Nervous System Calm After Heartbreak (5-Minute Reset)

Trauma is stored in the body, not just in the mind. What does a breakup do to the amygdala and prefrontal cortex, and what can you do to deal with a difficult or abrupt breakup that catches you off guard? I also discuss the nervous system during a breakup and offer simple tools to help guide you through the process.

Transcript

Hello,

Everybody.

I'm CJ North,

And today I'm going to talk about how the body keeps the score after a breakup.

It's so painful after we go through a breakup and we're always left wondering what happened or why.

And sometimes when the breakup happens,

If it's an abrupt breakup,

We're wondering,

Why did this happen?

What did I do wrong?

And sometimes it can have a little mini traumatic effect on us.

So that's what today's presentation is about.

Your body remembers what your mind wants to forget.

So breakups or sudden abandonment can trigger deep emotional pain.

Well,

First of all,

We're used to having certainty.

And if we don't have certainty in our lives,

A breakup like that happens abruptly is a mini traumatic event in most cases.

Even after weeks,

Your body may still react.

Heart racing,

Panic,

You know,

Tears,

You haven't released the anger.

Again,

You need to continue releasing the anger,

The pain.

If it feels like you can never stop crying,

There's a reason your body is trying to release that pent up anger and grief and trauma.

And you may want to reach out to your person that broke up with you and say,

You know,

Why did you break up with me?

Many times we just want an explanation because our mind ruminates and also goes to the worst case scenario if we don't understand why.

Wasn't I good enough?

Wasn't I happy enough?

Wasn't I pretty enough?

Was I too hard on him?

You know,

What did I do wrong?

And if we don't get an explanation,

It's really hard.

This is your body keeping the score.

It's not weakness.

It's kind of pent up trauma in your body.

The science of the body keeps the score.

Trauma is stored in the body,

Not just remembered in the mind.

So your body is going to suppress all this.

You won't find a way.

It's trauma.

The score of your body,

The survival responses in the brain,

The amygdala triggers fight,

Flight,

And freeze.

Your prefrontal cortex goes offline and even sometimes hormonal shifts,

Cortisol spikes,

And oxytocin drops.

So it's a real effect on the body.

And so I encourage you to take steps to release that grief,

Talk it through with a friend,

You know,

Talk it through with your therapist,

Go outside and scream loud,

Shake,

Run,

Do some kind of physical activity while you're thinking of the incident so you can release it out of the body.

It also shows up in many other ways.

Our nervous system is deregulated or dysregulation happens,

Heart racing,

Shallow breathing,

Insomnia can occur,

Your freeze or collapse.

You can feel numbness,

Disassociation,

Time feels frozen.

You can even have somatic pain.

Your chest tightens,

Your stomach aches.

That's a really big one.

And you get headaches.

You get triggered flashbacks through sensory memories and addiction-like cravings for the last bond can happen.

A big thing that happens too is that this triggers rumination.

And then you start to globalize,

Oh,

Everybody always breaks up with me.

Oh,

I never find the right guy.

Oh,

Why do I always find guys that hurt me?

And then suddenly from just the chest tightening to your stomach aches,

Your whole world from childbirth has been a nightmare and you're ruminating.

Is this true?

No.

Has everybody rejected you?

No.

But a big thing that happens is rumination that spreads into the past,

Present and future.

So don't let that happen.

Remember,

Ask,

Is this really true?

If you're saying to yourself,

Maybe I'm just not lovable after the breakup,

Ask yourself,

Is this 100% true?

No.

Where's the evidence for this?

No,

It is not true.

So don't let yourself ruminate.

So why sudden breakups hit so hard?

There's a lack of closure.

It keeps the brain looping for answers.

Attachment injury mirrors childhood ruptures.

So if you have issues from childhood,

It can represent in adulthood after a breakup.

And then you're suddenly again,

Like I talked about earlier,

Ruminating.

Violation of expectation shocks the nervous system.

So your nervous system has been shocked and it may take a give about three days for most people before their nervous system quiets down.

The breakup and getting over the breakup and the grief can take much longer and that's very personalized,

But the nervous system when it's been dysregulated or shocked can take some time to re-regulate and get back to its normal baseline.

So give yourself one to three days to settle back into a pattern of homeostasis where you're not feeling in that fight or flight or freeze which is very difficult.

And then no narrative.

It's hard to integrate the experience.

