Releasing Your Anger & Finding Your "No" (Live Class 1-21)

The path to better boundaries is felt through cleanly feeling your anger. Anger as an emotion gets suppressed and avoided until it squeaks out in unhelpful ways. But when we directly allow it and feel it we end up finding where we feel uncomfortable or unsafe and knowing a clear action to take on it.

Transcript

So,

Today's class is actually very timely for me,

Because in the last 24 hours,

I allowed myself to get really angry at two different organizations,

Neither of which I'll talk about specifically what organizations they are.

But,

Needless to say,

Some decisions they made or some actions that they took really infuriated me.

And I allowed myself,

Unfortunately,

Over the last 24 hours,

To sink into the anger.

I did not do a good job.

I did not practice what I preached over the last 24 hours.

So,

This is a really good opportunity for me to remind not just you,

But myself.

And I'm going to tell you the story without using the specifics,

To see what the goal of this is,

And what the purpose of doing something like this is.

Because,

I'm going to say a statement and let it sink in.

Anger,

Cleanly felt,

Is your no.

Anger,

Cleanly felt,

Is only your body saying,

A boundary has been crossed.

I do not feel comfortable.

We are going to have to do something about this.

That's what it is.

But,

We don't often get the opportunity to feel anger in this way,

Because we were taught,

Growing up,

When we were rebelling against school or family or friends,

That it wasn't okay.

And we learned that anger isn't okay.

But the goal is for them to recognize,

To say,

I don't actually want you to challenge me in this area.

I don't want someone else to say no.

That's what they're really saying.

They're not saying that anger isn't okay.

They're saying that when you get angry,

You're saying no,

Setting a boundary,

And expressing your personal power.

And sometimes,

It is out of your control.

If you're a toddler and saying,

I don't want to go to bed,

Your parents do get to say when you're going to go to bed.

When you're in school,

It's arguable and questionable,

Depending on your parents and political system,

Whether you have to sit there and be in that environment.

But your anger is the part within you that is saying,

No,

I don't want to put up with this.

I don't want to do this.

This doesn't feel comfortable,

And I'm going to do something about it.

But the problem is this.

When we're afraid of our anger,

When we don't feel comfortable with our anger,

When we don't know how to cleanly feel through our own anger and come to our own decision of what we are going to do within our own power,

Then we turn it around and our anger comes out as manipulation and rage.

And the reason this happens makes a lot of sense,

A lot of sense,

Because if I don't believe that you are going to respect a boundary that I set,

Then I'm going to subtly try to convince you to change your mind,

Whether that's through criticism or being over-pleasant or snappiness or needling or through outright rage.

Because if I don't believe that I have the power to change the situation,

To make a decision,

Then I am going to project that power on you,

And I am going to try to change you instead of changing my own actions.

Say that one more time because I don't think it was that clean.

If I am unwilling to accept my own capability to make decisions in this situation,

My own power,

My own boundary,

My own no,

I'm going to try to change you so that I don't have to do it.

And that's where anger causes problems in society and with many people because they think that it's not okay to get angry because they're associating anger with rage and yelling.

Rage and yelling is someone projecting their anger out at someone else saying,

Maybe if I behave this way they'll do what I want.

Or they think about anger in terms of passive aggression,

Needling,

Critical judgment,

Very traditionally feminine in society ways of convincing you to change your behavior without outright expressing it.

Neither of those are actually anger.

They're fear of your anger,

But knowing that something has to be done and trying to change another person rather than exploring and taking action for yourself.

And that's exactly what I did a poor job with yesterday.

With two organizations,

I spent too much of my mental energy thinking about how I was going to change them,

How their behavior was bad,

How I'm going to rationalize it,

Rather than sitting with and saying,

Now that I know this information,

What am I going to do?

What am I going to do differently?

And my mind would always want to recycle back to what they need to do differently and how I can get them to behave differently.

But most of that was wasted energy because they're not going to.

These are large organizations.

They have entrenched patterns.

They have entrenched interests.

There are things that they do that make sense for them with choices they've made.

I am one ten thousandth,

One one hundred thousandth for both of these organizations of an input,

And they've been designed really specifically.

My voice getting angry or frustrated is just going to waste my time and energy.

But we want to believe that because we often don't want to accept that the only thing within my power is my choice to make a change.

And this happens everywhere.

This happens in a relationship when we don't want to accept that we already know the person we're dating.

We know them inside and out,

And we know their behavior.

And they could change in a healthy relationship going back and forth,

But they're not choosing to at the moment.

And if we accept who they are,

Then we have to decide what we're going to do.

So we don't accept who they are and try to change it so that we don't have to set a boundary or make an uncomfortable decision.

When someone comes home from work and is complaining and complaining and complaining about their workmates and saying,

If only they did this,

If I talked to them this way,

If I read this book,

If I try this thing,

Rather than saying,

This is what it is,

What am I going to do?

