Let Yourself Be Human : A Practice In Self-Compassion

In this hourlong talk given as a live Lovestream a few days ago, we explored what it means to stop striving for perfection and gently allow our full humanity to come forth. Through reflection, lived wisdom, and compassion-based inquiry, you'll be invited to meet your emotions, struggles, and tenderness with kindness rather than judgment. This offering supports softening self-criticism, befriending the nervous system, and remembering that nothing about you needs to be fixed in order to be worthy of care.
Together, we engage in a self-compassion practice and remember our humanness.

Transcript

Welcome everyone who's here for the first time and welcome everybody who comes back again and again.

This is our love stream number 11.

You see all the little hearts floating.

That's why I call it a love stream.

Very happy to have you all here.

And if you scroll up in the chat,

You'll see that I put the title of our talk today,

Which we're going to dive into in just a few minutes.

And our talk today is going to be Let Yourself Be Human,

A practice in self-compassion.

It's going to be a good one.

So that's what we're going to dive in today.

And those of you that have been with me before,

You know that we have a topic and I have lots to share on the topic.

And we're also going to dive into guided meditations together so that we're not just talking,

We're actually experiencing and embodying in present moment time,

In real time,

The practice and the dharma.

We don't want to just hear it and listen and stay kind of up here in this disconnected head.

We want it to land,

Land in our bodies.

Bring in whatever your experience is of this very,

Very profound topic of self-compassion.

Whatever your experience is,

Bring it into the chat and I'll bring your reflection.

I'll pluck it out of the chat and I'll speak your words.

Give them life so that we can,

We can really have a direct personalized experience of these teachings.

This is not about some philosophy.

This is not about,

Oh,

I love listening to this woman,

Dr.

Tammy Soul Surgeon,

Just blah,

Blah,

Blahing away.

No,

My friends,

This is truly about transformation.

This is about waking up.

This is about transforming our suffering because when we suffer,

Everybody else suffers.

You know how it is when you're in a bad mood,

When you're,

You know,

Whiny and upset and unhappy.

You know that that is going to spill out onto others that you come across in traffic,

In the supermarket,

Your kids,

Your partner,

Your pet,

At work.

It's going to come out.

So can we transform our suffering?

And the answer is yes,

We can.

That's what I'm here for,

To share with you.

My life has transformed dramatically through the guidance of the teachings of the enlightened Buddha,

Who was just a man,

Just a man walking around just like you and I.

And he realized that there's so much suffering in the world.

And he wanted to figure out why do we suffer?

And is there an end to this suffering?

Is there a way to not suffer?

And he came up with a ton of fantastic answers.

And he taught for over 40 years.

So there's lots and lots of teachings called the Dharma.

The Dharma are his teachings.

We want to live into these teachings.

We don't want to sit around,

Chew on them.

I call it mental masturbation,

Chewing the cud,

Chewing on,

Yeah,

That's a good idea.

I really,

I really should be doing that.

No,

This is not philosophy,

My friends.

This is real life.

This is your life.

And my life.

And there's nothing more important than your life.

So what I bring to you is my lived experience.

So we serve each other in this sangha,

In this community of togetherness,

This community of truth seekers,

This community of peace seekers,

Freedom seekers.

Let's take a couple of deep breaths before we jump into our topic for today.

So I invite you perhaps close your eyes or have a soft downward gaze.

And bring the light of your awareness to your breath.

Deep inhale through the nose if that's available to you.

And a long exhale through the mouth.

Letting go.

It's the long exhale that stimulates the vagus nerve to relax,

Restore.

So make sure that you spend some time in that long exhale.

Find your own pace.

And perhaps a hand on heart or hand on your solar plexus,

On the belly,

Or palms in your lap,

Whatever feels comfortable to you.

Give yourself what you need in this moment.

Listening in to the silence between the words.

Just noticing how you're feeling after these couple of deep breaths.

Let yourself be human,

A practice in self-compassion.

This is our topic today,

My friends.

And self-compassion begins with a radical permission to be human.

How's that?

We can just have a whole two-hour love stream about giving ourselves the radical permission to be human.

Because how often do we not do that?

How often do we think that being human is a failure?

If I feel sad,

If I feel grief,

If I have a longing,

If I feel anger,

Or if I'm soft and gentle and tender,

It's a spiritual failure.

And yet,

Those emotions are not signs that we're doing anything wrong.

Actually,

They're just signs that you're alive.

Alive.

So just beginning with this dharma talk on self-compassion,

Think about yourself in your own life.

Do you give yourself that radical permission to be human and not see the emotions that come up as this spiritual failure?

Many of us,

When we were younger,

We've learned that receiving love is transactional.

It's reciprocal.

If only I'm good,

If only I'm productive,

If only I'm useful,

If only I'm not a burden,

If only I'm not too sensitive,

Then I'll be accepted,

Then I'll be okay.

So we create a whole facade,

A whole ego sense of self that is the opposite of that.

That is hypervigilant,

Overachiever,

Self-sufficient,

Strong inner critic,

Has to keep us in line so that perfectionist or that inner critic,

However it shows up for you,

Is a little bully.

It's a little bully that lives inside and says,

Do this,

Do this,

Do this,

Because if you don't,

You're not going to be loved.

You're not going to be accepted.

So these are deep messages and conditioning that we have in our early attachments,

Often from caregivers or from the community around us,

Whether it's school or religious community.

