Respect & Being Assertive

I was asked to address the apparent inconsistency between trying to live in humility, as it is prescribed for any aspirant on a true spiritual path, and the need to be assertive in order to protect the vulnerable and innocent who may be in our care. How do we manage this?

Transcript

Om Namo Bhagavate Vasudevaya So,

I received a question here online from Naomi.

So she asks,

In one of the prayers of Sri Caitanya,

You mentioned that it says that one should be more tolerant than a tree and devoid of all sense of false prestige and willing to offer all respects to others.

I'm wondering,

How do we get to this place and is it even possible in this particular age of Kali Yuga?

So I'll just speak about this just briefly before moving on to the two questions that she had in relation to this.

And I had mentioned a couple of times in different talks that the great spiritual personality Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu,

He had said that if one wants to remain in a constant state of transcendence and to be able to be constantly absorbed in this process merged into this ocean of ecstatically wonderful happiness that can come from this transcendental sounds that we chant,

That it was necessary for a person to have acquired two qualities.

One was tolerance and the other one was humility,

A great humbleness.

And we've spoken about that tolerance.

There's a wonderful definition in the Bhagwat Purana that says that tolerance is to,

Or being tolerant means to patiently endure unhappiness.

And I'm just pointing that out because it'll be connected to the answer that I'm speaking of.

And of course,

Humility,

Where one takes a position of not feeling higher or greater than any others and being very willing,

Willing,

Not as an obligation,

But actually out of a sense of compassion,

Gratitude,

Appreciation to show respectfulness towards all others without expecting any honor for oneself.

So in this connection,

She goes on to ask,

Since becoming a mother to two little girls,

I have felt a strong protective instinct more and that in turn has made me more assertive to stand up for them and myself.

Is this okay for my spiritual growth?

And we'll read the next part.

I'm faced more and more with the challenge of separating the physical body and role of mother with that of eternal being,

An eternal spirit soul or spiritual being and seeing others in that way too,

Especially in a situation where I'm not being treated respectfully.

I am referencing encounters with people I don't know,

Not close relationships.

Please help me understand this.

I think the first point I'd like to make is that living a spiritual life or being spiritual is not something that you do.

It is a state of consciousness that you exist in,

Not an artificial imposition,

But you have actually come to this state of awareness of consciousness and it manifests in this way.

The second point is that with spiritual understanding also comes with a broader and deeper understanding of the nature of this world.

In saying that,

Spiritual life is not about an attempt to live an artificially imposed life or a life that is devoid of any sort of reality of our being embodied in and the world in which we live.

I'll just read you a verse.

So this is from the one of the Upanishads which we have spoken of,

I think it was last week the Sri Isopanishad and it states in the 11th mantra or shloka,

Only one who can learn the process of nescience,

Nescience meaning ignorance,

But it means knowledge of that which is material.

So only one who can learn the process of nescience and that of transcendental knowledge side by side can transcend the influence of repeated birth and death and enjoy the full blessings of immortality.

So we are not ever discouraged from developing a healthy perspective that is spiritually founded and provides a framework for us to live within this world,

To carry out our duties and responsibilities,

To engage and be involved in healthy and productive and purpose-driven relationships and to live a life of responsibility while not becoming completely entangled in the material reality.

It's boils down to this saying you've probably heard me use before,

Living in the world but not being of the world.

So this is the spiritual path.

It is very natural that when a parent has children and probably more so with a woman who has children,

There is going to be this very natural instinct to protect.

That natural instinct actually has a spiritual counterpart.

That natural instinct is you see it in animals,

You see it in all different species of life where there is this really strong and powerful drive to protect one's young.

But there is a spiritual counterpart to that.

What is it that's the difference between material life and spiritual life?

It's not so much connected with what you are doing but your reason for doing things,

Why you are doing things.

This is one of the probably most important messages of the Bhagavad Gita.

And so there is going to be this natural and instinctive desire to protect those that you see are your offspring.

In this case,

And she mentions it now that she has two young daughters that becoming a mother to two little girls,

I have felt a strong protective instinct more and that in turn has made me more assertive to stand up for them and myself.

