Owning Our Wants & Accepting People As They Are (Live 1-28)

We struggle to accept people exactly as they are, but that's what's necessary to have great relationships. So we discuss today everything it takes to accept others for who and what they are and make the decisions we need to make.

Transcript

Let's go ahead and start So I Let this class open Because it's our most common class We've talked about a lot of topics and I do see what I think are some new people in here Or they joined at times that I wasn't checking the chat,

But I want to give you a Primer for what we practice during this class and then see if anybody has any topics Conversations situations that they want to discuss that we will direct this episode Of the class based on what would be most important to you in this class How to hold your ground without closing your heart We're learning something deceptively simple How to figure out What it is that I want What it is that would help me feel comfortable or safe or loved or cared for and How to communicate that of to others to say is this something that you would be open to do and If they're not doing it how to say I'm not available for this Without making the other person the enemy Because what I see and what I have personally done for most of my life Is that most people?

Most of the time aren't actually setting boundaries or accepting They are allowing with resentment or pushing back attacking and defending Which puts us into really really poor patterns Namely the second you attack someone they're gonna defend the second you defend You're telling them they're bad and you're inviting attack And if you accept something you're not actually comfortable with you will inherently build resentment and start sabotaging relationships So we're trying to bypass all of that by learning how to figure out in a grounded way Which I can be specific if that term doesn't make sense to people How to say this is what I want.

Is it something you're willing to do?

If not,

I might have to adjust the terms of our relationship because I am going to choose a life for myself Prioritizing something that feels comfortable for me and to do so without making the other person good or bad For choosing a different way of relating and having a different structure in relationships So that's what we do and in the past We have had people bring up some really good questions that have directed the entire class,

So I'm curious what's alive for people today Because just in the past two classes that I was Editing the recordings for yesterday.

We had someone ask what if you're the person under attack and you're learning to set boundaries for their version of asking for what they want and In the class after that someone said what about when you're trying to communicate what you want and Someone has pretty clearly said I'm unwilling to do that.

How do I deal with the unresolved emotions of Realizing that someone isn't going to meet me in the way that I would like to be met and the resulting impact on the relationship So For those of you who have been here before or brand-new Does anybody have anything that they'd really like to discuss today?

If you're brand-new,

Especially If there's something where you're saying,

You know,

I really want to talk about how to handle this situation or What do I do in this?

Or What about when?

Someone is attacking or what about when I feel the need to attack if there is a situation You have the floor For directing what we're going to talk about today.

Not the overall theme,

But what lens through which we're going to approach it So I'm gonna give a minute before we ground Does anybody have something that they're coming in today that they would really like to discuss?

Practice or go deeper on While I do that greeting the late joiners Good day kitty cat Good morning,

Annie.

Good day,

Kelly.

Good afternoon jazz Good morning,

Mariana Good morning,

Diane Good morning,

Jodi.

And good morning,

Christine Good morning,

Lady Peacock and Cassie Morning,

Sarah and NC and good day buggy because I'm not sure where you're coming in from So No one has something specific no one is struggling in relationships where they're really trying to figure it out That's either really good news or really shy news But I'll let everyone digest while we take a moment to ground and then if I don't hear something that someone wants to go through I'll pick whatever is alive for me most at the moment And I'm Madeline so if everyone wants to take a moment Settle into a comfortable meditation position Go ahead and close your eyes Take a deep deep breath Let it out with a sigh And then settle in to your body for one minute No need to change anything no need to do anything Just try to bring your awareness to what's going on here You might want to check the old faithfuls Are you warm or are you cold?

How is your breath Is it shallow Or is it deep Is it slow or is it fast Is it in your chest or in your stomach Without moving if you had to guess your pulse and heart rate Is it moving really quickly?

Or slow and steady And where are you holding your tension and where are you not holding your tension Is your chest relaxed But your back and shoulders tight Is your jaw tense but your throat relaxed See how much you can be aware of this vehicle of the soul that's carrying you forward And how is it right now Because you want to know something that's important for all the most important work A tense and anxious body And deep reflective work Or even calm response work Are mutually exclusive with being activated or stressed When you are in a state of activation and tension Your body is saying I'm in threat.