And that's what anger allows you to do.

When you cleanly feel your anger,

Which we're going to practice very carefully today,

Then you set a boundary.

You figure out that within my power is actually this thing that I can do.

And you make the choice to do it.

You know you've cleanly felt your anger when it's no longer if this person doesn't or this organization or this thing doesn't happen,

Then I'm going to do this.

And I'm going to use something to try to change them into,

I'm not willing to put up with this anymore.

And this is what I'm going to do.

And what I'm going to do isn't dependent on anything else that anyone else does.

If that makes sense,

And everybody's ready to practice that today.

First,

We're going to ground.

Then we're going to talk some more and answer any questions.

And then we're going to do a meditation.

But I'm going to say this ahead of time and say it before then.

This is meditation I'm a little scared to do when I can't see your faces,

Because it really involves acting out.

And so I'm going to ask,

And I'm going to remind people before the meditation,

If you can't make it to the end,

Or to after the meditation,

Please don't do it.

Because the last thing that I want is someone to get in the middle of feeling angry and feeling this,

And then skip out and start to make a bad phone call,

Make a rash decision,

Tell somebody,

Speak their mind to somebody and further damage their life without getting all the way through.

So this is a rough one,

Not because anger is bad,

But because people have a capacity to feel their anger,

And they have a tendency to project it outwards to try to force someone else to change,

Rather than experience it fully within themselves.

So I'll warn you before the meditation,

But please make sure.

Yes,

Emerald,

I believe this will be posted,

I want to be careful.

But you can listen up until the meditation,

We won't get really activated before that.

But so I just do want to be careful.

This class has been requested over and over and over again.

But it isn't,

It's a bit of a leaky container.

So I'm trusting everyone here to be reminded of what our goal is.

So first,

Let's go ahead and ground down.

And we're going to ground specifically with the kinds of things that we need to be able to do in order to feel this.

So go ahead,

Find a comfortable position.

Close your eyes.

Take a deep breath.

Let it out with a sigh.

See if you can find the emotional sensations.

I'm going through your body right now.

Without reacting to them.

They come in one of two forms.

The first is a physical sensation,

A tightness in your chest,

Tension in your jaw,

A tight throat,

Flushing or a feeling of redness.

Somewhere in your body where you're feeling a sensation that tells you what you're feeling.

Or a story,

A story in your head that is perpetuating the feeling.

Because something we don't like to accept is that sensations only last 90 seconds.

And those are our true feelings.

But we have a tendency to keep repeating stories that extenuate the sensations to keep ourselves angry,

To keep ourselves sad,

To keep ourselves feeling the moment.

So become aware.

And just settle in to the idea that all you really have going for you are sensations and stories.

And if you can feel these sensations and stories without getting up out of the chair and needing to react,

Solve,

Or fix them,

Then you truly gain freedom.

That also doesn't mean suppress them or think about something else.

We want to resolve them or re-solve them because they're coming from the past and we didn't resolve them in that moment,

So they're coming back up.

So for two more minutes,

Just breathe and notice the sensations in your body and the stories you're telling about them without needing to react.

If you find yourself following the story like you got on the train and you're arguing with it,

That's okay.

Come back to watching the story without shame or judgment.

See if you can notice what sensations you can allow to happen and what sensations start to rile you up because you don't want to feel them and that you start to manufacture stories because that's what I want to remind you of today.

All feelings need to be felt.

All feelings get processed through.

But feelings are sensations,

And that doesn't mean those sensations aren't valuable.

They're a sensation that gives you information that are meant to be felt,

Heard,

Acted on,

And released.

But when we tell stories to avoid the information,

To suppress it,

To reject it,

To rationalize it,

Then we never get to resolve or solve it.

We never hear the message.

So our goal today is to feel the sensation,

Move it through us,

And hear the message clearly so that we can act.

And this is preparation to do that.

So now,

Take a moment,

And we'll start to move ourselves out by wiggling our fingers and our toes.

Ah,

By yawning or stretching.

Ah.

And when you feel ready,

Go ahead and open your eyes.

There's a couple things that we want to know about anger before we start.

First,

Anger is a sensation that simply says,

This isn't okay.

And you want to know and be able to track it in your body.

Because anger is going to show up either in your gut,

Your chest,

It's going to flood you.

Because in one way,

Shape,

Or form,

Your body's preparing to fight flight.

Or freeze.

It's saying this situation is not safe.

It is not comfortable.

And we need to do something about it.

And the problem is,

Pretty reasonably,

If our anger was shut down,

If our boundaries were shut down too often,

And too without context,

We learned that anger is never okay.

Because there are certain ages in which we try to express our boundaries in the world.

Namely,

The terrible twos.

Seven and eight years old.

And as a teenager.

