Graceful Relationships - Part 8

Join us for a transformative series of talks exploring our relationships. Through this lens, we aim to integrate both the personal and the universal into one harmonious understanding.

Co-hosted by Carly Beaulieu.

The Song of the Mahamudra – Chapter 8: Cut the Root The song continues: cut the root of a tree and the leaves will wither; cut the root of your mind and samsara falls. The light of any lamp dispels in a moment the darkness of long kalpas; the strong light of the mind in but a flash will burn the veil of ignorance. Whoever clings to the mind sees not the truth of what’s beyond the mind.

Whoever strives to practice dharma finds not the truth beyond practice. To know what is beyond both mind and practice, one should cut cleanly through the root of the mind and stare naked. One should thus break away from all distinctions and remain at ease.

Transcript

Hello dear people,

Welcome to this unique opportunity we give ourselves every week to stop the rush,

Hold hands and walk the path together,

Not just as individuals but as a closer,

United consciousness that is asking and answering itself and grows together with that dance.

This series of meetings is dedicated to the topic of graceful relationships.

What is it,

What prevents it and what can we do to come closer,

To manifest it in our own private world and as humanity.

So that's your chance to shine and share your questions,

Share your difficulties,

Share everything that you feel that is still unresolved and stands between you and graceful relationships.

So who would like to be the first one to jump into the water today?

By the way,

I didn't introduce Carly,

Who will be sounding the voice of the sincere seeker.

Are there any sincere seekers here tonight?

Jesse is saying,

I don't have a question per se,

But wanted to thank you as I started listening to you last week and I feel that I have gained so much from your teachings.

You justify my existence.

And to recognize the importance of this and to be thankful is a true sign of maturity.

Let's talk about thankfulness until somebody comes with a question.

This quality to see how lucky we are,

No matter what is the circumstance,

It could be pleasant,

It could be unpleasant,

It could be tensed,

And so on.

But the quality to recognize how blessed you are,

To be able to experience it,

To feel the pleasure,

To feel the pain,

Is so unique.

Without that sense of gratefulness,

You will never quench your thirst,

Never.

To be thankful means you can take a sip of water and actually enjoy it,

Fully,

You know?

Appreciate it.

That's things that we take for granted so easily.

And it's not just the fact that you are,

You know,

A privileged white person somewhere in North America.

Yeah,

That aside.

But just the fact that you have a body,

That's true for everyone.

That you have a body and you breathe and you live through that body and you experience life in a physical realm,

What are the chances that that would happen?

So,

Developing that quality of appreciate this opportunity is truly unique.

Next time life happens,

Whether you expected it or it's a surprise,

Whether it fits your plan or contradict them,

Whether it's challenging your set of beliefs and ideas about what's right and wrong and what should happen or should not happen,

Remind yourself,

Regardless,

Just the fact that you are able to experience it is so profound,

So precious,

Isn't it?

So,

In the context of relationship,

That's the topic of our talk,

To appreciate the fact that you have a relationship,

That you have that interaction,

Doesn't matter if it's with your partner or with your parents or kids or,

You know,

Whatever,

Associates.

You have that.

You can interact in that human level,

It's incredible.

One of the mantras between Carly and me,

Can I share?

I don't know,

What are you sharing?

Like,

That we keep asking ourselves,

Each other,

Again and again and again,

Is,

Don't you think it's weird that we ended up together,

Just appreciating that fact,

Being mesmerized by that,

Keeping that mystery alive and burned?

So precious.

Is it harder to stay in that state of gratefulness when you are experiencing not-so-graceful relationships?

Gratefulness sort of implies that you have the capacity and the space to sit in that gratefulness or experience or become aware of it,

But when things are in turmoil in a relationship,

If you're not getting along or you,

I don't know,

Have some sort of conflict,

Whether you live with that person or you experience them at work or,

You know,

They come over,

You know,

And there's some sort of conflict there,

How do you find the space to experience that gratefulness?

It becomes before the intellect.

The intellect is creating an opinion about what is happening,

Yeah?

And that opinion throws us into the drama.

I know what should have happened.

That's not what should have happened,

Okay?

That I that knows,

Yeah,

Is the intellect that generates an opinion.

So gratefulness comes before that.

And this takes some maturity,

No?

It takes some alertness.

You be conscious of that in real time,

Regardless if your intellect is trying to convince you of this or that.

