Dealing With Loss And Grief

Join us for this unique opportunity to engage deeply in the journey of conscious evolution. In this session, we'll focus on dealing with loss and Grief. Questions we'll refer to include: “Is there something deeper than the pain I’m feeling?” “Can spiritual practice really help me heal from grief?” If so, how? Do join us, and let's grow together.

Transcript

Hello dear people,

Welcome.

This unique opportunity we give ourselves every week to stop the rush,

Hold hands and walk the path together,

Not just as individuals but also as a united consciousness that is asking and answering and evolving while doing that.

And this is driven by the tension that hides between the question and the answer.

So this is your opportunity to shine,

To share,

To ask anything that is on your mind,

Anything that feels like a burden and that you would like to shed off,

And specifically about dealing with grief and loss.

That's the topic we picked for today's meeting.

And Carly will be here to sound your voice and guide us through this process.

Hi everybody.

So who wants to be the first one to jump into the water today?

Is there anybody here with us today that is here for the first time?

So if it's not your first time,

You already know that you are responsible to what is happening tonight or this morning.

Your questions will determine the pace and the depth of this conversation.

So Daniel says,

Yes,

Dan from Atlanta.

I'm here drawn by the topic of grief and loss.

My son took his life 20 months ago and I'm on the journey.

And share your pain.

Would you like to share some of the conclusions you've been able to gather so far on your journey?

All the unresolved issues that you may encounter on your journey?

It is a pain that I did not think the human could endure.

Being our only son,

Our future is gone too.

It's definitely the most severe pain a parent can experience.

The loss of a child.

Meditation,

Working toward acceptance and learning to live with the grief.

There's a few.

Triggers are daily,

Some days more than others.

It is a constant.

Yeah,

But you know,

We deal with that pain in our own way,

Of course.

There is a saying that everybody griefs differently.

But a few points to point out while we deal with that pain of losing a loved one.

First,

You didn't think a human being is able to experience such pain.

But reality teaches you that a human being is able to experience that pain.

How do you know that?

Because you experience it,

You deal with it.

From personal experience,

You know you are dealing with that pain.

And you are not disappearing,

You are not collapsing.

Of course,

There are ups and downs.

And sometimes it feels as if the pain is too much.

But it's never too much,

Truly.

This is one important thing to remember when we deal with pain of loss.

Or with any extreme experience,

For that matter.

And that is that the experience,

As extreme as it may be,

Is never too much.

It's never beyond our capacity.

It's never really going to overwhelm and destroy us because it's too big,

Too much for us to digest.

That's never the case.

That's a law of nature.

This is something we need to keep reminding ourselves.

If reality is happening and we are invited to experience it,

It's because we can deal with it.

Otherwise,

It wouldn't manifest.

So whatever is happening,

Joyful or painful as it may be,

It's happening because we can deal with it.

This is very important to remember and keep reminding ourselves.

Don't convince yourself it's too much.

It's never too much.

And another important thing,

Daniel,

To remember,

You say something like,

We have no future now because he was our only child.

That's a very strong statement.

And I'm asking you,

When you believe that statement,

You have no future,

How does it make you feel?

Do you feel stronger?

Do you feel more balanced?

Or do you feel more miserable and hopeless?

I have no future.

Working on acceptance stronger,

Knowing there are no grandchildren looking for a new purpose.

It is important that we are careful about the story we choose to believe.

And consciously compare it with what is most important for us.

Do you see what I'm saying?

If the most important thing for you is to remain with a full heart and a willing soul and embracing the opportunity to experience life fully,

With everything it has to offer,

Pleasure or pain,

Then a story that tries to persuade you that you have no future and you're hopeless is not productive at all.

Do you see that?

Unless you want to go all the way with that story,

Meaning,

If you have no future,

Good,

Let go of the idea that future holds the promise for a better life,

For happiness.

Let go of that completely.

Meaning purpose.

Or purpose.

The future will reveal a different purpose which would lead me to whatever,

The promised land,

Would lead me to happiness,

Would lead me to a sense of completion.

Or any other idea you have about what should happen.

If you believe that there is no future,

Then you let go of the future.

Now you are available to experience the present.

Do you see what I'm saying?

If you let go,

The future doesn't hold any hope anymore.

If you are hopeless,

Good,

Go all the way.

If you are desperate,

Be desperate 100%.

Meaning there is nothing else to lose.

You are not holding on to anything.

You are not protecting anything because you have nothing.

So let go.

Completely let go.

Now you are available to be instead of hope.

You are available for life.

Available to experience it when it happens in the present moment.

You know,

People,

Especially on the spiritual path,

People are searching for their purpose.

Which is natural,

You know.

These questions come up as we mature.

Why am I here?