I'm in danger And it will respond as if the outside world is a danger and a threat Which if it's a lion is good,

But if it's your partner not so good So be honest with yourself here today Whether you're in a bodily state to do this kind of work If not,

That's not a shame There are probably 10 points in the last 24 hours where I wasn't if you had asked me But be aware of that Be aware of when you're already activated and you're going to be responding to threat Not acting from ground and if you are activated Too activated right now to do work That's fine Put your hands on your stomach And allow your breath to come from your stomach with slow exhales Letting tension wave off for as long as needed to be If you have more to listen to listen But don't try to take any action or consideration Until you're in a state where you can actually consider not respond to a threat So if you need to keep doing this a whole class Whatever you're planning to do while listening passively That's okay That's the best thing you can do But if you feel ready you feel at a threshold where if we added more Uncomfortable or tense topics in your mind and body you can process them and feel through them and learn Then go ahead to wiggle your fingers your toes Give yourself a yawn Sigh or a stretch And when you feel ready Go ahead and open your eyes And hello Jacqueline And thank you for the three of you.

I had the courage to put in a Topic I'm gonna read them all out and then we're gonna have a talk before we do a meditation based on this So I always appreciate those of you who engage because on the 15th time doing this class It keeps getting better or different based on what people have the courage to share.

So,

Thank you,

Johnny Diane and Sarah Johnny My example seems silly but some of my family members criticize and even shame me for my diet and will not accept the way I like it I Am I don't have an intimate relationship with my husband He would like physical intimacy.

I don't right now This morning at 4 a.

M.

He put his hand on me That keeps me awake How do I explain to him?

Yeah,

That's a really good one and thank you Diane and Sarah I Have a next-door neighbor I've been dating We separated end of October.

I See that he's struggling and still care and want to reach out but don't want to put in too much energy These are all really good.

Thank you So I'm gonna do some framing That responds to all of these things and then we're gonna evaluate this together And if you have more situations along this whole time or questions,

You're always welcome to put it in so in each case There's many lenses on which to look at these situations So I'm not saying that I'm giving anybody the end-all be-all only response to today if you're looking for formulas Formulas never give you the full context through which to live life But this is one lens that we want to put on and The lens that I work on in this class is What do I want?

What am I comfortable with when I'm in a grounded state?

What do I What do I want to happen Recognizing and owning that it's my desire and My desire doesn't make me good or bad right or wrong It's only what would help me feel comfortable.

What would help me feel safe?

What would help me feel like I could be intimate?

What would make me feel like I would want to engage further with this person?

What would make me feel like I could trust this person with more of me or more situations And that's unique to you And they are not right or wrong Good or bad It is only who you are and where you are in this moment And This is the important part No one owes you In any way shape or form to respond and act in the way you would like them to act You can ask them You can request it of them But they don't have any obligation zero none To respond in the way that you would like them to respond to act in the way you would like them to act Their reactions are theirs and it is their responsibility To respond to have their own reactions to have their own feelings to interpret things in their own way and You and only you are responsible for saying something really simple This is the kind of relationship that I am looking for This is the kind of behavior that I am looking for This is what would help me feel safe or comfortable in this situation And I'm hoping that you could do it too,

I'm hoping that you would be up for it And if not There's nothing that I can do Except accept that I might ask for greater clarity.

I Might ask to say hey How did you interpret this because they might have interpreted in a different way,

But if they react poorly That's their reaction and my only responsibility is to say what would make me feel comfortable.

What would make me feel safe or What is a way in which I'm willing to delve into or interact in uncomfortable or unsafe topics?

And that's all I'm responsible for I'm going to put that into concrete examples For Johnny Diane and Sarah and I had read out your comment Diane,

But I hadn't spoken about it Is this?

If someone is criticizing you and you're uncomfortable with it the only Responsibility you have is to say I don't feel comfortable being criticized if my diet makes you uncomfortable.