Just the fact that you are here experiencing that is magnificent by itself,

You know?

Yeah,

Naturally,

If things don't work out the way you think it should have worked out,

You are contracting,

You are rejecting,

You are avoiding,

You are frustrated,

Angry,

Violent,

Et cetera,

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

It's difficult to be gracefully appreciative in that state of mind,

Right?

So before that,

Before you are completely carried away into the drama of I know what should happen,

Just the observer in you is aware of the precious opportunity.

You are receiving from life to experience this through a physical body,

May be pleasant or unpleasant.

And if you need a trick to remind you of that,

The best tool I can provide is take a deep breath.

Before you are carried away into the drama,

Take a deep breath and use it to bring your attention back to the present moment so you can experience it and appreciate it.

If you are not here present consciously,

How can you appreciate the present moment?

You are not here to experience it.

Right.

So come back,

Come back with the breath,

Come back.

Take one long conscious breath and remind yourself,

Oh,

This is an opportunity,

A unique opportunity.

It might be the last opportunity life is giving me to experience it.

Why don't I experience it as if it was the last time I get a chance to do so?

You know,

All these stories about people suddenly finding meaning in life when the doctor tells them they only have three weeks to live.

How many times did you hear that story?

No?

And they appreciate every moment,

Every gesture,

Every interaction suddenly becomes so meaningful and they cherish that.

Do you really want to wait three weeks before you die to come to that state of mind?

Why?

You have a whole life ahead of you.

You don't need to wait for that wake up slap from life.

Wake up without a slap.

What do you say?

Come on,

Interact.

I feel I'm talking to myself here today.

I'm here.

So come on,

Hit me.

I don't know if you know the unwritten rule here on the White Path.

I cannot answer a question that was not asked.

I'm not allowed to.

It's prohibited.

So you have to ask.

How am I to understand that your relationships are resolved and we can wrap up this program?

What does that mean,

Relationships are resolved?

What does that look like?

You live it on a daily basis.

Do I?

Okay,

You tell me.

What are you still learning through our relationships that you feel that you still need to resolve?

I feel like we learn about ourselves through relationship.

I think we can use relationship to have a deeper awareness and understanding of self.

It's like a way for God or divinity or the consciousness or the existence to demonstrate oneness and self.

In a way that comes in little bite-sized pieces as you interact with people,

Things and places and experiences.

Okay,

So in that context,

I would say that unresolved relationships don't allow that to happen because they are too self-observed.

Absorbed?

They are too focused about me and what will happen to me and why does it always happen to me and what will I gain and lose out of that.

Too self-absorbed.

The ego is too dominant and this learning is not truly possible.

Even if the opportunity is there for me to learn and grow,

As you described,

I miss it because I'm too preoccupied with my own shit.

Excuse my French.

So,

Unresolved relationships means that we are still stuck in the drama that relationships suggest.

So,

The fact that you are not asking tonight,

It's either you lost hope that this is possible or you are already resolved and this session is completely futile.

Jesse is asking,

What are your thoughts on healing attachment styles and codependency?

Do you know what they mean by attachment styles?

Without getting too philosophical about it,

Think about the force that propels us to attach and to be dependent.

Why do we attach and why are we dependent?

There's only one reason,

A universal reason,

Regardless of the specifics of your own story and the relationships that you manage.

And that universal force is fear.

We are afraid.

We are afraid,

Therefore,

We attach ourselves.

For example,

We are afraid that without that person,

We are lost,

We are meaningless or we are helpless.

So,

We need that person to create some sort of stability or some kind of nourishment.

Otherwise,

I will be starving to death.

Yes?

That's how we develop dependency because we believe that without them,

There is no existence for us.

So,

If you really want to resolve that,

Which is a separate question,

The only way to go beyond that attachment and dependency is to observe your fears.

Learn about your fears,

Recognize them.

Understand the source of the fear.

Look in the eye of the fear.

Don't be afraid of the fear.

And eventually,

Go beyond it.

When you're not afraid anymore,

You will see attachments will disengage.

It's not something you need to put some effort or energy on.

It will naturally,

You know,

When the fruit is ripe,

It falls.

The tree doesn't have to shake it.

It falls by itself.

So,

You work on your fears.

See why are you propelled to be dependent and attached.

And I tell you another thing.

All that work of recognizing the fear and go beyond it is relevant after you made sure you actually want to be free of attachment and dependency.