And all that is,

Is you trying to carve out what power do I have in this world?

What control do I have over my environment?

What do I get to say yes to and no to?

What are the limits of what I am able to ask?

And that's where we've learned what I can control and what I can't control.

And effective parenting would teach you,

You can ask for whatever you want.

But if it's not within your control,

Then you're up to the other person.

You're up to whether they're willing to do it.

But we often don't get effective parenting.

And we're told,

Don't get angry.

Don't act out.

Don't do these things.

Rather than saying and being taught,

Right now you're experiencing a desire for your own freedom,

For your own choice,

For your own this.

In these circumstances and situations right now,

You have it,

But these you don't because your parent is taking care of you.

Our school is taking care of you.

But in the future,

You will be able to decide for yourself and make your own choices.

And each time someone might say,

I now trust you to make this kind of choice.

So as crazy as that sounds,

You need anger.

You need it clearly.

But we grew up in a society that suppresses it because it's inconvenient.

It is inconvenient to have a child say,

I don't want to go to school.

I don't see the point of it.

It is inconvenient for all sorts of reasons and ways to say,

This isn't mine.

I don't want to be here.

But we often forget that now as an adult,

We have much more leverage,

Much more control.

And we have the ability to say no.

There may be consequences to saying no because other people don't necessarily have to follow along.

They don't have to agree.

They don't have to accept.

And they get to react in any way that they want up to the point in which we say,

No,

This isn't acceptable.

But hidden beneath any anger is simply a sensation that says,

No,

No,

I will not put up with this.

No,

I do not feel comfortable with this.

No,

I don't want to be in this environment.

No,

I don't want to do this thing.

No,

I don't want to go to this place.

No,

I don't want to be spoken to this way.

That's all it is.

But when we don't allow ourselves to feel our anger cleanly,

Which would come out as,

No,

I don't want to do this.

I'm sorry that you want to,

But I'm uncomfortable.

When we don't feel like that's acceptable,

We go in one of two directions or three.

We suppress it and sublimate it and end up resentful.

Very familiar to a lot of people.

We avoid it.

We suppress it.

We hold it back.

And we hold it within our body,

Getting angrier and angrier and more resentful and more frustrated,

But not acting it out.

Doesn't work very well.

Doesn't make you very happy.

And it's not allowing your own power.

Or two,

Projecting it out on the other person and saying,

The other person needs to change their behavior.

They're the one that needs to change.

And I need to figure out a way to get them to change rather than remembering my own choice in the matter,

Which comes out in one of two ways.

Rage,

Anger,

Yelling,

Or passive aggression.

When people are passively aggressive,

They might be needling,

Which is poking you.

They might be criticizing.

They might be making small comments.

They might be making a mean comment about it.

They might be saying it from the side.

They might be saying it under their voice.

They might be saying it to other people who they know are going to speak to you.

They might be not owning what they really want,

But saying a comment.

All of those are anger,

Trying to push out,

Trying to say,

I don't want to do this.

I'm not comfortable with this.

But they don't work because they try to control and manipulate another person.

And deep down,

Everyone knows that and feels it.

So all you do is end up with one of two things.

You end up with somebody getting angry back at you because you're trying to manipulate them.

Or you end up with somebody doing it,

Which is very common in relationships up to a point,

But being really resentful about it because no one likes to be controlled.

No one likes to be manipulated.

It doesn't feel good.

We don't like it when other people do it to us and they don't like it when we do it to them.

But if we don't feel like we can cleanly get our desires met without consequences too great for us to be willing to consider,

Then we will resort to one of those two things to try to get things done.

Does this make sense to everyone?

And any questions?

Because this is also how people learn that anger gets a bad rap because they think that any time they get angry,

One of two things is going to happen.

I'm going to yell,

I'm going to scream,

I'm going to say mean comments,

And then I'm going to be embarrassed,

Ashamed,

And sorry,

And I'm going to have to go back on my knees,

Or I'm going to hold my ground and I'm just going to be the angry person.

Or if I allow myself to get angry,

I'm going to be pissy,

Frustrated,

All of those words,

And I'm going to come across in a way and nobody's going to like me,

So don't get angry.

We blame anger.

We're blaming our own desire for change,

But that's not cleanly felt anger.

That's what we do when we think we have no control over a situation where we need to get something done.

So if there are no questions on that,

I'll then explain what anger actually is.

If you feel,

And if you do have questions,

Please put them in.

If you feel anger all the way through,

Then you realize,

I don't like this,

I don't enjoy this,

I'm willing to face this whole situation and what has come up.

I'm going to look at my options,

And I now have the strength and courage to take one of those options,

And I know that that option is going to be uncomfortable or uncertain.