So we learn to override ourselves.

Oh,

I shouldn't be feeling this.

I should be more evolved by now.

Come on,

I've been on a spiritual journey for I don't know how long,

I own a yoga mat,

I have a whole drawer of incense,

Right?

If I have a whole drawer of incense and I know three mantras and a yoga mat,

For sure I should be really evolved by now.

Right?

And it sounds funny and I'm saying it in a funny way,

Not to mock,

But to show us what we do to ourselves.

And so what we're going to open up today,

Self-compassion,

Is the moment that we stop weaponizing against ourselves and we start accepting,

Truly accepting what is here.

So self-compassion is simply a way of saying,

This is what is arising in this human,

In this nervous system right now.

And may I be with it,

No matter how uncomfortable it is.

So self-compassion is not a way of fixing,

Which most of us are used to the fixing mindset,

Right?

Self-development,

Shaming ourselves.

You should know this by now,

Right?

Don't we do that to ourselves?

You know,

All those books that you read,

All those podcasts you listen to,

You should already be there wherever there is.

But as we deepen on this path,

We realize there's no there,

There.

There is no there,

There.

There's just this,

This,

This breath,

This word,

This presence right here with 108 of you here.

That's a beautiful spiritual number.

So self-compassion simply says,

In this moment,

This is what's arising in this nervous system,

This human nervous system,

Right here,

Right now,

Just honesty.

Let's go a little bit deeper then.

So before we go into self-compassion,

I want to talk a few minutes just about compassion.

Because for a lot of us,

We consider ourselves very compassionate beings.

Oh,

I'm so compassionate.

I really feel I'm compassionate.

I'm empathic.

I really feel for this person that's going through a tough time right now.

So we offer compassion to others very freely.

So I want to just make a little distinction and explanation of why offering compassion to others can feel easier and safer than offering self-compassion.

So let's define and understand why we can be really compassionate towards others and feel like I'm such a compassionate person,

And yet self-compassion feels elusive and maybe even hard.

So compassion is simply a concern for the alleviation of suffering of others and ourselves if we're talking about self-compassion.

So compassion is the willingness to stay kind and present with another person.

Self-compassion is the willingness to stay kind and present with yourself,

Especially when you're struggling.

Compassion is not about fixing,

It's not about improving,

And it's not about explaining yourself away.

Oh,

You'll feel better soon.

Oh,

You shouldn't be feeling this way.

That's not what it's about.

It's about stopping the habit of treating yourself harshly.

So one of the reasons that we can be compassionate towards others outwardly,

But not towards ourselves,

Is because when we're young,

We get praised for caring for others,

Right?

Oh,

Look what a good big sister you are.

You're helping your baby brother put his shoes on,

Right?

We're taught explicitly or implicitly to be compassionate,

To be kind to others,

To be caring for others.

This is equals good.

And we're taught explicitly or implicitly that caring for ourselves is weak,

Selfish,

Or indulgent.

And this goes for all humans and very especially to women.

Maybe because we are the ones bringing life,

We have the babies,

And so that messaging is so deep in us because if we don't care for the baby,

The baby will not survive.

So we're taught that caring for others is a good thing,

But caring for ourselves is being weak or selfish.

We're self-indulgent.

So compassion becomes this relational,

Transactional engagement.

It's not an internal offering.

So we learn to give,

To give warmth,

Compassion,

Loving presence to others before we learn how to receive it for ourselves.

So what happens when we offer that self-compassion to ourselves?

Well,

Here's what happens.

Self-compassion dissolves the ego.

We'll do a little definition.

The ego sense of self,

The way I use it,

And you might hear many different iterations of this,

But the ego is that part of us that is constantly trying to keep us safe.

It's trying to keep us safe,

So it's not a bad thing,

But it's not real,

But we take it to be real.

But the truth is,

That's not who or what I am.

Those are aspects of me.

Those are roles and identities I play.

I play the role of mother.

I play the role of soul surgeon.

I play the role of spiritual transformational guide and mentor.

When we bring that self-compassion in,

It cuts right through the ego sense of self,

The inner controller,

The critical sense of self,

That perfectionist.

But the ego is trying to keep us safe,

So it's pushing away that self-compassion.

You know,

I work with many doctors and,

Like myself,

We are hard on ourselves.

I think most humans are hard on themselves,

But the subset of physicians and health care workers are particularly hard on themselves.

And we believe that being hard on ourselves,

Keeping that blah,

Blah,

Blah,

That inner controller,

That ego self,

Self-flagellating,

Beating ourselves up with hard feelings,

Harshness,

Come on,

You need to finish this.

You need to be better.

You need to learn.

You need to study.

You need to stay up late,

Whatever it is,

That that equals motivation.

We believe that the harshness keeps us motivated,

Productive,

Achieving.

And that messaging is given throughout our culture.

So that harshness and that inner self-criticism is trying to keep us safe.

And it's pushing away self-compassion because self-compassion threatens that part of us.

Self-compassion says,

Hey,

Sweetheart,

It's okay that you're tired.

Do you see how self-compassion dissolves that inner critic?

So they sit on opposite ends of the spectrum.

So usually,

Not as a rule,

But as a loose rule,

Those of us that have very strong functioning ego identification have very little self-compassion.

And when we start softening that ego sense of self with self-compassion,

The self-compassion grows and the ego softens.