Before that,

All that investigation,

All that energy,

All that attention is useless.

Not because you cannot be free,

But because you don't want to.

Not really.

So,

The first thing you need to ask yourself after recognizing that you are led by fear is do you really want to go beyond it?

And this is not a trivial question.

It's not a trick question.

It may sound,

You know,

Yeah,

Of course,

Why not?

But once you realize the price tag of this attaching yourself and find those resources within,

What would you need to let go of?

Many people realizing that say,

No,

No,

No,

This is not what I have in mind.

I'd rather keep attaching.

I'm not ready to take that kind of responsibility.

It's better to continue to victimize myself and persuade the world that I'm miserable because of them.

Hmm?

Do you see what I'm saying?

So,

This is an invitation for you,

Each and every one of you,

Who is brave enough to sit here and confront this question,

This invitation.

Invitation for self-inquiry.

Am I led by fears?

Especially in the context of my relationships.

Am I easy to attach?

Am I dependent on that relationship for something?

And if so,

Am I willing to search for the source of the fear that propels me to engage in that sense?

I guess I'm thinking about the idea of disattachment and how that can look too much like avoidance or not engaging.

You know,

Like the attachment styles,

The avoidant attachment style and the anxious attachment styles.

If you're speaking about like a spiritual disattachment versus the attachment style of avoidance,

Both can have this similar level of not feeling or not becoming reactionary or going down the rabbit hole of drama.

If you're not sure why you are disattached,

Then search inside and see if what is leading you is fear or love.

That's always the criteria.

Am I attaching because of fear or am I just loving?

Am I disattaching because of fear or am I loving?

And that's the way love presents itself.

The fact that you are an embodiment of unconditional love doesn't make you disattached from other people.

The opposite.

The nature of love is to bring everything together.

You cannot feel disattached when you are in love.

With anybody,

Not specifically your private partner.

When you are in love,

You are embracing all.

Nothing is excluded.

Right?

So that's one way to look at it.

If you feel that you are disattached.

.

.

Okay,

I understand your question.

What's the difference between disattachment and dispassion?

There is a spiritual term called dispassion which is promoted on the spiritual path.

Dispassion.

What is dispassion?

Dispassion is your ability to feel whole in any situation.

You are not lacking anything.

You are not driven by passion in the sense of feverishness.

Without it,

I can't be at peace.

Yes,

There is passion which is a natural way of love to express itself.

Love is passionate,

But not because it's missing something.

Do you see the difference?

So if you disengage,

It's probably because you are afraid.

If you feel that you need a distance and you don't want to be close to you or intimate with you,

There is most probably fear.

It's difficult for love to say no,

No,

No,

No.

I don't want intimacy.

Love barely knows how to say no to anything.

So once you start saying no,

You know that what guides you is fear.

I don't know if I cleared the situation or just made it more complicated.

No.

No?

I like the definition or the idea of feverishness.

I think that explains a lot when there's some level of energy to your reaction.

And if you're saying no,

There's a big question mark there,

Right?

Like last week,

I was having a time right before our meeting last week,

And I was having a hard time figuring out if my reaction was related to feeling disconnection and how that affects me,

Or if my reaction was something related to.

.

.

Yeah,

I think that's a good distinction between the dispassion and the disconnection or disattachment.

Yeah,

So fear versus love.

Okay,

If you're not sure,

Search.

Are you led by fear or are you led by love?

And if you're not sure about that,

Then physically look in your body.

When you are afraid,

There is contraction.

Your body is tensed,

Contracted.

When you are free of fear,

Your body is loose and you feel comfortable and relaxed.

So I guess my question is,

Is there a time when something can trigger a reaction in you where maybe action needs to be taken,

Where you can be led in that way by love?

So the initial activation or trigger might lead you to an action that you can follow the path of love rather than letting the fear overtake,

I guess.

I'm not sure when you say reactive.

Yeah,

Like do those two things go together?

Love is not.

.

.

How do you say?

Love is not helpless.

Love is not passive.

Love is active.

Love translates into doing many,

Many,

Many times.

And the more advanced you are on the path,

The more love takes over and generates action for sure.

Saying that,

If you find that you were activated by old patterns and carried into the drama once again,

Once you recognize that,

Take a deep breath.

You know,

Remind yourself,

No,

No,

No.

I want love to guide me.

Take a deep breath.

