Resolve Family Dynamics, Once And For All

How do you want to glide through the upcoming holiday season? If you feel called to bring more peace and clarity into your family story, this session is for you. We’ll journey into how conscious awakening helps us meet family wounds with wisdom, dissolve old patterns with grace, and create space for authentic healing and growth.

Transcript

Hello,

Dear people,

How are you,

Welcome,

Welcome to this unique opportunity we give ourselves to stop the rush,

Hold hands,

Virtually,

And walk the path together,

Not just as individuals,

But also as a united consciousness that is asking and answering itself and evolving during this process.

And the excuse we gave ourselves today to meet is the discussion around the question of family dynamics,

Especially as the holiday season is coming up.

This was a special request by Barbara and we are happy to address it.

Our beautiful co-host is here joining us today,

Finally,

And going to be sounding the voice of the sincere seeker for all of us.

So the way you contribute to this journey is by asking your question,

Putting yourself in the spotlight.

Don't hide behind the keyboard.

Make sure you are actively participating.

That's the best way you can contribute to this journey.

So,

Family dynamics,

A short introduction and then it's all yours.

Probably one of the most charged challenges that each one of us is dealing with.

You know,

Mountains of books and articles and researches,

Billions of dollars on psychotherapy,

All kinds of techniques,

Family constellations,

Etc.

,

Etc.

,

Trying to resolve it.

What is so complicated about it?

And specifically,

What can we learn from it as seekers?

Of an awakened consciousness.

This is what we're here today to find out.

So the first thing we need to recognize is each relationship that we have is an opportunity for us to observe ourselves with the other person.

And of course,

The more intimate that relationship is,

The more charged is the reflection.

It's natural that it will be so.

But the more intimate it is,

The more vulnerable we feel.

Because the element of possible pain is very vivid in that sense.

We are most exposed to the people that are closest to us,

That we love,

That we cherish,

Or that we are born around,

Right?

Shaped by that interaction.

So it's natural that we feel this may be challenging.

Otherwise,

You know,

We just don't care what other people are doing or saying or thinking.

It's got nothing to do with me,

But if it's a part of me,

Then it reflects on me,

Right?

This is why it becomes so challenging.

What does it say about me?

So we can expect family dynamics to be a critical aspect of what we do and how we deal with our relationships.

So remembering that,

It's just an opportunity for us to learn about ourselves.

Nothing more.

Happy to address your questions in this regard.

Who would like to be the first to jump into the walls?

Jennifer is asking,

Why do we often act most unkind or hurt those we love most?

It's a good question.

Something to ponder on.

Why do we act most unkind?

A possible answer would be because this is where we feel most vulnerable,

Right?

So the best way to defense is offense.

To feel that you are in charge in the situation,

You make sure no pain is sticking to you,

Is by applying pain on somebody else.

No,

That's how it goes in sports.

The best defense is offense.

You want to keep the play in their side of the field.

And Jennifer says,

It's unintentional,

But I find my harshest words can be to those I love most.

Yeah.

So what do you learn about that?

What do you learn using that about yourself?

This is what I mean.

When you say harsh words,

When you offend other people,

Especially the people that you love,

You know,

What is the force that motivates you to act like that?

Is it love,

Compassion?

Is it your attentiveness?

Is it your awareness?

Or is it fear?

These are,

I mean,

To make the complicated story simple,

These are the two forces,

Right?

Love or fear.

Yeah,

Probably fear.

And now you need to ask yourself,

What are you afraid of?

Why do you feel that you need to protect yourself by your harsh words?

What does your harsh words do?

They separate,

No?

They keep a distance.

People hurt,

They close,

They are not open to meet you,

To be intimate with you,

Because they are offended,

Right?

It's natural that people would close and shut down and try to be as far away from the source of their pain.

So you need to create that distance.

Why?

Why is that gap necessary?

Why is this?

For what?

Ask yourself,

Why intimate relationships are a threat?

What are you afraid of?

Again,

This is true for your family,

But for everything that you meet in life.

In the family,

It just gets additional steam,

Because we have so many ideas and stories about these people.

We grew beside them throughout our lives.