For example,

With the two organizations that I was angry with yesterday,

If I fully felt it all the way through,

Which I started to do with one yesterday and the other today,

It's a realization that with one,

I'm going to have to limit my involvement with that organization because they'll never be able to give what I'm asking for,

And I'm going to have to start over in a new place that I'm uncomfortable with,

But will be able to provide me what I'm looking for.

With the other,

Coming to complete realization of what this organization is that I always kind of knew and what they do,

I have to make a multi-thousand-dollar decision of whether I'm going to invest more money to go on an event with them because I already paid for it,

I just haven't paid for the travel,

Knowing what kind of environment I'm walking into and whether it's worth it,

Or to accept the loss of the money that I already paid.

And neither of those things am I comfortable with,

But everything else is outside of my control,

And they've made it very clear how they're going to respond and react if I try to talk about this or negotiate this.

I'm not going to be able to change the core of this organization so that I don't have to set a boundary.

And the other organization,

The first one,

I'm not going to be able to convince them to change their established entrenched policy in order to be able to better serve me so that I don't have to be uncomfortable.

That's what cleanly felt anger does.

It forces you to confront the situation,

How you feel about it,

And expose to your own agency and your own power so that you get to make a decision cleanly without being dependent on other people.

So I'll use a couple more examples before we go into the meditation practice,

But if people have questions,

Please put them in.

Because anger doesn't give you a get out of jail free card.

It doesn't.

You don't cleanly feel through your anger and suddenly find the solution that doesn't have consequences.

Anger tells you we need to find a solution because this is uncomfortable.

This feels unsafe.

I don't enjoy this.

This isn't fulfilling.

So I'll use an example of you might be in a relationship and someone's behavior isn't living up to standards that you enjoy.

And you have been trying and trying and trying to convince them to change their behavior.

If you feel your anger all the way through,

And this is what scares people,

It's the promise and the threat,

You're going to realize this is who this person is.

I have no idea if this is going to change.

I don't have the strategies or skills.

And even if I did,

That would mean trying to change this person.

This is who they are.

Am I willing to accept it?

If I'm not willing to accept it,

Then I have a choice to leave.

That's it.

To leave or to limit or to moderate or change my relationship with this person.

That doesn't mean that I don't love them.

It means that I'm not willing to accept the way that they are showing up in a relationship.

And that might scare me.

And my mind is going to want to circle back to,

What if I tried this?

Or what if they did differently?

Or what if I communicated it this way?

Or if they.

.

.

Or to make it easier to say,

If they really loved me,

They'd do this.

None of which is true.

They're just one person and you want them to be a different person.

This is true with work.

This is true with relationships.

This is true with our own internal desires.

Anytime we're in a relationship and we're not enjoying it and we don't feel comfortable with it,

Anger allows us to face the situation fully as it is.

Realize how much it's been impacting us.

Expose our own choice.

We might not like our choices,

But they are our choices.

And give us the courage to take it.

Which is why people are so scared of theirs and other people's anger.

Because when someone truly feels their anger,

They make a change.

And before they feel their anger,

They're scared of that change.

And when someone else is angry,

You're scared.

Because you know that if they fully feel their anger,

They're going to make a choice.

A choice that you have no control over and may impact you.

But if at any point,

You're still pointing outwards at someone else saying,

I'm really angry and they just need to stop.

Whatever it is.

You haven't felt through your anger yet.

You're projecting it outwards.

Because there's a part of you that doesn't want to recognize that my anger is me saying no more.

And that isn't no more,

I'm going to have five more talks with this person and maybe they'll change.

And if they don't,

I'm going to yell,

Scream,

Passive aggressive,

This,

Do something about it.

It's no more right now.

And that doesn't mean always something as big as leaving a relationship.

It might mean that no more getting yelled at.

And you need to set a boundary that says,

Hey,

I know you're not great at processing your emotions at the moment with this and I know it's scary for you,

But if you yell,

I shut down.

And so I'm not going to put up with yelling anymore.

And if you yell,

I'm going to tell you that I'm uncomfortable with this.

I'm going to leave the room and I'm going to come back later to see if we can have a conversation.

That's something that yelling provides your ability to do.

Or something that anger provides your ability to do.

To be able to say no more from this moment forward.

And this is within my control and other things aren't within my control.

And I won't be able to predict it,

But no more,

No more.

Does that make sense to everyone?

And any last questions before we start moving into the meditation?

Give everybody a minute to digest and think.

Just as a side note,

While people think,

I had a dilemma where I accidentally destroyed my laptop a month ago from a camelback water in my bag.

So now I'm paranoid about water.

So I keep putting a lid on my tea,

But then I'm drinking it 30 minutes in and it's still 500 degrees and it surprises me every time.

Okay,

I don't see any questions,

But you have about three minutes left as I described the instructions to put it in,

If anybody's really needs something answered.

So we're going to do an exercise and I'm going to say,

First and foremost,

You're going to need some space if you have it.

So I don't have space,

So I can't fully do it from within this van.