So a really good thing to do is take the narrative that you're telling yourself in that situation.

For example,

If your boyfriend broke up with you abruptly with no reason and he gave you mixed messages and you're left like wondering why,

Did I do this?

Did I do that wrong?

Was I not good enough?

Was I not pretty enough?

Was I too thin?

Was I too fat?

Was I not smart enough?

I mean,

Everything that you're telling yourself which we know is a lie and rewrite your narrative.

So actually envision him sitting across from you and envision him saying to you what you needed to hear.

Even if you're writing your own narrative and it's something that you create in your head,

But make it the most positive.

Perhaps since you don't know the outcome in some cases of why the breakup happened,

Perhaps it's an issue on him in most cases.

So perhaps you could visualize him saying to you,

I really loved you.

I care about you.

I just did not have the strength to share that I'm going through my own things.

It is not you.

Tell yourself what you need to hear so you can re-regulate your nervous system if you don't have the truth of what he told you of why he broke up with you.

You need to write a new narrative because it's the narrative that you're telling yourself that is causing you the pain and making it worse.

Now,

If he did tell you why he broke up with you and you have the reason,

Then that's okay too.

But again,

Wrap the narrative around that in a positive way and re-frame it.

Pathways to healing.

Regulate the body first.

Regulate the body first.

Breath work,

Grounding,

Vagus nerve activation is really strong.

Create a coherent narrative through journaling and reflection like I just talked about.

Repair the attachment in safe relationships and in therapy.

So co-regulate with another human being that you trust again because your body is dysregulated.

Find a friend,

A loved one,

A mother,

A father,

A parent and get that help and reach out to family and friends who can be supportive because the neurobiology of being with loved ones that we love when we're going through heartache or grief or traumas,

It's proven to show that we're healing when we're with someone we love and we're talking it through.

So very important to co-regulate and reset and rebalance and stabilize your nervous system.

So just want to close and wrap up.

Your body isn't your enemy.

It's your witness,

Your anger,

Your grief,

Your fear,

Your rage,

Your sadness.

That's all things.

Emotions are here to tell us that,

Hey,

I'm feeling icky.

I'm feeling angry.

I'm feeling upset.

I was harmed.

These are our friends.

It's what we do with it that matters.

Breakup wounds are real,

But healing is real too.

And as you regulate and rewrite your story,

You reclaim your power.

You are the author of your next chapter.

And so I want to give you two really good things that you can do after a breakup.

Some people say,

You know,

Oh,

Wait,

Give yourself time to heal.

I believe that it is okay to move on quickly,

To find something better,

Find someone better who is a better match for you.

Many times rejection is God's protection.

So we don't see it now in the breakup,

But it's a blessing.

And in six months to a year,

Maybe longer,

You will see that once you're in a new happy relationship with someone who is adoring and loving to you,

If your past partner wasn't and broke up with you and caused a heartache.

So move on,

Move on quickly.

I have no problem with people going in and going back in dating.

And maybe you are still a little hurt and you're on the rebound.

But if you find somebody better,

You're like,

Wow,

You know,

Why did I hang on to that gross or toxic relationship?

You know,

Sometimes it's woundedness in us that holds us to a patterned toxic relationship that isn't good for us.

So I'm all about moving on and moving on quickly.

And again,

The narrative that you tell yourself,

You don't have to stay in sadness.

You can choose right now.

If you've had a very traumatic breakup,

You can say,

You know what?

I don't have to hold this in pain.

I can heal.

I can bless my partner that broke up with me.

Send him blessings and love and forgiveness is the fastest way to healing.

And I can say thank you and I can move on.

So if you'd like to join my six week trauma healing course,

I do talk about breakups.

You'll learn body-based techniques to release stored trauma.

You'll regulate your nervous system and build emotional safety.

And you'll learn lots of little tips,

Tricks and hacks to just coming out of grief and pain.

Now your body will do it in its own time as well.

We need to allow our bodies to heal,

But your mind is very powerful and you are your master creator.

You are in control of your mind.

So I teach a lot of how to really empower yourself to come out of traumas.

If it's a painful breakup,

If it's an abusive relationship,

If it's partner betrayal trauma,

If it's just something that happened to you and you're stuck,

I'm here to support you.

This is a safe journey,

A safe place,

And I will hold space for you.

So we'll learn how to regulate your nervous system and build emotional safety.

And you'll step into a new chapter of wholeness and empowerment.