You're listening to the Minutes on Growth Podcast,
The show that brings you mindfully curated insights into relationships,
Spirituality,
Personal development,
And everything in between,
With your host,
Tanaz Husseinpour.
Hi soul friends,
It's Tanaz Husseinpour,
And welcome back to another short solo episode of the Minutes on Growth Podcast.
In today's episode,
We're diving into something I see so often in sessions,
And here in sisterhood spaces,
And something I've actually experienced myself in a previous relationship,
And that is the pattern of stepping into the mothering role in romantic relationships.
This episode is not about blame or shame,
It's about awareness,
Emotional safety,
And reclaiming our feminine power in relationships,
Balancing the yin and the yang.
Because here's the truth.
When you mother your partner,
The role of girlfriend,
Lover,
Or wife becomes vacant.
I'm going to say that again.
When you mother your partner,
The role of girlfriend,
Lover,
Or wife becomes vacant.
And while it often comes from a good place,
Like wanting to support,
Help,
Or nurture,
This dynamic can slowly erode emotional intimacy,
Sexual polarity,
And mutual respect.
So let's explore how it happens,
Why it's harmful,
And what to do instead.
So let's start with some honesty.
Many of us were conditioned to overfunction,
Especially if you are a people pleaser,
The eldest daughter,
Or someone who grew up in a home where emotional labor was your love language.
So,
You might have learned that love looks like reminding him of his appointments,
Repacking his gym bag,
Cleaning up after him,
Doing his emotional processing for him.
But here's the thing,
That's not partnership,
That's parenting.
And according to relationship researcher Dr.
John Gottman,
An imbalance of responsibility can lead to resentment,
Conflict,
And feelings of being undervalued.
Now,
The Gottman Institute emphasizes that it's not necessarily about dividing tasks 50-50,
But rather about each partner feeling that their contributions are recognized and appreciated,
And mothering,
So constantly correcting,
Controlling,
Or over-managing your partner,
Can actually breed resentment on both sides.
And that's dangerous,
Because resentment can lead to contempt,
Which is a major predictor of divorce.
Their research actually shows a 93% likelihood.
So why does it breed resentment on both sides?
Well,
On the one hand,
You start to feel exhausted,
Underappreciated,
And touch-starved.
But on the other hand,
He starts to feel belittled,
Emasculated,
And pulled away from his own agency.
Which then leads to sexual polarity disappearing,
The romantic connection fading.
I actually read a beautiful quote once,
Which I think is attributed to Esther Perel,
Not fully sure,
But it says something along the lines of,
We want to have sex with someone who excites us,
Not someone who exhausts us.
Now,
Let's look at it from a different perspective.
Let's look at it from a nervous system lens.
Because stepping into the mothering role often feels safe and familiar.
It gives us a sense of control,
Especially if we fear being abandoned or disappointed.
It's the,
If I don't do it,
No one will.
But when we're always doing,
Planning,
Fixing,
Managing,
We move into hypervigilance and non-intimacy.
And true partnership thrives in interdependence,
Not caretaking.
So if this is resonating,
I don't want you to panic,
It's not a death sentence for the relationship.
But like always,
Awareness is the first step.
Once we are aware of it,
Here are some practical ways to step out of the mothering dynamic and back into your role as a partner.
So first off,
Notice the pattern without Shane.
Ask yourself,
Am I over-functioning in areas where he can step up?
Here's the important part,
Where he can step up.
And then,
Stop reminding and start releasing.
Let him hold the consequences of forgetting or messing up.
Trust that discomfort can be a teacher.
Next up,
Use I statements to reclaim that energy.
So try a statement like,
I've noticed that I've been feeling more like your manager than your partner,
And it's affecting how connected I feel.
And then invite,
Don't instruct.
So instead of directing that you should be doing this,
Invite collaboration.
Ask,
How can we both support the home or the relationship better?
Or if we want something more specific,
I'm deeply craving date nights and feeling connected to you without the kids or any other distractions.
Can you schedule that night out for us?
And by doing all of this,
We are reigniting polarity.
We are allowing ourselves to step back into our feminine,
The energy of softness,
Trust,
Receptivity,
Instead of constantly being in the doing,
Fixing energy.
Remember,
Balancing the yin and the yang is so key.
So allow yourself to flirt,
To receive,
To express,
To simply be.
So soul friends,
If you've been in this pattern like I have in the past,
I want you to know you are not wrong for being nurturing.
But love doesn't mean over responsibility.
And devotion does not mean depletion.
You deserve to be loved as a woman and not just appreciated as a caregiver.
If this episode resonated,
Feel free to share it with your loved ones.
Thank you so much for listening.
Speak soon.
Thank you for joining us this week on Minutes on Growth.
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