How To Become A Great Father

This talk is a combination of all eight topics of "How to Become a great father" in one audio talk. All the different topics around fatherhood will be analyzed and discussed for you. The course is for soon-to-be fathers; fathers of young babies; and anyone interested in the role of the father in modern society. This course is not about how to deal with children, but how a father can grow personally. Frank Pittman said it beautifully when he wrote “The guys who fear becoming fathers don't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man. The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent." This course is designed to be a starting point for this journey.

Transcript

Ken Nurburn wrote,

It is much easier to become a father than to be one.

Becoming a father can of course be interpreted as impregnating a woman and giving a child your DNA.

This is not what this course will be about.

This course is about being able to show up as a father in the highest quality possible.

So,

Welcome to this course about becoming a father.

It fills me with joy knowing that you are listening to this.

It also fills me with joy that you are considering becoming a father or that you already are a father or that you are generally interested in the role of the father.

It fills me with joy because I know how fulfilling it is to be a father,

To have a child,

To create a family.

It is the single most meaningful and beautiful thing I have done in my life so far and I believe it has the same potential for everyone else.

Before I became a father I was unsure if I ever wanted to become a father.

I was always 50-50 around becoming a father and felt that it was up to mother nature to decide my fate.

I am extremely happy and grateful that it did happen,

That I got the opportunity to experience fatherhood.

I am saying this because I want to reassure anyone who is considering becoming a father or who is about to become a father that once the baby is in this world everything will fall into place and all or most of your doubts and worries will vanish.

I am not saying being a father is easy but I am saying it holds the potential of extreme beauty,

Fulfillment and happiness for everyone.

As Mike Myers puts it,

Anyone who tells you fatherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to you,

They are understating it.

My goal with this course is to inspire.

I want to inspire fathers or soon-to-be fathers to become more conscious of fatherhood and what it means to go on this journey.

I will try to avoid giving specific tips or warnings.

I believe that warnings create fearful expectations.

For example,

If I would say watch out for your child's behavior when they are teething,

Then subconsciously you would create an expectation of your child's behavior becoming bad when teething.

This is not serving you because this expectation will create a subconscious motivation for your child to behave badly when teething.

Your child will behave badly because your child wants to subconsciously and subconsciously fulfill your expectations.

This is just one example of you subconsciously creating fear and negative expectations.

You think you might do yourself a favor and educate yourself when reading a lot of books and listening to podcasts and maybe to a certain extent that is true.

But I would be very mindful to not let anyone create any expectations around your child's journey and also around your unique way of being a father.

So here is my first warning to you.

Don't let anyone warn you of anything.

Your child is unique and your experience will be unique.

And nobody will know better than you when it comes to your child.

Another point I want to make is that this course is not about how to deal with children but how a father can grow personally.

Frank Pittman said it beautiful when he wrote,

The guys who fear becoming fathers don't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do but something that perfects the man.

The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent.

So please enjoy this course and please let me know any thoughts,

Questions and ideas that come up along the way.

I'm curious about every man's journey when it comes to fatherhood.

I believe that fathers and fathers-to-be can all learn a lot from each other.

Usually new mothers have an insane amount of dialogue and verbal exchange between each other and thus learn a lot from each other.

This course is an inspiration for fathers to create the same mindset.

I would like to leave you with a quote by Hearn.

No man can know what life means,

What the world means,

Until he has a child and loves it.

And then the whole universe changes and nothing will ever again seem exactly as it seemed before.

The very first topic of this course around becoming a father is the mother of your child.

Way before your child is born,

Your journey as a father begins.

Your journey begins when three words have been spoken and these three words are I am pregnant.

No matter what you feel in this second,

It is not as important as you think it might be.

The way you feel in that moment is a reflection of your mental state of that very moment.

It is not a reflection of your capacity of being a father.

No matter who you are,

You have the capacity to be a great father.

So after these three magical words are spoken,

Your journey begins.

Your journey begins because,

As Howard W.

Hunter puts it,

One of the greatest things a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

And what does love in this instance mean?

Love in this instance means to be of service.

In a healthy relationship before pregnancy,

There is a balance of being in service to each other.

The man to the woman and the woman to the man.

This balance will shift now.

After the words I am pregnant are spoken,

The balance will shift slowly towards the father being in service of the mother more than the other way around.

