Untamed Discussion & Fostering Courage

Inspired by Glennon Doyle's latest memoir, Untamed, a group of women join together to discuss inequality, postpartum depression, imposter syndrome, anxiety, addiction, vulnerability, failure, shame and other topics. The last 15 minutes include a meditation on Courage.

My hope in sharing this recording is to acknowledge that you are never alone in feeling these things and we can start to tear down walls when we connect and "feel it all."

Transcript

Generation of women Their status is dependent oopsie low battery dependent on previous generations Because I look back when I grew up in the 60s and 70s our major issue was equality We didn't even have Title 9 There was no equality.

There were no women's sports.

In fact when I started teaching I taught was teaching pre title 9 and I Was actually the varsity girls varsity head coach and there was a major discrepancy between What the girls had access to in track and what the the boys did?

So I watched an interview that Abby and Glennon did with indigo girls,

Which is great and Abby was Abby,

You know Abby was talking even Abby herself was talking about how her Admiration for those women saved her life so but her her accomplishments as a female soccer superstar and The fact that Abby and Glennon are married their their life is very much dependent on what went before them that You know first we had to be equal.

There was no equality and then you can be free So they you know from my perspective.

They are quite equal and quite free,

You know and And then you know,

I I really appreciate Glennon's How she shares her wisdom with her daughters because she wants the next generation Of women to be even better to have even more than what she and Abby I have So it was an insight.

It was just a realization that each generation builds on the accomplishments The lesson of the previous generation of women Absolutely So your comments and thoughts actually the timing of this call is really Interesting because The previous week we were kind of knee-deep in know when was the Covid gonna be lifted when could we each other and now I feel like this week were knee-deep in We've been knee-deep in inequality,

But now we're really knee-deep in recognizing our role in Inequality and I love what you said that first there is equality And you can be free did she say?

No,

That was my Love that because how could you be free without equality and how many people walking on the street?

How many people walking among us?

Don't have equality because of the color of their skin or the background or the way they were raised or poverty or any of those things I Mean that's so spot-on Lynn.

Yeah Any other thoughts on that you guys I I that that's sort of makes me think of a ton of stuff and I totally agree on the generational thing Lynn So my mom's 73.

I'm 48.

I have a 25 year old daughter and in two nieces who are in the same age range as my daughter and My mom wasn't one to talk about Maybe to a little bit.

I mean she said that her calculus teacher told her that she would never do well in the class I mean,

You know There were things that that happened to her as a young woman that she would tell me she was glad weren't happening to me But then things that happened to me.

I mean I was sexually harassed at work several jobs ago and It was horrible like absolutely horrible and You know talking to my daughter about that and then also just watching her like Alicia,

You know My daughter like you can't imagine she would just never stand for it Like I was stymied and had no idea what to do.

And then the other thing that was interesting too is um There were videos that during the 2016 election kind of get to know the candidates there's a long video about Hillary Clinton and she's the same age as my mom and I don't mind telling you that I liked her like and a lot of people were anti her and I don't even make this political But I watched that video about her life and I just could not stop crying like I'm just sitting there with tears running down my face and I'm texting my mom and I'm like We have to talk we have to talk and and I called her and I said I knew it was worse for you than it Was for me,

But I had no idea like watching this You know,

It just made it so much more obvious to me the kinds of challenges you would have faced in the workplace You know watching how hard it was for her to be a woman in any position of power at you know in the late 60s early 70s and 80s and stuff so It's not a not a perfect thing Did anyone read The Coming?

Yes It's on my bed stand to read next that's Michelle Obama's book I would recommend if you can get the audible because she reads the book Oh cool And it's it's very cool.

Yeah It's very cool.

Yeah.

It goes with it.

Oh.

With like prompts and it like helps you become.

Did you get the poem?

That's cool.

That's good.

Ooh.

Yeah.

That would be awesome.

I want that.

Sorry I couldn't hear that There's a journal that goes along with the book Becoming Mm-hmm.

There's a journal that goes along with Becoming.

Sorry.

No I can't.

Yeah.

Um Awesome Great thoughts Lynn.

Thank you Um so the question again was was there lessons or parts of the book that stand out to you and um Why do you think those popped up first?

I kind of feel like Lynn that popped up for you because it was a personal Yes.

Correct.

Yeah.

Right.

Of course.

Right.

Well and I will say that um I struggled with an eating disorder for a very long time.

Some of you already know that And so that throughout all of her books has resonated with me.

Um in Love Warrior her first two books I also think it's really incredible that she decided to write a third memoir.