Remember that the inner critic,

Which we'll have a separate workshop on the inner critic,

But the inner critic is a protector.

It's not an enemy.

It's a part of us that in our youth came out and developed to protect us.

So there's no need to try to kill the ego.

You know,

Some people talk about ego death,

Kill the ego.

The ego is protective.

It's a way of surviving this life.

Every single one of you,

Thus far,

Has survived this life.

But we want to not just survive.

We want to actually be the essence of who we are.

We want to release conditioned habits of mind.

We want to bring forth the kindness,

The generosity,

The love,

The peace,

The freedom,

The joy,

Equanimity.

So we need to shift inside of ourselves because in order to change this world,

My friends,

We need to start with a party of one.

We start here with our own suffering,

With our own pain,

With our own inner critic,

With our own ego.

And the reason self-compassion feels almost threatening to the ego is because it thinks,

Well,

If I soften,

I'm going to lose control.

If I'm gentle and kind with myself,

I'm going to lose control.

And that can feel very scary.

That can feel very scary.

And so the ego just holds on.

Nope,

I don't need to be nice and soft and self-compassionate.

So there's some resistance to self-compassion.

The other reason that it's easier sometimes to have compassion for others than self-compassion is because compassion for others keeps us at a distance,

Right?

Their pain is over there.

And I can remain intact while I'm helping them with their pain.

So there's a sense of separation.

But self-compassion removes that distance because now it's me.

There's no other person I'm being compassionate to.

It's me.

So we remove that distance.

And self-compassion is actually asking us to look closer at our pain,

To be with our pain.

It asks us to stay with our own vulnerability without armor.

Remember,

Dropping the ego,

Increasing self-compassion.

Can I stay with my grief?

Can I stay with my shame?

Can I stay with my fear?

And all of this is coming from the Buddhist lens,

From the Buddha Dharma,

Where the Buddha told us that there is dukkha.

That's the first noble truth.

He came up with four noble truths when he was trying to understand suffering.

And the first one is dukkha,

Which is that there is dissatisfaction,

Unsatisfactoriness,

Suffering in this world.

There is discomfort in this world because the things that we really like are going to end.

And the things that we don't like are going to happen.

Sickness,

Old age,

And death are facts of this life,

My friends.

So self-compassion is a beautiful practice,

A beautiful tool that helps us to come closer to our humanity.

And that's why the title is Let Yourself Be Human.

Dropping the judgment.

That's the ego.

It's not real.

We don't have to believe all our thoughts.

We can just notice,

Notice the thoughts.

Some of us think,

I don't deserve kindness.

Somebody on a past love stream said,

I believe I deserve to suffer.

Well,

Check yourself out.

Is that true?

Is that a belief you carry?

Do you carry the belief that you don't deserve compassion?

That you don't deserve kindness?

Do you believe that something's wrong with you?

That's where shame comes in.

Something's wrong with me.

Well,

The beauty is that self-compassion shines the light directly on shame.

And shame survives thanks to silence and constant self-attacking.

So as soon as you remove the self-attacking,

And you remove the silence,

And you shine the light on shame with self-compassion,

And you say,

Hey,

Sweetheart,

There's nothing wrong with you.

You don't deserve to suffer.

Let me bring some kindness to you.

We dissolve the shame in this way.

Our nervous system responds to self-compassion.

Many of us grew up believing that we had to perform,

As I said earlier,

Because love is performative,

Transactional.

If I perform and I'm a good girl or a good boy,

A smart boy,

Strong girl,

Then I'm going to get accolades from those who raise me.

So if I stay really vigilant and control everything in my environment and take care of others and make sure everything is status quo,

Then I'm going to be loved,

Accepted,

And seen.

So our nervous system gets used to this being our modem operandi,

Our way of being,

Our go-to.

And when we start the practice of self-compassion,

It can actually feel unsafe at first,

Because now I'm dropping the guard,

I'm dropping the armor,

I'm softening the ego,

That protective,

Hyper-vigilant sense,

And I'm relaxing into the kindness.

It feels like I'm dropping my guard.

And I feel fragile.

And I avoid feeling fragile because that's scary.

So self-compassion invites us into stillness so that we can see what is here,

We can feel what is here,

And receive our own loving-kindness.

The Buddha Dharma from which all of these teachings come,

They've been transformational in my life.

But the Buddha didn't teach self-improvement.

He wasn't about,

Yes,

You can be better,

You know,

Maybe like a Tony Robbins kind of,

You know,

You got this,

Yes,

You can be better,

You can be stronger,

You can be,

Or maybe that's Rocky,

Sylvester Stallone in Rocky.

I don't know,

That cheerleader.

He wasn't teaching self-improvement.

He was teaching how do we end the war with what is?

How do we end the war with reality?

So when my pain shows up,

Can I meet it?

The Buddha was all about acknowledging that there is suffering in this world,

And also acknowledging that when we resist the suffering,

We add to it,

And we suffer more.

So self-compassion is challenging for some people because it's asking us to stop fighting with ourselves,

To stop fighting with what's here,

Just what's here.

Maybe shame,

Grief,

Fear.

And then the ego sense,

Our egos,

Fear annihilation.

Because what's the ego going to do if I'm just okay with whatever's here?

The ego's out of a job.