This is natural and healthy.

This necessary unbalance will be at the height at childbirth and directly thereafter.

The father has to be in complete service of the mother and the mother will be of no service to the father.

Then gradually,

Over months and maybe years,

The balance will hopefully slowly come back to 50-50.

In my opinion,

This should take until after the woman is finished breastfeeding.

Only then will the woman come back to her normal hormonal household.

And only then shall the idea of the father being more in service to the mother than the other way around come to an end.

Now,

How can a father be of service?

A father can only truly be of service when she is a man and not a boy anymore.

A boy cannot really handle being of service because a boy himself needs attention and looking after.

A boy still needs his partner to be in service of him.

Only a man can handle the disbalance and put his needs on hold without becoming emotionally unbalanced,

Usually in the form of anger.

By the way,

I use the word boy in reference to the levels of maturity.

I'm not describing someone's age.

You can be a boy at my age,

Which is 40,

And you can be a man when you're 18.

Personally,

I believe I became a man in my early to mid-30s.

Another reason why it is so important to treat the mother right is that a potential daughter gets a blueprint of how she should be treated by a potential future partner in her adult life.

Subconsciously,

She will lean towards choosing a man who treats her similar to how her father treated her mother.

Let me share some quotes with you now.

Hartwell Walker wrote that the father's attitude about women and femininity is the same attitude the daughter will cultivate about herself.

Therefore,

Fathers should remember that their daughters are listening and watching what they say and do.

And the father's ability to model a healthy respect for women as well as his capacity to celebrate the mind of his daughter cannot be underscored.

Regardless of whether he wants the responsibility,

A father's relationship to the world and to women sets down a template that will be played out for another generation.

What all this means for a father or father figure is that he counts.

He counts a lot.

I personally think that very often fathers see themselves as the secondary caregiver to a woman.

And I think this is very true in the beginning stages,

Especially when breastfeeding.

Nevertheless,

A father matters from day one and this role will grow bigger and bigger the older a child gets.

I would now like to share one more quote with you.

Gable wrote that girls with involved,

Respectful fathers see how they should expect men to treat them and are less likely to become involved in violent or unhealthy relationships.

So plenty of great reasons to treat the mother of your child with the utmost respect and love and to be of service to her.

By the way,

If you think being of service and putting your needs on hold might be unfair,

Then take a moment to research the hormonal changes,

Stress,

Emotions,

And physical changes a mother endures.

This,

By the way,

Does not mean you should allow the mother to treat you however she pleases.

Always demand respect,

But make sure that you are not demanding service instead of respect.

Prepare yourself mentally to be of service for a long time.

The more you do so,

The less confusing this will be.

Lastly,

On the topic of the mother,

Let's talk about your sex life.

Your sex life will change.

Maybe it will even become more fun or more intense during pregnancy,

But at the latest after childbirth,

Your sexual needs will not be looked after for a while.

Again,

If you're still a boy,

Missing out on your sex life might be hard.

If you're a man and you're seeing the long-term beauty in the big picture,

You will be able to stay calm,

Find a way of release and not demand things that are not serving the mother.

The less you expect,

The less frustration you will have.

It is important you express your feelings and communicate with high quality,

But do not let your lust build unhealthy expectations.

This is the end of the module around the mother of your child.

I hope it was serving you.

If you want,

Then please take a moment to reflect on all of it and ask any questions that arise.

I would like to leave you with a quote from Nate Dallas.

Part of being a successful father is taking extreme care of our children.

The other part of that equation is that we must also take extreme care of their mother.

The next topic around becoming a father is your health.

You might have been able to get by with your level of health so far,

But it might not be enough once a baby is with you.

Don't get me wrong.

A baby will give you energy,

Joy and excitement that you can use,

But your baby will also have demands beyond the so far experienced capacities.

Your baby needs your time and energy.

And if you're already just getting by with your level of health,

Then it is time to go on a health journey.

By default,

Fatherhood demands you to be a healthy and stable person.

And here,

When talking about health,

I'm talking about physical and psychological health.

There are endless ways to increase your psychological and physical health,

And I will not list health tips now,

But I do want to stress one aspect of health.

Learn how to meditate.

When my son is a bit sick,

Unhappy or cries,

Then I immediately go into an almost meditative state.

