Conflict Management In Relationships

Fights & conflicts in relationships have a very adverse effect on our mental health & peace of mind. They make us feel very helpless and broken. People who are closest to us also have the most power over us. Through this podcast, I take you to a deeper understanding of conflict and steps to resolve conflicts and grow from them.

Transcript

So,

First of all,

Let me talk about what really is conflict in any relationship.

So basically,

Conflict in relationship comes from a place where there are two people who are coming from absolutely different point of views,

Who are coming from different stories in the same circumstance,

In the same experience or incident.

And when we cannot see each other's perspective,

When we do not agree with each other's perspective,

That is when the conflict arises.

And we have all experienced conflict in relationships,

Whether it's with our parents,

Whether with the spouses,

Children,

Friends,

Anywhere and everywhere.

And what really is the reason behind the difference in those perspective is because each of us is wearing colored glasses,

Color tinted glasses in every moment.

And we see the circumstance in which that disagreement is happening from those colored glasses.

And what does,

What makes our colored glasses unique is the experiences that we have come from,

From our upbringing,

From our childhood,

From our conditioning,

Everything that we experienced,

All the hurts,

All the pains,

All the successes,

Choice is what creates our conditionings,

Our beliefs around everything in life.

So for a simple example,

When there is a conflict or there is a disagreement between spouses,

Maybe a husband and wife,

In that moment,

For example,

A husband says something like you're an idiot.

Now for the husband,

It may be a statement,

Just an adjective,

Which is said in the heat of the moment.

But for the wife,

That word idiot could actually carry a lot of power and strength and a lot of history behind it.

Maybe growing up,

She must have felt that she's not good enough or people calling her useless or parents saying that you're stupid,

You're an idiot.

So now we are carrying our own past with us in every moment.

And when somebody says something that has a lot of charge for us,

It triggers us.

And we feel that we are under attack now.

And now in that moment,

We are totally disconnected from that person.

And now we have to defend ourselves in that moment.

That is where all the problem arises.

Because when the disconnect happens,

We're not listening to the other person,

Neither is that person listening to me.

We are both in our own stories in that moment.

We are both coming from our own perspective,

We have entered into our own trance at that time.

And another important thing to understand in this is that whatever we see in others,

Whatever is bothering me about that person in that moment,

Actually exists within me as well.

And when we are able to understand and actually start accepting this reality,

We are able to let go of the emotions in that moment much easily.

And with practice,

We can start bringing that awareness in the middle of that heated conflict or argument or disagreement.

Because knowing that whatever that person is triggering within me exists within me,

It is not out there,

There's nothing outside.

It's all happening inside me.

And when I let go of these triggers,

I can be free of these recurring disagreements.

So many times,

The conflicts are very repetitive and patterned in our lives.

With different people,

We see the similar pattern.

And who is the common denominator in that?

That is us.

Also,

Wounded people are the ones who go on to hurt others as well.

We unknowingly also hurt people we love,

Because we were hurt.

I remember there was this client I was working with,

And I asked her that,

You know,

Why did you say that to your husband in that fight?

And she said that I wanted to hurt him back.

I wanted him to feel that pain.

And I'm sure all of us can associate with that.

So many times we hold on to that anger,

We will not let it go,

Even though we know where everyone is coming from.

But because we want to hurt back the person,

That's why we keep it within us.

But keeping that anger within us,

As you all must have heard,

Is like holding a hot coal,

The burning coal in your hand,

Because you want to throw it at that person.

You want them to experience what you went through as well.

But who's burning in all of this process?

It's us.

So till we keep holding this coal,

This is how we hold all these emotions inside our body,

And it is hurting us.

So we have to notice what is more dear to us,

Whether it's revenge,

Or whether it is my health and my peace of mind.

And when we are able to choose that,

It becomes much more easier in our lives,

Much more happier relationships start to present themselves in our lives.

And now I would like to share with all of you some simple things that we can do in the midst of an argument or in the midst of a conflict.

So first thing that I have found works really wonderfully is giving the other person benefit of doubt.

So if you think about any fight that you had,

Or any conflict you had somebody recently,

I want you to go back and notice there,

We tend to make assumptions about the other person in that moment,

That they are behaving this way means they are selfish,

Or they're trying to control me,

They never care about me.

So we immediately make a lot of assumptions in our mind at that moment.

However,

If we just stop and give them the benefit of doubt,

What do I mean when I say the benefit of doubt,

It means thinking from their point of view,

That what could actually be making them behave that way,

Giving them a positive justification that why are they behaving like this,

If you were in the same position,

You would be able to justify for yourself.

Because of course,

You know,

You're not mad,

Right?

You're not crazy,

You're doing something,

Saying something,

It is coming from somewhere.

If we can give that benefit of doubt to that other person as well,

Thinking that,

Oh,

Why are they behaving like this,

They're definitely not crazy,

There must be some motivation behind it.

And when you can give a positive story to it,

Rather than a negative story that,

Oh,

They're horrible,

They always do this,

They're bad,

They're selfish.

If you just say,

Oh,

Maybe they had a really stressful day.

And that is what is triggering them.

And don't take that personally.

In that moment itself,

You have freed yourself from a really stressful situation which could have gone,

Which could have created.

So giving them the benefit of doubt,

And then secondly,

Stepping into their shoes at that time.

It is easier,

It is difficult as compared to just saying it,

But with practice,

You can actually make it happen.

You can actually step into their shoes and notice where are they coming from?

And if you were in their position,

How would you have responded?

And coming from this positive benefit of doubt mindset will help you communicate much better.

The another thing that we can do in the moments of conflict is,

First is cooling off.

Cooling off is very important.

Most of us tend to say things in anger,

Which we don't mean,

Which we regret later,

Feel bad for later.

So instead of that,

If we can just take a cooling off moment,

The moment you notice something building up inside you,

Maybe the person is shouting at you,

Maybe the person is angry at you,

In that moment,

And you feel that reply or the reaction coming up inside you,

In that moment,

Just step aside from that situation.

If you are in the same house,

Move into a different room.

If you are in your office,

And you feel it coming up,

Maybe take a small break,

Go to the washroom,

Just pause for a minute and cool off.

Bring yourself back to your center in that moment.

There are so many things that we can do,

Whether it's breathing,

There is tapping that you can do,

Or have some water,

Count backwards,

Use anything that works for you,

But just come back to the present moment,

Because nothing good ever comes from reacting in that situation.

And once you cooled off,

And the other person also gets some time to cool off,

That's when you can consciously come back and communicate with each other,

Which is a constructive communication,

Not destructive communication.

In that moment of conflict,

If we communicate,

It is destructive,

We will be using ugly adjectives,

Being blaming,

Criticizing,

All of those things.

But when we get into constructive communication mode,

That is the time when we actually start working from solution oriented communication.

Okay,

You said this,

What is it that you need?

How can I help you in this?

How can we work out a mutual solution in this situation?

And then amazing solutions emerge when two people are ready to listen to each other and willing to communicate.

Reviews

Excellent meditation for resolving conflict. Namaste