Boundaries Over Pleasing Others

Are you good at setting boundaries? Many of us did not learn about boundaries growing up. As a matter of fact, we were taught more about being polite than honoring our comfort level or following our instincts. I have learned and taught about boundaries for decades, and my dog Louise still takes my learning deeper. She reminds me to follow my instincts and honor my comfort level.

Transcript

A few years ago my dog Louise and I were sitting at a table outside of the Grocery store. A man walking into the store saw Louise and started admiring Her. When he got to about 15 feet from us Louise stood up and started growling. The man respected her limit. He stopped there to tell me about his dogs who were Also boxers like Louise. Louise still on alert made sure he knew she did not want Him to come closer. After telling me a little bit more about his dogs he went About his business and proceeded into the store. On our way home I found myself Comparing Louise to other dogs who let people come right up to them. I said Louise why were you not friendly to that man and as soon as I said that I heard My dog has great boundaries. I immediately apologized to her for Questioning her. The man totally respected her. Why didn't I? I was like One of those parents who make their kids hug and kiss relatives or family Friends when they don't want to. Okay well not really because I didn't make Her do anything but still. The general cultural lesson for young boys and Girls when I was a kid was that being polite was more important than Following your instincts. This was the unspoken rule when we were encouraged to Hug people we did not want to hug. What a terrible lesson for so many. Fortunately This has changed a bit since I was a child. The side effects of a lesson like This can be far-reaching for so many people. How were we supposed to know the Limit of this? What was the limit of this rule? At what point did we get to honor How we actually felt and honor our own instincts and comfort level over being Polite? Sadly many people are still following this rule. I had worked hard to Unlearn this myself and I've worked with many clients on this exact topic and There was Louise showing me where I still needed to learn. Showing me that I Still had an unhealthy expectation. Namely that she should be welcoming and Polite to any seemingly friendly person who wants to come up to her regardless Of how she feels. I wondered if I still had that expectation of myself. She makes It clear that people are going to meet her on her terms. Her motto is Don't you touch me until I have sniffed you out and I am comfortable. She made it Clear that it wasn't her job to please this man. It was her job to set Boundaries and allow herself to determine her comfort level and her Limits. It was my job to back her up. This was all really so interesting because I Imagine it was actually me she was guarding in the first place. She's such a Great teacher. She's always teaching me and she reminded me to pay closer Attention to how I actually feel when people I don't know and even those that I do know want to approach, Hug, Or kiss me. She reminded me that honoring my Comfort level is more important than being polite or pleasing to others. This Is a lesson I hope every young boy and girl learns early on. I deeply appreciate My dog Louise for helping me remember and for reminding me to take my teaching And my learning deeper. What about you? Is it as easy for you to draw Boundaries as it is for Louise? Do you worry about hurting other people's Feelings or being judged as too sensitive or too difficult? What were you Taught about politeness over boundaries or pleasing others over boundaries? Sometimes the teaching on these topics is explicit and sometimes it's implicit. We learn through observation. I personally love when people ask me are You a hugger before they hug me. It's such a considerate question and it shows Me that the person has an awareness that not everyone likes the hug just because They do. So kudos to the man who respected Louise's boundaries that day And to all the people who show such consideration when asking other people About their comfort level before assuming that everyone's comfort level Should be the same as theirs. So what about you? What have you learned about Boundaries and politeness?

Reviews

Ah, Louise is just amazing. Apologies if I mispelled her name.

Thank you this story will stick with me. It feels like the main difference to me we humans often feel shame for boundaries and animals just stay in the moment and do their thing.

What a gem of a talk to discover (now following you).💎💗🙏🏻Thank you💐. I was drawn in by (presuming) Louise’s pic, then the very relevant topic. As a survivor of childhood & adulthood trauma, I am still learning boundary-setting & the reasons behind that. I had a beautiful boxer girl for 11 wonderful years over a decade ago & every boxer I see, ignites a deep desire to hug them. But, as with people, I always ‘ask’ 1st. 💟