Suffering As A Gift

When thinking about our adult life, we can to a certain degree control the amount of suffering we invite into our lives. Of course not always, and not to a full extent, but often we are aware of what situations and lifestyles come with what amount of suffering. For example, most work comes with a certain amount of suffering. So how much work is good for you? Where is the sweet spot for the right amount of suffering?

Transcript

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls.

The most massive characters are seared with scars.

This is a quote of my favorite philosopher Kahlil Gibran and is of course self-explanatory.

But is it true?

Do we need suffering?

And how much suffering do we need?

Shouldn't we aim to create a life without suffering?

Do we just listen to and read smart philosophical quotes around suffering to make us feel better?

And do we really need suffering in order to develop and grow?

I don't know the answer to all these questions,

But I do believe suffering is a gift.

I believe it is an invitation to change your life for the better.

Suffering is an opportunity.

It is a torch shining light on what you have to change and what to do next in your life.

Whether you act upon it,

Whether you develop and grow,

Is of course another choice.

Now I would like to share a story about a butterfly by an anonymous writer.

One day a small gap appeared in a cocoon through which a butterfly had to appear.

A boy who accidentally passed by stopped and watched how the butterfly was trying to get out of the cocoon.

It took a lot of time,

The butterfly was trying very hard and the gap was as little as before.

It seemed that the power would leave the butterfly soon.

The boy decided to help the butterfly.

He took a pen knife and cut the cocoon.

The butterfly immediately got out,

But its body was weak and feeble and the wings were barely moving.

The boy continued to watch the butterfly thinking that now its wings would spread and it would fly.

However,

That did not happen.

For the rest of its life,

The butterfly had to drag its weak body and wings that weren't spread.

It was unable to fly because the boy did not realize that an effort to enter through the narrow gap of the cocoon was necessary for the butterfly so that the life-giving fluid would move from the body to the butterfly's wings and that the butterfly could fly.

Life forced the butterfly to leave its shell hard so that it would become stronger and would be able to grow and develop.

If we were allowed to live without meeting difficulties,

We would not be viable.

Life gives us challenges to make us stronger.

I would like to share some thoughts around this story,

Relating it to modern society.

It is widely known that children growing up in poverty are a population at risk for being troubled.

Research has repeatedly demonstrated that low family income is a major reason for stress and social,

Emotional and behavioral problems.

This is not surprising.

If the suffering,

The problems,

The struggles and the challenges are too big,

Then the result is not progress but resentment.

Same with a cocoon.

If the cocoon would have been too strong,

The butterfly will one day give up because it is too hard to get out.

This theory is of course easy to accept and makes perfect sense.

It becomes more interesting when we look at the other side of the spectrum and where the butterfly story really relates.

Studies have shown that when parents' annual income surpasses US$150,

000,

Then the offspring are more distressed than other youth.

They show disturbingly high rates of substance use,

Depression,

Anxiety,

Eating disorders,

Cheating and stealing.

This means that taking away the suffering,

The obstacles,

The challenges is just as bad for the development of a human being as having too much suffering.

Now when thinking about our adult life,

We can to a certain degree control the amount of suffering we invite into our lives.

Of course not always and not to a full extent,

But often we are aware what situations and lifestyles come with what amount of suffering.

For example,

Most work comes with a certain amount of suffering.

So how much work is good for you?

Where is the sweet spot for the right amount of suffering?

Other relationships and self-development also come with a certain amount of suffering.

So what kind of developments and what kind of relationships bring a healthy amount of suffering that are neither too much nor too little and that serve your life?

Of course this is an ongoing negotiation but asking yourself these questions might be serving you.

I think the goal is not to eradicate suffering.

The goal is to manage how much suffering you invite into your life.

Now I would like to share another story which is not ancient but does carry some wisdom.

It is a story about perseverance when suffering.

It's the story of two little mice from the movie Catch Me If You Can.

Two little mice fell into a bucket of cream.

The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned.

The second mouse wouldn't quit.

He struggled so hard that eventually he churned that cream into butter and crawled out.

The moral of the story is clear.

It is to never give up,

To always keep going.

Here I want to mention that I do not think anyone should suffer blindly and keep going in your suffering endlessly.

I think most of us give up too easily but there is also such a thing as staying in suffering too long.

I guess the golden questions when considering quitting are what are the alternatives?

Can I still achieve something?

And am I giving up because I accept the mediocre?

Now I would like to share another ancient quote about suffering by an anonymous person.

I have learned silence from the talkative,

Toleration from the intolerant,

And kindness from the unkind.

Yet strange,

I am ungrateful to those teachers.

Let me repeat this quote.