We have this whole bunch of opinions about who they are,

What they are for you.

What do you think?

What can people be afraid of that a gap between them and their loved one is required?

Jennifer is surmising the fear is of being hurt or rejected,

But it makes a lot of sense what you were saying.

Being hurt or rejected.

Yeah,

We are afraid of the pain.

And we know intimate relationships can be painful.

We know that from experience,

Right?

Let's try to touch that pain.

Fear of rejection,

As says.

Fear of rejection.

Why is it so important that we are accepted,

Especially by our loved ones?

Why do we need that approvement?

Approval.

Sorry.

Why do we need that approval?

It's like a stamp saying,

OK,

I'm worthy.

I get this certification.

You see,

The people that love me approve that I'm good enough to receive that love that I require.

Jyoti says fear of judgment and criticism,

And Barbara says fear I am somehow not good enough.

Yeah.

This innate sense that I'm not worthy,

Not really.

And those people knows me from day one.

So if they somehow don't approve,

That's there's an additional pain there because they know me beyond my image that I'm trying to sustain.

You know,

I can play a part when I'm with these people or another part when I'm with that people,

Those people.

But with my closest family,

They know me from day one.

So rejection from them is can bring additional pain.

As if like they touching something real.

Right.

Ask yourself,

How much does this force plays in your life?

The endless chase for approval.

That innate sense that you need that approval because you don't feel worthy,

Not truly.

And again,

This takes courage and honesty,

As always.

This,

What you may see back from the mirror might be unpleasant,

Might be horrific.

But you have to take that.

Be willing to look at it.

Are you deep down,

Still seeking for approval?

You may be 50 and your parents may be 80,

But you're still chasing for that.

Primal approval.

I'm good enough.

Let me just say,

The fact that you become aware of that is already half the solution.

Usually we are just chasing ghosts.

We are not even aware that this is happening.

We are so conditioned to seek approval that we are not aware that this is what is motivating us.

This is what keeps fueling our relationships.

Another thing to realize is that nobody,

Nobody can approve you.

Not your father,

Not your mother,

Not your siblings,

Not your loved ones,

Not your kids.

Nobody can approve you if you don't believe that you are worthy.

Not God himself.

Jesus cannot come from the heavens and touch your forehead and tell you,

It's okay,

You're good enough.

You would say,

Really?

And how would you finally know that you are good enough?

Self-inquiry.

Self-knowledge.

The reason we are running around asking people what they think about us is because we don't know who we are.

Not truly.

We are still attached to images about ourselves,

Opinions about ourselves,

Positioning us relative to the other as separated entities.

Self-knowledge will stop that.

The consciousness is awakened to its true nature,

Stops asking people what they think about it.

It's irrelevant.

It's like the left arm asking the right arm,

What do you think about me?

Am I similar enough?

Am I beautiful enough?

Am I as useful?

What do you think about me?

I need that feedback for self-appreciation.

So,

I guarantee,

If you don't know who you are,

Other people's opinions will stay and remain crucial for you to appreciate yourself.

And you will never be free because you'll always be dependent on what other people think about you.

And think about it,

The moment you stop depending on what other people think about you,

The element of danger drops from that relationship.

And you don't have to defend yourself anymore.

Excuse yourself.

You don't have to be manipulated by what they think.

And be a puppet on a wire,

How do you call it?

Marionette.

Marionette of their opinions.

Hmm?

What?

So,

Karmis says,

One idea in my family is men should do all the talking and women should just listen.

To contribute in their conversations is an interruption.

This dynamic triggers me and will,

And I will not let it go unnoticed.

It is futile to try and change these kinds of men,

So I just don't show up anymore.

That's a family dynamic that many women have to deal with.

I'm sure you will have to bite on this juicy cake.

Wait,

Wait,

Don't go.

Let's stay here.

So men won't allow me to participate fairly in this conversation because I'm a woman.

And this triggers me,

End of quote.

You recognize that you are triggered,

Yes?

So you can do one of two things.

Either keep blaming the source that is triggering you and expecting the source to change so you won't be triggered anymore,

And there's no freedom there because you're dependent on that source,

Right?

Or you can learn from the trigger and evolve so you won't be triggered anymore.

