Part I : Be Impeccable With Your Word

*Live Lovestream Recording

The Four Agreements was a pivotal teacher early in my journey of self-discovery. This book offers simple, yet powerful, guidance for living with clarity and integrity. It's teachings deepen even further when seen through the lens of the Buddha Dharma. In this talk we'll explore how being impeccable with our word aligns with the Buddha's teachings on right speech and compassion. Together, we'll look at how these agreements support us in everyday moments - relationships, work, self-talk, and inner conflict - turning ordinary life into a path of awakening.

Transcript

Our talk today is Four Agreements,

One Path.

And it's how the Four Agreements,

Which we're going to start today with the first one,

Be impeccable with your words,

Are directly aligned with the Buddha's teaching.

They're directly aligned.

The only difference,

The Buddha said it in his way 2,

600 years ago,

And Don Miguel Ruiz,

Who wrote the Four Agreements,

Said it his way a few decades ago,

30 years ago or so.

So I want to help us have a little bit of a guidance,

Some tools in our toolbox.

It's always good to have a toolbox so that we can have some support in knowing when am I being impeccable with my word and when am I not being impeccable with my word.

I'm having tongue twister words right now.

So the Buddha offered us four questions,

Four questions that he asks us to pause and to use these four simple questions to help us gauge am I being impeccable with my word or not.

Remember,

For those of you that just joined,

Impeccable comes from the Latin.

Im means without and peccato in Latin means sin.

So without sin or without harm.

We want to use language that is without harm,

Inner language in our own thoughts and outer language.

So here are the four very simple questions that the Buddha offers us in order to support us in having right speech so that we can be impeccable with our words.

Again,

We're always talking about inside of our minds and outer words that we're speaking.

So here's the first one.

Is it true?

Is it true?

Are these words true?

Is this belief that you're believing true?

Second question that the Buddha offers us,

Pause and ask,

Is it kind?

Is what you're speaking to yourself or to others kind?

Is it coming from a kind space?

Number three,

Is it necessary?

Is what you're saying to yourself or others actually necessary to be said?

Am I saying it just to hear myself talk or am I saying it because I do believe that I need you to hear this?

Is it necessary?

And the fourth simple question that the Buddha is inviting us into in order to have right speech,

In order to be impeccable with our words is,

Is this the right moment?

Is it timely?

Is this the right moment to speak this?

So thank you so much,

Dear Buddha.

Thank you so much for these questions,

These four simple questions that guide us to use right speech,

To be impeccable with our words,

To speak without harming ourselves and others.

Our words create our reality.

Our words have power,

Creative power.

Think about books that you read.

Think about movies.

Thinks about.

Think about movies.

Sometimes the tongue is faster than the brain.

Think about music and songs.

How powerful words are in our lives and the thousands of words that we speak every day in our own thoughts,

Internally and outward.

So basically what the Buddha is offering us,

This little four question compass,

Is to really think about why am I speaking and am I speaking truthfully,

Kindly and consciously?

That's what these four questions guide us to.

Is it true?

Is it kind?

Is it necessary and is it timely?

Because any speech that's coming,

For example,

From fear or reactivity is going to create suffering.

It's going to create more fear and reactivity.

Any speech that is coming from caring,

Compassion,

Loving kindness is going to create more love.

So my friends,

Before the word leaves our mouth,

It's already formed in our mind and so much suffering is created for our own selves and others by careless speech,

By just blabbing away.

So in addition,

We also have the support of knowing four types of speech that is not right speech.

So we want to know what is being impeccable with our word and what is being not impeccable with our word.

So the first one is lying.

When we lie,

We are not impeccable with our word.

And lying is so important that it's one of the precepts when you become ordained as a monk in the Buddhist tradition.

You must take the vow of not lying.

Lying can create a lot of harm.

And I'm not just talking about lying to someone else because we're often projecting outwardly.

I'm talking about lying to ourselves.

How honest are you with yourself?

The path of awakening often begins with radical honesty.

How honest am I with myself?

Number two,

Speaking harshly.

When we speak harshly to ourselves or others,

We can do a lot of harm.

And we've all done that.

We've all spoken harshly.

That's okay.