But paradoxically,

Paradoxically,

When we stop fighting with the reality of what is here,

Maybe grief is here,

Maybe sadness is here,

Maybe fear is here.

Shame is here.

When we stop fighting with what is,

That's when freedom begins to blossom.

So we can ask ourselves in this reframe,

Instead of saying why is self-compassion so hard for me,

And I gave you a whole bunch of reasons why,

Our deep conditioning from our younger years,

We can shift it and say,

What part of me learned that it wasn't safe to be met with kindness?

What part of me learned that I can't meet myself in kindness?

It's a powerful question,

Powerful question.

So let's take a little moment before we break down self-compassion and go deeply into what it is.

Let me take a moment to check in with you.

How does this land with you?

Where are you in your journey of self-compassion?

Let me go to the chat for a moment.

Sarah says,

Many times when I sit with my own pain,

I feel very fragile and therefore I avoid.

Yes,

You're not alone in that,

Sarah.

You're not alone.

And this is why we need each other.

Mark Nepo,

One of my favorite poets,

Wrote this beautiful line.

Life is made just difficult enough for us to need each other.

Because if it was easy,

We'd do it alone.

And you know what?

Sarah and all my dear friends here,

I did it alone for many years.

And I'm telling you right now,

It's not fun.

It's not fun.

I put on my superwoman cape and I was flying through my life,

Putting out fires,

Taking care of everybody,

And completely neglecting myself.

For many years,

As a surgeon,

As a mother,

As a wife,

As a business owner.

So yes,

Sarah,

It can feel very fragile and very scary also to do this alone.

And that's why God created soul surgeons.

That's why we're able to come in community,

To come together and meet each other,

And have these deep contemplations so that we can support each other.

Because we don't need to do it alone.

That's one of the big messages I would tell my younger self.

You don't have to do it alone.

But that ego,

When that ego is very strong,

Oh,

The ego doesn't need anybody.

The ego doesn't need any help.

So if you need support,

Please reach out for support.

This is why I do one-on-ones.

So you can send me a DM or you can find someone in your community,

Somebody that you feel connected with,

That you feel safe with.

You don't have to do it alone.

Let's see,

Barbara says,

What part of me learned it's not okay to meet myself with kindness?

That's something I need to ponder and use that question to dig deeper.

Yes,

Thank you for that,

Barbara.

What part of me learned that it's not okay to meet myself with kindness?

So I'm going to tell you a little story.

And the bigger story is going to be in my memoir that I'm actively writing as we speak.

And the first time that I went to a therapist,

This was the 18 years ago,

When I was juggling all the eggs in the air,

And I was flowing with my superwoman cape and just doing everything for everyone.

And I went to this therapist that my beloved best friend,

Who was also my aunt medium,

Who died of ovarian cancer.

She recommended this therapist.

So I went to the therapist.

This is a little story,

But I think it hits right on point with this question that Barbara is going to contemplate for herself.

And I went into this therapist.

I sat there and I talked probably 50 minutes of my 60 minute hour,

Crying and complaining and upset that my husband wasn't listening to me and my children weren't listening and my patients weren't listening and my staff wasn't listening.

You get the gist,

Pointing fingers,

Blaming everybody else.

And she just sat there listening.

She was young,

Lovely.

And I thought to myself,

How is she going to help me?

She doesn't have kids.

She doesn't know what it's like to be a surgeon.

She doesn't know how many responsibilities I carry and how difficult everybody is in my life.

And she just listened.

And I talked and talked,

Kind of vomited out everything I was holding.

And in the last couple of minutes of the session,

When I finished and I had tears running down my face,

I was frustrated.

I was angry.

I was resentful.

I felt alone.

I'd been doing so much for so many years for so many people alone.

And she spoke one question.

She asked me one question and she asked me,

Where in your life did you learn you need permission to love yourself?

Where in your life did you learn that you need permission to love yourself?

Well,

Let me tell you,

I almost fell over.

The first thing I thought was,

Did she not listen to me?

What kind of question is this?

I didn't even understand what she was talking about.

I didn't understand the language of self-love,

Self-care,

Self-compassion.

So that's the same opening that we're creating here with this talk about self-compassion.

Where did I learn that I need permission to be kind towards myself?

I don't need that permission towards others.

When a good friend is struggling,

I don't need permission to lend a shoulder to cry on,

A listening ear,

To be gentle,

To be kind,

To say,

Hey,

Sweetheart,

Wow,

You're really going through a tough time to speak a kind word.

But when it comes to me,

Oh,

Well,

That's a different story.

No self-compassion here.

Yeah,

So it's a beautiful question to work with.

And I'm not saying this is easy.

It might be simple,

Simple,

But not easy.

Because we haven't learned it.

That's all,

My friends.

And because society is just not set up around self-compassion.

Our society is built on ego.

Our society is built on push,

Push,

More,

More.

Build the inner critic.

Build the perfectionist.

Build the one that's going to push you.

That ego sense that's going to push you to do more,

Be more,

Overachieve,

Fix yourself.

CG said,

Yes.

Like you said,

Dr.

Tammy,

A great deal of my lack of self-compassion was from conditioning.

Yep.

So now there's this intentional undoing,

Undoing,

Unfolding,

Unwrapping of the conditioning.

And holding compassion while doing it.

And like you say,

CG,

It's not consistent all the time,

But a constant coming back to awareness,

Back to practicing self-compassion.

It is a practice.

