Kindness—Being At Ease

In these eight short teachings, we discover how to peacefully live in the world. Even though it's normal to get angry at those around us, we can learn to develop kindness and acceptance towards them. And by seeking out the teachings of the wise and the company of good friends, they can help steer our life in a wholesome direction. We learn to live skillfully and with gratitude, knowing how to wisely care for those around us.

Transcript

Kindness,

Being at Ease,

A collection of short dharma teachings by Venerable Ajahn Anand.

How to Live in the World We have to be involved with society.

We have duties and work.

And although society isn't always peaceful or harmonious,

The Buddha taught that the source of this always comes back to the individuals because their hearts aren't in line with truth.

As long as people are still caught into different unwholesome tendencies of greed,

Anger,

And delusion,

Then they're going to speak and act accordingly.

And from this problems and misunderstandings arise.

There are various ways of dealing with this.

In the world,

We have the laws and regulations of the land.

The aim of this is to give people a standard of behavior that will lead to a peaceful,

Harmonious society.

And when people don't follow the laws,

Then there are always problems,

Aren't there?

When people follow their own views and opinions,

Their anger and greed acting in selfish or aggressive ways,

This is where problems that we face in the world arise from.

On the level of dharma,

However,

It's important to realize that everyone has his or her own level of greed,

Anger,

And delusion.

And that's something we have to accept and work with.

The way to do this skillfully is,

One,

To understand that everyone is in their position,

And two,

To have an attitude of kindness and compassion.

That doesn't mean to say that we encourage people when they're acting in harmful ways,

But we know that that's how people are,

And we don't take it personally.

By giving importance to kindness and compassion,

We can deal with the day-to-day problems of society in such a way that we don't create more suffering out of them.

Willingness to learn The Buddha taught how to live in the world in a peaceful and harmonious way.

He said that we must develop kindness and a sense of being willing to sacrifice.

A husband needs to sacrifice for his wife,

A wife for her husband.

Parents must sacrifice for their children,

And children for their parents.

All members of a family should sacrifice for one another.

This is the way society functions,

When it's functioning well.

When people are harmonious and living together in peace,

There will always be this willingness to sacrifice.

We should also be open to listening to others,

Especially people who have developed themselves in virtue,

Concentration,

And wisdom.

They understand what ways of thinking create suffering,

And can help point out where we have gone astray.

This is why we respect teachers who have practiced for themselves,

Bringing their minds to clarity and insight.

They have more experience on how to look after the mind,

How to behave correctly,

And how to progress in the path of practice.

So whatever words of guidance or helpful reflections they give us,

We should listen carefully.

This can apply to our friends and relatives as well.

The Buddha encouraged us to be able to communicate with others,

To receive reflections and advice.

Rather than pushing them away,

We consider them carefully and compare it with our own experience.

Beyond Judgment Unless we have perfected mindfulness and wisdom,

We will still get caught into liking and disliking.

This will often affect our views of other people.

When we have attachments and preferences — we like this,

We don't like that — then of course that can make us judgmental.

Seeing traits that we like,

We say someone's good,

And seeing traits that we dislike,

We say someone's bad.

Based on these parts,

We may paint the whole picture,

Deciding that this person is completely good and that person completely bad.

But this is coming from attachment and delusion.

The Buddha said that the way to remedy these judgmental tendencies is to come back and look at our own mind.

The more we study our own mind,

Our own life,

Our own behavior,

The more our view will become clear and unbiased.

So first of all,

We look at our actions and ask,

Are my actions skillful or unskillful?

What are the results of my actions?

We look at our speech.

Is my speech skillful or unskillful?

What are the results of my speech?

And then we look deeply into our own mind to see what we're thinking.

Are my thoughts skillful or unskillful?

What are the results of my thinking?

As we learn to do this,

Instead of looking outside and judging the world and the people around us,

We'll turn inside and look at our own mind.

This will bring us in line with the teachings of the Buddha.

We'll then know for ourselves whether we're using our mind in a way that's skillful or unskillful.

This will take us beyond judging others.

And yet,

Some people will still judge us.

Whatever we do,

Some people will say it's right,

While others will say it's wrong.

This is how it is living in the world.

But what they say isn't the full story,

Is it?

We have to look at our own mind and know for ourselves.

Were our actions skillful or unskillful?

Sometimes we do something good,

But others still criticize us.

If we know from our own investigation that what we did was truly good,

Then we won't suffer over it.

At other times,

We do something wrong,

But other people praise us.

Again we have to go back and investigate,

Asking,

Was it really good or not?

We can't always take the words of others for truth,

But by investigating,

We'll know for ourselves.

The Value of Good Friends The Buddha said that good things come from being with good friends.