I won't be able to follow completely along,

So it'll have to do with my miming.

But here are some of the ground rules.

If you're going to do this meditation,

Please stay with me to the end of the hour,

Because I don't want somebody reacting outwards and I want to have a space for somebody to say,

I feel this,

But what about this?

Two,

You're allowed to in this meditation and meditation is a weird word for it.

Let's call it an exercise.

Get really angry,

But you're not allowed to get angry at someone who can hear you and you're not allowed to get angry at yourself,

But you're perfectly allowed to get angry at someone who can't hear you,

Because anger is a moving emotion.

Anger needs to be cleanly felt through.

The problem is when we project it at someone else,

Literally,

Not figuratively.

So as an example,

If I was really mad at Katarina,

The van walls aren't that big,

So I couldn't scream,

But I might say like,

Screw this.

I can't believe you did this.

This is so unacceptable.

You're going to be able to express all the way through about that person,

But you can't start getting angry at yourself,

Which is the way that we tend to avoid recognizing we're uncomfortable with other people's behavior.

So you're going to be able to talk about other people,

But I'm just going to pull up my full ground rules here.

To make sure I don't miss anything.

You must express everything you feel you weren't able to express,

Even if you know it's not wholly true.

I've watched people try to do this exercise and be like,

That person was just awful.

I mean,

I really didn't do this and it wasn't this.

No,

They don't hear you.

You're not getting judged.

You're not having a jury of your peers.

You're expressing clearly how you felt and what you're experienced.

So everything that you felt is OK.

Four,

If the anger washes away and we're going to practice actually getting angry and you can't get it back,

It's fully washed through.

It became another emotion.

That's OK.

But if all of a sudden your anger switches to something else,

That's you getting uncomfortable and avoiding anger.

So go back.

So if you're going,

No,

No,

No,

No.

And then all of a sudden you just start crying and feel sad.

That's that you feel like it's OK to be sad,

But it's not OK to be angry.

So do your best to switch back to allowing yourself to be angry.

And five,

I'm really,

Really trusting all of you to do this meditation.

So please,

Please,

Please,

Please do not leave the room and go do something.

This meditation and exercise,

The last thing that I would want you to do is to be like,

I'm getting really angry.

And you know what?

I need to call my mother-in-law right now.

Please don't do that.

Please don't.

You will know,

And I will give you guidance at the end of this exercise,

Whether you have felt all the way through or if you have just awakened the beast.

You will know if you've awakened the beast,

If you feel like you need to go do something,

Tell somebody,

Change somebody,

Manipulate somebody,

Say like,

I needed to give you a piece of my mind.

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

That'll mean if I hear these kinds of things that I won't be able to do it in this context.

You'll know when you've processed all the way through this.

And don't try to get to this point.

Don't bypass this.

When you can cleanly have felt all the way through and you're like,

No,

I'm not going to put up with that anymore.

And if it happens,

I'm just going to say no.

It's not worth it.

It's not worth my piece.

It's not worth that.

It's not worth anything.

And I'm going to try to finger out a way around this when my brain comes back online to find a solution.

But no,

I don't like this.

This isn't acceptable.

Sure,

My behavior hasn't been perfect,

But I'm not willing to put up with this anymore.

So everybody ready to give this a shot?

And anybody have any final questions?

All right.

So if you can get yourself some space,

If you can't,

That's fine.

But this is really,

Chances are one part of you has not been allowed to feel anger.

Your voice,

Your body,

Or just internally.

And our goal for the next five,

10 minutes is to feel angry and to speak it out.

So I'm going to give you an explanation of what I'm talking about.

But yes,

Trish,

I am recording this.

So I'm going to give you an explanation of how this is going to work.

But you can already start if it's helpful to you to just follow along.

If you have open space and you're in a good spot,

You're going to start by starting to move your body if it helps to think about a situation that you've gotten angry with,

A person you're getting angry with.

And you can start by either saying no,

No,

No,

No,

No.

And you can move your face to get angry like you never would before.

Or you can swear.

It could be like,

F this,

F this,

F this,

F this.

Over and over,

Whatever it's going to take until you start to actually feel angry,

Feel angry about it.

Something that you haven't allowed yourself to process.

And then you want to start moving your body.

A good exercise is like fists over your head and down like you're cutting wood.

It's called axe cutters in Tai Chi.

Just kind of go,

No,

No,

No,

No.

You want to get angry.

You want to get moving.

You want to think about how they did that and what's there.

And the second that you've actually started to channel it and words start to come out,

Say the words,

Say the words as long.

And you can say whatever you want about that other person.

You are not hedging.

You are not coming back.

So if you're talking,

If I was pretending about this organization,

I would be like,

How dare you?

You pretend that you're doing all of these wonderful things,

But it's a high pressure sales organization.

And you do this and you do this and you don't allow this.