And we know that whatever we practice,

We get better at.

So if you want self-mastery,

If you want to have some agency of your mind,

Your thoughts,

Your emotions,

Your actions,

If you want some agency,

You're going to have to practice.

It's not just going to come because we want it.

And this is where the Buddha offered us a beautiful shortcut.

The cliff notes that some of you have heard me mention before,

But it's good stuff.

So I'm going to mention it again for those of you that might be new here.

The Buddha said,

Even though I taught for over 40 years,

45 years,

He taught,

Forget all of that.

Just remember two things,

Intention and attention.

That's all you ever need to remember.

What is your intention?

And how do you bring your attention to this intention?

So like CG is saying,

If your intention is self-mastery,

If your intention is to know your mind,

To know your emotions,

To know who's living in here,

In this body-mind,

Then how are you bringing that attention to this intention?

Sounds like a tongue twister.

What are you actually doing to cultivate this intention of self-mastery of thoughts,

Mind,

Emotions?

So that's all you need to remember.

That's for all of you that like the cliff notes version.

So the first component of compassion is mindfulness,

Which also goes back to the ABCs of soul surgery.

Remember the ABCs of soul surgery?

The A is for awareness,

Which is mindfulness,

Except mindfulness starts with an M.

We needed an A for ABCs,

Awareness.

So mindfulness is the first component of self-compassion.

Mindfulness requires for us to notice that we're suffering,

To notice without judgment,

Without avoidance,

And without aversion.

So mindfulness is paying attention to the present moment experience with an open heart,

With a friendliness,

With non-judgment,

Paying attention to this present moment without judgment.

That's the first component of self-compassion.

So as soon as we catch ourselves beating ourselves up or sitting in a space of just overwhelm,

The moment we notice,

Man,

I'm just overwhelmed,

We can engage in mindfulness practice.

Ah,

What's here?

Overwhelm is here.

I'm not judging it.

Oh,

Overwhelm is horrible.

You're such a weakling.

You're such a horrible human.

You shouldn't be overwhelmed.

You should know how to deal with this.

We're not doing that.

We're bringing mindfulness,

Paying attention to present moment experience with an open-hearted friendliness and non-judgment.

That's the first step of self-compassion.

So you see,

We're relating to our experience,

Our present moment without resistance,

Without pushing away the overwhelm,

Without judging it,

Without avoiding it.

So the compassion is aimed at the person experiencing the suffering,

Experiencing the overwhelm.

The second component of self-compassion is kindness.

Self-kindness.

Treating ourselves with care and understanding.

It involves actively soothing ourselves and comforting ourselves.

So it involves speaking kindness to ourselves,

Whether out loud or in our mind.

It involves touch,

Touching ourselves kindly,

Gently.

That gentle self-talk.

Self-compassion simply notices what is arising mindfully and offering kindness.

And we'll talk more deeply about each one of these.

And the third,

Let me write down the third aspect of mindfulness.

So that's all you need to remember is these three,

And they're in the chat so you can write them down for yourself.

The third aspect is seeing your experience.

Let's say it's overwhelm or fear or sadness or grief.

Seeing your experience as part of the larger humanity.

The larger human experience.

And that's interbeing.

That's a reminder that,

Like the song says,

I'm only human and I fall and I break down.

I'm only human.

And that's why the title of this talk today is letting ourselves be fully human.

So when we remember the common humanity that we've all felt overwhelmed,

That we've all felt sadness,

That we've all known grief,

Anger,

Loss,

Shame,

Fear.

We know that all humans have experienced this.

We're all in the same boat.

And that's the third component of self-compassion.

And these three components are based on the work of Kristen Neff,

N-E-F-F,

In case you haven't heard of her.

She has a ton of books on self-compassion.

She's the queen of self-compassion.

And she talks also a lot about how self-compassion and shame interplay.

So remember that mindfulness,

That first component,

Is not suppressing our pain.

It's not dramatizing our pain or suffering.

It's just being with what's here kindly,

Clearly,

Gently,

Acknowledging.

Yeah,

This hurts without adding a story.

This hurts and I'm such a weakling for not getting over it.

This hurts and I should have known better.

I should do better.

This hurts and if I was more spiritual,

This wouldn't hurt.

Those are all just stories.

Those are narratives that the mind creates.

So mindfulness is just being with the present moment,

With what is.

Yeah,

I feel scared right now.

This is scary.

No story,

Just an open friendliness.

And the self-kindness is instead of self-judgment.

So when we bring the second component,

The self-kindness,

We talk to ourselves in a way that we would talk to somebody we love,

A dear friend,

Someone we care about,

Even can be your pet.

Your partner,

Your children.

So when we bring that self-kindness without self-judgment,

Instead of saying,

Oh my gosh,

What is wrong with me?

Why am I upset about this thing?

Again,

We shift the language and we bring language of self-kindness.

This is hard right now.

You're scared.

How can I be kind to myself right now?

So we're replacing the criticism with care.

We're replacing it.

So self-compassion is not a practice of fixing everything.

It's not fixing it.

Many of us are trained in fixing problems.

I mean,

I worked as a surgeon for over 20 years.

My brain is trained to fix problems.

But then we take that mindset from our work life,

Maybe our careers,

And we're not just fixing problems at work.

But now we're fixing ourselves.

We're fixing our thoughts,

Our emotions,

Our bodies.