I have learned silence from the talkative,

Toleration from the intolerant,

And kindness from the unkind.

Yet strange,

I am ungrateful to those teachers.

This quote reminds us that everything we have learned in our life is due to suffering and the people who make us suffer.

The lessons we get and thus the growth we can then achieve comes from the people we dislike the most.

I am not arguing we should all of a sudden like them and spend more time with them.

But next to our disdain for these people we can become grateful to these people for teaching us lessons and making us grow.

I truly believe that gratefulness can go along with disdain,

That one does not exclude the other.

Now I would like to share a personal story around suffering being an invitation to grow.

I am a 40 year old man and I am happily married and have been together with my partner for 10 years.

We have a son and I could not be happier with our life.

I am blessed and I am extremely grateful for everything I have created.

Now I was not very mature at a young age and it took all my 20s for myself to find me and realize what I want to create when it comes to relationships.

In my early 20s I was together with a woman for 3 years.

We were crazy for each other and we both cared deeply for each other.

We grew extremely close but I did not have the maturity to deal with a relationship.

Eventually I cheated and we broke up.

After the breakup I was literally a broken man.

I was crying every day for a year.

I was drinking a box of beer or a bottle of wine every evening for half a year.

It took me 3 years to be able to have a day without having an emotional moment thinking about my ex and the breakup.

This might all sound a bit pathetic but I went through hell.

I went through hell because of my immaturity and lack of understanding.

I am now extremely grateful for all that pain and all that suffering.

It came at a cost but I would have never been able to create a strong long lasting relationship and start a family if I wouldn't have had to grow.

I believe I am now able to create a family structure together with my wife that lasts until death separates us.

Of course I can't be sure but I feel I am able to.

This ability was not taught to me when I was young.

I had to learn it and unfortunately it came at the cost of breaking up.

It came at the cost of suffering and then learning,

Developing and educating myself how to become a man who is able to have a life partnership.

The next quote I would like to share with you deals with the dance between joy and sorrow.

When you are joyous,

Look deep into your heart,

And you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful,

Look again in your heart,

And you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

This is a strong reminder that there is not only no joy without suffering but that joy and sorrow are also strangely intertwined.

There is no ying without yang,

No day without night,

No happiness without unhappiness.

It is impossible to not have two sides of the same coin.

Also the question of how we perceive the things we do in our life is just as important as deciding what to do in our life.

We all know people that are unhappy and ungrateful no matter what they do.

I am personally surfing a lot,

And I often meet this guy in the waves who is genuinely unhappy.

No matter what the waves are like,

He just looks grim.

I often wonder how he perceives surfing.

Does he think of it as work,

As something he is forced to do?

How do you perceive your life?

How do you look at it?

And how can you change your perception,

Or even more so,

Your judgment of your perception?

Now I would like to share a beautiful story of a wise man.

People have been coming to the wise man,

Complaining about the same problems every time.

One day he told them a joke and everyone roared in laughter.

After a couple of minutes he told them the same joke and only a few of them smiled.

When he told the same joke for the third time,

No one laughed anymore.

The wise man smiled and said,

You can't laugh at the same joke over and over,

So why are you always crying about the same problem?

Why do we love to complain about the suffering that comes from things that we do not change?

Does that suffering actually serve us?

Are we secretly getting something out of that suffering?

Is that suffering something we don't actually want to change?

Even if the suffering is not really serving you,

Is there a way to make the way you are suffering more healthy?

My thoughts here are that when there is unavoidable,

Repetitive suffering,

Then find a way to embrace it.

When there is avoidable,

Repetitive suffering,

Then really challenge yourself as to why you keep suffering.

As mentioned before,

Maybe there is a reason for your suffering,

But if there is truly no reason,

Then run as fast as you can.

I believe it to be true that suffering is a gift,

An invitation to grow,

And I hope today's talk served you.

I would love to hear your thoughts,

So please let me know what you agree with and also what you don't agree with.

I hope you will have a great day today,

A day filled with plenty of suffering.

I would like to finish this talk with a quote by Nietzsche,

Which embraces a determinism in which every event is the necessary consequence of past events and suffering,

So that if one affirms any one moment,

One affirms all the moments,

Events,

And suffering which make that moment possible.

Here we go.

The first question is by no means whether we are content with ourselves,

But whether we are content with anything at all.

If we affirm one single moment,

We thus affirm not only ourselves,

But all existence.

For nothing is self-sufficient,

Neither in us ourselves nor in things.

And if our soul has trembled with happiness and sounded like a harp string just once,

All eternity was needed to produce this one event.

And in this single moment of affirmation,

All eternity was called good,

Redeemed,

Justified,

And affirmed.