For People Pleasers And Recovering People Pleasers

I set and maintain healthy boundaries in my personally, business, and romantic relationships and in this talk I will dive deeper on my experience as a "recovering" people pleaser. I actively seek out spaces that celebrate my growth and amplify my voice. Thank you for listening, let me know what you think in the reviews. Any and all support goes toward my mission to increase the visibility of black and brown women in the yoga and wellness space. Your donations are pivotal.

Transcript

What are your non-negotiables?

What do you say yes to?

And what do you say no to?

Have you boundaries?

That's exactly what today's talk is inspired by.

It's inspired by a moment that I had to empower myself and to bring in alignment me.

A lot of the times we as teachers,

Healers,

Space holders,

Whatever title that you'd like to hold on to,

Right?

We as those people,

We put ourselves on the back burner for the person I need to serve or the community or this.

No,

When you put yourself on the back burner for someone else,

Then who are you?

What are you saying to yourself subconsciously?

I don't matter.

I'm not valuable.

I'm not valued.

So that is exactly why boundaries help to frame the narrative.

Boundaries in a road,

Right?

You drive down the road.

What do you see?

Lines in the road.

Some lines are dotted.

There's spaces you know you can pass.

That's the boundary you can pass.

Some are straight.

You know you can't pass.

There's another boundary.

Stop sign.

You gotta stop.

If you run that thing,

You're liable to get hit or a ticket.

Hello?

Boundaries.

Those same boundaries outside of you apply to you inside of you.

You set the boundaries.

You set the standards.

In yoga,

We talk about the yamas and the niyamas.

This is kind of the boundaries.

The boundaries that we talk about in yoga.

I encourage you to dive into your boundaries.

As a healer,

As a teacher,

As a mentor,

As a coach,

Whoever you are.

Allowing this person to call you after hours.

Allowing this person to repeatedly communicate with you outside of the boundaries set.

If you say your office hours are done at midnight,

Let's just say.

Let's just say you're going at a stretch.

And this person texts you or contacts you after that.

That's a boundary.

If you're allowing this,

What's happening?

See,

And then on the other side of boundaries,

Right?

The lack of.

The opposite is the people-pleasing.

Why I'm so passionate about boundaries and why I'm so passionate about it today is because I am a recovering people-pleaser.

Let's talk about it.

I used to please everybody but myself.

It was just like,

Oh,

If I could make this person happy.

I didn't want that person to be not happy with me.

But like,

Am I happy with me?

That's the real question.

Am I happy with me?

And no.

When I go spend time with this person,

Let them dump on me.

When I get home,

I just want to sleep.

Because I don't let this person dump on me.

No.

But this person is okay though.

No.

No.

No.

You got to have to understand manipulation.

Some people will manipulate your kindness as long as you allow them to.

You got to remember,

You are not a victim.

It's people only going to do what you allow them to do.

Give is going to give.

You want to know why?

Takers are going to take.

That is why for every action,

There is an equal and opposite reaction.

I'm so passionate about this because I want you to really hold this down and hold this in.

Set your boundaries.

Everybody involved is going to be okay.

They will be okay.

They will be okay.

Trust me.

I've been setting boundaries,

Baby,

And everybody has been okay.

It's actually more empowering.

My husband says this all the time.

He says when you move serious,

People take you serious.

And that is a boundary.

Right?

Like with me when I work with my clients,

I need to be paid up front when I do events.

I need to be paid up front in full.

50% deposit and the rest in full prior to me arriving.

I don't want to play with you about none of that.

No,

That's the boundary of mine.

And also your clients create the policies,

A.

K.

A.

The boundaries.

If you've had somebody play with you before,

Play with your top.

Hey,

If you've had somebody play with you,

Cancel on you,

And you could have scheduled that day for somebody else.

Yeah,

That's where the non-refundable,

Non-referrable deposits come in.

Boundary.

Come on now.

Boundary.

And it's like,

Yeah,

Come on now.

Boundary.

It's like we are not babies.

We do not need to be coddled.

Come on now.

You are doing a disservice to this person and their accountability by not setting the boundary.

Look,

In a world,

The world is not going to treat that person the same way you are coddling.

So you might as well open up your mouth right now and set those boundaries for yourself.

If you want a boundary for this,

That or the third,

Today is the day.

Write it down.

Write down your list.

What is your healthy boundaries?

What makes you feel alive?

What makes you feel seen,

Heard,

Valued,

Understood,

Protected,

Amplified?

What feels empowering?

Lean off of anything that is disempowering.

Anything that you feel like you need to do,

You obligate.

