How To Understand And Soften Fear Of Abandonment

Abandonment - the word that a lot of us relate to, have a relationship with or have a story about. This talk begins to look at that; where does it originate, what story we have or tell ourselves about it, and ultimately how to address and integrate it.

Please note: This track may include some explicit language.

Transcript

Hello,

Good morning,

Good afternoon,

Good evening,

Wherever you may be,

Wherever you may be doing,

Hello.

I wanted to talk today about almost a continuation from my last podcast around resistance.

And I was listening to something today.

And you know,

The Robert Frost quote came up,

And it reminded me of something and the quote is,

In order to get around something,

You have to go through it.

That really struck a chord and struck a chord with me in probably a number of ways.

The one which was relevant and prevalent for me today was just around,

And it's linked to abandonment.

And you know,

Abandonment is something that we speak a lot about,

We hear about.

And speaking purely for self,

Perhaps it might resonate with some of you out there.

The earliest form of abandonment that we actually have isn't really from somebody else.

It's from ourselves.

And it's from ourselves largely in the space,

In fact,

That we have a fear around sitting with discomfort.

And that fear of sitting with discomfort,

That fear of truly feeling our emotions stops us from healing.

And that's largely what enables abandonment.

We're abandoning ourselves in that situation,

In that moment in time.

And if we look at it from the perspective of a third party,

Whether we want to look at our inner child,

Our partner,

Our friend,

A parent,

A sibling,

In their moment of need,

If they come to you,

They knock on your door,

They send you a message,

They call you up on the phone,

Or they ask you for coffee,

And they say,

Hey,

I've got an issue.

I need to talk to you about this.

There's some level of discomfort within me.

I need you right now.

You essentially have a couple of choices.

You can show up and be there for them,

And listen,

And take on board and respond in that space from that energy field,

Or you can say no.

And in saying that no,

You're essentially abandoning them.

Now if we bring that back to self,

And we look at our inner child asking us for help in that moment in time,

Asking us for support to show up and to walk with them through that discomfort.

If we then elicit a coping mechanism,

Whether that be drink,

Drugs,

Sex,

TV,

Food,

Exercise,

Whatever it may be,

That's abandoning self.

For me,

In there lieth a lot of things.

When we go through a difficult patch,

We typically do engage those coping mechanisms to distract us from feeling,

To stop us from showing up for ourselves.

And interestingly enough,

The irony of all of it is that in so doing that,

We prolong the pain.

It's just like,

If we look at it as a broken limb,

Yeah,

You can push it out and brave it out.

And,

You know,

Yeah,

I've got a broken arm,

I'm not gonna go to the doctor,

I'm not gonna get it set.

Yeah,

You know what,

It'll fuse,

It'll mend itself,

But not correctly.

And that pain that you feel on day one will continue till day 70,

Day 80,

Day 90,

If not longer.

However,

If on day two,

Day three,

We go to the doctor and we say,

Hey,

We've got a broken arm and you get an x-ray and it gets set properly and gets put in plaster,

Yeah,

You know,

Day four and five,

There's pain there as it was set in that moment in time when,

You know,

The doctor does what they need to do to put it back into place,

Man,

There's pain,

But it's short lived.

And I would imagine,

I obviously can't speak,

You know,

It's that pain,

Physical pain that a woman possibly feels during childbirth and that pain subsides and from my understanding and from what I hear,

That actual physical pain,

Some people don't remember it.

And so when that limb is set and the plaster is placed around it,

You begin to heal properly.

And yeah,

You know,

There's some discomfort,

There's the itchiness underneath the plaster and you've got to get a straw or whatever to just kind of alleviate that irritation.

However,

After the six weeks or however long it is,

And you go to the doctor and they cut off the plaster,

Your arm,

Your limb is healed and fine,

You know,

There might be some discoloration and it might not necessarily be as strong as the other one or as strong as it used to be.

However,

With time,

That comes back.

And I think that analogy is really what we're talking about,

What I'm talking about in terms of the journey,

Going back to what Robert Frost was saying,

The only way around something is through it.

We've got to deal with that pain,

Accept that pain at that moment,

Whether it's a breakup,

Whether it's a loss of whatever the loss may be,

It's a fear,

It's a concern,

Facing and feeling that pain right there and then,

And I won't even use the word pain,

Feeling that energy right there and then,

And sitting with it,

Letting it flow over yourself.

That moment of discomfort,

Not abandoning yourself.

That moment of discomfort,

Sitting and showing up and being there for yourself and doing that every time.

And initially,

It'll be difficult.

It'll be painful.

However,

As you begin to heal,

The amount of time that you need to sit in that discomfort dissipates until you get to the point where the cast gets taken off.

And you look back and you're like,

Huh,

I just realized I haven't thought about that person.

I haven't thought about that thing.

I haven't worried about that thing in a very long time.

And from there,

You can start to regain that strength in that limb,

Exercise it,

Mental exercise,

Being there for yourself,

Honoring yourself,

Strengthening yourself.

And that,

For me,

My belief,

Is the work.

Because the truth is,

The sun will set,

The moon will rise,

The moon will set,

And the sun will come up again the next day.

You know,

I have a phrase,

Which I kind of speak to myself in those moments,

And it goes,

Today's I can't remembers were yesterday's worries.

And I want to just sit and think about that for a minute.

Because yesterday,

I can guarantee you,

There were 10,

20,

30,

100 worries and concerns that you had.

But today,

You can't remember them.

So are they really that important?

Do you really need to hold on to them throughout your day?

So what I'd like you to remember and try and do is just sit and remember that.

When you have a feeling of discomfort,

Stop,

Remember,

This is your opportunity to show up for yourself.

This is your opportunity to stop abandoning yourself,

To break the cycle of abandonment,

Which essentially always has been rooted in us.

This is your opportunity to show yourself that you are enough.

And to help you through that,

Just say to yourself,

Today's I can't remembers were yesterday's worries.

Thank you.

Reviews

For me that was a wow! Thank you for the reminder. 💕

Thank you for sharing this beautiful work ⭐️thank you for guiding my morning reflection ❤️

This message reiterates the Buddhist message that we must accept suffering and in doing so move through it.

This was probably one of the most helpful talks I've encountered regarding fear of abandonment. Thank you so much!

I like the idea of imaging how you would respond to a friend in need and then of turning that to apply to yourself- helpful! Thank you for this talk 💐☀️

I’m a greatful humble Christian actor singer with kindness courage and purpose to inspire people and bring people together amen and so it shall be

POWERFUL 🙏🏼thank you so much your teaching has helped me see myself more clear & not run from myself, my present self and my inner child so grateful for you
Namaste , Dayna

This was fantastic Tariro. Abandonment is my core wound & I’ve had much healing around it.

I resonated with this talk in so many ways. Thank you Tariro!

Such a powerful talk and so in tune with so many challenges out there within us! Sincere and clear instructions of how to grow through and heal an internal wound of the child within us!