We're going to talk about what do we do if a lie is discovered or speaking harshly happens.

What do we do?

Because we're not perfect.

We're human.

And humans are messy.

So we don't want to lie if our intention is right speech,

If our intention is to be impeccable with our words,

In our own thoughts,

Towards ourselves and towards others in our life.

Then these are four things we want to refrain from.

Not lie,

Not speak harshly,

And not use divisive speech.

That's the third one.

Divisive speech is when we get in the way of people and their relationships.

Divisive speech.

Divisive means to divide.

We don't want to divide others.

So we need to learn to slow down,

To pause,

To ask ourselves those four questions before we speak.

What I'm about to say,

Is it true?

Is it kind?

Is it necessary?

And is this timely?

Is this the right time for me to say this thing so that the person I'm speaking to is actually going to hear it?

And the fourth thing that we want to refrain from in order to offer right speech and be impeccable with our words is spreading gossip or speaking unnecessarily.

When we spread gossip,

Or just speak just to talk,

Idle talk it's called.

Actually,

I wrote it down,

Let me read it.

There's a name for it.

You're going to love this.

In Pali,

The word for idle chatter or unnecessary talk is sanpapalapa,

Sanpapalapa.

So no sanpapalapa.

And the word sounds like that,

Like just gibberish,

Just nonsense,

Gossip,

Unnecessary talking.

Refraining from sanpapalapa.

This keeps us in line with right speech,

In line with asking ourselves,

Is my speech adding to suffering?

Or is my speech removing suffering for myself and for others?

Does my speech improve upon the silence?

Does my speech reduce suffering or add to it?

These are profound questions,

My friends.

And we know that our speech doesn't come out of nothing.

Our speech comes from our habits of mind.

It comes from our identity,

Well I'm the smart one so I need to say something in all situations.

It comes from our feeling tone,

What is my feeling tone,

Am I feeling pleasant or unpleasant?

Depending on my feeling tone,

Pleasant or unpleasant,

Different speech is going to come from that.

And our speech is also conditioned by our intention.

What is my intention?

If my intention is to reduce suffering,

It's going to guide me towards a certain type of speech.

If my intention is to improve upon the silence,

It's going to guide me into a certain type of speech.

So we do the best that we can.

I love Maya Angelou's offering,

She wrote,

Don't beat yourself up for not knowing what you didn't know when you didn't know it.

And then she writes,

And when you know better,

Do better.

So this is a lived teaching.

This isn't something to keep in our journal tucked away.

These teachings,

These wisdom teachings are here to be embodied,

To be lived.

Yes,

Sure,

We can think about them a little bit,

Chew on them,

Digest them,

Understand them cognitively,

But then we want to live them,

My friends.

Because thinking,

As the saying goes,

Thinking doesn't cook the rice.

We've got to grab the pot,

Put in the water,

Wash the rice,

Put in the rice,

Turn on the oven.

We need to live into these teachings in order to transform,

To change our habits,

Our conditioned patterns.

And when harsh words come,

Or careless words come,

Because our conditioning is so deep,

When the carelessness comes,

We want to practice dropping the self-judgment and shifting to a space of curiosity.

That's what mindfulness is,

My friends.

Being fully present,

Present moment time,

Without judgment.

So let's say I said something,

My snarky teenager rolled his eyes and said some nasty remark,

And I reacted,

Knee-jerk reaction,

I responded back,

Carelessly,

With harsh words.

And then I feel really bad about it,

About myself.

I feel so guilty that I said whatever I said,

And I start the self-judgment,

The beating myself up.

This is the second arrow,

My friends.

Do you remember the Buddha talked about the first arrow is the pain,

Let's say you stubbed your toe,

But the second arrow is what you tell yourself about the pain.

I'm such an idiot for stubbing my toe,

How could I stub my toe again on that same sofa?

That's the second arrow,

That self-judgment.

So we want to practice removing the second arrow,

Dropping the self-judgment,

And practicing curiosity.

Wow,

Look at this language that I used with my son,

Look at these careless words.

So what do we do?

If that harshness comes about,

We notice.

We notice that the harshness was here,

The careless words were here,

Whether in our minds or outwardly towards someone.