I understand but I Don't appreciate being criticized and if you continue to criticize Then some form of I'm gonna moderate my relationship To you in this situation and these examples in these ways So would you be willing to change how you interact with me on this topic?

I'm not asking for you to believe me.

I'm not asking for you to change,

But I am Setting the standard for how I am willing to be interacted with And the biggest trick if you've noticed about what I just said is I Didn't tell them to change.

I said what I'm going to do what I'm comfortable with what I feel safe with and Therefore I'm just notifying them if this behavior That I feel this way about Continues.

This is what I'm going to do And we can only do that.

So I'm going to use Johnny's example first and then go down We can only do that from a state of groundedness and a easier bodily mental way of saying am I grounded is Have I made myself right and the other person wrong or Myself wrong and the other person,

Right?

Because if that is true,

You are not grounded You have turned it into attack and defense Which is as a response to being ungrounded activated and responding to a threat which hurts and We do that for a really good reason Because we're afraid of the other people's responses and reactions so if I am afraid Getting into the next one That by me saying I don't currently feel safe with you.

I don't feel Like I trust you.

I Don't feel comfortable being intimate with you at this point And I am afraid of what they are going to do and how they are going to respond to that Then I cannot be grounded Because I have to be comfortable that the only thing that matters is Where I am right now,

I can change it tomorrow.

I could see different behavior.

I could change my belief patterns I could interpret it in new ways.

I could experience my body in new ways,

Which is how a lot of new age people Tend to abuse themselves Without realizing it is They put up with poor behavior saying I Should not be triggered by this.

I Should listen to my higher self.

I Should be able to not be affected by this That's telling yourself I have to put up with something today because I've made myself wrong I've made myself bad,

Which is why I remembered to say that Because if you make yourself right and the other person wrong we go on the attack Yep Jacqueline love that phrase but If I make myself wrong Even if I didn't make the other person right I Allowed it which made it right Then I will keep putting up with the behavior rather than owning the fact maybe in the future When somebody yells at me or criticizes me,

I will be like the Buddha and let it wash off my back.

But right now It really hurts It really hurts.

I'm not comfortable with it.

I don't feel safe with it.

I don't enjoy it and I'd really prefer that it stops And I'll actually use a line from a mentor who I have really enjoyed and really love his work and really respect Joe Hudson from the art of accomplishment He was on a podcast that I can't remember and can't put in links of exactly which one being interviewed by a friend of mine and She said what would you say to the people who say if you need to set a boundary then you have a wound And he said of course but often the most important part of healing the wound is to set a boundary and That always stuck with me.

He continued for several minutes,

But the core of it was if You feel uncomfortable and you need to take action there's some wounded scared part of you that is true but that doesn't change the fact that the most important part of healing the wound is Reminding yourself that you don't have to put up with the behavior That you can say no that you don't have to feel a threat.

You don't have to feel threatened because You're only responsible for your own actions.

And this is similar in the same way if I speak out and say I Know this may hurt,

But this is how I feel right now We have to accept the opposite side Because if I were to model out what Diane said,

It's really important if I'm her husband It is perfectly acceptable at least in my book.

You can have different acceptance for me to say Ouch that really hurts and I'd love to hear more But over the long term,

I don't want to be in a relationship without physical intimacy So I really need us to try to find a way in Which this can be resolved and I'm open to hearing your side and hearing my side and seeking help but If this doesn't change this isn't a relationship that I want to stay in That would be perfectly okay in my book because we have to own that Someone could say very clearly.

I don't want to be in a relationship without physical intimacy I don't want to be in a relationship without this I don't want to be in a relationship without X Y & Z and I want to be in a relationship That looks like this and communicates like this and I need us To find a way to get there or else I'm going to re-examine my participation in this relationship Now,

Unfortunately Most people don't have that skill set to say something like that in the best of times And it is not the best of times for most people When they're told I don't want to be in physical intimacy with you or something equally difficult But that's what they're really saying and that's what we want to feel comfortable getting out Because if we have been putting up with behavior as Diane just said married for 45 years If we've been putting up with something for a very long time,

It can be hard to say Something where I'm going to shift the relationship I'm asking for a shift and that's something where so many people When we talk about making a change We forget that we're asked Asking a really significant change of another person and we can do that with compassion Because there is a way to say for everyone on this call to come in and say hey,

I Know we've both been participating in a dynamic for a really a long time And I can't make you bad and I can't make me right or vice versa,

But I just want you to know that it doesn't Something that doesn't make me feel alive.

