A few years ago my dog Louise and I were sitting at a table outside of the
grocery store.
A man walking into the store saw Louise and started admiring
her.
When he got to about 15 feet from us Louise stood up and started growling.
The man respected her limit.
He stopped there to tell me about his dogs who were
also boxers like Louise.
Louise still on alert made sure he knew she did not want
him to come closer.
After telling me a little bit more about his dogs he went
about his business and proceeded into the store.
On our way home I found myself
comparing Louise to other dogs who let people come right up to them.
I said
Louise why were you not friendly to that man and as soon as I said that I heard
my dog has great boundaries.
I immediately apologized to her for
questioning her.
The man totally respected her.
Why didn't I?
I was like
one of those parents who make their kids hug and kiss relatives or family
friends when they don't want to.
Okay well not really because I didn't make
her do anything but still.
The general cultural lesson for young boys and
girls when I was a kid was that being polite was more important than
following your instincts.
This was the unspoken rule when we were encouraged to
hug people we did not want to hug.
What a terrible lesson for so many.
Fortunately
this has changed a bit since I was a child.
The side effects of a lesson like
this can be far-reaching for so many people.
How were we supposed to know the
limit of this?
What was the limit of this rule?
At what point did we get to honor
how we actually felt and honor our own instincts and comfort level over being
polite?
Sadly many people are still following this rule.
I had worked hard to
unlearn this myself and I've worked with many clients on this exact topic and
there was Louise showing me where I still needed to learn.
Showing me that I
still had an unhealthy expectation.
Namely that she should be welcoming and
polite to any seemingly friendly person who wants to come up to her regardless
of how she feels.
I wondered if I still had that expectation of myself.
She makes
it clear that people are going to meet her on her terms.
Her motto is
don't you touch me until I have sniffed you out and I am comfortable.
She made it
clear that it wasn't her job to please this man.
It was her job to set
boundaries and allow herself to determine her comfort level and her
limits.
It was my job to back her up.
This was all really so interesting because I
imagine it was actually me she was guarding in the first place.
She's such a
great teacher.
She's always teaching me and she reminded me to pay closer
attention to how I actually feel when people I don't know and even those that
I do know want to approach,
Hug,
Or kiss me.
She reminded me that honoring my
comfort level is more important than being polite or pleasing to others.
This
is a lesson I hope every young boy and girl learns early on.
I deeply appreciate
my dog Louise for helping me remember and for reminding me to take my teaching
and my learning deeper.
What about you?
Is it as easy for you to draw
boundaries as it is for Louise?
Do you worry about hurting other people's
feelings or being judged as too sensitive or too difficult?
What were you
taught about politeness over boundaries or pleasing others over boundaries?
Sometimes the teaching on these topics is explicit and sometimes it's implicit.
We learn through observation.
I personally love when people ask me are
you a hugger before they hug me.
It's such a considerate question and it shows
me that the person has an awareness that not everyone likes the hug just because
they do.
So kudos to the man who respected Louise's boundaries that day
and to all the people who show such consideration when asking other people
about their comfort level before assuming that everyone's comfort level
should be the same as theirs.
So what about you?
What have you learned about
boundaries and politeness?
