feel and the feelings that we are holding on to that acknowledgement is key to healing.

So here are just a few questions to ask yourself.

Okay,

And I'll repeat these at the end of the episode as well.

So if you are writing them down,

I will repeat them.

And I'll put these also in my show notes.

So you'll have them there.

What are the should shields that you face daily from others?

Okay,

What are the shoulds if you really sit down take 20,

48,

24 to 48 hours or a week even and sit there and every time you hear a should from someone else write it down and see see at the end of the week how many you have that that'd be really fascinating.

What are the and here's number two,

What are the should shields you put you put up to hold yourself back?

Okay,

So this is a should shield that you are it's basically fear,

Usually fear anxiety,

Stopping you from moving forward.

What is it?

What is that?

Who's associated with that should shield that you are putting up for yourself?

It could be something you've heard in the past.

That's stopping you somebody said something to you,

And it's holding you back to moving forward.

Okay,

And number three,

What are the should shields you are stacking against others?

Oh,

Yikes.

This is a big one,

Right?

That's a beautiful list.

You need to do it.

What are the should shields that you think somebody else should be doing?

We get very frustrated and very angry and annoyed when we keep getting these should shields from others,

Right,

Which then allows us to stack them against ourselves.

But we forget that we are also stacking them against others.

Okay,

Should shield is not a boundary.

That's a totally different episode.

So all right,

Let's move forward.

Shoulds gives me shoulds are two way street,

We give some and we get some.

It's a fact of life,

Right?

But if we,

If we're gonna move forward and shine the light,

And what we feel others are stacking against us,

We need to be honest and acknowledge what we're stacking against them.

We have to do that we have to have that acknowledgement piece.

It's huge.

Now let's talk about and focus on the release part of the should shields.

Now if you were to remove the word should from your vocabulary,

What would it look like?

And how would it feel?

Like how would that feel to you if you were to remove that?

Wow,

That's kind of a big question.

How would you behave?

How would you react and live without the many should shields that surround you?

Wow,

How would that feel like if you literally made a list of all the ones you've stacked against others,

The ones you've stacked against yourself,

And the ones that have been stacked against you?

How would it feel if you just crumpled those up and you no longer thought of them had any feelings towards them?

Like what would that feel like?

That is a really great place to begin the healing to move forward to being open without the should shields because the more you can you can acknowledge the things remember I said that is where the healing begins.

So we can shift to a new perspective by focusing on the art of listening by living with the intention through our intuition.

Our intuition remembers our inner knowing it's our gut feeling it's that thing that we just feel this is what I need to do and we tend to not do it because somebody else says you should not try that.

Okay,

So here's a simple solution.

Replace the word should with the word why.

Why is a question where should is a command or demand?

Why is very gentle.

It's a very gentle word.

Why not only will it cause you to pause,

But it will also it can deliver with thoughtful concern for another and thoughtful concern for yourself.

So recently I was talking about this very subject on the insight timer app,

Which I'm now a teacher on that,

Which is so much fun.

And I had some of the folks that were commenting as I was talking.

And there were many,

Many different shoulds that they were trying to,

You know,

I should exercise,

I should do yoga.

I shouldn't act like this during my divorce,

Whatever it was like there was this list of people going through and I said,

Well,

If you can just shift the word away from should to why,

How does that feel when I was talking.

And there was this whole list of people I should have snapshot shot at it.

There's this whole list of people that just were like,

Wow,

That just feels so much better.

Why am I not doing yoga?

Why am I not having a salad for lunch?

Why am I not pausing to listen,

So that I can have a solution moving forward?

I mean,

There were so many beautiful,

Beautiful things that were coming up for people.

It was really cool.

So here are a few examples of releasing a should shield.

Leak to towards leading with a why.

Okay,

So here is a should shield that you might give yourself.

Now this might sound like I'm repeating this because I did talk about this during a journal prompt,

But it's so necessary because these are,

These are things that I'm hearing regularly from clients,

Which is why I'm doing this whole episode on the should shield.

So let's move forward the examples of releasing should shields,

I'm going to give you one example of what the should shield is.

And then the second step is the shift.

Okay.

So the first example is the should shield that you might give yourself.

All right,

Stop eating that cookie or else you'll get fat.

And what will others think if I keep gaining weight?

Right?

And who doesn't,

That's a common thread in our world.

Now if we can shift it,

Shift the thought to one cookie isn't going to kill me.

But why don't I have an apple or glass of water instead and save it for dessert.

It's my body and I'm going to show it some love.

I mean,

Here's a great,

Great time to shift these thoughts you're having to showing love to yourself to bringing in the love to bringing in the positive feelings.

Because after all,

If you keep telling yourself,

You're fat,

You're ugly,

You're mean,

You're whatever grumpy,

You're full of anxiety,

Whatever it is that you all these negatives you're putting towards yourself.

That's what you're going to exude.

That's what you're going to put out in the world,

You might think you're putting out sunshine.

But people can feel the difference in your energy than when you truly love yourself and you truly feel good about yourself.