So yes,

This is a natural tendency and one by all means does not have to abandon this.

But that is not,

It's not to be assertive in relation to protecting and standing up for and taking care of can also be done with a spiritual understanding of myself and these two people,

Meaning the two daughters of this woman.

They are eternal spiritual beings.

And for some reason or other,

You have given birth to their bodies.

And by virtue of that,

There is some natural relationship with these two beings.

Because they are eternal spiritual beings,

Your highest duty and responsibility as a mother is to actually see to their spiritual welfare.

There was a great and powerful saintly king in days of yore way back.

His name was Rishabh Deva.

He was considered an incarnation of God.

And he was an incredibly exemplary personality.

And in speaking to his own sons,

He one time stated that one should not become a political leader or a monarch.

One should not become a parent.

One should not become a teacher or a spiritual master of anyone if you cannot offer them liberation.

So the highest duty of anyone that's in the status of being a protector of others and guiding others in their life is to offer them spiritual liberation to guide them in that way.

And so this is the first and foremost responsibility.

And if my connection with them was such that I'm actually seeing them as spiritual beings in my care,

And yes,

I do have this natural relationship as a mother,

Which is a special relationship,

Then the need for me to be protective of them in all ways is really important.

And that can be done and is not inconsistent with,

For instance,

Feeling humility.

A lot of people struggle with understanding what humility really means and how it's actually manifest.

Humility doesn't mean that you become weak,

That you become a pushover,

As it were,

That you are non assertive.

Quite the opposite.

Humility can make you incredibly courageous and even quite brave about things.

But I will mention,

Later on,

You said,

I am faced more and more with the challenge of separating the physical body and role of mother with that of being an eternal spirit soul and seeing others in that way too,

Especially in a situation where I'm not being treated respectfully.

So I think you need to exercise a little caution or I would advise you to exercise a little caution in this regard.

You know,

I think if you are being treated in a way that is unfair and not correct,

It's okay to make that statement and to even demand fair treatment.

But being respected shouldn't necessarily become part of that.

Now,

You may think it is just semantics.

But actually,

The word respect carries a very specific understanding.

It means something very specific.

So for instance,

A person may not feel any respect to you or towards you.

But if you are engaging them to do some work,

If it's a person in a shop selling you something,

If it's a person providing a plumber that's come to the house to repair something,

You can demand a certain code of conduct.

They shouldn't be able to behave in certain ways that are unpleasant or unnecessary and that don't make it so a job has been done any better,

For instance.

You can be quite assertive about that.

But that does not mean that you are taking a position of being superior to them.

You may feel yourself,

You know,

That feel or be coming from a place of great humility.

But in the execution of normal worldly business,

You can bring that spiritual perspective to it and be firm about protecting the interests of your children and yourself because it's right and it's proper to do without feeling that you're better than someone else or that you're higher than someone else or becoming disrespectful.

It's really unfortunate today that when people have a difference of opinion,

A disagreement,

They immediately go to the place of being disrespectful to each other.

And that's just like so unproductive and so entirely unnecessary also.

So learning how to navigate your way through these different situations and learning not to engage when your emotions are being messed with.

No,

That's not the right word.

When you are somebody who's speaking or dealing with you in a certain way and it's causing any emotional reaction from you,

Then you will probably see that more often than not,

It's what is called the false ego,

The false conception of oneself,

The false idea of my worthiness or whatever.

It's all based on material consideration.

It's that that will come into the fore.

And then I start making all these demands or I start getting unpleasant or etcetera,

Etcetera.

One doesn't have to go to that place.

And I'll just give you an example.

You have a trades person who's going or somebody that's going to deliver something to your house and they're not handling the merchandise properly and they're just dumping it there on the ground and they should be bringing it inside the house.

It might be a refrigerator or something.

And you ask them,

Could you please bring it inside?

I can't do it on my own.

And the person gives you an eye roll and says something disparaging.

You can say,

Well,

That's completely unnecessary and that's not your job to behave in that way.

So can you please do what you've been engaged to do and provide the appropriate level of service?