What is the purpose of my existence?

It's a signature for a maturing consciousness.

It's not a problem.

The fact that you ask these questions.

Some people,

You know,

Start asking these questions because of a slap that life inflicted on their face.

You know,

A wake-up slap.

Some people do that naturally because they realize whatever happens in the future,

Whatever they were striving for is an illusion.

Whichever is the reason that triggers these questions,

As long as these questions are there,

It's a sign of maturity.

It's not a problem.

Good.

Ask yourself these questions.

What's the point of all this?

But don't trap yourself to believe that your purpose would be revealed in the future as something else than what is already right now.

A maturing consciousness realizes that the evolution is not characterized by from a broken state to a complete state.

Reality is not broken.

It could be painful.

It could be devastating.

But it's not broken.

And we don't need to fix it.

Do you see the difference?

Evolution is characterized by perfection evolving to a greater state of perfection.

Do you see what I'm saying?

So go!

Find your purpose.

But don't wait until something else happens.

Until some other version of you is born.

Or whatever idea you might have in your head about a different reality better than this one.

That's never the case.

This,

Whatever you have now,

Is as good as it gets.

As good as it gets.

And it only gets better.

Better in the sense of bigger.

What else?

Daniel said two weeks ago I walked on 1100 degree coals did not burn but knew nothing could hurt me as much as losing a child.

Yeah.

Yeah,

It's probably the most painful experience you can have.

But it's not too much.

Signature for maturing consciousness.

I like that and hope my journey brings this.

Yes,

Your words resonate.

Good,

Good,

Good.

Barbara said when I encounter grief it feels like I'm opening a jar inside me that contains all some of my prior grief.

So I grieve those prior griefs too.

Wait,

Wait.

No.

And Marci said Barbara,

I understand.

I feel like I'm grieving all my losses now at the same time.

Terrible physical,

Mental pain and anxiety in addition to nightmares.

Like opening a jar and dealing with all the grief.

Guys,

We have to realize grief is a part of life.

I said on many occasions that the purpose of us being here is to learn how to let go gracefully.

This is a losing game.

Whatever you are holding on to will be taken away.

Guaranteed.

What do you mean this is a losing game?

I'm explaining.

Whatever you are holding on to will be taken away.

Guaranteed.

Life will steal it from you.

It may be relationships.

It may be wealth.

It may be experiences.

The stories that you tell yourself.

Even your own body.

Everything will be taken away.

Guaranteed.

So either you scream and scratch preventing that or postponing the inevitable.

Not preventing.

Postponing the inevitable.

Oh,

You are the giver.

You give it away.

You let go.

What is more graceful?

You trying desperately to hold on to what is by definition temporary.

This is the source of suffering according to the Buddha.

Trying to maintain an illusion of stability by holding on to what is by nature changing all the time.

Unstable.

How can you create stability if you hold on to unstable events and situations?

The secret is not there.

This is a losing game.

Everything you hold on to will be taken away.

Your own identity.

The story that you tell yourself about yourself will be taken away.

Guaranteed.

Everything you build your story on.

Your role in life.

Your relationships.

Your house.

Your car.

Bank account.

All the things that define you.

All this will be taken away.

Guaranteed.

What will you be without all those defining concepts?

And when are you going to figure that out?

Are you going to wait for them to be taken away before you figure that out?

Or would you like to be the one that is happily involved in that process of letting go?

That will eventually reveal your true nature which is undefined by anything that is happening outside of you.

Even your own identity.

Even the relationship that you have with grief and loss.

Who am I?

I am a widower.

That's who I am.

You know those people that lost their partners 30-40 years ago?

That's the label.

I am a widower.

That's what defines me.

This is who I am.

Or I am an orphan.

Loss is my identity card.

That's what defines me.

Really?

Is it?

What would you be without that story?

I am the sum of all that I lost?

Is that true?

Yeah.

What kind of a person can manifest from that kind of identity?

I have the song of Leonard Cohen in my head now.

Tell the people I was only passing through.

What else?

Barbara says Yes,

From the perspective of eternity I meet grief differently.

Until I forget,

Then I remember again.

Somebody is listening.

And Marcy says I miss my parents and so many amazing people.

I miss my health.

I miss my love life,

Career.

It hurts,

But it becomes too much.

So go from severe pain to numb.

But I'm still hopeful and working on it.

Marcy,

It's important to realize how your attention generates a reality for you.

Not just you.

Every one of us.

But since you asked.

Your attention creates your reality.

What you put your attention on that grows and fills the space of your mind.

If you put your attention on what you don't have then the sense of lack expands.

Do you see that?

What kind of reality can manifest from a sense of lack?

Are you helping yourself on the journey to an open heart and a willing soul?