And that does not depend on the world.

You learning the lesson has got nothing to do with the world around you and the circumstances that you face or the family dynamics that you experience.

Yes,

Taking that responsibility.

I'm triggered.

I don't want to be triggered.

So how can I evolve beyond whatever is bothering me?

So it won't bother me anymore.

Do you want to sit stuck to your position and keep blaming the world for your misery?

Women should be equally engaged and allowed in the conversation.

Or you would like to evolve beyond that circumstance and be free whenever,

In front of any circumstances.

If this is the case,

Then there is a simple way to stop your suffering and not be triggered anymore.

Just drop the idea that you have that the world is confused and I am right.

Drop it.

What is more important to you?

To stand on your ground,

Hold your position,

Your agenda,

Carry that flag in the name of all womankind,

Etc,

Etc?

Or do you want to be free?

And you know that once you don't continue to be a victim of your own opinions,

You become a free individual.

And from that inner freedom,

From that inner sense of calmness,

Equality,

You can find a way to navigate through the challenges that life sometimes puts on your path.

Sometimes it will be to embrace the situation and not be involved.

Sometimes it will be saying your words,

But you will find a way to say it in harmony with what is happening.

I guarantee you that.

Not as a defiance,

This is my stand,

I am right and you are wrong,

Because you know this will end in tears.

You will find a way,

Because love always finds a way.

What do you think about that?

Karoly is not convinced.

I guess I'm thinking of family dynamics,

Particularly.

It feels like family,

Family in particular,

And people that are close to us are often people that we end up spending a lot of time with,

Especially at holiday times.

Or if there's lots of conflict or negative emotions or triggering events,

It ends up being a source of distance and avoidance,

And trying to avoid those triggers by not showing up to family gatherings,

That kind of thing.

So either way,

It seems like there's sources of pain.

You're either removing yourself from the situation,

Which causes pain by not having that closeness,

Or you're experiencing pain because you're not able to be in that situation without the conflict and fear and things that come up.

So what does it look like,

Even if it's a one-sided,

You know,

Energetic lane,

Where you don't have any expectations,

And you come with no fear,

And you come with knowledge of self,

What does that look like in the example of being triggered because there's no opportunity for women to be involved in the conversation?

Women should be equally involved in the conversation tonight,

Around this table.

Right?

Does it sound morally true?

Good,

Go for it.

Does it contradict the reality that you experience around the table tonight?

If it does,

You suffer.

That is the truth.

Karma is saying,

Tolerance of inequity is not my ideal of freedom.

I tell you,

Freedom is not an idea.

If you try to generate a concept about freedom,

I guarantee you're gonna fail.

Freedom is not about what you think.

It's not about your opinions at all.

It's about how present you are,

And when you are covered with ideas and opinions,

You cannot be present,

Because there is always this comparison between what I believe and what is actually happening.

Think about it.

You want to be free?

Are you truly?

Or do you want to be right or just?

You win an argument.

Stand on your position.

Create some sort of safe space around you,

Protected by your own opinions.

What are you afraid of?

You're talking about pain?

I tell you,

Most of the pain that you're talking about is self-generated.

Because you prefer,

You love your opinions more than you love the situation that you're in.

And you believe that your beautiful ideas are the absolute truth.

So let's take this a little further down the path.

So S says,

It takes a lot of hard work to stay out of the mind and cultivate grounded,

Embodied safety.

Wait,

Wait,

Wait.

Who talked about safety?

Life is not safe.

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

I didn't say safe.

No,

No.

The whole point of creating a self-space around us is because we are intimidated by life.

Fear is governing the size of the sphere around us.

Right?

Some people are so afraid,

They are untouchables.

Like the sphere is so big,

There is no way to reach in and touch them.

No way.

Ask yourself,

This is how you want to live your life?

Armed with a protective shield against the pain that life may inflict?

No,

No,

No.

This is not freedom.

Pain is there.

Life can be painful,

For sure.

Especially with people that we love.

Yeah,

It's not a problem.

Pain is there.

So?

Pleasure is there as well.

Side by side with pain.