They bring out good traits in us.

But try to avoid bad friends.

These are the ones that take us off drinking,

Gambling,

And so on,

Leading to harmful situations.

This teaching also applies inwardly,

Which means to avoid mingling with the negative forces in our own mind,

Staying with the wholesome thoughts and aspirations instead.

If we're doing this well,

Then our practice will be strong.

We'll know for ourselves what's going to bring us happiness and what's a good way to live.

So even when mixing with other people,

If they're caught into wrong views or don't yet understand the path,

We still won't be swayed.

This is because we're firm and we understand for ourselves.

The Buddha taught to associate with good,

Wise people and to avoid those who are foolish or reckless.

But sometimes it happens that we have friends with some negative harmful traits and we want to help them out.

The important thing is to realize that we,

Ourselves,

Have to be in a strong enough position mentally before we can help.

Because if we're still not firmly established in our practice,

Then of course we'll be affected by the people we're with.

They influence us,

Whether subtly or directly,

And the danger is that we might be swayed by them and lose our way.

But if we're strongly established in our practice,

We know what's good and bad,

What's right and what's wrong,

Then even if people have some bad habits,

We won't be influenced or swayed.

Maybe we'll be able to help them out a bit,

Offering advice and support.

Even the Buddha,

In some of his past lives,

Wasn't yet inspired to practice the Dharma.

He was more interested in worldly things.

But in one past life,

He had a friend who wanted to go to listen to the teachings of the Buddha of that era.

And our Buddha didn't yet have faith,

And he wasn't interested in going.

So the friend grabbed hold of his topknot and said,

You've got to go.

And in India,

The topknot of your hair is the highest and most respected thing.

People don't just pull it for no reason.

His friend literally dragged him there.

But when he saw the Buddha,

He realized the importance of the teachings and began practicing.

This is an example of the value of good friends.

Sometimes we don't yet see what's important in life,

But a good friend can take us towards it.

Being a Good and Wise Parent It's helpful to rely on the four sublime abidings of loving-kindness,

Compassion,

Sympathetic joy and equanimity when dealing with our children.

When we bring children into the world,

Our first instinct is always going to be loving-kindness.

We have love for them because they're our children.

And one of the foremost qualities of a good parent is helping without wishing for anything in return.

We aren't looking for anything back.

We just give.

This is correct.

We should always have that sense of well-wishing and kindness for our children.

Then,

When they fall into suffering of any kind,

Compassion naturally arises.

We don't want them to suffer and so wish for an end to their suffering.

Conversely,

When our children meet with any kind of success or happiness in life,

We can share in that by feeling happy for them and hoping it continues.

And finally,

If in certain situations they're having problems but it's beyond our ability to help them,

Then the correct approach is that of equanimity.

We have to understand that everyone is subject to their karma,

And our children bring their own karmic accumulations,

Habits,

Characteristics,

Personality traits with them into the world.

If our children are having problems but there's nothing we can say or do,

Then we have to step back.

This is equanimity,

Where we have a sense of balance and patience.

We understand karma and accept that at the moment there's just not much we can do to change things.

Ah,

At the moment the situation's like this.

It's beyond my control.

There's still love for them,

But we're not trying to force them to change.

Conditions will change on their own.

If our children don't solve things themselves,

Then maybe later we'll be able to teach and help them.

But we have to remember,

Especially in the long term,

That things aren't certain.

People can change.

Sometimes children are really good.

They have many good qualities,

And because of this,

They're popular.

Then they grow up,

Get married,

And move away.

They have their own families now,

Their own responsibilities,

And that's it.

They've no time left for us because they already have their own duties and obligations.

Other children may start off as not being very good,

Not very successful,

Not very responsible.

But later on,

They might be the ones who end up looking after us and helping us the most when we're older.

I've seen this myself on many,

Many occasions.

When thinking that the good child will stay and look after you,

And that the bad child will go away and never help,

These things just aren't sure.

They can change 100% over the course of a lifetime.

So we should remember that kamma is changeable.

People are changeable.

It's not the case that everything is going to be fixed as it is forever.

When we remember these truths,

It helps us to let go a little bit more.

Children may have all kinds of good qualities that simply haven't flowered yet.

If we can have patience and think in this way,

Then we don't have to suffer or worry so much.

We can let go and just see what happens.

Repaying Our Parents Even if we accumulate great wealth,

Many possessions,

And an esteemed position in society,

If we show no gratitude or kindness towards our mother and father,

Then we're without true wealth.

To put it simply,

We're without the distinguishing features of a good person.

When we realize the goodness our parents have shown towards us,

We should try to repay that goodness with wholehearted effort.

They cared for and looked after us for many years,

So we can in turn look after them in their old age.