I might not go into deep meditation,

But I'm certainly using meditation techniques to completely calm myself down.

This started to happen to me subconsciously,

And now I'm also doing it consciously.

When I carry my crying baby,

I usually tell him to keep crying however long he wants,

And I observe my breath on the tip of my nose.

I also do so when my son wakes up at night.

When he's a bit sickish,

I can be in this semi-meditative,

Semi-sleep state for hours on end.

In this calm state of mind,

I can spend half a night having my hand on his cheek to continuously check his temperature and checking in on him whenever I need.

The next morning,

I might not be perfectly rested,

But I'm not completely destroyed either.

Another great aspect of calming yourself down is that you automatically slow down your heart rate.

When you do so,

Your child will feel calm,

And it will allow your child to calm down also.

Another point I want to make is to not play hero and to accept help.

Usually the mother of your child will want to help you increase your health.

Often men then shrug that off as unimportant,

Often pretending to have no time for it.

Let the women in your life help you to be healthy.

They're doing it for your sake,

But also for the entire family's sake.

Consciously or subconsciously,

They know that a healthy man will be able to provide for them,

Protect them,

And be the anchor of the family.

One more aspect of health I want to mention is sleep.

My son usually falls asleep around 8,

And I stay in bed with him and my wife.

My wife and I will read a bit and fall asleep at 8.

30.

I will usually get up with my son around 5.

30 in the morning.

I'm well rested and I enjoy the morning time with him.

If I would get to bed later,

It would be such a drag to get up in the morning.

Look after your sleep.

Your attitude will be so much better.

So you get the picture.

Get healthy,

Like really,

Really healthy.

Look after your mind and your body,

Your temple,

So that you can show up.

This will make your journey of being a father so much easier and so much more pleasant.

A healthy father can be fully present.

He's not busy with himself too much.

He can give time and love without restrictions.

So this is the end of the module around health.

I hope it was serving you.

If you want,

Then please take a moment to reflect on all of it and ask any questions that arise.

Now we have arrived at the next topic around becoming a father,

Which is time.

Let me start this section with a quote by Theodore Roosevelt.

There are many kinds of success in life worth having.

It is exceedingly interesting and attractive to be a successful businessman or a railwayman or a farmer or a successful lawyer or doctor or a writer or a president or a ranchman or the colonel of a fighting regiment or to kill grizzly bears and lions.

But for unflagging interest and enjoyment,

A household of children,

If things go reasonably well,

Certainly makes all other forms of success and achievement lose their importance by comparison.

I very much agree with these words,

And I absolutely think that your levels of enjoyment have the biggest potential with your children.

Now for your personal journey,

This might be important to understand because many new fathers think they need to spend more time than ever at work advancing their careers.

This is,

I think,

A very dangerous approach.

I think after the basic needs like rent,

Food,

Health,

And transport are covered,

Then your child will benefit way more from your time and not your extra money.

I understand that everyone's circumstances are different and that some people can afford more time than others.

But please challenge yourself to become more conscious of your time and how you spend it.

Do not miss out on all the moments that are possible to be experienced with your child.

Time will fly.

If you spend tons of time with your child,

You will not miss out on other things.

If you create time for your family,

If you can connect with them and love them,

Then you're not missing out on anything.

Time spent with your family is incomparable,

More fulfilling than anything else.

Allow yourself to become completely aware of the value of time spent with your family.

For me,

The greatest suffering in the hardest times I endured with my child was more enjoyable and interesting than the best party I ever went to.

This might sound exaggerated.

It's not.

I would now like to share what Marcus Aurelius suggested for fathers.

Neither glorify,

Privilege,

Nor romanticize poverty.

Self-reliance always and cheerfulness.

The way a father handled the material comforts that fortune had supplied him in such abundance,

Without arrogance and without apology.

If they were there,

He took advantage of them.

If not,

He didn't miss them.

I think Marcus has a very healthy way to go about this topic of money and fortune for fathers.

He doesn't make it either more or less important than it is.

He understands that being content with whatever a father has is the most important trait.

Your child will not become an adult by experiencing your wealth.

Your child will become an adult by experiencing how content you are with what you have,

No matter the amount.

And being content with money,

In my opinion,

Means that you don't glorify money and that you see your time as more valuable than money.

Embrace money when it's there,

Sure.