Ask yourself,

Do you want to keep on praying for rain,

But running between the drops so you won't get wet?

That's how you want to live your life?

Forget about safe space.

Forget about it.

Drop this.

Be present.

Allow life to touch you.

Pain or pleasure?

Pleasure and pain are one and the same.

This is freedom.

How many times have we said this sentence?

Pleasure and pain are one and the same.

What?

So,

What are we all going to do going into this holiday season?

You tell me.

What do you suggest?

Are we going there with a protective shield?

You know,

Making sure nothing happens painful touches us?

Walking on eggshells,

Making sure nothing unstable collapses?

Or are we going there with a whole heart and a willing soul?

Saying,

I'm here.

This is me.

I'm here to spread this presence and share my love with my loved ones.

And whatever comes,

Pain or pleasure,

I'll embrace it.

I'm big enough.

And this is another thing that we need to remember.

I am bigger than the experience,

As intense as it may be.

I'm always bigger than the experience.

There is nothing life can throw at me that is beyond my capacity.

It's too much.

It's not true.

It's an illusion caused by lack of self-awareness.

Be present.

Say yes to life.

Bring it on.

That's an awakened consciousness.

Are you going to sit at that table starving for acknowledgement?

Starving for a pat on your back?

Yes,

Yes,

You're good enough.

You're worthy.

Don't worry.

Or are you going to present the sense of calm?

I know who I am.

Not just a beautiful human being.

I'm the manifestation of Divine Consciousness currently having a human experience in a body,

Female or male.

This is who I am.

Why should I be afraid of anything?

This is temporary.

All these people around the table will be buried in 20 years,

30 years,

50 years,

80 years,

Whatever.

Who cares?

Consciousness,

I am an expression of eternity,

Having this earthly experience right now.

Am I going to throw it away because it might be painful?

Temporarily painful?

So what?

Come on,

Wake up!

What else?

So let's go back to the example.

Yes.

And answer my question this time.

What's your question?

Walk us through what it would look like.

So I walk into the situation where all the men have the priority in the conversation,

And I'm considered to be interrupting if I have my say.

So what?

Make a cup of tea and offer it to them.

Find a way to spread your grace and love.

So what?

Find a way to spread your grace and love.

It's much more important than your opinions about women's stands in the world.

Help in the kitchen,

Whatever is required.

Who cares?

If you need to be a doormat,

Be a beautiful doormat.

Everybody that comes to the house says,

Wow,

This is an amazing doormat.

Who cares?

Karma says,

Oy vey.

We have a Jewish karma there.

Do you feel triggered?

Good.

It means we're doing something.

Observe that trigger.

Yeah,

Let's all take a deep breath.

Take it in and let go so there's space for something else.

Yes,

Please.

So karma says,

Ruth Bader Ginsburg,

Gloria Steinem,

Jane Fonda,

Moving the dial forward for equality and justice.

If we keep silent,

We do not create change for the whole,

Only for ourselves.

What kind of change do you want to create?

I'm telling you,

People are so obsessed about creating change.

It's not about whether change happens or not.

I tell you,

Change is inevitable.

Change is the definition of life.

It's embedded in the fabric of life itself.

Life changes all the time.

That's how we know it's alive,

Because it's changing,

It's evolving.

That's not the question.

The question is,

What kind of change do you want to contribute?

What kind of energy do you want to contribute to that change?

Is it based on your frustration,

Anger,

Disappointment?

I tell you,

This is the change that you will generate.

You come from disharmony,

You generate disharmony.

That's how it works.

It cannot work otherwise.

If you come from love,

From compassion,

You come from inner harmony,

You generate an harmonious reality.

What kind of change do you want to contribute to the world?

You have 80 years to do that.

What kind of contribution do you want to have?

Do you think that if you love life,

You stop contributing to the change?

How is that possible?

Why?

Look at the history of humankind.

How many people you can recall that created immense change throughout the history and did not move because of anger and fear and frustration and suffering?

How many people can you recall that were moved by love and are marked in the collective memory of humanity as change makers?

Ask yourself,

What kind of change maker do you want to be?

Do you think that as human beings,

Because we feel the limits of our lifespan,

That that type of change that you're talking about doesn't happen fast enough?