Like to me that gives me so much freedom in the chapters of my life and I don't have to wrap myself up in one thing that's happened to me and I can move forward because all we can ever do is move forward.

So um I love her resilience.

Like all you know I put chapters on her resilience and how she overcame that and not making it so taboo to talk about.

I mean she's really descriptive in her struggles with eating and alcohol and addiction um which I have you know in my family.

So um that was no particular chapter or anything that's just kind of like the feeling and the vibe throughout the book that resonated with me.

Cool.

Anybody else want to touch on that question or should we move on?

I don't.

Sorry can you.

What is the question?

Yeah.

No problem.

Um what lessons stand out to you and why do you think those pop up for you because obviously if it stands out it's for a reason.

Yeah so I texted you a couple things a while back when I was listening to it.

Oh yeah yeah right.

Um just because I was like I'm cooking I'm like I don't have any place to take notes.

Alicia won't care if I do this.

Sorry I should pull them up.

I've got them it's okay.

So um she says we forgot how to know when we learned how to please.

This is how we live hungry.

And because I had really enjoyed that reviving of the Olya book and it felt like for me between age 10 to 13 were really pivotal.

Uh you know I played the piano,

I drew,

I had all these things that that I love doing and then I really kind of um abandoned them at that age and it's been a struggle for me to get back into some of those passions and um this really kind of fits with one of the things you were saying about the book earlier Alicia which was um it's easier to disappoint ourselves.

I don't know if it's easier but we default almost to disappointing ourselves as opposed to disappointing others.

And um it really kind of fits with this you know the we forgot how to know when we learned how to please.

And by know I'm sure she meant just listen to your intuition and for me it's kind of um another thing she said not long after that was I was afraid of what was inside of me.

And I felt that too.

Um it's like oh these are you know cool things that I really enjoy but they aren't helping me to be more accepted by the community or by boys or whatever.

You know and obviously none of that was conscious.

It's all insidious and it's happening to you when you're super hormonal and um you know you don't have a brain in your head yet.

You're just a little kid.

Right.

Right.

So I was afraid of what was inside of me.

Um I don't that makes me feel so many things like how do we let go of that fear and how do we become who we're meant to be?

How do we let go of that fear?

Is it because we need acknowledgement and acceptance to be who we are?

And how do we who who gives us that acknowledgement and acceptance?

I mean obviously it needs to come from ourself but I was afraid of what's inside of me.

I mean there's things about me that I'm still afraid of.

Um I'm not saying I'm unwilling to admit them.

I'm willing to admit them but it's that shame game we play right?

And I feel for me that the people in my life that allow me to be the raw real me are the healers.

Right?

Yeah.

And we I don't know I mean I would think you guys would agree that people in our lives are all different.

So you've got kind of the everyday hey how you doing people and then you've got the people that always call you on your shit.

Yeah.

Every single person on this call has someone that calls them on their shit.

Do we all have somebody?

But then you but then you heal yourself.

You know you you heal yourself.

That's the ultimate goal.

That's the that's the ultimate progressive goal.

So for sure I mean there's no other way to do it.

You have to carry yourself there.

And I correct but that's that's the responsibility right.

Yeah.

Because I think what happens too often is sometimes you feel like others must help you heal or be your healers when the final responsibility is you are absolutely your healer.

All healing is self healing.

I think Melinda actually said that to me and it stuck with me that all healing is self healing.

And I was like yes.

You know.

I think that the fear thing.

Like yeah there's a fear of like oh am I actually an asshole deep down or something you know like but that for me the fear was more like promising stuff like stuff that's cool but that's going to make me stand out too much like you know getting really good grades in school.

You know and and then being teased by your brother for being a nerd or you know you're I still have a really strong memory of being in kindergarten and my brother was in second grade and we're at the kitchen table and I was memorizing the times tables faster than he was and my mom got pissed at me like stop answering.

And,

And so it became really important to me to not show anyone that I could do well.

Like I and that has been a really like that's been going on.

That's the life story for me.

And I was really little.

Wow.

And that stuck with you.

And so when Glennon says I was afraid of what was inside of me that's I mean I'm afraid of being an asshole for sure.

I actually had an issue with a colleague last week where I felt like I might have been an asshole and I got really worried that that I had offended her.

You know,

Been a jerk,

And she was we were okay,

But,

But,

But yeah for me the thing in the book that was kind of resonating with she was talking I think in a section about how,

And again it reminded me of that reviving Ophelia where you know yeah there were kids who were great at this or that or the other,

And around 10 to 13 a lot of us tend to lose those things and it's in search of that acceptance from the group.

Right.

