Tips For Receiving Feedback

When we receive feedback we are learning about the impact that we have had on others. Feedback can surprise us when our impact doesn't match our intention. How do we process feedback so that we can learn from it and grow personally and professionally? It is ethical to be responsible for the impact that we have on others so that we can become more aware of how we engage. Knowing how to receive feedback helps us to be constructive and kind instead of being dismissive or (self)destructive. Using these tips for receiving feedback helps us operate from our human heart and to use our capacity to influence in a better way.

Transcript

Welcome,

My name is Jack O'Keefe and I'm going to share some lessons that I've learned around how to receive feedback.

Receiving feedback,

Well it's easy when somebody says you've transformed my life,

What you've said really helped me or I couldn't have done without your advice.

Yes,

Beautiful feedback and we all like to receive that.

But what about when negative feedback comes our way?

For me,

I've studied it a little bit and found ways that really work for me on a practical level when feedback that's not so favourable is coming my way.

Feedback is really important for us to receive because it tells us the difference between our intention when we say or do something and the impact that our words and actions have on somebody else.

Our intention might be pure,

We don't usually set out to hurt anybody in any given day in any given day,

But the impact that we have on others might completely surprise us and it's important that we know and take responsibility for the impact that we have on others so that we can become more aware of how we engage with others,

So that we can connect through shared humanness.

Be constructive over destructive and operate more from the heart,

From a loving centred place,

Using our capacity to influence in a better way.

We need feedback,

We need to know how we impact others so that we can course correct,

So we can grow and gain insights into maybe parts of our personality that we haven't seen yet.

Exploring negative feedback can be a wonderful opportunity,

So how do we move from a place of not liking it to welcoming it?

We receive feedback when someone expresses their feelings and needs in order to communicate the impact we've had on them.

It can be as simple as you're driving and somebody beeps a car horn at you,

That's feedback.

You might see the driver who beeped their car horn and their face might be pretty angry,

Their feelings are being expressed.

Whatever they need you to recognise about how you impacted them,

They want you to know that too.

And from a simple thing like honking a car horn,

It's still negative feedback when you receive a review where someone experienced hurt by something you said while you were in your professional role.

The first thing to look at is what feelings and needs do we have inside ourselves when we're receiving feedback.

We all have a need for harmonious relationships.

We share a need for approval and a sense of belonging because these things help us feel safe.

What are our feelings and needs that we experience when somebody gives us negative feedback?

Can you name from past experiences how it feels for you?

There are two aspects to receiving uncomfortable feedback.

What is shared and how it's shared because both the content and the methodology can create impact.

Content might offer an opportunity for inner growth but it can get lost if it is communicated in an unkind or abusive way.

How it's shared with you,

The words that are used will have an impact.

If you have been given feedback that was shared unskillfully you will have an appreciation that it's harder to identify useful content when it comes in unkind or offensive packaging.

This is why it is important that we pay attention to how we share feedback.

Being skillful in how we communicate reduces conflict in our lives.

We need to be kind when giving and receiving feedback so that the content of our words are heard.

Communication,

It's a two-way street.

When we receive feedback,

The tone,

Words and pace of communication can all impact our nervous system.

What's important right now is to try and identify what happens for you.

When you get hard to hear or read feedback,

What happens?

Can you remember the last time you got critical feedback?

How did your body respond?

Did you dismiss the person?

Do you sometimes say,

Oh they don't know what they're talking about?

Or I'm not concerned about that review,

Other people have positive opinions of me and they understand me better.

I'll take in what I want and I'll leave the rest.

Or do you ignore it altogether because you want to avoid engaging with it?

Does it put you into overwhelm to read or hear negative feedback?

Do you dwell on negative feedback and use it to be critical and hurtful towards yourself?

Does it trigger anxiety?

Does it make you feel shame?

My habitual response to negative feedback depends on whether the person giving the feedback wants only to be heard or wants to engage in an open heart conversation.

I use my intuition to discern if they are open to helping me see a possible blind spot,

If they want resolution and if they do,

I'm deeply appreciative to have help exploring where I can do better.

When someone wants only to be heard,

Then I have to take it for a walk and think about it and process more slowly,

Usually with either a therapist or a peer.

I'm committed to taking care of my own feelings and needs and I have a secret wish that we could connect with each other with kindness and always leave space for each other's vulnerabilities.

And that's my bias and I'm working on allowing each person to present their feelings and needs as they do.

Can you identify what your habitual response is?

My goal is to be calm with all feedback.

I want to be able to hear it or read it and be fully present to myself and to the other person.

And if I'm given the space,

I want to respond from a place of love and integrity within myself.

So sometimes I can be in my heart when feedback comes and sometimes I can't.

What is your go-to response when critical feedback is given to you?

It's really useful to know this about yourself.

Because then,

With awareness,

You can deal with needs that arise within you in that moment.

I've heard people tell me,

No,

I don't like feedback.

And no,

I will shoot back a professional response that has an FU energy going with it.

Or I dismiss the person and tell them how they have misunderstood me.