But above all,

Have a healthy attitude towards it,

Without attachment.

Don't expect it.

Endlessly strive for it or miss it when it is not there in abundance.

Now,

Marcus has another great quote,

Which describes the strength necessary to be able to feel self-worth and confidence when not making or collecting tons of money.

Marcus claims the following about a healthy father who does not glorify money.

No one ever called him glib or shameless or pedantic.

They saw him for what he was,

A man tested by life,

Accomplished,

Unswayed by flattery,

Qualified to govern both himself and them.

No matter how rich you are,

If you can provide the basic needs for your child,

Then you are able to be a great father.

This is very important because your self-worth and level of confidence will create your child's feeling of security.

Don't anchor your self-worth and confidence in how much money you can make for your child.

Anchor your self-worth around the attitude and quality time you spend with your child.

This will be much stronger,

Secure and healthy.

And it will also create a much stronger bond between you and your child.

This is the end of the part around time.

I hope it was serving you and I hope it was time well spent for you.

If you want,

Then please take a moment to reflect on all of it and ask any questions that arise.

I would like to leave you with a quote by an unknown writer.

A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.

Our next topic around fatherhood is to be a tree.

Often the metaphor of being the rock is used when talking about fatherhood.

But I think a tree is much more fitting.

Let me explain what I mean by being a tree.

In order to be a great father,

You need to be able to tap into your masculinity.

If asked of you,

You need to be able to be a guidant.

You need to be able to offer strength and certainty without dominance.

You need to be able to be strict without being controlling.

You need to be able to be firm without being harsh.

You need to be able to make the right decisions,

Not the easy ones.

You need to be strong but flexible.

You need to be a tree.

Now if my words seem too big and make you a bit uncomfortable and anxious,

Then do not worry too much.

As John Green said,

The nature of impending fatherhood is that you're doing something that you're unqualified to do and then you become qualified while doing it.

Not everything will come all at once.

Take your time to let fatherhood come to you.

Trust it and it will be joyful.

Let us look at another point,

Why being a tree is so important.

It is important because kids look to you to know how to respond to stress.

If they fall down and you stay calm,

They stay calm.

If you freak,

They freak.

It is your behavior that they will feel inspired by.

Now I would like to further this point a bit.

I would like to argue that it is not just your outward behavior,

The way you react and express yourself that inspires your child.

It is also your energetic feeling inside,

The way you feel in your chest.

How big is your anxiety,

Anger or sadness in your chest?

All of these emotions are valid and should be within you,

But if they are in an unhealthy amount,

Your child will pick up on it.

No matter how well you think you can hide them.

So again,

Be a tree.

When the wind of emotions blows through you,

Bend a little.

Let your leaves rattle,

But don't let the wind of emotions blow you over and make you move and erupt uncontrollably.

Always keep being a sturdy tree.

The next quote I would like to share with you is from George Herbert.

He says that one father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.

Now,

At first sight,

This quote seems a bit old school.

Schoolmasters are not fun.

They're usually only trying to control the child.

I wouldn't necessarily argue with that,

But I would like to give my take on this quote.

I think the beauty of this quote is that it deals with boundaries.

Now let me explain why boundaries are important.

It is in the child's nature to explore boundaries.

They behave in a way where they go right to the edge of boundaries.

And if you do not set strong enough boundaries when your child is young,

Then your child will have no framework of where and when to stop in their lives.

He or she will most likely become an uncontrollable teenager and most likely experiment heavily with substances.

On the other hand,

If you set too many boundaries or too strong boundaries,

Your child will be anxious to explore.

He or she will not want to discover the world or dare try anything new by themselves.

Your child will become a shell of themselves and wither away at home and accept their own misery as their life to live.

Boundaries are important,

So don't be shy to create them.

Here's another reason why a tree is a great metaphor when it comes to creating boundaries.

There are a few boundaries that are like a tree trunk.

They are non-negotiable.

Your child will quickly learn that if you use a certain tone or certain words,

You're speaking like a tree trunk and your child will accept the boundary immediately.

Other boundaries are like big branches of a tree.

They are very firm,

But they are able to move very slightly.

To a very small degree,

They are negotiable.

These are the boundaries a child will test the most because there is wiggle room,

But not a lot.

Then there are boundaries that are like thin branches.