We don't shame ourselves.

If we are judging and shaming ourselves,

We notice that too.

So that's all part of noticing.

We apologize if needed.

Sometimes an apology is needed to repair and reconcile,

Hey,

I just noticed that I used a harsh tone with you,

I'm really sorry about that,

I was reactive.

And the third thing is we begin again.

So we notice our words,

We apologize if needed,

We drop the shame,

The self-criticism,

And we begin again.

It's going to happen,

My friends,

We're going to miss the mark.

That's okay.

Can we begin again?

Can we go back to that necklace that I was talking about,

That beaded necklace that we're making of now plus now plus now plus now?

In essence,

That's our life.

Just the long necklace of now plus now plus now,

The journey of now.

So inevitably,

We're going to kind of mess up,

So to speak,

Use harmful speech,

Use words that we didn't really want to use,

But in the moment just felt reactive.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Just being gentle,

Tender,

And kind to ourselves like we would to a friend or a child.

If they stub their toe,

We're not going to go and tell them,

You idiot,

But we do that to ourselves.

I should have known better.

What's wrong with me?

How could I do this again?

So can we begin to practice self-kindness,

Being impeccable with our words inwardly towards ourselves,

Not just out there?

Some people are very put together in the language they use out there,

So there's a beautiful facade of this perfection,

But it's a facade.

This isn't about perfection.

Being impeccable is not about perfection.

It's about showing up in honesty,

Aligning our thoughts,

Words,

And actions,

And bringing compassion,

Self-forgiveness.

You can find the recording on self-compassion,

So it's on my page,

The talk that I gave on self-compassion.

If you're lacking in some self-compassion,

Please listen to the talk.

I think it can support you.

So simply noticing,

Would I talk like this to another person?

Would I speak these words in this way,

With this tone,

To another human being?

The impeccability truly begins when we include ourselves with compassion.

As the Dalai Lama says,

You don't know compassion until you know self-compassion.

So for all of us who say,

Oh,

I'm so compassionate to everybody else,

Well,

That's lovely,

But you can't exclude yourself.

So we need to practice self-compassion.

When we're not impeccable with our words,

We get to practice self-compassion.

And this is about practice,

My friends.

We get good at what we practice.

If we've been practicing abusing ourselves with our thoughts,

Letting our mouth run,

Sampalapala,

Which is the unnecessary chatter,

Just letting ourselves talk on and on unmindfully for decades,

It's going to take some practice to switch that over to a mindful way of being.

So it comes down to the question,

What are you committed to?

What is your intention?

What do you want?

Do you want to transform your suffering?

Do you want to create less suffering for yourself and others in this world?

Do you want world peace?

Well,

If you want that,

My friend,

You need to start with yourself.

Each and every one of us needs to start just here,

Just this.

Many of us outwardly,

Out in the world,

Outside of our home and our close circle,

We're quite impeccable with our words.

But the moment we get close to family,

The moment we're sitting at that Thanksgiving dinner or New Year's dinner,

Oh boy,

We start spewing.

It's like Ram Dass said,

If you think you're enlightened,

Spend a week with your family.

He was so right.

Family and the people close to us,

Our partners,

Bring a certain trigger,

Certain reactivity that we need to work on,

That we need to practice in order to free ourselves of the suffering around that.

So how does being impeccable with our word free us?

How does it actually free us?

Because this is what the Four Agreements tells us.

The book tells us that if we follow these four agreements,

And today we're doing the first one of the four,

If we follow these four agreements,

We will be free.

Well,

The first way is that we stop creating unnecessary suffering for ourselves and for others.

When we're mindful of our speech,

We're not creating extra suffering in our own thoughts,

In our own minds,

And in the lives of those who are on the other end of our speech.

When we're impeccable with our word,

We become more trustworthy to ourselves and to others.

We become our own friend,

And that's why the recording I put on self-compassion is so important.

We need to learn self-compassion.

We need to learn to say to ourselves,

Hey,

Sweetheart,

That's rough,

Yeah,

You're having a tough time.

Anybody in your position would have a tough time.

So just take it easy.

Take it easy for a little bit.

So we begin to trust ourselves more when our words align with our intention.