So,

On that same note,

Kim,

I wrote down immediately when you said I'm afraid of being an asshole recently because we're always learning about ourselves,

Hopefully,

I,

I'm questioning if I have imposter syndrome.

Do you guys know imposter syndrome is imposters imposter syndrome.

I'm assuming we all have that,

But I want to go ahead I want to hear what I'd never,

I'd never heard of it before,

And my friend Janelle,

I was talking about,

And I actually have had many conversations with people about this.

My girlfriend,

Emma is starting her own kids yoga business and she said to me,

But Alicia,

So many people are doing it so many other people have done it,

Why would I be successful at this and I said because it's you.

Because it's your plan it's your blueprint.

It's your gifts it's your talents it's your beauty.

And no one else is going to do it like you.

And I can give her that advice but then I find for me.

I'm like,

Well,

I can't teach that class or I can't carry out that business plan,

Because somebody else has already done it,

And I don't.

I'm not good enough.

I'm not experienced enough like you know the negative talk we start in our head,

And that imposter syndrome of,

I don't want to copy that person.

But the reality is all great things in this world started with someone's idea,

And then other people have taken it to different varying levels of success,

You know,

Right.

And it's,

It's interesting when you acknowledge something about yourself and realize it doesn't have to hold you back.

So I can acknowledge that about myself that I'd never heard it called imposter syndrome,

But,

But I don't want it to hold me back and I'm still going to move forward with it and learn through the process,

Because I think you can let it hold you back.

You can say,

This is something about me that I need to figure out and I'm not going to move forward or build my wings as I fly,

You can take that route.

Or you can say,

Nope,

I'm going to learn this about myself as I go through the process.

And you get to choose right.

So what's anybody else's take on imposter syndrome.

Yeah,

I think it's an ongoing battle.

Yeah.

Because you always say,

Well,

Who am I to do this?

This person is a lot smarter than I am.

They should be doing this.

Who am I to do that?

And I said,

Each person is their own person.

There's no one else like you.

So you,

If you and I are doing the same thing,

You're going to offer people something that only you can.

And I'm going to offer something completely different because we're two completely different people.

But the imposter syndrome says,

Who are you to do this?

She's already doing it.

And she's clearly better than you.

Who are you to do it?

Right.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Somebody told me,

I forgot who said it,

But walk down the bread aisle.

Like how many different brands of bread are there?

True.

Like a million.

Oh my God,

The salsa aisle.

I get so mixed up in the salsa aisle.

I love that,

Nicole.

Walk down the bread aisle.

That's a really good mantra.

Yeah.

Like what do you want to do?

And if,

If there were,

Well,

I don't even want to say if there was no failing because failing is how you grow,

You know,

But that's,

That's a really great point.

But that's interesting,

Alicia.

Maybe,

Maybe failure is the ultimate fear behind imposter syndrome.

Yeah.

What if I fail?

Right.

But that's how,

That's how you move forward is failing.

Like you should always be striving to fail because it's the only way that you can learn.

Well,

You have you guys heard fail forward?

Hmm.

Yeah.

So let go of the fear of failure because it's always going to be there and just decide to fail forward.

Yep.

I don't think I'm afraid of failing anymore.

No.

Are you guys?

No.

Depends on the area.

Yeah.

True.

I don't want to fail my kids.

Yes.

She said,

I don't want to fail my kids.

But I'll fail myself first.

Yeah.

Well,

And that's another good point.

I'll fail myself first.

I'll disappoint myself first before I disappoint my kids and everything we do is setting an example for them.

True.

Right.

That is completely the opposite of what Glennon would say.

You always disappoint others first before you would ever disappoint yourself.

Even your kids.

Yeah.

Even your kids.

Yes.

Because it's important for them to see that happen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know,

There was another chapter.

I don't remember which one it was,

But she talked about when you take home a baby.

I could probably find it.

I have my book.

But yeah.

Here you go.

Here's your baby.

Take it home.

Good luck.

You know,

Especially in America.

Like,

No wonder we're constantly shaming and criticizing and there's no like,

You know,

There's no rule book.

There's no,

I mean,

In a lot of places,

Very little support.

And you think about postpartum depression and how do you find that chapter?

It was interesting because she did it by generation two.

If you remember,

It was this is what.

Yeah.

Which was really interesting how each generation,

Each mother as they,

You know,

How they would react to bringing their baby home and what they would say.

I loved that she did that.

That she broke it down.

Yeah.

I think this is maybe later in the book because I haven't I haven't finished it and I don't think I've gotten to that yet.

Yeah.

I'm I've only read part one.

So I'm my next section is part two keys,

But I don't remember reading that either.

All right.