We're fixing other people.

So self-compassion is not about fixing.

Self-compassion is just about staying.

Staying the course.

Sitting beside the sadness.

Not demanding it to pass.

Not pushing it away.

Not resisting it.

Mindfully asking,

What is here?

Sadness is here.

Bringing self-kindness and saying,

Can I be with this without abandoning myself?

Can I be with this sadness that's here right now without abandoning myself?

Do you see the difference?

The difference in the energy when we are trying to fix ourselves versus when we're simply just staying with ourselves,

Not abandoning ourselves.

And then we bring that third component of the common humanity,

The third component of self-compassion.

And it removes that isolation,

That feeling like,

If I'm suffering,

It's a personal failure.

When we remember the common humanity,

We remember that overwhelm,

Sadness,

Grief,

Jealousy,

Resentment,

Anger,

Shame.

They're all just part of being human.

They're not a personal failure.

And so this common humanity reminds us that we're not alone in this.

Others have these struggles too.

And then the shame and the judgment kind of soften their grip.

Self-compassion asks us,

Can I stay with myself,

Not abandon myself,

Stay with myself like a close friend?

Can I use compassionate language,

Touch?

Yes,

Sweetheart,

This is really difficult right now.

Anyone who's going through this would be struggling with it right now.

May I be kind to myself?

The words are important.

Words carry energy.

Have I succeeded in offering you self-compassion,

Not as a weakness,

Not as a weakness,

But as a strength,

Not as an indulgence of letting yourself off the hook or avoiding responsibility.

It's not a poor me kind of thing.

It's kindness directed inward.

It's interbeing,

Interdependence,

Which we're going to talk about in our upcoming,

Where is it?

Here it is.

Our upcoming love stream on 111,

January 11 at 11 a.

M.

We're going to talk about interdependence and interbeing and how important it is to understand this universal law that everything is interdependent.

And so when we bring that aspect of common humanity into our self-compassion practice,

We remember that everybody has felt these emotions.

So we don't feel so alone,

So isolated.

But you may say,

Dr.

Tammy,

Soul surgeon lady,

Woman,

Why is this so hard?

Why can I give compassion to everybody else and not to myself?

And I'll tell you that it's because of some of the things that I mentioned earlier.

We talked about it,

But in essence,

It's because no one has modeled it for us.

No one has modeled it for us.

So it can feel a little awkward or strange,

And it can also feel unsafe.

Tenderness,

Self-kindness can feel unsafe because we survived so strong,

So,

So long at being strong.

Tongue twister.

We survived so long at being strong.

And that's the opposite of self-compassion.

It's the opposite.

So it's really about being on our own side and say,

I'm on my own team.

I'm on my team.

I'm on my side.

I want what's best for me because what's best for me is also going to be what's best around me.

Because when I suffer,

I bring suffering to others.

When I take care of myself,

I take care of my mind,

My thoughts,

My emotional heart space.

I bring that love and compassion and empathy and patience and tolerance into the world.

What do we need more of in the world?

Let's just put it on the scale.

Here's the scale of truth.

Do we need more self-criticism,

Judgment,

Anger,

Resentment?

Or do we need more self-compassion,

Kindness,

Generosity?

Wow,

This scale is really accurate.

Yep,

We need more of that second one.

Self-compassion,

Kindness,

Generosity.

And the paradox is that we need to start with ourselves and we forget this,

Or maybe we never learned it.

We need to start here at home with ourselves.

So what we're talking about is letting ourselves be human,

Letting ourselves grieve when we need to grieve,

Letting ourselves rest when we need to rest.

These are all compassionate offerings.

Letting ourselves feel unfinished and out of balance and yet not behind,

Not behind.

Who's there keeping a score?

You know who,

Mr.

E,

The ego.

Letting ourselves feel like we're not doing it all wrong.

Reminding ourselves that we're living inside a human body with a human heart and a human nervous system,

Having a human experience.

This is where compassion begins,

My friends.

It's not about perfection.

It's about allowing ourselves to be fully,

Completely,

Unequivocally,

Messily human and accepting ourselves.

So when we've been feeding the ego for decades,

That's how we're going to show up in our life.

We're going to show up from an ego space.

If we want to soften the ego mind and we want to cultivate living from a space of compassion,

Intuition,

Wisdom,

Calm,

Peace,

Joy,

We're going to have to do things differently,

My friends.

We can't keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Let me know how that lands.

I've mentioned before that I have a six-month-old mini poodle puppy.

She's adorable.

She's a ball of love.

But she's an untrained puppy.

So she runs around like a little maniac.

She's chewing on everything.

She's biting everything.

She's an untrained puppy.

My friends,

This is how our minds are.

Our minds are like an untrained puppy,

Chaotic.

And so unless we have a hard stop like COVID,

2020 was a hard stop for a lot of people.

Unfortunately,

A lot of people died and were sick.

But it was also a moment of transformation for a lot of people,

Hitting the brakes and noticing,

What am I doing?

What am I really doing in my life?

And is what I'm doing aligned with what I want?

So I've met with some of you.

And some of you are not living the life you want to live.

You're not living the life you want to live.

Not at any fault of your own,

But simply the deep conditioning.

So this practice of self-compassion is another way to pause.

Maybe it's not as big a pause as COVID was or a cancer diagnosis,

Which I don't wish for anyone or any kind of illness,

Of course not.