Also,

When we're impeccable with our words,

We reduce misunderstandings.

We say what we mean and mean what we say.

But in order to do that,

We need to slow down.

We need to slow down,

Notice,

Pause,

Be honest,

And ask ourselves those four questions that the Buddha offered us for right speech.

Is it true?

Is it kind?

Is it necessary?

And is it timely?

Is it the right time to say the thing I'm going to say?

Maybe I need to say it tomorrow.

Maybe this is not the right time.

And all of this helps us to reclaim our personal power,

To drop the victimhood,

To drop blaming others and,

By definition,

Self-victimizing,

And to reclaim the power that we have.

As creative beings,

The power of the word has the power to change the world.

And so our words become these tools.

And they can be tools of truth or tools used as weapons.

So ask yourself,

My friend,

Is this important to me?

How does this land in my life?

Am I impeccable with my words?

Most of the time,

Part of the time,

Rarely,

Never.

However,

Do I want to use my words as tools of truth?

Or do I want to just throw them around like weapons?

Take a deep breath with me,

My friends.

So when we use these four simple questions that the Buddha offered us,

Is it true?

Is it kind?

Is it necessary?

And is it timely?

We can save ourselves a lot of suffering.

We get to practice speaking truthfully,

Kindly,

And consciously from a space of awareness.

We have one more exploration before we close up.

Silence as sacred speech.

So this is more from the Buddhist perspective.

Not so much from the Four Agreements.

The Four Agreements is speaking more about being impeccable with our language,

Inner language in our minds and outer language.

But the Buddha speaks a lot about silence.

And he praised noble silence.

This is what we experience for those of us that go on silent retreat.

And it's not a silence born out of avoidance.

I'm going to avoid talking.

I'm going to keep it to myself.

It's not that kind of silence.

It's a silence that comes from wisdom.

From the wisdom that knows nothing needs to be added right now.

And sometimes that's the best form of sacred speech.

Because this kind of silence can help to interrupt our conditioned habits of mind.

And sometimes,

My dear friends,

Silence is the most truthful response.

More than anything that you might speak.

Sometimes the most impeccable word is no word at all.

And I've been to many silent retreats where we practice being in silence,

Being in stillness and noticing what comes up in the mind.

And it's a beautiful,

Sacred practice.

Because in silence,

We honor not lying.

We honor not using harsh language.

We honor not speaking from divisiveness.

And we honor not speaking idle chatter.

The four roots of right speech.

But the question is,

Do we honor them for our own selves in our mind?

Because when we are in silence,

When we're not speaking to others,

The mind is still speaking.

If any of you have ever tried to sit in meditation,

The mind is going on and on.

So can we practice interrupting the cycle of that inner dialogue?

Maybe it's an inner critic.

Maybe it's a bully.

Maybe it's a perfectionist.

That mind that is not serving us,

We can learn to interrupt it.

And this is where meditation becomes so crucial.

Our next love stream that's on the calendar is titled,

The Paradox of Meditation.

Many of us have a lot of misconceptions about meditation.

And it's such a critical part of this journey of self-discovery,

This journey of transformation and awakening.

So I thought it would be valuable to talk a little bit about misconceptions and the paradox of what we gain when we develop a meditative practice.

And there are so many ways to meditate.

You don't have to have a flowy robe and sit on the top of the Himalayas in Nepal.

Although,

I don't knock it.

That sounds really nice,

Too.

But it's not necessary.

And when we incorporate a meditative practice in our lives that we practice over and over again,

We no longer need the cushion.

We no longer need to sit in a special spot and light our incense and have the flowy robe.

Life becomes the meditation.

Each breath becomes our meditation.

Slowing down,

Micropauses,

Impeccable speech,

Intention,

Commitment,

Deep listening,

All of this becomes living in meditation.

So meditation is no longer something I do for 5 minutes,

10 minutes,

30 minutes in the morning before my coffee.

Although,

It can start out that way for sure.

We have to start somewhere.

But as we bring our meditative practice into our lives,

We take it off the cushion and it becomes a flow.

And it doesn't mean we do it perfectly.

And that's okay because we are human beings.