Let go of that tension.

Ask yourself,

What would I have done if there's only love in me right now?

Pull yourself out of the drama.

Don't.

.

.

You don't have to fall down the same rabbit hole again and again and again.

It's up to you.

You can stop it.

Don't convince yourself otherwise.

Don't convince yourself that this is the other person's responsibility.

And you can only do that when they change.

That's not true.

That is an illusion.

Too many couples walk through life blaming each other for their own misery.

Don't be one of those couples.

If you find yourself being triggered,

Carried away by the drama,

By old patterns,

Never mind.

Take a deep breath.

Remind yourself,

No,

No,

No.

This is not what I want.

I want to remain with a whole heart and a willing soul.

I want to be an embodiment of unconditional love.

Yes,

Even though I believe that I am right and I am just and I am holy.

This is more important for me.

Stay open.

Stay soft.

Just take a deep breath and remind yourself that.

That's it.

Does that answer your question?

Is there another question?

Eva is asking how to communicate better in a relationship.

There's nonviolent communication,

Modality,

And other paths.

But what are your thoughts on communication?

Communication is a natural expression of your inner being.

Don't bother.

Don't bother.

Don't put so much energy on becoming a master of nonviolent communication.

Because it's meaningless if within you,

You are burning with violence.

It's just a better way to masquerade it.

Eventually,

It will erupt.

Don't bother about the technique.

I tell you,

The technique is worthless.

If you're not manifesting some inner truth,

Then it's completely pointless.

It's artificial.

It's counterproductive.

Really,

Why?

Because your plaster is just more advanced than other people's plasters.

It's more attractive or whatever.

It stays longer.

But under the plaster,

You're still bleeding.

And until you heal that wound,

It's pointless.

You see what I'm saying?

So,

Focus on that.

Focus on how to become a manifestation of nonviolence.

And that would translate into your communication naturally.

Don't worry about it.

What is nonviolence?

It's you stopping being afraid,

Stopping suffering.

How to do that?

There is a whole talk specifically on that.

Go back to my Insight Timer page.

Listen to it.

Do you see what I'm saying,

Eva?

Until you resolve your inner violence,

Nonviolence communication is just.

.

.

Fake it until you make it.

Which is better than just spitting your violence all over the place.

It's not the work that we are here to do.

Yes?

Time for Tilopa?

So,

At this point in our meeting,

We are shifting our attention to remind ourselves that relationships,

To begin with,

Is an illusion.

And we encourage our consciousness to recognize oneness as the space we are all a part of.

And we do that using a poem that was sang by a teacher called Tilopa to his beloved disciple,

Niropa.

As always,

I remind you that beyond the meaning in the words,

There is also the intention,

The vibration that these words carry.

It's not only for the intellect.

It's also directly for the heart.

So when you listen to the words,

Allow that vibration to penetrate.

Allow that invitation to open your heart.

So,

Here it goes.

I realize that I'm wearing the same scarf in my Insight Timer pictures.

I'm very recognizable.

You go,

Girl.

Okay.

Chapter 8,

Cut the Root.

The song continues.

Cut the root of a tree and the leaves will wither.

Cut the root of your mind and samsara falls.

The light of any lamp dispels in a moment the darkness of long kalpas.

The strong light of the mind,

In but a flash,

Will burn the veil of ignorance.

Whoever clings to mind sees not the truth of what's beyond the mind.

Whoever strives to practice dharma finds not the truth of beyond practice.

To know what is beyond both mind and practice,

One should cut cleanly through the root of mind and stare naked.

One should thus break away from all distinctions and remain at ease.

So,

Let's see if we can break it into digestible bites.

Tch.

So,

Tilopa is saying,

Cut the root of the tree and the leaves will wither.

Cut the root of the mind and samsara falls.

What does he mean?

Usually,

Our attention is on the small problems.

In the drama of life.

He did that to me,

She said that to me.

I have this,

I don't have that.

Small problems.

And we never truly face the one big problem as Tilopa is pointing to be the mind.

What is the mind?

The mind is that faculty that collects all the information.

And generates a picture that we relate to as our reality.

This is the mind.

A combination of emotions,

Sensations and thoughts.

We don't deal with the mind,

So we don't deal with the bigger problem.

It's like,

He says,

It's like trying to kill a tree by cutting the leaves.

But the tree will just grow new leaves.