But maybe we can use self-compassion as our micro pause.

Permission to pause in our day.

The moment we notice the mind is going,

Mind is hurting me.

The thoughts that I've cultivated are not serving me.

They're thoughts of overwhelm,

Thoughts of thinking about the future or thinking about the past,

Ruminating.

It's not helping me.

That's the untrained puppy mind.

And this is why a meditative practice is so,

So important in helping to meet our minds.

Who's in here?

Who's living in here?

So maybe today you'll embrace self-compassion as a little micro pause in your life so that you don't have to wait to be on the edge of burnout.

I might want to incorporate days of rest for myself because I'm just not able to continue the way I'm living.

I might have to revamp the way I see my life.

I might have to get help and support from others,

Maybe from a soul surgeon,

Maybe from a therapist,

Maybe from people in your community.

So it's really about taking inventory of our lives,

What we've created,

Taking full responsibility for what we've created in our life.

And then moving forward with the intuition and the wisdom that arrives,

That tells us,

You need some help here.

You need some support.

And I assure you that the universe will provide.

So I invite you to ask yourself,

Where are the spaces in which I can meet my truth?

Usually it's not going to be at work.

Usually it's not going to be when I'm taking care of my child because a young child is all consuming.

Usually it's not going to be when I'm taking care of others.

This is for anyone who resonates with feeling on the edge of burnout,

Not knowing how to shift directions in their lives.

Can you create space for yourself,

Just space for yourself,

For a self-compassion practice that regulates your nervous system and calms your nervous system?

Can you create space for journaling,

Perhaps,

To meet yourself on the page?

For those of you that love to journal,

I love journaling.

A safe space on the page where there's no holding back so that you can allow this energy to move through you.

And you also might benefit from an outside objective perspective because we do have blinders on.

As I often say,

The horses in Central Park,

They're just walking with the blinders on.

All they know is this path.

So we get into these paths in our brain as well.

It's like when you go down the ski slope and you go down the same mountain every time.

What happens to that groove in the mountain?

What happens?

It deepens.

And that's exactly how our brains work.

And the beautiful thing about our brains is that we have the blessing of neuroplasticity.

We have the blessing of neuroplasticity.

So we can go down the same hill or we can get to that top of that hill that we're about to ski off of and say,

Wait a minute,

I don't want to go down this hill again because there are a lot of bumps here.

I don't enjoy this ride.

But the analogy of grooving the mountain is very profound.

So can I notice,

Ah,

I don't want to go down this mountain again.

I'm going to go over there.

But often we have the blinders on and so we can only see ourselves in a certain way.

And that might be happening for you,

Vida.

It might be happening for you right now.

And that's where we really benefit from an outside,

Neutral,

Objective perspective.

So you're welcome to reach out and connect if you feel aligned with getting some support from me or you can do it from anyone else that you have in your community that can be a trusted source of objectivity.

So very often it's not the people closest to us because they are emotionally entangled and they're going to give us agreement.

I give truths.

I give truths.

It's not always comfortable.

But most of us,

What we do is we go to our friends who tell us,

Yes,

You're right.

Yes,

Your boss is an idiot and you should be upset.

But this is not helpful.

That just feeds your ego.

If we want to shift,

We often need a new perspective.

Just like brushing your teeth with the opposite hand.

I invite all of you,

176 of you,

To brush your teeth with the opposite hand for the next two days,

Tonight.

Start tonight.

Brush your teeth with the opposite hand and tell me how that feels.

It's uncomfortable,

But it's a different perspective.

Or lay down on the floor when you're with your child or with your pet.

I have my,

I have the cat and the dog,

Our beautiful pets.

Lay on the floor,

On the floor,

Just looking at the ceiling.

Get a new perspective of your life.

Okay,

Let me continue catching up with the chat and then we will jump into our meditation,

Our self-compassion meditation.

Sarah says,

I receive a lot more from your guidance.

Thank you,

Sarah.

Thank you for receiving.

Chris says,

If you don't choose to slow down,

In the spirit,

The ego will find a way to do so for you on your behalf.

It's a constant dance.

The ego is very sneaky,

Just wants to get in there and tell us what to do.

And guess what?

We get to also say,

No.

That's a full sentence.

No,

Healthy boundary.

I'm not doing this right now.

No,

I'm not doing this extra project.

No,

I'm not over committing myself to a friend.

And so if you'd like to stay for just a few more minutes as we close with a guided meditation,

Self-compassion meditation,

Simply an offering to meet ourselves in presence,

In truth,

In love.

Just here.

Just now.

Just this.

And so I invite you to close your eyes if that feels comfortable for you.

Be comfortable in your body as best you can.

Spine aligned,

Crown of the head tall.

And present.

Returning to the breath.

Allowing the breath to be the anchor that brings us back into presence.

Allowing ourselves to land in our bodies through our breath.

In this moment.

Peace is this moment without judgment.

Peace is this moment without judgment,

Wrote the poet Dorothy Hunt.

Let's bring in our three components of self-compassion.

Beginning with mindfulness,

Awareness of what is here.

Scanning our bodies.

Checking our feeling tone.

Pleasant.

Unpleasant.

Neutral.

Not trying to change it.

Or fix it.

Or push it away.

This too belongs.

This too belongs.

And we can name it.

Sadness is here.

Fear is here.

Uncertainty is here.