And the being is perfect and whole and complete,

Untouched by the life stream,

Ever present.

The being was never born and never dies.

And yet the human,

The human part of the human being,

Is a mess a lot of the time and that's okay too.

That's okay too.

May we accept the entire experience,

Human beingness.

May we learn to find refuge in the beingness,

In conscious awareness,

In boundless love,

Compassion,

Peace that is already and always who we are.

So that when we return to this space within,

Space of no space,

Words are limiting,

In describing the ephemeral,

Effervescent,

Boundless,

Effortless being that we are.

And when we return to this space of no space of being,

We can better hold the messy little human,

The one that brushes their teeth,

Brushes their hair,

Shoves food into their mouth,

Says things,

Sometimes impeccably,

Sometimes not impeccably,

The messy human.

May we love ourselves.

May we love ourselves.

So Karen says,

Thank you for the reminders.

Yes,

Karen,

These are reminders and this is why we meet in the love stream right here.

We meet here to remind ourselves and each other because you know this,

We all know to be impeccable with our words,

But we don't practice.

So these reminders are so powerful,

That's why we come together.

As reminders.

So my friends,

What is one tool that you can use in your life,

In real life,

Outside of this platform?

Is there something that you heard that resonates for you?

That you say,

My intention is to practice that in your day-to-day life,

And then for sure,

We're going to do a guided meditation so that we can embody and let this really sink in,

Embody these teachings,

Because they are profound.

And remember that hearing them might bring us an insight,

Might bring us a momentary aha moment,

As it said,

Ooh,

I got an aha moment.

I have an insight that I want to do this,

But the insight is not enough.

The insight can be just a spark,

And then we go back to the deeply conditioned habits of mind.

So this is why it's important to speak our intention,

And then to bring it into embodied presence through the guided meditation.

We do need to practice on a regular basis,

Every single day,

When things are kind of calm,

When things aren't being horrible.

So how do we practice pausing?

We can literally do it with our phones,

Because everybody has a phone nowadays,

At least one.

So we can do it with our phones.

When we get a text message,

Can we have a micro pause rather than that quick response immediately?

That's a way to practice pausing.

When somebody writes to us,

If we read it,

And it's something that we don't like,

Instead of reactively answering quickly that text message,

Let's take a pause,

Put the phone down,

Walk away,

Take your breaths.

So here we come back to the ABCs of Soul Surgery.

Who remembers the ABCs of Soul Surgery?

So the ABCs of Soul Surgery,

I came up with because I was a trauma surgeon early in my career,

Doing a lot of trauma,

And in the emergency room,

We need to very quickly save lives.

And so we all learn,

All healthcare workers in emergency situations learn ABCs,

Airway,

Breathing,

Circulation,

So we can save that life immediately.

So I thought to myself,

Wait a minute,

We need ABCs of Soul Surgery,

Because we get into overwhelm and anxiety and upset.

So how do I save myself in that moment?

So that's when I came up with the ABCs of Soul Surgery and how beautiful that it kind of worked out.

So it's something I use every day,

Just so you know.

Anything that I ever share with you here is through my lived experience.

It's not something I just talk about.

I talk the talk,

And I also walk the walk.

And this is what I invite for you,

My friends,

Not to leave all of this as just philosophical contemplation.

That doesn't go anywhere,

That doesn't serve us.

So what we want is,

We want to have lived,

Embodied experience.

So I use the ABCs of Soul Surgery every day.

So the ABCs,

The first one is awareness.

Awareness,

Which is mindful presence.

Mindful presence means being aware of what's going on without judgment.

So the way that it helps me to see is think of just a video camera,

Videotaping the situation,

Without any narrative.

Because the narrative is the story that we give it.

If you took a video camera of stubbing the toe,

There's just stubbing the toe.

There's no narrative.

That's the awareness,

The mindful,

Present awareness.

This is what's happening,

I stubbed my toe.

But we add that second arrow of grief and suffering to ourselves with the narrative,

With the story.

Oh my gosh,

I'm such an idiot,

I didn't move the table and I stubbed my toe again on that same table.

That's judgment and that's harmful and that's not being impeccable with our words.

So you see how it all ties in together.