No,

We are no longer operating in the energy of obligation.

Let's get into it.

Set the boundaries.

Set them.

Set them and forget them.

Clockwork.

Boom.

Oh,

No thank you.

And when the boundary is crossed,

You walk away because you set it.

If this person,

This energy,

This object,

This whatever is not honoring that boundary,

Then you move away.

You don't lean into it.

Move away.

Move away.

Love yourself.

Love yourself.

Love yourself.

Love yourself enough to move away.

Sometimes we fool ourselves like,

Oh,

But I love them.

But love you.

But they love me.

But love you.

Start with yourself.

Everything that you're focusing on when you say that is external.

That love that you're searching and seeking for,

That void that you want to feel externally,

Come on now,

You got to source that from within.

Even being married.

It's not my husband's responsibility to make me happy.

Boundary.

It's not his responsibility to make me fulfilled.

No.

He can add to that,

Amplify the way that I already feel,

Hold space for me.

But it's not his job to carry me.

You need to carry your own self in the way that you do that.

Come on,

Say it with me.

Boundaries.

Uh-huh.

That's right.

I had a woman sitting on my porch.

I run a business,

Right?

Prior to getting started in England,

Right?

I ran my business from my home.

A woman gave me a call and this is no lie.

She gave me a call.

I was speaking with her.

She was speaking with me.

And I'm not going to share the context of the call,

But it was to the nature of,

Yeah,

Okay,

We'll talk soon and we'll schedule something,

Right?

She said,

I want to come over.

I'm like,

Yeah,

No.

You know what I'm saying?

I was firm with the no.

Next thing you know,

This young lady is on my porch.

Like I had to open up the door and say,

I need you to leave.

I need you to leave now.

That's it.

That's all.

You know what I'm saying?

Like,

I need you to leave now.

And when you set your boundary,

Be okay.

Like,

I used to not set boundaries because I thought,

Oh,

I don't want to lose this client.

Bro,

Don't operate from spaces of scarcity.

You worried about losing a client,

You losing yourself.

Come on now.

We're not doing that.

Nah.

So,

Get right.

Okay?

From me to you,

Get right.

And I'm saying this to myself,

Too.

You know,

There's times when I'm like,

Ooh,

And like,

It'll slip through.

The little bit of,

The remnants of the people-pleasing will slip through and I gotta come back and address it.

I'm like,

Ooh,

Let me address this.

You know,

We're tacked into quorum.

Set your boundaries,

We're tacked into quorum.

Nobody be mean,

Abrasive,

Whatever.

Be firm.

Be firm in your enforcement.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's good.

You know what I'm talking about?

It's okay.

Look,

Let me know exactly how this lands for you.

I'm so excited.

Look,

I meet so many new people every single week in the reviews.

And listen,

It really lights me up to see that little red dot that says,

You know,

It's next to the donations.

That little red dot that's next to the reviews because it really shows me,

A,

I'm appreciated,

I'm valued.

B,

I'm appreciated,

I'm valued.

C,

I'm appreciated,

I'm valued.

And you're connecting with the information.

It's valuable information.

So that inspires me to create more.

It inspires me to show up and shift and shape.

Let's talk about it.

It inspires me.

And it also helps with the mission of representation and inclusivity in the yoga and wellness space,

Right?

It doesn't have to look like anything you've ever seen before.

So your contribution,

Your engagement right here,

Right now,

When you leave your review,

When you leave your donation,

You are supporting the mission.

All of the engagement towards the instructors here on Insight Timer,

It helps to propel our mission.

So you staying all the way to the end,

Giving me five stars,

Leaving the review is extremely helpful.

For me and the family and the community that I am thriving in,

This empire that is thriving.

Thank you for doing your part.

No matter how big or small you feel like it is,

Your part is important.

Now in yoga,

We have a phrase that loosely translates to the divine light in me recognizes the divine light in you.

We say Namaste.

When I say Namaste,

I mean the divine light in me honors,

Recognizes,

Respects,

Highlights,

Amplifies,

Salutes,

Celebrates that divine light in you.

Come on out.

Namaste,

Yogi.

Until next time.

Reviews

Reminders and Inspirational messages thank you for sharing your meditations 💜

Thank you for the reminder. It’s easy to lose track when you’re lost in the sauce.

Yes, Sister, Yes! Your gifts are so valued and so appreciated in this community. Always love and light to you. Come on now, let's keep leaning in together, Namaste 🙏🏻

Love! Boundaries are so important. They honestly protect me as well as those I serve. Thank you for sharing this light! ❤️🌞