Hey everyone,
It's Terry here and just thank you for being here today because I want to talk about something that I know many of us are gonna have experienced as parents,
Which is what to do when your child shuts you out.
And first of all,
I want to start by saying I get it.
Parenting teens can sometimes feel just like navigating a minefield.
Like one wrong step and there's an explosion and other times it feels like wading through treacle or endlessly frustrating.
We're trying so hard to connect and yet they seem determined to pull away from us.
When our kids start shutting us out,
It can really leave us feeling confused and hurt.
And we might think,
Hey what happened?
We used to be so close.
We find ourselves trying to use the same old strategies that work when they were younger,
Only to discover very quickly that they just don't work anymore.
In fact,
They might even be making things worse,
Leading to standoffs or those emotional walls just getting higher and higher.
And let's be honest,
Teenagers just have an uncanny ability to press all the wrong buttons with us.
It can feel like they're doing it on purpose sometimes and the gap between us just can start to get impossibly wide,
Or at least feel that way.
I know many parents fear that this gap is going to turn into a permanent divide and an abyss,
If you like.
And that's a really scary thought.
Now as a coach,
I've seen this play out in so many families.
So parents desperately want to connect with their teenagers,
Their young people,
But the way they're trying to do it,
Whether through discipline,
Control,
Or trying to fix things,
Often just pushes their kids even further away.
And there's no judgment here.
I've been there myself.
I'm still very much a work in progress.
I didn't even realize I was part of the problem until someone pointed it out to me.
But you see,
As parents,
We're very often caught in this tricky place.
On one hand,
We want our kids to grow into independent,
Confident adults.
And on the other hand,
We feel the need to step in when they challenge our authority or push our boundaries.
And it's a tough balancing act.
And when teenagers challenge us,
Sometimes loudly,
It can feel personal.
But here's what I've learned.
The solution isn't in more control.
And it certainly isn't in winning the arguments.
It is in creating an environment where connection and autonomy can coexist.
So where our kids can grow into themselves without losing their connection to us.
Well,
That sounds idyllic,
Doesn't it?
So let's just talk for a moment about those moments when teens lash out.
Maybe they're using words that feel hurtful,
Or they're withdrawing completely.
It's so easy to get stuck on the surface of their behavior to focus on what they're saying or doing in the moment.
But often those words and actions are less about us and more about them expressing something deeper,
Usually feelings of being misunderstood.
And if we only respond to the words,
We miss the message.
And when we react defensively or punitively,
We risk cutting off communication entirely.
So instead,
What if we got curious?
What if we paused,
Took a breath,
And just asked ourselves,
What's really going on here?
What is my child trying to tell me?
So I just want to share a quick story.
I worked with a young man who was 18 years old and refusing to do his coursework.
His parents thought he was lazy,
Rebellious.
But when he and I got to talking,
He shared with me that he was deeply insecure about his abilities.
He was terrified of failing.
So he avoided trying.
He didn't want to disappoint his parents.
And they hadn't uncovered this because their dynamic was stuck in a cycle of frustration and reaction.
So that's why curiosity is so important.
It's about looking beyond the behavior to the need that's driving it.
When we do that,
We can begin to address the root cause instead of just the symptoms.
And there's a common belief that teenagers pulling away from their parents is apparently just a natural part of growing up.
But that is simply not true.
Yes,
Our kids need space to develop their independence,
But that doesn't mean they need to shut us out completely.
There's actually a balance to be found,
One where they get to express themselves and explore their individuality,
Whilst also staying connected to us.
And here's the key.
Our role as parents needs to shift.
It's less about controlling their behavior and more about supporting them as they navigate the challenges.
When we create a safe space for them to share,
Without fear of judgment or punishment,
We become their allies,
Not their adversaries.
And this also brings something else.
I also want to acknowledge something important because many of the behaviors we struggle with in our children stem from unmet needs,
Either theirs or sometimes ours.
It's not always easy to admit that,
But actually,
Our own emotional baggage can influence how we react as parents.
And it does.
And I know that this is going to be resonating.
It certainly did with me.
It was hard to swallow,
But I had to listen.
And that's why it's so valuable to ask,
Why is this behavior happening?
What need is my child trying to express?
Even a behavior like stealing,
Which might feel like outright defiance,
Could be a desperate attempt to manage stress or avoid conflict.
And when we misjudge our kids' actions,
We risk creating deeper disconnection.
And I want you,
Throughout all of this,
To continue bringing the question,
What's coming up for me?
What's happening for me?
If you're noticing that reactivity emerge and bubble up within you,
What's coming up for you?
Many of us just default to parenting styles we've inherited.
Styles that focused on control,
Not listening.
Not just having to listen to our children,
Though,
But listening to ourselves.
What's coming up for me?
We don't have to repeat those patterns of old,
Those parenting styles we inherited.
We can break the cycle.
We get to break the cycle now,
Just by meeting our kids with that empathy and curiosity.
I'm not saying that we throw out boundaries completely.
Clear,
Respectful boundaries are still so important.
They help kids understand limits and learn responsibility,
While respecting,
At the same time,
Their independence.
Because children,
Young people,
Teenagers,
They feel safer with our boundaries intact.
And it's a delicate balance,
But it's definitely one that's worth thinking and striving for.
So,
When your child shuts you out,
Here's what I would encourage you to do.
Number one,
Be curious.
Instead of reacting,
Just take a moment to ask what's really going on here.
And number two,
Listen.
Give your child the space to express themselves,
Even if what they're saying is hard to hear.
By staying curious and open,
We parents can turn these moments of disconnection into opportunities for growth and connection.
It's not always easy,
But I promise you,
It is always worth it.
So,
Thank you for listening to me.
Goodbye.