And this is not acceptable.

And I don't enjoy it.

And why would you put this all together?

And I really believed in you and screw all of this.

And this isn't OK.

Like that,

You want to allow yourself to say that.

I hope you're in your room because I can't see you or wherever you are saying what it is that's not OK.

What's not OK?

And if at any point your body is starting to bypass this,

To go into sadness or shut down,

Say,

Oh,

This isn't safe.

Keep going.

Say no,

No,

No,

No,

No.

And if it helps,

Get angry at whoever told you that you can't get angry.

So if you start to get sad and you're like,

Screw you,

Mom,

It is OK to be angry.

And I know you never got angry.

And if you ever got freaking angry,

You would have said this to dad.

And then maybe things would have been better.

Get like that.

Allow yourself to say,

No,

It's OK to express.

It's OK to express and move and move and move.

And your only goal is to get it out.

You're getting it out with your words.

You're getting it out with your movement.

And you're getting it out simply with feeling.

So all of it helps because you are allowing an emotion to move through you.

That's all this is.

So keep going.

And if your body tries to bypass it and move to something else,

Come back.

Say no,

No,

No,

F,

F,

F.

All of these things just allow you to fully express,

Fully express your emotion all the way through rather than coming it down.

And if you're sensing sadness,

That's OK because you might be sad about how you have suppressed yourself.

So get angry at whoever told you to suppress yourself.

Get angry at whatever situations that it was.

Get angry at why you've never allowed yourself to be angry.

Get angry at the situation.

Get angry at the fact that you put up with the situation.

Get angry at the person as long as you're not the anger at yourself because that doesn't work in this exercise.

Get angry and say it.

Say what's not OK.

Say what was never OK.

Say about who told you it wasn't OK.

Say all of these things.

Say it outwards.

Say it to these people until it starts to wash into the next stage,

Which is,

I'm not going to do this anymore.

When you reach the point where you're like,

No,

This hurt too much.

This sucked too much.

I'm not going to do this.

Say it.

Say what it is.

Say I'm not going to do this anymore.

I'm not going to put up with this anymore.

I'm not going to allow you to speak to me that way.

I'm not going to suppress my anger.

I'm going to feel it all the way through and say no when I feel uncomfortable.

I'm not this.

I'm not that.

Only if it's true,

Don't bypass this.

Only if you truly feel,

Because if not,

Feel the anger and the impact to say no.

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

It often switches from no to no,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

No,

I,

I,

No,

I'm done with that.

I am done with this.

Screw this.

Know that.

Say what it means.

Say what the message was always trying to share with you.

The message might be,

Yeah,

No,

You don't get to speak to me that way.

And if you're going to be pissy about it,

I'm not going to do that.

I don't deserve to have a relationship like this.

Or no,

You don't get to push me this way.

No,

You don't get to speak to me this way.

No,

Because it's about what you're going to do differently.

What boundary are you willing to set?

Because no,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

I'm not comfortable with this.

I'm not putting up with this.

This is what I'm going to do.

Take one more minute to sit with that.

And if you're still going,

Keep going.

Because this might be the first time,

And especially if your mind was continually redirecting to another emotion because anger didn't feel safe,

Allow yourself to feel the anger.

That might be all you need to do today is to realize that all of your boundaries,

All of your no's,

All of your resolutions have been hiding under your inability to feel anger because anger was your no.

Anger was the moment that said this isn't OK and I need to do something about this.

But if you felt it,

Say what are you going to do differently?

What's different from this?

Yeah,

As someone just put in,

If you end up crying instead,

Get angry at that.

Get angry at that.

You cry that someone taught you that you're so not allowed to be angry that you get afraid and shut down instead.

So with that,

We're going to close for the day or close for the exercise.

And if you need to keep going,

Do so,

But do so carefully to say that this is a closed container.

And please don't go out and do something crazy.

You just want to feel it all the way through and let it settle into your new resolution,

Your new thing.

Because if you feel an energy right now to go out and do something,

That's still fear.

That's still anger.

That's still lack of power.

You want to have found the place within yourself that said,

No,

I'm not going to put up with this anymore.

And I don't need to do anything about it because it's not happening to me right now.

But the next time it is happening,

I'm going to say no.

I'm going to have a conversation.

I'm going to say this isn't acceptable.

So with that,

Thank you.

I want to give a couple more things in here.

And if anybody is saying,

I don't understand what just happened.

I'm feeling overwhelmed.

I'm feeling this.

And thank you because I didn't see anybody leave.

But I can't really tell because Insight Timer changed it.

But if you stuck through this and you felt through it and you're feeling,

Please put something in the chat.

Because that's the only way that I can do that here on Insight Timer.

And if anybody else you're feeling even a little bit agitated,

Put it in because I bet you're speaking for some other people and I can speak to all of them through you.