You can learn to say and do things in a way that doesn't engage your emotions or that you're not reacting emotionally to things.

You can be firm and assertive about stuff and yet still be humble.

Being humble doesn't mean that you act in a,

You know,

It's an act.

It's something that you put on.

But inside you may be feeling something completely different.

The humility that we speak from actually comes from within.

So the process of spiritual life is actually really interesting and it's really,

Really quite amazing because it means this shift in the way we actually see things.

So what's going to happen is in the beginning of spiritual life,

You know,

As you acquire more and more understanding or you hear more and more things and you think I need to apply that to my life,

While we may act things out initially,

The process of spiritual cultivation,

The actual benefit of meditation is that we actually begin to internalize these spiritual truths and they become increasingly part of our life and part of the way that we act.

And what it means is that in all our decision-making and in our relationships and the way that we're dealing with stuff,

Things are done with this fundamental spiritual vision that I'm an eternal spiritual being,

These other living beings are also eternal spiritual beings.

We are all the same.

We are all equal in all respects.

Our bodies may be different and with those bodies come different types of mental capacity,

Different types of natural ability,

Different types of talents.

But that does not replace the reality that we are fundamentally all equal.

Having said that,

A person that is growing spiritually does have this sense of compassion and care for others and does not feel in any way greater than others,

Will actually even have the personal feeling of being lower than all others in wanting to do good,

To offer service to all others,

To be somebody who is able to share and to bring benefit and joy to others.

And so from that position,

That very humble and giving position,

It does not mean that one loses a sense of how things should be conducted,

Normal relationships,

Normal business.

And we are always careful to look for these signs or to be aware of these signs.

If my emotions are becoming engaged and begin driving things,

Then I'm fundamentally going to be losing the plot.

So the idea of being assertive,

The idea of being protective is not in any way inconsistent with being humble and tolerant and not inconsistent at all.

And there is a very clear understanding for the transcendentalist that there is a need to live a life that is a good example for others.

Teaching your children by your own example is important.

So this idea of being assertive doesn't mean that you're not fair or that you're not just or that you're not asking for something unreasonable.

Not at all.

You're not going to be doing a Karen on somebody.

You will not start wagging your finger and going off like a mad person.

But at the same time,

By being able to conduct yourself properly,

By being able to act in fairness and in a straightforward and honest way,

You become an example to your own daughters of how it's possible to live in humility and treat others and deal with others in a very appropriate way.

So I hope that has sufficiently answered your question,

Naomi.

It's nice and it's interesting for me because when we start considering these fundamental spiritual truths in relation to our life and the way that we are living and this journey that we have while in this body,

This time that we live out,

Considering how to apply these spiritual principles is actually a really important part of our spiritual growth.

So I encourage you in that regard.

And of course,

As we remind you every week,

It is through the process of the chanting of these sacred names,

These spiritual sounds,

These transcendental sounds that it brings about this transformation.

So I'd like to invite you to join me and we will chant the Gopala Govinda Rama Madana Mohana Mantra.

This is a very beautiful mantra.

This first name or spiritual sound Gopala,

It speaks to the supreme or ultimate protection.

We all want to feel.

You see,

I use the example many times of newborn baby cuddled up in its mother or father's arms and it's all like that look on the face,

Like completely protected and at ease.

And of course,

It doesn't stay like that.

But that desire for that embrace and for that protection is actually a spiritual desire.

And this name Gopala speaks to the ultimate or supreme spiritual protection and shelter that is offered.

Shelter means that the highest transcendence,

This connection with the Supreme Soul,

It enlivens the spiritual senses.

It is a festival of spiritual experience.

Rama means the supreme enjoyment.

Madana Mohana speaks to the all attractive,

Supremely attractive nature of the Supreme Soul.

And so in chanting this mantra,

We are speaking about the desire of the soul itself to be simultaneously at rest and protected,

Utterly enlivened,

Spiritually enlivened to experience the highest transcendental pleasure and to be drawn to the supremely attractive.

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Reviews

Beautiful! I was searching for answers to this question as well!
Thank you 🙏