No,

No,

It doesn't matter.

Like it doesn't have as deep of an impact or as quick of an effect?

It has an amazing impact that you're not even aware of because you're stuck to a specific result.

Until that happens,

I'm not satisfied.

Okay,

Whatever.

Women have to have equal rights and I keep on fighting to make sure this happens and I will not be satisfied before.

Right?

So you are not free.

The whole journey is governed by frustration and expectation of a possible future reality.

Only then I can be happy and satisfied.

And this is just a way for you to realize how you are motivated to move.

Doesn't matter how just your cause is.

Maybe it's better if we use a different example,

One where you're affected.

Listen,

If you feel triggered,

Good.

I'm happy that you are.

Okay,

I'm an immigrant in a foreign land.

Okay,

I would be delighted if the people in Canada would be more warm and genuine and frank like the people I used to where the culture I came grew in.

I would be delighted for that to happen.

I'm actively working for that.

But like we have this monthly meeting and we have this inner circle of people that are learning how to communicate on a different level,

Deeper,

More meaningful level.

We do that.

But do I cling my happiness to the possible end result that I have in my head?

I will be happy when people around me know and experience what I expect them to experience.

Or am I available to embrace the present moment as it is?

That's the question you need to ask yourself.

Change is happening within you,

Within the relationship you have with your families,

With your colleagues.

Life changes.

You are changing.

Your body is changing.

Your opinions change.

Everything is changing.

Don't worry about the change.

Focus on the motivation.

Do you believe that you can only be happy,

Satisfied,

Fulfilled,

Enlightened when something else is happening?

Only then.

When people around the table realize that I have the right to say what I want to say,

When I want to say,

As I want to say,

Then I can be happy.

Well,

Good luck with that.

Karma is suggesting maybe you should be a beautiful doormat and make them some tea.

Yeah,

It happens.

It happens.

What are you protecting?

Your position,

Your fantasy about who you should be,

What people should think about you?

What are you protecting?

And why do you feel you need to protect?

What is the danger?

Be honest about it.

Observe this question.

Protect against what?

What's the danger?

These conversations always come to this level of tension between surrendering to the experience and what's happening,

And finding that place of your participation in that experience and the actions that you execute to be a part of that change.

So what you're suggesting is that you be that beautiful doormat,

Which essentially means completely surrendering to the experience and what's happening,

I.

E.

You have no expectations.

There's nothing there in the future because you're just completely in the present moment.

But in that moment,

You're choosing to be a part of that experience.

You're choosing actions out of love that spread that inner peace to the outer world,

Rather than trying to have it be the reverse.

And in the grand scheme of things,

That's what makes the world turn.

Ideally.

Unfortunately,

Most of the times it's the other way around,

Of course.

But especially for us who are sincerely working on the spiritual path,

Ask yourself,

What kind of force would you like to govern your decision-making process,

Govern your life,

Your journey?

Is it the fear of the pain that my life may inflict and protecting yourself against that fear?

Or is it an endless opportunity to share your grace and love?

So this beautiful doormat thing is always a bone of contention.

You don't get stuck in that position.

Sometimes what is required is a doormat.

Sometimes what is required is a beautiful chandelier that spreads the light.

Sometimes what requires is a leader that moves the whole herd forward.

Whatever is required,

You know,

Be flexible.

Don't get stuck in a position,

In an opinion,

In an agenda.

That's what's so beautiful about an awakened consciousness.

It's as flexible as water,

But as stable as a mountain.

Nothing can change it or shake it or threaten it.

So Karma is saying there's a rainbow of loving options to create change for good.

Exactly.

Some people can do as your own suggests.

Some are more like Martin Luther King Jr.

Or Ginsburg.

It's all heading towards a better ending.

Don't worry about the ending.

We're at the present moment.

Why do you seem troubled?

Just making sure we hit all the points.

Isn't it so much better when Carly's here with us?

I think.

.

.

Thanks,

Christine.

Circling back to the harsh words I've used on loved ones.

I mean,

Yeah,

So S is taking the perspective of,

If we go back to our example of the room full of men not letting women speak.

That's kind of the man side of things,

You know?