My intention was not to hurt them,

So if they get hurt,

That's on them.

Or I avoid feedback at all costs.

I'm not interested in it.

Do you see yourself in any of these responses?

If you push away feedback or invalidate the giver of feedback,

Please have self-compassion and sit with that part of yourself that is your protector,

Your beautiful and loyal protector.

Your protector senses that another person's negative feedback towards you is cause for concern,

Is unsafe,

And reactions arise to dismiss what's perceived as dangerous.

Will you consider that somebody else's feedback is not dangerous?

Feedback is,

After all,

Their opinions,

As an expression of their needs and their feelings.

They're expressing what they believe you should hear.

They want their voice to be heard.

We can react to critical feedback with sentences like,

I don't want to be treated this way.

I was misjudged.

Someone gave me feedback and they don't get me at all.

It's just their stuff.

And these responses,

In fact,

Might or might not be true.

Not all feedback is true.

Not all feedback is true.

Lots of projections can come our way when we are in a leadership role.

What I do is,

Well,

I let it all in.

And let's say everything they've said is true.

That's my first approach.

I let it all in.

It's true for them,

So let's see if it's really true.

My next step is,

When I ask myself internally,

What part of myself are they teaching me about myself?

What are they highlighting that I don't see in me yet?

And this helps me to welcome every comment,

So that I can discover what's been in my shadow.

It helps me to bring to light something that maybe I haven't seen yet.

And as I'm working with this,

Usually over days,

Sometimes weeks,

I take what I can work with and I let the rest go.

And I thank them for their feedback.

And I thank them for their feedback.

When somebody else's needs,

When their feedback comes to us too fast,

Too strong,

Or unexpectedly,

It can feel habitual,

Even normal,

That our nervous system kicks in to protect us.

When the needs of others overwhelm us,

We get an inner signal that we've got to take care of our own needs.

And this is something we can bring awareness to,

In order to approach feedback scenarios in a wholesome,

Heartfelt way,

Even when they are delivered without skill or thoughtfulness.

You are safe.

You are always safe.

Look around you right now.

Are you safe right now?

Your mind might imagine that you're not safe.

Be present right now.

Are you safe?

If so,

Then let that knowing drop into your body and let yourself feel safe.

Change to this pattern comes when we spend time letting our body feel and enjoy safety.

When information about the impact that you've had on somebody else is shared with you,

You are still safe.

Your feelings and needs are your responsibility.

And feedback is about someone else's feelings and needs.

You need to be able to receive it,

Because we need to know how to We can feel threatened easily when we're not taking care of our own feelings and needs,

Or if we avoid or deny them.

Our unmet feelings and needs show up in our nervous system.

We can feel threatened easily when we're not taking care of our own feelings and needs,

Or if we avoid or deny them.

Our unmet feelings and needs show up in our nervous system,

Where our vulnerabilities lie.

Life is more harsh when we don't befriend our feelings and needs,

Because our heart center is not open.

When we are able to receive negative feedback,

We are respecting the autonomy of the one who's giving feedback.

We're expressing respect for their intention,

For their actions,

For their feelings and needs.

And if you are in a position of spiritual leadership or teaching in any capacity,

Like me,

Perhaps you want to create leaders that are autonomous,

Independent,

Thinking adults.

I don't want to create dependents who need me,

Who bow down to me,

Revere me more than they revere themselves.

There isn't enough equity for me in that dynamic.

And so meeting other people's feelings and needs with the respect with which I meet my own feelings and needs helps me to influence the next wave of leaders to be human-centered and compassionate.

Because receiving feedback opens a channel of communication,

I have found that it saves time,

Because it helps me to know the impact I'm having on others,

So that I can track that impact.

And I can watch more carefully what I'm saying and what I'm doing.

I can course correct.

Are my offerings lending with the person I'm communicating with in the way that I want it to?

I can't assume to know that without hearing from them,

Without receiving their feedback.

When I find feedback is hard to take in,

I seek support.

I ask a colleague to hear me out as I share the feedback with them,

Or I go to a therapist,

Or I talk to a wise friend and say,

Okay,

What am I missing here?

Help me to see if this feedback is showing me something.

When I can't see any gems in the feedback,

It can be because I'm not able to hold my own vulnerability and be objective at the same time.

It's like I'm too close to it.

So I need support at that time,

And I have people in my life that offer that to me.

I prioritize that support.

I need it.

This kind of peer support is very important for spiritual leaders.

None of us is an island.

Our human race wasn't designed to operate without spaces for our vulnerabilities.

Feedback comes in so many ways every day.

I hope you can welcome feedback,

Feedback comes in so many ways every day.

I hope you can welcome feedback,

Whether it's positive or negative.

And I'd like you to have your heart a little more available to yourself for your own feelings and needs,

So that you request and look forward to hearing feedback about you and how you impact those whom you serve.

If you're taking care of your feelings and needs,

You will be better prepared to take on board the feelings and needs from others who are impacted by your presence in the world.

Feedback helps us to self-reflect,

Self-correct,

And let go of what no longer works for us.

Thank you for your time.

Catch you down river.