Then when you're faking it,

Everybody knows when you're faking it nowadays.

I believe you can I can truly feel when you're faking it for sure.

Okay,

Now let's move forward.

Here's another one.

I should shield that you might give to maybe your your spouse or your kids or somebody close to you.

Okay,

This one I think is very relevant and I know people will connect with this one.

So here it is.

It would be helpful if you did exactly what I say.

When I say it the way I want it done,

How many people can relate to this,

Take the trash out and it doesn't happen.

Take the trash out and it doesn't happen.

Whatever it is,

You know,

In your life,

And we get so we tend to then get so frustrated,

Right?

I mean,

Who doesn't?

You just want people to read your minds?

Well,

Guess what?

They can't.

Now,

Here's the shifting thought.

Why don't we work together and make sure we both understand what we need to be done?

Because you can't read my mind and I can't read yours.

And we both learn in different ways.

And maybe I need to make sure you understand what I need so that you can succeed and I won't keep getting frustrated.

Not that you have to say this long verbiage every single time.

But if you pause when something when you are feeling like you're not being heard,

You just need to reconnect with the human that you're trying to work with,

Whether it's somebody at work,

Whether it's your children,

Especially we forget how their brains are like,

For instance,

Our boys right now are nine and 10.

I forget they're nine and 10.

I have 50 years of experience.

They have nine and 10 years of experience.

I know more.

Yes.

Do they do it?

Yes,

But they're not used to doing it for 50 years.

They're used to doing it for a few.

So yes,

We have to we have to repeat things.

We have to reconnect with people on how we communicate.

Now it comes to parenting,

Like I just the example I just gave.

First recognize your child.

If we can recognize them,

That's all they want.

They just want to be seen so that they feel heard.

Or they just want to be heard so that they feel seen.

Okay.

So whether they are three or 23,

Their brains are much younger than yours.

And they don't have the years of knowledge that you've gained.

So pause and acknowledge this process and it will make things more manageable and more comfortable for everybody.

I can guarantee it especially for your kids and partners.

Should shields.

They say I'm not being heard.

And I'm not going to listen.

When you are not being heard.

Do you want to listen to somebody else?

Flip it around.

I don't know something to think about.

Alright,

Now final one should shield that you might feel from someone else.

Okay.

And this follows the one I just gave you on purpose.

I know that they think I shouldn't do this because it makes them feel uncomfortable.

So maybe I should listen to the list of how they want me to live so that they are more comfortable and I'll stay frustrated and live behind their should shields.

Oh,

Ouch.

Does that hurt?

Oh,

Imagine feeling that I think we've all felt it at some point in our life.

Imagine projecting that one out.

Yeah,

We all do it at some point.

Everybody does.

So let's shift the thought.

Here's the way to shift the thought.

I can no longer live the life someone else wants me to live.

Even though I know they mean well,

I do think people mean well when they're putting up these should shields.

They don't want you to get hurt.

I know when I've put up should shields on people,

I don't want them to suffer some pain that I have felt.

That's where it comes from.

It does come from a place of love.

But I also have to allow them to live their life because they're going to learn the lessons.

I've learned the lessons from those moments and they need to learn them as well.

So here we go.

And here's the shift.

Why am I scared to try this?

I need to remember this is my life.

And only I'm in charge of my life.

So I'm going to lead with positive intention and learn from the outcomes.

Because it might not always turn out positively.

I mean,

Especially if you keep leading with expectations,

But if you lead with the intention,

You are going to learn some lesson or gain some wisdom through that moment.

Okay,

So here we're coming to the end.

And I'm going to repeat those things I talked about earlier.

So just for today,

Try to recognize all the moments you find a should shield slipping in and replacing it by starting to ask the question with why,

Why or how that might just feel so much better.

Okay,

Number one,

Define what your should shields look like by making a few lists.

First one,

Make a list of the should shields that you face daily from others.

Number two,

Make a list of should shields you put up to hold yourself back.

And then number three,

Make a list of should shields you stack against others.

Yeah,

I know we got to do all of them so that we can recognize all the moments in life that we potentially have these amazing positive shifts to happen and really sink into that intuition,

It will help you.

It does feel uncomfortable sometimes.

Now,

Here's here's,

If you want to remove the word should from your life,

What would it look like?

And what would it feel like?

Wow,

That is to me,

That's like super deep.

I've done tons of writing on this.

So now take a moment,

Even read through what you've written for number one,

Two and three,

Think about how you would feel like how would it feel?

How would you maybe act react,

Live without the many should shields that are projected towards you?

And that you put out?

Huh?

How would that feel?

I think it would feel amazing.

I know it has felt amazing for myself.

All right,

Well,

Thanks again for joining me today.

And I hope you can shift today into a greater tomorrow.

Bye bye.

This episode of shift today with Allison was created,

Directed,

Produced,

Edited,

And written and 100% done by Allison Chuhazi.

That's me.

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Reviews

Highly recommend- she is a smile with her delivery.

Very interesting! Thank you!