Maybe a man in that circle is,

In our example,

Is realizing,

You know,

My words are harsh.

I'm becoming aware that I'm not actually letting everyone in the room speak.

You know,

That awareness of the harsh words or that awareness of the unkindness is something.

There is an important lesson to learn here.

And you know,

These men around the table,

They're not evil.

Don't judge them by their behavior.

Or the person giving the harsh words.

This is just an example.

Don't judge them by the way they behave or what they believe,

Their set of beliefs.

You know,

They are the consequences of their outbringing,

Just like you.

They don't mean to be evil.

So don't put that tag on their forehead.

Or yourself.

Don't judge people because of their actions or mistakes.

Or yourself.

You know,

You make sure you keep reminding yourself again and again,

What people give you is the best version of themselves they know how to give.

That's it.

And even if it translates as harsh behavior,

Harsh words,

You know,

Inconsiderate,

Whatever,

Even violent,

This is how they know how to express their inner world.

In the best way they know.

And yourself,

Same.

You know,

Don't judge yourself because what you've said,

How you behaved.

You know,

Don't worry about that.

This is the best version of them or you.

And the best way for them to express it at the present moment.

Don't judge that.

You know,

Have compassion when people operate because of ignorance or because of suffering.

You know,

Have compassion to that.

I was watching stupid videos this morning of people dropping turkeys into hot boiling oil,

Probably because it's American Thanksgiving,

Right?

Mm-hmm.

So there is one where the child wants to come outside to watch what's going on.

And you know,

Whoever's videoing what's happening and the dad or whoever that's about to drop this turkey where he knows the oil is going to splash out of the pod,

But the little girl doesn't know that.

And so they're telling her to go back inside and it ends up coming out very violently yelling,

Get,

Get inside,

You know,

And she's sort of startled and doesn't understand what's going on.

And,

You know,

So that's,

That's an example of somebody that,

That is,

I mean,

In the bigger picture,

You can see that that dad is obviously trying to protect their child from being hurt.

But what comes out is also hurt and harsh and yelling and violent words or tone or whatever.

So when you're 50,

Remembering that scene with your father shouting at you,

Have compassion,

Have compassion.

This is the best version of him and the best way he knew how to express that version.

Or protect you or protect.

The best way he knew how to behave with you.

So don't be too harsh with your judgments.

Have compassion.

And see the bigger picture as much as you can,

Especially if you're sincere on your quest for an awakened consciousness,

It's always about seeing the biggest context.

Don't take it so personally.

This happened to me.

This identifies me.

It doesn't.

It's just a game.

All the personal aspects of your life will be buried in 20 years,

40 years,

Whatever.

And nobody will remember or care.

It doesn't matter.

Karma's inviting you to come dressed as a woman to their,

To her family's dinner.

Okay,

We just had a long conversation about men dressed as women today.

No,

We didn't.

We had a long conversation about transgender women in sports.

What else?

Do we have time for one more?

No,

We're eight minutes over time.

I'm having fun here.

One more question.

Make it good.

Boom.

Okay,

Here you go.

You asked for it.

I'm saying if I'm in a room where people don't know me to speak,

I don't have to get mad.

I can go to a different room and find different people who will talk to or include me.

I'm not a victim.

I'm responsible for getting my own emotional needs met.

Jagoldev,

Are you a victim of circumstances or are you embracing the opportunity life gives you to spread your love and compassion and grace?

That's it?

There is no other third option.

These are the two options.

So I would like to invite you all,

If you are in the neighborhood,

To join us on a silence retreat in the Sinai desert in Egypt.

On the 11th of February,

If you are interested in being silent in front of the Red Sea,

Touch base with us.

We'll share the information.

And thank you very much for being here,

Joining us,

Sharing this hour,

Growing together.

You have homework in the form of meeting your loved ones with a whole heart and a willing soul.

Maybe for the first time,

Go there with no expectations,

No demands,

No position holding,

No protective shield.

Just go there using this as an opportunity to share your love and grace.

That's it.

And we can meet after one week to see what was your experience.

Yes.

Djegovdev,

Love you very much.

Take care.

Bye-bye.