It's page 153 called memos.

In case you guys want to read it reflect on what we're talking about.

New memo.

The very end of it says,

This is great.

New memo.

Here's your baby.

Love her at home at the polls in the streets.

Let everything happen to her.

Be near.

And I wrote down my note said,

I never knew how to convey.

Let your children suffer until this chapter.

It's so important.

And what she's talking about is letting them struggle,

Letting them feel everything,

Letting things happen to them.

Obviously not awful things,

But letting life happen to them.

To that end,

Don't let them win every competition.

You know,

Don't I don't know.

It's it.

You'll have to read it,

But.

Don't do not ever let a drop of rain fall upon your fragile child.

Raise the human without ever allowing her to feel a single uncomfortable human emotion.

God forbid.

Give her a life without allowing her without allowing life to happen to her.

In short,

Your life is over and your new existence is about ensuring that her life never begins.

You can't do that,

Girl.

Yeah,

That's a good that's a good chapter.

That's what I said to I think,

Nicole,

You asked like I didn't want this discussion to be.

You have to be to this point in the book.

Like,

I feel like I'm on my second time reading through it and I want to just discuss what resonates with you.

So,

Yeah,

This is not the book that you can really read quickly.

It's it's so intense that you have to periodically stop,

Digest,

Wrap your head around,

Think about what she's saying.

I happened I haven't finished the book either,

But coincidentally,

I am on the chapter called Racist and how absolutely taught.

I mean,

The timing is absolutely incredible.

And I'm just I can't get beyond this chapter because I keep going back and reading it over because and then thinking about what's actually happening to us.

And this I'm not sure exactly when the book was read,

But she's referencing maybe a time five years ago.

And here we are five years later.

And we're living through the very same thing.

So it's not a book.

It's really a book.

And that's why you'll probably read it three times.

Yeah.

I know you just have to stop.

And I want to read it again,

Too,

Because she's made us think about things.

Now I want to go back now that I thought about them and get because they're they're different level levels of understanding.

Yeah.

And really get deeper into what what she is saying to us.

Yeah.

Screaming at us.

Well,

And we could honestly we could have this call every other day,

Like we've been in and uncover new bits like.

Oh,

Absolutely.

It's going to resonate two weeks from now the world's going to be than it was today.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So ironically,

Too,

I went over to a friend's house last night and we decided to play all 90s hip hop.

And we it was we made it into a game where you could only play a song.

We took turns playing and it had to be from 1988 hip hop to 2001 hip hop.

And we alternated.

We went around the table and everybody picked a song and like obsessed with 90s hip hop.

Give me all the 90s hip hop girl.

And you guys,

The one theme,

You know what I'm going to say that resonated throughout like majority of the songs is exactly what's happening today.

It was two pop rapping about what's going on in the world.

It was Beastie Boys.

Totally.

And we were all like looking at each other around the table like,

Wow,

Like this is it just was kind of a moment.

And people didn't even have cameras on their phones,

Then it was more,

You know,

We're hearing about it then but not seeing it and having so much,

You know,

Confirmation and also the inability for people to the deniability.

Yeah.

Right.

Right.

Yeah.

Craziness.

All right.

Do you guys want to move on to another question.

Yeah.

All right,

Let's do one that,

Um,

It's a real easy one,

But it requires a piece of paper and a pen.

Do you guys all have a piece of paper and a pen or a pencil.

Yes,

Ma'am.

I can make that happen easily on your phone,

You could go to the notes section.

So the quote on this slide it's slide six that I'll send to you and the quote that I chose.

It says,

My goal is to stop abandoning myself to trust that I'm strong enough to handle the pain that is necessary to the process of becoming.

And that was a Glennon Doyle quote from one of her books.

And then I'm referencing the chapter called feel.

So if you haven't read the chapter called feel you can always go back and read it.

Glennon writes in this chapter that she stuck a note on her bathroom mirror that reminds her to feel it all.

What is something in your life that you avoid feeling.

But it's in order to make this you guys can write all day if you want but I put write a bathroom mirror note to yourself right now.

Something that you need to be reminded of in our objective is that whatever we write to ourselves right now we have to stick it on our mirror until the next time we talk,

And I'm going to ask all of you what happened with that sticky note being on your mirror.

So,

What is something in your life that you avoid feeling.

Write a bathroom mirror note to yourself right now something that you need to be reminded of.

Feel it all.

I don't even know I can physically right.

And you don't have to share.

I'll ask if you want to share you can,

But you don't have to.

I don't know I wrote it and I have to sit here and think about it.

I know.

I need to think about it too because that's a pretty powerful note to write about,

You know,

Think about it.