Or being counterproductive to that journey?

Your attention is a very strong instrument.

Be very careful.

Where do you put your attention?

Are you looking on the empty cup?

All the time?

Missing people,

Missing situation,

Missing health,

Missing,

Missing,

Missing,

Missing.

Or are you putting your attention on the half cup that is full?

Blessing all the things that you do have.

And without knowing you personally I can tell you,

You still have the most important thing a human being can wish for and that is an aware consciousness that lives in a physical body.

This you do have.

How appreciative are you for that?

With all the limitations,

Physical,

Emotional limitations that you may experience you still have a body and you can still experience life through that body.

Yes?

Not as much loose and carefree as you may have in your twenties.

So what?

Your body,

Our body is heading in one way there is no other way around it.

It takes 60,

70,

80,

90 years.

Our body is definitely on decline.

There is no other way around it.

Consciousness,

On the other hand can move in the opposite direction.

How much are you contributing to the evolution of your own consciousness?

Cynthia says,

I feel the same,

Marci.

I miss my parents so much.

Just lost my dad four weeks ago.

Jeevan Mukta says,

How to deal with the guilt and shame that can accompany loss intensely?

Guilt is based on the idea that reality was not supposed to happen as it did.

You see?

There is a gap between what happened and what you believe should have happened.

And the details you can feel but the gap is there.

You know?

Reality is a mistake.

It was not supposed to be like that.

If it would be different or let's say if it would have been different then reality would be much better and I would suffer less or even I would be able to be happy.

But unfortunately that mistake happened and now I'm a victim of circumstances.

This is guilt.

It's all my fault.

It shouldn't have happened like that.

Or it's all your fault.

I blame.

Guilt and blame is the exact same thing just the opposite direction.

Instead of pointing at you I'm pointing at me.

So what to do with guilt?

Let go of the idea that reality was not supposed to happen as it did.

It's not a mistake.

There is a talk on my Insight Timer page a whole hour dedicated to this question Can God make mistakes?

I encourage you to go and listen to it.

Can God make mistakes?

If you let go of the idea that reality is confused and you know better there is no room for guilt.

Guilt will drop.

Don't worry about guilt.

Don't try to find who to blame who to punish.

Guilt will just drop.

Guaranteed.

Deal with the gap.

That's the secret.

And if you want to learn how to close the gap there is a whole talk about how to stop suffering once and for all.

Find it.

Listen to it.

And shame What is shame?

Self punishment.

Don't look at me.

I'm hideous.

What is shame?

What are you ashamed of?

Shame is a sure sign of lack of self-awareness.

If you know who you are how can you be ashamed of that?

You are a glorious perfect manifestation of divinity.

How can that be shameful?

Shame is just another way of the ego to preserve the illusion of itself.

It doesn't matter if the ego persuades you that you are great or the ego persuades you that you are terrible.

In both ways the ego works to preserve the illusion of itself.

So add self-knowledge.

Know who you are.

Shame will drop.

Syl is saying I see now how I can break free out of my think system repeating something as loss that in a natural way had to change.

Yeah.

This is a losing game.

We came here to learn how to gracefully let go.

Everything will be taken away from us.

Guaranteed.

The exact sequence is yet to be revealed.

But eventually everything will be taken away.

How do you want to deal with that existential fact?

Screaming and scratching?

Postponing the inevitable?

Oh,

You be the giver.

You be the giver.

You be generous enough to let go and say this is yours.

It was never mine to begin with.

Thy will be done.

I'm just passing through.

What are you saying?

There are cultures that practice that.

Indigenous cultures that usually the wealthy of the tribe collects all their worldly possessions and has a ceremony of giving them away.

It has a name that I'm forgetting.

There's also,

Now that you mentioned it,

There is the Tibetan book of the living and the dead.

Something like that.

I don't know the exact translation.

I think it's like the Tibetan book of life and death or something like that.

It basically describes how the Tibetan Buddhism encouraged the disciples to walk with death like a shadow.

Anything you do,

Anything you're involved in is referring to the ongoing knowing of your temporary existence.

And you'll see how it just affects everything.

All your decisions,

All your perspectives,

All your holding on to,

All your fears,

All your suffering is colored in a different light when you remember how temporary your existence here is.

Or just remind yourself.

I'm here for such a short period of time.

Not a blip.

How do I choose to accept this opportunity?

Sue says,

Feel so narrow-minded.

That's the first step out of narrow-mindedness.

Don't criticize.

Don't judge yourself.

No need for that.

Just know,

Oh,

This is much bigger than what I've seen.

Much,

Much bigger.

Much bigger than what I can imagine.

Wow,

This is so exciting.

Andy says,

Love this message resonates very much.