They do have strength,

But they are negotiable and flexible.

They are fun and they can be discussed in a light-hearted way between you and your child.

Lastly,

There are boundaries that are like leaves.

They can blow into any direction at any time.

They're not really boundaries,

But merely suggestions for your child.

In your boundaries,

Have a good mix of all of them and feel comfortable creating them as a father.

You are allowed to create any kind of boundary as long as it serves you and your family.

My next point about being a tree is that you're at times a bouncer.

A tree can be gentle,

But a tree is definitely strong and can shield anything and anyone away from your child that you do not seem fit for him or her.

So at the entrance gate of your child's life,

There is a strong bouncer and that is you.

The bouncer checks everything and everyone who might come into your child's life.

This can be your child's friends,

Teachers,

Neighbors,

Nannies,

But it can also be things like books,

Cell phones,

Toys,

Screens,

And certain places.

Literally anything that happens in your child's life has to move past you.

Jonathan Safran Foer said,

When you're a dad,

There's no one above you.

If I don't do something that has to be done,

Who is going to do it?

It is not fun to be a bouncer.

You're sometimes the one who spoils the party.

You decide who and what comes close and who doesn't.

Don't ever doubt yourself.

Don't ever be scared to hurt feelings if you have to.

You are the protector of your child.

Take on that responsibility.

Now I would like to share a little personal story here.

When my son was born,

I decided that the only people who would touch him for the first three months of his life were my wife and I,

My wife's sister,

My mother,

And our nanny.

We lived abroad and if there was more family close by,

I would have most likely been okay with other family members grabbing my baby.

On a side note,

There were numerous instances in my son's first year of life where I took him away from family members because I could feel he was becoming uneasy.

Often people were offended and I could never care less.

Anyway,

Back to the first three months.

After one month of my son's birth,

We had some friends visiting and one of our friends was appalled that she couldn't hold the baby.

She repeatedly asked me for reasoning.

Eventually,

I grabbed my friend without warning.

I hugged her and held her tight without asking for permission.

My friend and I hugged numerous times before,

But this one came out of nowhere and lasted a lot longer than usual hugs,

Hello,

Or goodbye.

She was surprised,

Uncomfortable,

And irritated.

After 10 seconds,

I asked her if she could feel the overwhelming energy of being so close and intimate with another human being.

She said yes.

I asked her if she could feel the discomfort of being held by a physically stronger person without giving permission,

Even though we are great friends and we like each other.

She said yes.

Then,

While I was holding her,

I told her that as long as my son cannot express himself as to what energies he wants to be close with for how long,

I will decide for him.

I am my son's bouncer.

I am his tree.

That is non-negotiable.

Three months later,

At a dinner party,

Most of my friends,

Including that specific friend I hugged,

Would take turns grabbing my baby and walking around with him.

At one moment,

My friend grabbed me,

Took me to the side,

And told me she wanted to tell me something.

She revisited our hug and she told me she will expect her partner to act exactly the same way whenever she will have a baby with him.

I want to leave this section of the tree with a quote of Marcus Aurelius again,

Where he enumerates his father's vigorous virtues.

Compassion.

Unwavering adherence to decisions once he'd reached them.

Indifference to superficial honors.

Hard work.

Persistence.

Listening to anyone who could contribute to the public good.

His dark determination to treat people as they deserved.

A sense of when to push and when to back off.

His ability to feel at ease with people and put them at their ease without being pushy.

What a beautiful way to describe the male parent figure.

The father.

This is the end of the part around being a tree.

I hope it was serving you and I hope you feel the tree growing.

If you want,

Then please take a moment to reflect on all of it and ask any questions that arise.

The next topic I would like to talk about is trust.

It is maybe the biggest topic of fatherhood.

The importance of trusting yourself or even more so trusting your instincts.

I truly believe that your instincts are more important than any information in any book you read,

Any podcast you listen to,

Any doctor's advice,

Any study you read,

Any expert's opinions.

When it comes to your child,

Your instincts are a million times more valuable than the words I speak right now.

I truly believe this and I truly believe that deep down you know best for your child.

I believe this to be true because you're connected with your child emotionally,

Mentally,

Energetically,

And spiritually.

This inherent connection means that no one else in this world is equipped better than you to understand your child.