The tie between the two of what do you avoid feeling and what's your bathroom note is to reverse it.

Yeah,

So it's like the reminder to not avoid that or giving yourself permission to feel to feel it.

Can be whatever we need it to be I mean your bathroom note could be.

I have like six bathroom.

I might have like 10 this week.

It could be a fridge note to it doesn't have to be bad,

But I don't feel like feeling at all.

You WHAT'S YOUR PERFECT relating to when you need to feel good.

Just out here living our our best life getting a suntan.

Looks great.

The sun it's like hotter than I thought.

I brought a sweatshirt geez.

Does anybody want to share?

And if you need more time go ahead.

I wrote that it's okay to feel sad because I've always struggled with that and it goes back to I don't remember how old I was but we were shopping for a caravan you know the ones with like the shades on the side and the TV in the middle and I got really excited I was sitting in the back we were at like a dealership for them it must have been like eight and my dad came up to me in the back and he said don't show how excited you are to the salesman because we want to get a good price I want to negotiate this price down and if you show how excited you are about it then I'm not gonna be able to negotiate it and I'm like alright note taken and I've always like I've always known that it's not something that I had to dig up so in my adult life I'm a construction manager and I've always like oh yeah I don't show emotion because like I'm strong and that's just who I am but now I've noticed that it's like it's not good to like compress all of those feelings and it's a good thing to just let it out sometimes and to just cry when you need to do you notice that when you don't acknowledge that you're sad that it turns into physical ailment yeah does that happen for you sometimes it's like a headache or yeah yeah shoulder pain right doesn't that speak to what good little learners we are as little kids like you learned so well you you really you took that lesson so seriously yep yeah and your dad knew that you could your dad knew you could pull that off like we know that our kids can pull things off and so and we don't really necessarily realize that we're maybe creating something undercurrent you know that is is a totally different thing that wasn't your dad didn't intend that you know right he was just like she's a smart little kid she's gonna understand what I mean and yeah you know that'll be that like because it would have been that for him to just not show his emotion in that moment yep and then we so we don't as little kids we don't know that that doesn't mean don't feel don't you know like hey as soon as we leave you can cry in the other car whatever yeah right so like your dad didn't mean anything harmful by that but look at the habit that it created yep because now even like if I mix that can you please shut my door Maya Lynn shut the door I take it I don't care thank you is that your daughter yeah mommy needs some time God I have my door shut for a reason I had to take her phone away because she didn't do her homework and she came in to check her messages she needed to leave but I find myself even like even if I'm excited about it I don't show my excitement so my partner's always like it's okay to you know be happy it's okay that you're excited about this I'm like it's just so uncomfortable for me because and my dad never intended for any of that he just wanted to get a good price on a caravan no kidding if you're writing a book that would be an amazing chapter and it's cool that you remember it's cool that you can tie it back to this time and and you're you know how old you were when that happened because then you can really you can work with that you can talk to that you can recreate that like I've had to do that in therapy a lot with my younger parts of myself so go back and talk to the younger Nicole and tell her what you would want a bystander who totally understood the future to say yeah no that's true oh I got the chills and I'm also a sadness one from being called a drama queen by my dad all the time as a little kid but yeah the sadness and vulnerability is very hard I think I was always rewarded for not being a quote-unquote drama queen like I was rewarded for being easygoing and and just sort of going with the flow and like she was saying just not not showing emotion they were like oh it's so great she's so calm so easygoing but what is she really feeling right yeah but I we were just talking earlier today about how I don't like and so I think I would just say like she said to feel it all to let things happen and to identify those feelings to like put a name to them is a struggle there's a wheel that I found online it's like an emotion wheel where it's like sad happy mad and then it like branches off from there to like the specific kinds of happy and the specific kinds of sad it's amazing Alicia I feel like you've shared it in the last couple of years I'll see if I can find it maybe so speaking of that wheel of emotions and feeling it all and I think a sticky note could just be feel at all I spoke to a good friend of mine about something that was going on in my life and I just needed a sounding board so I called her and she said Alicia have you heard of there are seven human needs I don't know if it's Pavlov or hierarchy hierarchy who did the hierarchy Oh Maslow Maslow Pavlov was dogs yeah whatever I'm not here for the technical difficulties but so okay so the seven needs of humans and she said it sounds to me like one of your top needs is autonomy and I had to look up autonomy because I mean I knew the word and I know it means independence but I was like what like what do you mean one of my my greatest needs is autonomy and she said that when your independence is threatened when you feel like you're partner or somebody in your life isn't allowing you to spread your wings or call the shots or do what you need to do you feel threatened and you feel like your autonomy is being taken away from you and I was like that was another aha moment for me because feeling all the feels you know if we're supposed to feel everything