And even if they've passed away,

We can still benefit our parents by performing good deeds and sharing their merit with them.

When we're in school,

We should be diligent and put all our efforts into studying and succeeding with the best possible grades,

So as to not cause them any anxiety.

This will also assist us in finding a good job.

Moving from there into the workforce,

We then have the opportunity to assist our parents financially or with whatever physical help they might need.

At this point in our life,

We can start to look after our parents in the way that they have looked after us up until now.

Our parents have our best interests at heart and do whatever they can to guide us in life.

Sometimes they aren't practicing generosity,

Virtue,

Or meditation,

And we worry about their inner welfare.

But if we truly want to help them,

The best we can do is to develop goodness within our self first.

When they see the positive results in us,

They'll naturally be inclined to follow our example.

Honoring Gratitude It's normal that in the course of our relationship with our parents,

That there will be some conflicts and disagreements.

But deep in the heart,

We still have a sense of appreciation and gratitude towards them,

Even if sometimes negative emotions spill out.

So we ask them to forgive us,

And we also forgive them.

Our parents have shown us great kindness throughout their lives,

So if at any time we've mistreated them,

We should ask wholeheartedly for their forgiveness.

We can also repay our debt to them by being cautious with our speech and behavior.

Since the day we were born,

They looked after our welfare.

They imparted knowledge,

Raised us,

And cared for all our needs.

So if we speak or act in a harsh way towards our parents,

Even the smallest thing can have a great impact.

Words take on an extra intensity in meaning when they come from one's own children.

This is the love a parent feels for their child.

If our parents have reached a stage where they can no longer look after themselves,

It's now the time for us to selflessly give all the assistance we can.

We repay our debt by caring for and looking after them with all the kindness in the heart.

And as we perform these types of good wholesome actions and express our gratitude,

Then our lives will take on a newfound inner wealth and meaning.

Being supportive of one's parents,

The Buddha said,

Is among the highest blessings.

Understanding and accepting.

Old age,

Sickness,

And death are the most normal things in the world.

We have to expect this and see that they are a part of life.

The average lifespan is 75 or 80 years old.

We should think,

How old am I now?

If I'm 45 years old,

Then I've got about 30 years left.

Being like this,

We have become aware of the impermanence of life and wake up to the fact that we won't be here forever.

There was a question of how to cope with the fact that one's father is very old,

Lying in bed,

Close to death.

In this case,

The father is 89 years old,

So there's no need to cry or be sad.

He's actually had a very long life.

He's outlived the Buddha by nine years already.

The Buddha only reached 80.

The Buddha said that long life is the positive karmic result of not killing.

So this is probably his good karma from the past,

Not harming or killing animals.

We should be happy if our father has had a long life,

But at the same time see that this body and mind are impermanent things which arise and pass away.

They don't stay around forever.

We can expect that as people get older,

They're going to die.

And if their bodies and minds are failing,

And there's pain and discomfort,

We don't want them to have to experience that on and on and on.

We might actually feel happy and willing to let them go,

Wishing that the fruits of their good karma bring them a good strong body in their next life.

Because if they're in a state where they're very ill and suffering,

Maybe it's more skillful to be ready to let them go.

To do this we have to really contemplate the truth and bring it into our heart.

The truth is that our existence as human beings is impermanent,

And when we die we have to be separated from everything and everyone.

If we really accept that,

We can be peaceful with this truth.

Instead of feeling sad at the death of a loved one,

We can know that this is the way of things and be happy for the good that they've done.

Relating to Pigs and Children There was once a pig farmer who came to Ajahn Chah and complained,

Oh,

The economy,

It's terrible.

The price of pork is falling so much,

I'm not getting near as much profit as I used to.

And Ajahn Chah said,

Well,

I don't see the pigs complaining.

I never see them arguing about the price of their meat.

And who are the ones giving up their lives?

Ajahn Chah often gave simple reflections like these,

Allowing people to let go of their stress,

Showing them a different way of looking at things.

Not only would they get a laugh out of it,

But they'd also realize that much of the suffering we build up in our mind is not all we think it is.

It's not always due to others,

But rather just our own clinging and attachments.

There was another time a man came to Ajahn Chah,

Saying,

I'm so stressed looking after my children,

They're really stubborn,

They're giving me so much trouble.

And Ajahn Chah asked,

Well,

Who wanted the children?

Whose decision was it to have children?

As the man stopped to think,

Ajahn Chah said,

Maybe we'll give the children 50%,

And you take 50% of the blame as well.

Reviews

Beautiful wise words . Much to contemplate and put into practice. Thank you 🙏🏾 ✨

Thank you for these wise teachings!

Thank you, Namasté