Love is here.

Joy is here.

Generosity is here.

Compassion is here.

And as we move into the second component of self-compassion,

We offer ourselves self-kindness with a gentle touch,

Perhaps one hand on the heart and another on top of that hand.

Or a hand on belly or on your lap.

Whatever feels good for you in this moment.

And offering some words of self-kindness.

Sweetheart,

I see you struggling right now.

It's not easy.

It's okay.

It's okay that you're struggling.

Words of self-kindness as you would offer to a friend in need or a young child.

I can see your struggle.

I can see your fear.

I can see there is overwhelm for you right here,

Right now.

It's okay.

Let it be here.

We're not fixing.

We're not resisting.

We're not indulging.

We're simply being with what is in an open-hearted,

Non-judgmental,

Compassionate fashion.

And then we bring our third component of self-compassion,

Which is the reminder that we are part of a common humanity.

That we're not the only ones to ever feel grief or sadness or loneliness or physical pain or burnout or uncertainty.

We are a part of a greater humanity that is still here after thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of years.

And so we remind ourselves,

We're not alone.

Grief is part of the human experience.

Physical pain is part of the human experience of having a body.

Sadness and loss is part of the human experience.

And may I learn to accept it.

May I learn to sit with my loss,

My pain,

My fear,

My burnout,

Overwhelm,

My sadness,

Anger,

And also love and joy and equanimity and empathy,

Compassion.

May I learn to stay.

May I learn to stay with myself and no longer self-abandon.

May I learn to stay.

So check in with your feeling tone,

Pleasant,

Unpleasant,

Neutral.

Check your feeling tone in this moment.

Without judgment,

Simply noticing what is here,

Offering yourself a loving space to simply be human.

The sometimes messy,

Out-of-control,

Overwhelmed mess of a human.

And also remembering to return to the being,

The beingness of your human nature.

The human being,

The being that is always and already whole.

Always and already complete.

Always and already perfect as it is.

Invite you to wiggle your fingers,

Toes,

Shift a little bit,

Maybe a little sway in your body,

In your space,

And at your own pace.

Opening your eyes and coming back into the space.

And may our practice today and all the words we share be of benefit to you and relieve the suffering of all sentient beings.

May it spread near and far.

I invite you to write down your feeling tone or your experience of our time together today in the practice of self-compassion.

I invite you to write down in the chat perhaps one nugget,

One golden nugget that you're going to take with you out of this love stream and into your life so that we can truly transform,

Truly transform,

Rather than keep chewing the cud.

Keep chewing the same thoughts,

The same patterns over and over.

Yes,

We're all learning,

Christina.

Some days I'm the teacher and you're the student,

And some days you're the teacher and I'm the student,

And so it goes,

And so it goes.

Tatiana,

Much love and gratitude for the wisdom shared today.

Thank you,

Tatiana.

Thank you.

You're welcome,

Christina,

Grace and Debbie.

Recognizing that imperfection,

Failure and suffering are shared parts,

Shared parts of the human experience,

Not isolating flaws.

Yes,

Debbie,

It's the ego.

For some reason,

The ego is always this,

My right hand talking to me like this.

So even though the ego is an illusion,

It's not a real sense of self,

But it feels very real,

So I do this.

This is the ego.

So the ego tells us that we're imperfect,

We're failing,

Suffering is for weaklings,

Right?

But then when the ego softens and we cultivate a mind garden,

Planting seeds in our mind garden of self-compassion,

Then we remember that this is part of a greater experience,

A greater humanity,

Just being human,

Not a failure.

Matt says,

Going forth,

We must listen to each other's pain and joy and put down what we carry so we can bow and drink from life itself.

That's Mark Nepo.

Yes,

Thank you for that,

Matt.

Mark Nepo is a dear,

Dear teacher of mine.

I would say friend.

I've met with him many times in person,

Have all his books,

And I highly recommend Mark Nepo as a spiritual poet.

For any of you that love to read,

You can find his books.

Wonderful.

So thank you,

Everyone,

For being here.

Thank you for your presence,

Holding space,

Your open heart,

And for your because we need to show up with a willingness to transform,

A willingness to transform our suffering,

To transform our conditioned habits of mind,

To transform our emotional landscape,

Everything that doesn't serve us.

If it serves you,

Keep doing that,

Do more of that.

If it doesn't serve you,

Let's transform together.

You don't have to do it alone.

So let me read our closing poem.

As some of you know that I love,

And it is by Rumi,

The 13th century poet,

Who is reaching to us through the centuries,

Shaking us up with these words.

And the poem is called The Breeze at Dawn.

The Breeze at Dawn has secrets to tell you.

Don't go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.

Don't go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the door sill where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and open.

Don't go back to sleep.

Om shanti shanti shanti.

Peace,

Peace,

Peace be with you.

Peace in your heart.

Peace in your mind.

Peace in your body.

Peace in the world.

Thank you,

Everyone.

Thank you for being here.

Thank you for being.

I will see you at our next love stream.

That will be number 12,

Happening on January 11th at 11am eastern time.

One,

One,

One,

One,

One.

Lots of ones.

I would love to see old friends,

New friends,

All of you.

And then January 14th,

Four Agreements,

One Path.

And that one will be at 10am eastern.

So thank you,

My friends.

Until next time,

Be well,

Stay awake,

And let's transform together.

See you next time.