I didn't even know that I needed to feel that and it was important for me to feel that and now that I know that when I start to get resentful to my partner for threatening my autonomy I know why and I can say whoa whoa whoa like or I've even said to my boys it can be something as simple as mommy needs space my independence is important to me you know however I choose to say it but that's a whole nother like could be a whole nother call on those seven human needs you know like if you rank them so I think they're like there's open that if you're not getting the bottom ones you can't achieve top one so like yes you know if the bottom layer ones are not being and I think those are basic ability like food and shelter right safety right really says a lot about classism in our world too that if you if you're struggling with the bottom stuff you're not going to be able to move into the layers above right right right nope that's so true and it comes back to the equality before you can have the freedom concept so you can you can deal with the issue of autonomy because you have your basic needs are indeed being met right and that's that's that's huge for sure no for sure yeah anyone else want to share their sticky sticky note mine is so much to say with Nicole's so I want I don't I don't need to bore you with it because it's just it's almost the same as Nicole's well you would never bore us with it but it's to feel to feel to feel it all well I wrote down to but I'll share one because I already talked about resentment um were you gonna share no I want you to share if you were gonna share I want you to share okay I'll share I wrote down so I've been sober two and a half years now and so awesome my brother passed away ten years ago so it's a process of becoming sober and feeling things that you drank into drugs to not feel so I wrote down my brother's name yeah yeah did he did he pass away from drugs no in a plane crash yeah and it's I mean there's there's good things to feel with that memory but you you drink and do drugs so you don't have to think about it sure absolutely why would you want to feel that it hurts too much and one reason I liked Glennon so much was because you know she openly talks about being a drunk and being a mom and I mean you never think of alcoholics looking like us like me yeah you know I guess yeah I mean I grew up in Chicago it was always like the old men by the I'm not them mm-hmm yep but right right but you took control of that yes yeah you took control of that even if you struggle with it I mean yeah yeah I mean and I think she talks about like that's why she wants to feel all the feels is because you suppress all of that for so long that now you sort of have to back track a little bit right right so that's fun that's all I'm feeling feel the feels right feel the feel right well it reminds me of a friend of mine that lost a baby and I have learned so much from her because what she said to me was two things for a while she didn't want herself to feel joy anymore she was she felt guilty for feeling joy because how could you ever have joy after losing a baby so she wasn't allowing herself to have the joy and then the second part of that was it tied back to what you said I mean I guess allowing yourself to feel after that happened so you could cover that up like try not to feel with alcohol try not to feel with drugs try not to feel with never feeling joy again like we cover up the things we can't even process because they're so hard with something right mm-hmm I can't remember my point but it made me think of that but we I mean we what is gone and say we can do hard things yeah yeah we can do hard things that's how she repeats over and over again and yeah it's interesting the opposite emotion and the joy and I'm curious are you and sorry I can't remember your name you're sitting with Ally so I don't have the Jessica Jessica thanks um is there I I don't want to ask you anything too personal but are you in like 12-step some of that I started out in 12-step yes but I I don't I don't go anymore so I was just curious because I have a friend actually you met her Alicia her name's Julie and Lynn might have met her too she works for an attorney who's dedicated his whole his whole business is dedicated around addiction and so she's really well versed in it and I'm wondering if what I like about the 12 steps is there are there there's so much good stuff in there for just psyche yeah and balance and I was wondering if we are shutting down emotions like sadness or you know some of the stuff that we consider negative are we is there maybe sort of almost a rule that you're probably also shutting off some of the more positive stuff too even though you may not realize you're doing it definitely yeah I think that there are people and I think we're all guilty of telling ourselves that we don't deserve to be happy or we don't deserve to feel joy like I did this bad thing and I don't deserve to be happy because of that it's worthiness right like yeah you you don't feel of happiness for so long you don't feel worthy of that love and I think Glennon talks about that too just wiring yourself that you are worthy and I yeah I mean I don't think I have a I don't that part is easier I think for me yeah I've never thought about I'm glad you brought this story up Alicia of your friend because I haven't hadn't thought about myself and am I feeling joy so you know I mean I assume I am because I feel like I have this sense of humor I'm like laughing a lot but am I really I don't know it's a good thing for me to kind of think about yeah well so I will say too this is a very personal statement but we're getting pretty personal here I deny myself pleasure I deny myself joy in certain ways because there's something inside of me that thinks it's my job to give everyone else pleasure it's my job to give everyone else joy and for some reason that corresponds to I deny it to myself and I didn't know this about myself until I was married so that should paint the picture for you but it's like why why why can't I just let my guard down and experience pleasure and joy freely you know and that trick but that that that transcends to