Thank you for putting in my way attachment,
Fear,
Fury,
Disgust.
I asked for these near enemies before I was born.
I wished for a troubled path.
To not be granted immediate forgiveness,
To not be immediately seen.
I asked for early encounters with loss and guilt and grief,
And to hold their secrets in the soil of my soul,
Planting contempt and doubt.
I wanted to be a gardener of spirit,
To uproot the weeds of sadness and suffering,
And to tend to the medicine herbs of love and magic.
I wanted to learn from the trees and the wild and my dogs,
Who are much more intimate with being,
Much more intelligent in friendship.
I wanted to know by living a human life how hard it is for the human heart to love,
Really,
Deeply,
When its earliest battle is with shame.
I wanted to know the humiliation of feeling lowly and worthless,
And the illusion of being exceptional and superior.
I chose this earth assignment.
I don't know why.
I don't know why I wanted my path to take me through hell.
Maybe so I could know what it was like after,
To not be there anymore.
Maybe because it would reveal that the purgatory of losing myself could never be as heart-wrenching as the yearning to find myself.
That the pain of opening to love could never overpower the longing to receive love.
I don't know why I chose this path this time.
Maybe because somewhere deep inside,
I knew it could be trodden.
That if I traveled deep enough,
I could learn that do no harm includes to myself.
That the harder the journey,
The more I would accept as my guide,
Trust,
Surrender.
That the answers I was never meant to know were nevertheless loving.
That the mystery,
Which is by far the greater part of life,
Was held safely.
And I was held safely.
I was always radically safe.