Mother nature or God or DNA,

Whatever you want to call it or believe in,

Connects you to your child in a way that is separate from the rest of the world.

This confidence and trust I had from the day my boy was born took me by surprise.

I always thought fatherhood was something that I had to learn.

Now I know all the instincts I need to care for my child are given to me by birth.

It's the external judgment about how to be a father that we have to unlearn.

Before I became a father,

I asked a very good friend of mine how I should prepare,

What books to read,

What podcasts to listen to.

She said,

Listen and read absolutely nothing,

Zero.

You will just try to be a version of other parents and that is not fitting for your child.

Just trust yourself.

Back then this seemed a bit extreme but now I don't think it is.

Trust your instincts.

Take responsibility and trust your instincts no matter if everyone does the same as you or whether everyone does the opposite.

Your instincts are valid.

Now let me talk a bit more about ways you can find trust and confidence in your instincts.

The first thing to do is to not aim to be perfect but rather aim to be the best version you can be.

Another important component is to not compare yourself to others.

You are the unique child and you are a unique father.

No other family is like you.

So don't compare yourself.

The next point I want to make is to never think you are important.

You don't need a sense of importance because by default your partner and you are the most important people in your child's life already.

You don't need to add self-importance to that.

Your child trusts you.

Your child trusts your instincts.

Your child expects you to be guided by your instincts.

Trust your instincts and your child will trust you as a result.

I would like to leave the topic of trust with a quote by Tom Wolfe.

I made the terrible discovery that men make about their father sooner or later.

That the man before him was not an aging father but a boy.

A boy much like himself.

A boy who grew up and had a child of his own and,

As best as he could,

Out of a sense of duty and perhaps love,

Adopted a role called being a father so that his child would have something mythical and infinitely important.

A protector who would keep a lid on all the chaotic and catastrophic possibilities of life.

I love this quote as it shows that even though you might doubt yourself at times,

You need to trust yourself in order to cater for your child's needs,

Which is to protect first and foremost.

This is the end of the part around trust.

I hope it was serving you and I hope you are already trusting yourself a bit more.

If you want,

Then please take a moment to reflect on all of it and ask any questions that arise.

Now that we have looked at the masculine strength that is required of a father,

Let us also look at the softness that is required.

Let us talk about being a cuddle bear for your child.

Cuddling is extremely important for a long list of reasons and it is often something that is hard to do for lots of men.

There is often a misconception that being soft with your child makes you appear weak.

I don't think that is true.

I think being soft with your child is extremely important.

I would argue that a father who is in touch with his masculine side,

With his strength,

Can allow himself to be soft and cuddly whenever needed.

As a matter of fact,

It is the confidence from being in touch with the fire,

The anger,

The strength,

The muscles and the protective mechanisms that allow a father to be soft in a healthy way at any time.

Darnell Walker wrote,

I don't need you,

But the world,

Sometimes,

Seems more peaceful and manageable when holding someone.

Imagine the happiness you will experience by making your child's life more peaceful and manageable.

It is so easy.

So,

Being cuddly and soft are extremely important because above everything,

Your tactile attitude to your child will make your child feel loved.

It will give your child the sense of security needed to become a functioning adult.

Don't underestimate how important it is for your child to fall asleep in your arms.

Also,

The feeling of your child falling off to sleep in your arms is as close to heaven as I have been on this earth.

Allow yourself to bathe in it.

Don't be reluctant.

Let it overwhelm you.

Cry if you have to,

But don't reject it.

I am and often have been overwhelmed by my love for my child.

I have been crying many,

Many times just because my child smiled at me or hugged me.

I always stayed with it.

I never shied away from it.

It never made me feel weak or unmasculine.

I am very happy that I am old enough that I can embrace this softness and allow it to happen.

I am melting around my child and I am happy I can do so.

I think just a couple of generations back,

Fathers were usually not supposed to be cuddle bears.

I think the judgment of society and their own insecurity made them shy away from being soft with their children.

I am a huge advocate of men being as masculine as they can be.

And I am even a bigger advocate of men being soft cuddle bears.

I don't think one excludes the other.

I would suggest to put a permanent end to that thought if you have,

That one cannot exist with the other.

Hug your kids every chance you get.

Squeeze them until they can't help but notice how much you love them.

On a side note.

I highly recommend co-sleeping.