everything worthiness of letting go of some dark spots in your life or worthiness of getting through a loss a tremendous loss that you somehow feel responsible for I don't know and maybe that's how I blocked out negative childhood memories I just moved forward and didn't feel and I don't know I don't have the answer but I think I need to go talk little alley like Kim said I need to make an appointment with little alley but you know another way of looking at that experience Alicia is that that could that could be the a sign of someone with some inner strength that you were able to move on not that you were denying what was happening to you that you didn't dwell on it you just picked yourself up and moved on so you it depends on how you look at it as you were describing that I was thinking she's so strong yeah right yeah well and and I would say the same to all of your stories like with Jessica what you just shared that's straight mm-hmm yes exactly yeah bird as effin shit that's thing and you have to get through it somehow you know mm-hmm my therapist always says for every trauma you usually will have a gift like that an illustration is I had a friend who had witnessed her mom try to commit suicide like four times while she was growing up and eventually her mom did her mom eventually you know went all the way through now this friend she was like 30 years older than me and she's since passed from cancer herself but she told me you know I'm like how are you such an amazing hostess like you have people over your house you somehow know what every every one of 30 people need and you're able to execute on that I'm like I'm in the middle of trying to get the first you know plate of food for the first person like I just can't juggle that and she told me that she learned as a little kid like if I can make my mom happy everything will be okay and that became a huge burden and a source of horrible you know trauma and a lot of negativity in her life but it was this amazing gift that she didn't see everybody else saw like oh my god she's incredible with human beings how does she do it and it's the the gift that comes out of trauma yeah for sure and that's a matter of perspective to like the perspective to know what of trauma because otherwise you're always gonna be a victim if you don't exactly mm-hmm exactly yeah yeah how these sticky notes are deep I love it of it thank you all for sharing so I have a bunch of other questions and a bunch of other slides but we are at 504 and do you guys want to do one more question and then a meditation or for time's sake should we just move right into a meditation what do you guys think let's do the meditation I think we've we have a lot to think about you've got us a lot to think about we've given each other a lot to think about so I think maybe meditation would would help here's okay Thank You Lynn here's my proposition to you all this this chapter on feeling and feeling it all and writing sticky notes I would really love for all of us to be on the call if you guys are available to do this again in two weeks and to put some kind of sticky note on our mirror and just maybe that'll be the first thing we talk about like what happened for us the last over the course of two weeks with that sticky note like what did we recognize about our and then the people that missed the call today I think that will be in my message to them saying we missed you saying here's what I would encourage you all to do for the next call and then I'll come together and share that so we'll start there and then on the next call there was one other question I really was looking forward to so I'll save it I'll just save it for our next time together and in the course of the next two weeks I would love for you guys to reach out and say can we talk about this or this really stuck with me like we can keep the dialogue going you know I really appreciate to the last untamed we did we did a little yoga flow and I loved Lynn actually recommended doing a meditation and I think it's such a nice just change of pace it doesn't require any physical movement you know just to get a nice quiet mental space so if you guys want to find a comfortable place to sit or lay down you're just gonna be listening to my voice so you don't need to worry about where your computer is just as long as you can hear me so I'll give you a moment to lay down or sit or whatever you need to do I did I shared Alicia that motion wheel a link to it just to your text because I wasn't sure how to I know there's a chat in the zoom that I was afraid that I would lose you guys if I started playing around okay so cool I got it so I'll share yeah okay I thank you I appreciate that thank you you're so welcome are you leaving us are you gonna meditate oh I was saying thank you to Kim and no I'm not leaving yet okay perfect just you guys know too um I did record us today and I've been recording them but I haven't shared any of them my only thought was if there was like little sound bites to encourage other people to join us I would use the sound bites but I would never use your names or any of your stories or anything I just wanted to make sure I told you that all right so everybody get cozy all right okay so wherever you are whether you're laying down on the floor or in the grass or maybe you're seated hands gently resting on your lap finding the most comfortable position imaginable for you in this moment start to bring focus to your toes scrunch them up and then release them now start to bring awareness to your ankles and your feet maybe roll them rotate them a little bit relaxing them now just kind of settling in your calves your knees noticing your thigh muscles and for one moment tensing up everything in your body one big tense motion of stressing everything in just for the motion of letting it all go knowing what it feels like physically to let it all go remembering throughout the meditation today that any thoughts you have are okay feel them acknowledge them and then let them float up and away from you almost in like an air bubble in a cloud starting to relax your glutes your lower back your pelvis starting to relax your shoulders your hands your arms relaxing your