But I'm going to try my best.

If right now you feel like you're on fire and you feel scared,

Chances are you feel scared because your anger was always shut down and you learned that you don't have autonomy and control over your life and make your own decisions at a younger age and you've carried that into yourself now.

That's okay.

That's okay.

And you want to give yourself some kindness and tenderness because you just realized that the biggest person holding you back today was you.

That you've been holding yourself back because you've been scared because other people treated you so poorly when you tried to exert your control over the world and your own decision making then.

If you're crying like Yvonne put in,

It's probably because and my mother actually talks about this,

Yvonne.

She does the same thing.

If I learned I'm not allowed to be angry,

It's not okay to be angry.

I can't sit in this anger and if I am angry,

Other people are going to shut me down.

I'm going to cry instead because it hurts.

It hurts to know that I can't act in the world.

It hurts to know that I'm being shut down.

It hurts to be predicting pain and to not be able to act on it.

And you want to bring kindness to that too.

That's okay.

That's okay.

And if you have chills all over your body,

Not scared,

That's good because it means emotions and things were coming online.

But don't walk into a meeting with someone you don't like right now or have a phone call.

Allow those chills to settle because anger is energy when felt cleanly.

And that's almost like a reactivation of dissociation that you want to integrate before trying to make any big moves.

Still angry,

Catherine?

Then go ahead.

I really hope you have some time after this but to feel it.

Some other good exercises that I didn't say,

Scream into a pillow,

Stomp,

Be a toddler.

This is a really good one,

Especially for,

Usually women,

Because they were told they weren't allowed to be angry and they can't express it and goatee girls can't get angry.

Be a freaking toddler.

Be a freaking toddler.

I swear to God,

It works so well.

My girlfriend and I did this a lot over the summer when we would notice that we were angry at something at work and I'm like,

Toddler time.

And she's like,

I don't want toddler time.

And I'm like,

It's already started.

And you go out into the center of the room and you stomp like a toddler at a grocery store and you sit down and you're like,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

And it's like,

I want the Cheerios.

You do it.

You allow yourself to do it or roll around in the grass,

Punching and screaming at it or punch a pillow,

Do something,

Allow yourself to move in a way that you wouldn't normally while saying it out loud.

As long as others who are going to feel it,

Like if you want to be like,

My husband,

My wife is a total jackass.

As long as they can't hear you,

Get it out,

Feel it,

Feel it all the way through.

And then say,

What is it that's really bothering me?

Because usually we've constructed this massive story that sounds like this person's a total dick.

But in reality,

It's they're speaking to me in a way that I feel uncomfortable with.

And the next time they do it,

I'm going to ask them to stop.

And if they then start to denigrate or criticize me,

I'm going to call it out.

And if they keep going,

I'm going to say,

You know what?

I don't really deserve this.

I don't want to be in this form of relationship and I'm going to walk away.

All of our stories about that person come down to,

I don't feel comfortable with the way that they speak to me.

And I don't have to put up with it.

I actually don't.

So I'm not going to,

As an example.

And Jess,

The feeling cold.

Feeling cold in that without having been allowed to feel anger,

Usually is this overriding sense that is kind of sad when you think about it.

Anger is the sense of my own power and my ability to get myself out of situations.

But if I've so learned that expressing that is going to hurt me,

I'm scared of my anger.

I'm scared of my own power and my body is trying to get cold and shut it down rather than experience it because it still associates so much difficulty and danger from experiencing it and feeling it that it doesn't want it to come out.

And that takes practice.

That takes override.

That takes finding that moment.

It's like the movie Anger Management where he's like,

I don't have an anger problem,

Because he's gotten it so cold and so passive and so inability.

You want to practice if you can't feel anger.

Anger is part of the human experience.

Anger is universal.

How we act on our anger determines whether we can have an appropriate society.

But anger is just natural when you have thousands of people interacting with you who are going to not always interact in ways you feel comfortable with.

And if you don't have the ability to say,

I don't feel comfortable with that,

Can we try something different?

And if they say,

No,

We can't try something different,

Say,

Then I don't want to do this anymore.

Then you're going to have a pretty crappy life because you can't set boundaries.

You can't negotiate relationships and you can't walk away.

So you need to be able to experience it.

Now,

The last reminder,

In case anyone joined late,

None of this,

None of this gives anybody authority to go scream at somebody,

Yell at somebody,

Criticize somebody,

Give them a peace of their mind,

Give them a talking to,

None of that.

Because your goal is never to figure out how to change someone else and tell them that they're wrong.

They're not wrong.

They're just different.

They're just trying to get through the day the same way you are.

Anger is about figuring out where you are uncomfortable.

You don't enjoy this.

And you're saying,

I'm done.

I'm done.

I don't want to do this anymore.

Which means one of two things,

Either talking to somebody and saying,

I'm not going to do this specific thing anymore.