So the first of the ABCs of Soul Surgery,

When you find yourself in overwhelm,

Awareness,

What is here now?

It might be an emotion,

Sadness is here.

Notice,

Yeah,

Sadness is here,

Grief is here.

Simply notice.

And then the B,

Come back to the breath.

First you become aware what's here,

Then you come back to the breath.

Deep,

Conscious,

Intentional breath.

Take it with me.

Deep inhale.

Intentional.

Extra long exhale.

And the C of the ABCs of Soul Surgery,

Compassionate contemplation.

I had to sneak two Cs in there because they're just too good.

And they're both necessary.

We bring compassion to ourselves in the moment.

So go and listen to that recorded talk on self-compassion if you haven't heard it.

Bring self-compassion.

Yeah,

You stubbed your toe,

Sweetie.

Okay,

Just feel the pain.

And then we just feel the physical pain without adding the narrative of self-flagellation,

Of self-criticism,

Self-judgment.

And then the second C is the contemplation.

It's the investigation or the self-inquiry.

Huh,

Wow,

Look how angry I get when I stub my toe.

Look how quickly I go into shaming myself and beating myself up.

Where's that coming from?

So those are the deeper contemplations.

So my friends,

These are the ABCs of Soul Surgery that we can use anytime,

All the time.

That's the beauty.

You can do it while you're driving.

You can do it while you're washing the dishes.

You can do it while you're going to sleep.

What is here?

Where?

What is here?

And this aligns with our being impeccable with our word topic because it brings us to live in more mindful presence.

Not everybody knows these teachings.

And this is what we call a lucky life.

All of you that are sitting here right now,

Listening and participating in co-creating this love stream are living a lucky,

Privileged life,

Just being able to take the time and space to engage with this wisdom.

Lucky life,

My friends.

Okay,

Let me continue bringing your words here.

Karen says,

Wish this was a recording so I could listen to it again and pass it to my daughter.

Oh,

Well,

I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Well,

Guess what,

Karen?

Your wish is my command.

I am recording this.

It's just we're recording the second half because I forgot to press record on the first half.

And I love,

Love,

Love that you're sending this to your daughter,

Karen.

How beautiful.

Barbara says,

Thank you for the reminder to pause before I react and to practice that with my phone.

Yes,

We need to make this real.

We need to bring these teachings into real life.

So figure out how to practice in your day-to-day.

And since we have our phones with us all the time,

It's a beautiful space to practice reactivity and response.

Kiran says,

In argument,

If we keep silence,

The other person thinks we're ignoring.

Well,

Karen,

We can be honest and we can say,

I'm going to stay silent for a moment now so that we're not creating an energy of,

Oh,

Maybe they feel we're ignoring them.

So it's just about speaking our truth.

There's an argument and we notice that,

I think I'm better off going into some sacred silence right now so I don't say something I regret.

We just share that with the person.

We say,

You know what?

I'm feeling overwhelmed.

We just call a thing a thing.

I'm feeling overwhelmed.

I can feel anger,

Upset,

Resentment coming up,

Whatever emotions are coming up for you.

And I'm going to stay silent for a little bit.

I'm not ignoring you.

I just need to reground.

That's awareness.

And then you can go to the second,

The B,

The ABCs,

The breath.

And you just take your breaths.

So you're being honest with the other person and you're being honest with yourself and honoring your own emotions in that moment.

The Buddha said,

Forget everything I taught for almost 50 years.

Just remember these two things.

What is your intention?

And how do you give attention to your intention?

All of it comes together in a meditative practice.

It helps to have these love streams and to do it in community and to share in understanding why it's so hard to do this stuff.

And that's where we learn the self-compassion.

Yeah,

This is hard.

And that's okay.

Step by step by step.

And I will read the poem from our beloved Rumi,

The poem titled,

The Breeze at Dawn.

The Breeze at Dawn has secrets to tell you.

Don't go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.

Don't go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the door sill where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and open.

Don't go back to sleep.

Om shanti,

Shanti,

Shanti.

Peace in your heart.

Peace in your mind.

Peace in your body.

Peace in our world.

May everything we shared together in our time today benefit you and help all beings to be free of suffering.

Namaste.