neck your jaw taking a deep breath in and filling the belly completely before you blow it out inhale through the nose completely filling the belly and releasing the air fully out your nose once again let's do this a few more times to the rhythm of our own breath breathing in through the nose filling the belly completely and then breathing out if there are any distractions that you're noticing just try to let them go feeling a sense of calmness wash over us as we've let all the tension go in our bodies and continue that rhythmic breathing that pranayama breathing in through the nose and out through the nose react such a nating replenishing rebooting our immune system our unconscious mind our conscious mind taking these next few moments to just focus on breath and connection stepping into our courage you know that there's more for you to live out there you know there is more that you want but the fear starts to creep in and it may even make you feel frozen right now so the intention of today's meditation is to help you step into your courage to help you see that you have more of it than you can possibly imagine and as you sit in this knowing that you have everything it takes to create a life of love a life you deserve a life you are worthy of so let's begin wherever you're at try and see if you can make yourself 2% more comfortable 5% more comfortable 10% more comfortable remember at the beginning of this meditation we relaxed our shoulders and our knees and our toes make sure you're not clenching any of those things allowing the energy in your body to free flow to flow freely once again take a deep breath in filling up your belly and exhaling it all out remembering to breathe throughout our whole meditation today you relaxing your arms relaxing your hands relaxing your fingers feel your chest and your stomach and your legs get heavy with relaxation feel your body drop deeper and deeper into calmness now take another inhale take another breath in and as you do I want you to imagine your body let's visualize for a moment imagine your body getting firmer and bigger and stronger as the fear swirls around you with this courage meditation just imagine and as you breathe out watch as the fear drifts away breathe in and see yourself stronger breathe out and let go of the fear breathe in stronger more connected to you breathe out the fear fear is always going to live around us in some way so all we can do is recognize it and choose to take courageous action in the face of it with this courage meditation I want you to take a second to think about something that you really want in your life something or a situation or a habit that you want to attract something that you know is not anything that you have in this exact moment but something that you need to work towards hold that vision of what it is that you want and I want you to see that as you hold that vision the fear that swirls around it once again recognize the fear that swirls around it and it's maybe holding you back from that something recognize it without feeling any heaviness without making it mean anything and as you hold that vision of what it is you want take five deep breaths in and out each breath in envision courage you're breathing in courage and as you breathe in I want you to give courage of color imagine yourself breathing in that color more and more and more with every breath in continue these courageous breaths each inhale is breathing in that color of courage and each exhale is letting go of the fear holding you back you breathe in breathe out fully completely filling your belly each time deep breaths in and deep breaths out breathing in the color of courage watching it filtrate your whole body another deep breath in more and more of that color filling your body and filling your life ahead with more courage breathe it out breathe it in all the way in and on your next exhale once again let go of fear your last deep breath in fill your entire being your aura your body your spirit your soul fill your entire being with the color of your courage feel it emanate all around you and one more time breathe out all that's holding you back all of your fears now begin to return your breath to whatever normal rhythm we began with eyes are still closed you're still present and connected in this moment take one more look at that vision of what you want and watch all the colors of fear have escaped from around it and instead that vision is illuminated by the color of courage your life is yours to live you have everything you need inside the resources the love the courage the trust to make it all happen you are beautiful as you are exactly as you are embrace the silence for the next handful of breaths before we open our eyes gently slowly begin to open your eyes and notice how you feel as you breathe in and out gently rise and notice how you feel as you come back up or settle in wherever you're at I'm sure we feel like we could just stay in a nap right so I read to you it's called into your courage meditation if you guys want me to send it to you the beginning part was just something I found on getting your body to be still how did that make you guys feel great good good are you regular meditators no yeah I am yeah yeah erratic erratic yeah mm-hmm yeah I enjoy the guided meditations on insight timer those the ones I usually the yoga knee draws my favorite yeah Wow awesome well good well any final thoughts before we get off of today's call thank you Alicia for bringing us all together over this book thank you thank you for showing up thank you welcome you're welcome and I would love to hear from you in the interim if you guys have any thoughts or I came I love that you texted that to me and said don't don't forget I forgot but anyway anyway had it there yeah so look for an email from me just as a follow-up and I'll send what Kim sent and if you guys have any other resources you want me to share with the group I'll be including the people that miss the call today too just so we can catch them up thank you Alicia I'm so grateful you're doing these classes me too I'm so grateful for you guys and for Glennon absolutely awesome well have a good week you too bye bye everybody