I recommend sleeping in the same bed as your baby.

Being half awake and putting my nose in my son's neck to smell him and check his temperature has become so automatic I barely notice it when I do it anymore.

I love being so close to my son and being present with him.

Also,

If you can,

Get up with your baby and give your wife an extra hour.

She is the one breastfeeding and she is often the one with an even lighter sleep than you.

By the way,

My son only started really actively cuddling by himself when he was one and a half years old.

Before that he was breastfeeding and only after breastfeeding did he actively ask for cuddles.

Of course,

Before he would fall asleep in my arms sometimes or I would hug him.

But he never really needed to cuddle.

So be patient.

Let the cuddles come to you.

Be a cuddle bear without expecting cuddles for you.

Offer and see what you receive.

It will happen eventually.

Now,

Apart from the emotional and spiritual connection you will have with your child when cuddling,

You can also look at the scientific importance.

There are a lot of studies around transferal of microbiome.

So not just cuddle with your child,

But also cuddle skin to skin whenever you can.

You can research this topic if you want to.

I never did,

Mostly because my wife has a PhD in molecular genetics and knows these things way better than me anyway.

The child psychologist Narvaez wrote,

Sometimes we have parents that say,

You're going to spoil the baby if you pick them up when they are feeling distressed.

No,

You can't spoil a baby.

You're actually ruining the baby if you don't pick them up.

You're ruining their development.

Part of it is following your instincts because we as parents want to hold our children.

We want to keep that child close.

Follow that instinct.

We want to keep the child quiet and happy because the cry is so distressing.

It is on purpose,

So you don't let it happen.

So follow the instinct to hold,

Play,

Interact.

That is what you want to do.

So this leads me to my last point,

Which is talking about the question if you can cuddle your baby too much or whether you spoil them.

I would argue that it is impossible to spoil your baby by cuddling.

There are a lot of ways you can spoil your child rotten and create a spoiled immature mama's boy.

But I believe cuddling is not a part of that.

Also,

According to science,

You can't cuddle your baby too much.

Instead,

Touch is crucial to a baby's development and actually has some pretty major benefits when it comes to brain development.

Research on mammal development has demonstrated that primate babies would prefer physical closeness over trying to find food.

That is how strong their need for cuddles are.

Ultimately,

Science shows that for babies,

Touch is literally life-saving.

You can't hold a baby too much.

So let your child melt you.

Be a cuddle bear.

One last point I want to make here that is somewhat related to being a cuddle bear.

Allow yourself to be silly and goof around with your child.

Your child's sense of humor is silly,

Immature,

Childish humor.

Allow yourself to be as silly as a baby when goofing around.

Often I find that cuddling and silly goofing around go hand in hand.

This is the end of the part around being a cuddle bear.

I hope it was serving you and I hope you will be cuddled by someone very soon.

If you want,

Then please take a moment to reflect on all of it and ask any questions that arise.

I would like to finish this part with a quote by Nitya Rakasch,

Who wrote about her dad.

I hope you remember me for all the moments that we'd spent in each other's hugs and all the soft ways my little existence made you happy.

Let me start the next topic with a quote.

Robert Flon wrote,

Don't worry that children never listen to you.

Worry that they are always watching you.

So the last topic around fatherhood is to inspire.

I will attempt to explain why it is so important to be an inspiration to your child.

Charles Kettering said,

Every father should remember one day his son will follow his example,

Not his advice.

So when I talk about inspiration,

I definitely do not mean inspire him with what you say to him or her.

Your words to your child are important,

But they do not in any way inspire your child.

It is your behavior that inspires your child.

It is your actions that inspire your child.

This means that in order for you to inspire,

You need to live a life worth inspiring.

But what does that look like,

A life worth inspiring?

Does that mean you have to become a sports star or a millionaire?

I do not think so at all.

I think in order to live a life worth inspiring,

You need to be kind to people and people need to deem you worthy of their kindness.

That is my definition of it.

If your child observes you being kind to others and being worthy of receiving kindness from others,

Your child will strive to be like you.

Of course,

There can be a lot more to be an inspiration.

I would like to share another quote from Marcos Aurelios that I think gives further reasons for a child to be inspired by his or her father.

Marcos talks about a father's dedication to true critical thinking and his refusal to let people pleasing warp the father's integrity.