Are you willing to try something different?

Or I've already tried.

I'm done with this relationship.

Yeah.

Okay.

So with that,

I'll put in,

Of course,

I always appreciate but never expect donations.

I loved this class today.

I enjoyed it.

Two,

If you're not following and you found your way here,

We're not always as activating as today,

But we're always working on emotions.

So I'd love a follow so you can have more information and see the updates from the recordings.

And if you're feeling overly activated today,

I'm just going to put this in and you really need to go do something right now.

I'm just going to put up this heartbeat meditation for grounding.

Seven minute exercise to calm yourself down.

Don't do it because you're afraid of the anger and the feeling.

Do it if in six minutes,

You have a meeting or in 30 minutes,

You have a meeting and you need to be settled for it and you're over activated.

And thank you,

Delay.

But with that said,

And you can also find more things on our group.

Yeah.

Rosamund,

To put that in there,

Just to close some of these out.

Thank you very much,

Sarah.

Yeah,

That one's hard.

And Rosamund,

As an example of this,

If anyone's reading what Rosamund said of maybe making the choice to cut out an old friend or sit ignored,

There's alternate options.

There's the possibility to sit within that Rosamund and say,

I'm going to speak vulnerably to her and I'm going to tell her,

Hey,

When this occurs,

I feel really uncomfortable.

Can we have a talk about this?

Because I want to do something differently.

And if you don't,

I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

And to open up a conversation from vulnerability because your anger might at the very end,

Might just be saying,

I need to have a conversation because I don't feel comfortable and I don't enjoy this anymore and I'm building resentment and something needs to happen and I can't control her,

But at the very least I can ask.

That's the thing that people often miss.

When we're in a rage,

We want to say,

Screw this,

Screw that,

Like a,

Is it Zazu in the Lion King?

Where it's like,

I'm out of here,

Out of this kingdom,

Out of Africa,

You won't see me hanging about.

We want to do that.

But it's not that easy.

It's not that easy.

If you have a real relationship,

It's important to at least be able to say,

This specific aspect of behavior,

I feel uncomfortable with.

Can we have a talk about it?

And if they react out of anger or some way in which they're trying to avoid that conversation,

That's just one more to say,

Hey,

I know you're scared.

I know you're uncomfortable,

But I really want to have this conversation.

Can we have this conversation?

And if they keep going,

Avoiding the conversation,

Then you know that you have to make a deeper choice because they have said,

I have drawn a line in the sand.

I'm not willing to change.

I'm not willing to examine this.

I'm not willing to alter this relationship.

But until then,

You at the very least know that you can ask.

Yep.

In Rosamund exactly.

You can say,

And you know,

You might be able to say like,

She gets angry.

And right now you might feel through and say like,

Hey,

Don't speak to me that way.

Or I'm not going to be spoken to that way.

And if you keep speaking,

I'm going to leave.

Because something we didn't talk about today,

But I talk about a lot is patterns don't change when they hurt us.

Patterns don't change when they're no longer effective.

Patterns change when they stop working.

So just use Rosamund as one last example for everyone.

And this might be helpful for a lot of people choosing to do something today.

If you're sitting here saying,

You know what?

I want to speak to this person,

But they're going to do this.

They're doing it because it works.

That's it.

If you know that I'm not standing up for myself in this situation because this person starts to yell,

They yell because it works.

Because you shut down.

And they don't have to face something uncomfortable.

That's it.

So if you say,

Hey,

I'm also not going to put up with yelling.

And they're like,

Oh,

Really now?

And they start using criticism.

And you're like,

Hey,

If I'm spoken to this way,

I'm going to walk away.

And then they speak to you again like that.

And you walk away.

You do that enough times.

They're either going to leave because they feel too uncomfortable.

You're going to leave because you realize that they won't.

Or the pattern is going to be broken.

And you're both going to have to find a new way of interacting.

So thank you all.

Love you all.

And I am hoping in the next day or two to do the backlog of about five lives and split them up.

But I have to sit at a nice cafe with a smoothie to convince myself to edit.

So expect them soon.

Trish,

You know what's a really good one?

And I'll actually get inspired.

In the meantime,

I'm going to see if it'll allow me.

I can't put in a full link.

But there is a talk on passive aggression on the Art of Accomplishment podcast that is really,

Really,

Really good.

I'll put up a class sometime next week on dealing with passive aggression,

Which is criticism,

Needling,

Sly comments,

Not owning.

But in the meantime,

That one does a really,

Really good job of talking about it.

I will apologize in advance that it's meant for high-level entrepreneurs so they sometimes use businessy language.

But that specific episode is very,

Very good in talking about how passive aggression shows up,

How it works,

How people use it,

And how to get around it.

But thank you all.

Love you all.

Appreciate you all.

And hope to talk to you tomorrow.