Gracefully let go.

It is so hard to not let the anxiety of knowing everything will be taken away to seep into day-to-day living though.

Yeah.

Be with that knowing.

No need to be anxious about what is inevitable.

It's gonna happen.

Nothing to do.

I guess if you didn't have that knowledge that everything is lost,

You know,

We all know that we are born and we die.

Somehow we suppress it,

Right?

Yeah,

But if we didn't have that knowledge,

If you were just blindly moving along the path,

Would you be able to take the opportunity to take everything in?

It's almost like that knowledge is needed in order to soak up every possible moment and experience.

Yeah,

It's a good question.

Of course,

There will be no answer to that question because we don't really know what an animal thinks,

For example.

You know,

Animal is just driven by reflexes and instincts.

It has no conscious awareness like human does.

It definitely is not aware of the fact that it's here for a certain period of time and it shouldn't experience life fully,

But they do experience life in their own way.

You have the blessing slash curse that you came to this world with.

You have conscious awareness.

Now,

What do you choose to do with that?

That's a given.

You have it.

What do you want to do with it?

Jiran Mukta is asking,

How does one come to know oneself?

The fact that you asked this question is so beautiful.

I tell you,

This is the most important question you can ask yourself.

Don't give up on that question.

Keep on asking,

Even if life suggests a thousand and one distractions on your path.

Keep relying on that question.

I want to know who I am.

I want it more than anything else.

This is at the top of my priorities.

Keep digging,

Using this question.

Eventually,

You will reach the water.

And realize it's not about the answer.

It's about you.

Keep digging.

How to do it?

Seva,

Satsang,

Sadhana,

Sadguru.

All was already explained many times.

Go back to my previous talks.

I don't want to repeat myself.

What else?

Why not?

There's so much already recorded,

No?

You just go and listen to it.

The four pillars.

Look for the four pillars of truth.

Seva,

Satsang,

Sadhana,

Sadguru.

S is saying,

It is good to remind ourselves daily.

I am caring for my mom.

Hardest thing I've ever done.

But every time I put her to bed,

I remind myself she will be gone and it could be in the middle of the night.

It makes me a better self-caregiver.

Beautiful.

How precious every moment is.

Usually taken for granted.

There is a talk,

Finding Divinity in the Mundane.

Look for it in my Insight Timer page.

A whole hour,

Just about that.

Finding Divinity in the Mundane.

What else?

Andy's saying,

Thank you.

That was a bit of a light bulb moment.

If we didn't have that knowledge,

Nothing lasts.

We wouldn't know how amazing and precious life is.

Yeah.

Andy went through that with his dad last year.

Was a caregiver before he died.

Yeah.

So beautiful that we can be there for our loved ones and hold their hands as they depart.

Daniel says,

Your words have reinforced the path I'm on.

Give to others.

Be grateful that I can end now we leave with the love we have experienced.

Yeah.

So beautiful.

So beautiful.

Use that opportunity life gives you.

Dealing with loss.

Dealing with grief.

Use that to remind yourself how precious life is.

Instead of victimizing yourself against circumstances and events.

Remind yourself how precious every moment is.

It's up to you.

What do you want to focus on?

The empty or the fullness?

Emptiness or fullness?

Yes.

Where you put your attention that grows and generates a reality for you.

Be very careful what you put your attention on.

Yeah.

Pain is a part of it.

Inevitable.

Life can be painful.

How do I know?

Because they are.

Sometimes.

And when pain comes,

You feel the pain.

You don't convince yourself it's too much.

It's never too much.

And then pain goes away.

How do I know?

Because sometimes life is pleasurable as well.

Pleasure and pain are one and the same.

Sometimes you're happy.

Sometimes you're sad.

Sometimes you're hopeless.

Sometimes you're in awe.

Isn't it?

There's only one thing that doesn't change.

Never changes.

It's only one thing that stays and remains exactly the same.

That never journey anywhere.

That stays in the original point all the time.

And that is you.

Behind all the stories,

All the experiences,

All the worldly interaction,

There is you.

You that never changed and can never be changed.

And if you want to experience that,

Not just listen to my words,

There is a guided meditation called Me and My Story.

Go there.

Practice it.

Again and again.

And it will translate into a direct experience for you.

What do you say?

Enough for today?

No?

Thank you for coming,

Dear people.

We're going to meet again this Thursday at 7.

30 Mountain Time.

And next Saturday and the Saturday after are different times.

Yeah,

So be careful to watch the schedule.

This Thursday is the last meeting we're going to have in the series that we discussed graceful relationships.

So don't miss it.

It's your last chance.

And have a great weekend.

Thank you for your time,

Your questions.

Thank you for your donations.

See you again soon.

Bye-bye.