We deal with one problem and another problem arises.

And this is endless.

We divorce this person and we marry that person,

But we don't really resolve anything.

So,

What is he suggesting?

Go to the bigger problem.

And that is the relationship you have with your mind.

Once you do that,

It's like cutting the root of the tree.

The tree will not grow anymore.

Hmm?

So beautiful.

And what is the secret about the mind that we are encouraged to recognize?

That is,

No matter how much garbage is collected there.

No matter how many eras of darkness we have experienced through the mind.

The mind is untinted.

Consciousness is always untinted.

It's enough that you just light a small light and darkness disappears.

Hmm?

A small light will chase away the darkness.

You don't need to fight the darkness.

You don't need to resolve issues.

You have to go deep into that knowledge.

It's easily used as a spiritual bypass.

Don't go deep into the root of recognizing what the mind is.

Hmm?

It's just an image.

It's not real.

It's an image of reality.

But it's not real.

Just a small light will chase away the darkness.

That's it.

Add light.

What is light?

Consciousness that is aware of itself.

Hmm?

Once that is lit,

Ignorance disappears.

What is ignorance?

You identifying with whatever is happening on the mind.

That is ignorance.

Generating a story around that.

This is happening to me.

Therefore,

This is what I am,

Who I am.

All that story that you tell yourself about yourself.

That is ignorance.

Based on previous experience.

Hmm?

So,

Just a little light will burn that ignorance.

Chase away that darkness.

Whoever clings to mind,

Sees not the truth of what's beyond the mind.

So,

As long as we are mesmerized by fleeting events,

Which constantly flow through the mind.

As long as we are mesmerized by that,

We cannot see the truth behind the mind.

Hmm?

Like we said last week,

We are so concerned about the clouds,

We don't give a second thought about the sky,

That is hiding behind the clouds.

Same with the mind,

No?

Instead of being so mesmerized by changing events,

Like we did the beginning of this session,

Shifting that attention.

And go back to the observer.

Again and again and again and again.

That's the path to self-realization.

Don't search for an experience to persuade you.

That's a common mistake on the path.

People think they need to experience something unique,

Something specific,

As it's described in some spiritual book that they read,

About what happened to this person and to that person.

And now you have a concept of what should happen to me as well.

And only then,

I can declare myself to be enlightened.

Don't chase experiences.

The secret is not in the mind,

Where experiences are experienced.

It's not in the mind.

Whoever clings to mind,

Sees not the truth of what's beyond the mind.

Whoever strives to practice Dharma,

Finds not the truth of beyond practice.

Yes,

It's not something you need to experience through some sort of practice.

People see it for hours,

Especially on the spiritual path.

Longing for enlightenment.

Believing that it has a specific manifestation.

It's not hiding there at all.

You keep chasing that,

It will keep running away from you,

Like a mirage.

To know what is beyond both mind and practice,

One should cut cleanly through the root of mind and stare naked.

One should thus break any form,

All distinctions and remaineries.

Wow,

It's so powerful.

Cut cleanly and stare naked.

Just sit there and stare naked.

Naked of what?

Naked of any preconceptions.

Naked of any idea about what you are observing.

Naked of any expectation.

Naked of any agenda.

Naked.

Exposed.

Vulnerable.

And remain at ease.

In that most vulnerable,

Innocent state.

Where there is no idea,

No notion to protect you.

No point of reference.

No self-identification.

In that most vulnerable state.

Stay at ease.

So,

Yeah.

Allow that vibration to penetrate.

Allow that invitation.

This is an invitation for gentle observation.

Sit and observe.

Observe the nature of the mind and what is hiding beyond it.

Beyond emotions,

Sensations and thoughts and ideas and opinions.

Don't be discouraged by the fact that you've been mesmerized for decades.

Just a small light can change everything.

What else?

Raza just joined and asked what the teaching is all about.

So next week,

Next Thursday,

We meet at 7.

30 Mountain Time.

You are welcome to come at 7.

30 and get a better understanding of what this is all about.

And the recordings of all the previous meetings,

Including this,

Are available on my Insight Timer page.

And soon it will be also available as a form of a course that you can take.

And we meet again this Saturday at 12 p.

M.

Mountain Time.

In an open Q&A session.

So you're most welcome to join us and we can grow some more together,

What do you say?

So in the meantime,

Good morning,

Good night,

Wherever you are.

Love you very much.