A father searching questions at meetings.

A kind of single-mindedness,

Almost never content with first impressions,

Or breaking off the discussion prematurely.

His restrictions on acclamations and all attempts to flatter him.

And his attitude to man,

No troublemaker,

No currying favor,

No pandering,

Always sober,

Always steady,

And never vulgar or a prey to fantasy.

This quote might be a bit airy-fairy,

But I love the description of the behavior needed to inspire a child.

A reminder again,

It is only your behavior that inspires children,

Not your words.

Here I want to take a moment to suggest that you truly live a life worth inspiring.

I suggest you don't attempt to fake it,

To just be a certain version of yourself when you are around your child.

There are two main reasons for this.

First of all,

Not being able to be yourself around your child will make you hate spending time with your child eventually.

Secondly,

Your child will know you are faking it anyway.

Every little thing you do will be observed and digested by your child.

The very first being the way you treat your child's mother,

The last being how drunk you become at your child's 18th birthday party.

Don't try to be perfect,

But try and live a life that is inspiring.

This is the end of the part around being an inspiration.

I hope it was serving you,

And I hope it inspired you to become an inspiration.

If you want,

Then please take a moment to reflect on all of it and ask any questions that arise.

I would like to finish this part with a quote from Iain Morgan Cron,

Who writes,

A boy needs a father to show him how to be in the world.

He needs to be given swagger,

Taught how to read a map,

So that he can recognize the roads that lead to life and the paths that lead to death.

How to know what love requires and where to find steel in the heart when life makes demands on us that are greater than we think we can endure.

Now we have arrived at the final part.

And as mentioned at the very beginning,

I never wanted to give warnings and also not really specific tips.

As already mentioned before,

Everyone's journey as a father is different and unique,

And what might work for me does not have to work for you.

John Willmott wrote,

Before I got married,

I had six theories about raising children.

Now I have six children and no theories.

Having said this,

I did once write a list for a friend who asked me for my general quick tips when my first child was three months old.

I'm a bit reluctant to share it,

But I will do so anyway,

Because I shared it with some other new fathers and it served them well.

I want to stretch again that you know best and that these might not be the right tips for you.

But if you can make use of one of them,

Then my sharing was already worth it.

So,

Here are my tips.

Feel more,

Think less.

Show up with the least amount of anxiety possible.

Give endless love and cuddles.

Find amazing fathers from amazing children and talk to them.

Don't ask your child too many questions.

For example,

Instead of what makes you cry or what is it,

You can say,

Daddy's here,

You just cry.

Or instead of what do you want to eat,

You can say,

Here is your apple.

Don't make things complicated.

Let your baby move freely when possible,

Especially its arms and legs at night.

Make silly baby noises.

Co-sleep,

Get a sausage pillow if need be.

Check the temperature by kissing and touching.

Don't analyze what your baby feels and thinks,

Just be present and attentive.

Don't be hyper-reactive.

Go see an osteopath early,

They do wonders.

We love natural remedies like Mama Natura Coli Kind for tummy issues and Vibrocol for restlessness and fever.

Don't use perfume,

Cologne,

Perfume soap or deodorant.

Your baby loves to smell you and just you.

After feeding,

Hold your baby upright a bit for burps.

Grab your baby,

Sing love and dance and cuddle as often as possible.

Make it lie slightly on the side with cushions sometimes so it doesn't only lie flat on the back.

Put it naked in a carrier on your naked chest.

Make guttural and repetitive noises or hum to calm down your baby.

There are many more,

But this is the end of my original list.

Now,

I would like to thank you for listening to me.

For me,

It is the most meaningful thing in the world to observe happy children.

It touches me like nothing else.

Nothing else even comes close to seeing happy families,

Caring fathers.

It touches my heart.

And if there was even one word worth your time in this talk,

Then I have succeeded.

Please let me know any questions or comments that you have.

I love hearing from you.

And now I would like to leave you with some wise words by my favorite philosopher,

Kahlil Gibran.

Your children are not your children.

They are sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.

They come through you,

But not from you.

And though they are with you,

Yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love,

But not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies,

But not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

Which you cannot visit,

Not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

But seek not to make them like you.

Reviews

So much incredible wisdom in here! Thank you very much for sharing this, I feel so much excitement for the prospect of my first child being born in 6 months!