It doesn't make me feel comfortable.

It's not really restoring trust.

I don't like how it's been going.

I Would like to make a change and I know that this change might be scary and I know this change might be uncomfortable and I know I'm asking a lot of you,

But This is the kind of relationship that I'm looking for and that I want and that I'm really curious about and seeing whether we can Build together and this is an important statement because if you are not this next statement You already know the answer of what you need to do,

And I am interested in building that relationship together and I would like to find a way to do so and If you are willing to find a way to do so with me,

Then I would love to discuss it together And if the other person says No matter how they say it.

I'm not willing to make that shift They're not wrong They're not bad they have given you really really clear information that says I'm really scared too.

I Really appreciate this relationship.

This relationship has meant a lot to me But you're now asking me to make a change in the relationship that wasn't what I agreed to It wasn't in the contract and I really don't want it to occur Because it's scary for me it's uncomfortable for me or I'm interpreting it as an attack.

I don't feel safe with it And that's really important information Because what that person has said is at this time I am unwilling or unable to be in that kind of relationship with you and only you get to determine How you're going to respond to that and what you're going to do And Something that I want to just name But not call out for today's class because we do it in a lot of different classes including multiple That I've now recorded is that if the most common response out of the gate to being asked to make a change Is actually coping behavior that they hope will get you to stop asking And go back to the old dynamic whether that's anger or hurt or guilt or criticism or People-pleasing and appeasing while sliding back in over a couple of days or weeks That's the most common reaction first is I may consider to make that change but that change is really scary You're really scary and in the moment It's much easier for me to try to convince you to go back into the old dance Than to learn this new uncomfortable seemingly unsafe dance with you and in that case your only responsibility is to say no to behavior and Continue to sit with the knowledge of what you want and communicate that clearly and if someone is trying to push control Manipulate influence you to go back to the old behavior That's what they're doing Not because they're a bad person but because they're scared uncomfortable or plain old don't want to and don't want to lose you Your only responsibility is to say no.

Thank you.

I'm really serious about this and I'm glad to give you time,

But I'm not available for this kind of reaction So take some time feel through it and let me know when you're ready to have a conversation about this Does that make sense to people And any questions there because I'm gonna respond to Sarah thank you again for everyone putting this in But I want to make sure that we cover that before we have a meditation because I like this topic So Sarah and for those of you who joined later hmm Brenda I'll get to that one We have to figure out for those of you joined later Sarah was dating a neighbor separated at end of October and she still sees him and sees that he's struggling and She cares wants to reach out.

It doesn't want to put in too much energy This is a really important one because Sarah what is it that you want?

Because if you want him to be okay Because it hurts Some part of you to watch him not be okay.

I just okay making sure it was a he to Watch him not being okay Then your responsibility is to feel that emotion If he is asking for help,

It is up to you to decide whether you want to help if You want to support him?

Then It is up to you whether to support him,

But if the underlying inclination is I'm having trouble being okay,

Because I'm feeling guilty that you're not okay or ashamed or feeling Responsible for making you not okay That's not his That's yours For him to go through a breakup and to be struggling through it and struggling to see you Is perfectly appropriate in my book doesn't mean it has to be in your book But it hurts it hurts to watch knowing that you've disappointed someone That they're struggling That you have pointed them in a direction or made a change in a relationship that impacted them and if you're feeling responsible or guilty and And feeling like you need to do something that's not true That's an internal feeling if you felt ashamed of your behavior or something you did and wanted to apologize That could be a very different matter But if you simply said this isn't working for me in any form and said,

I love you.

I care about you,

But no Then it's gonna hurt Heartbreaks hurt and it's okay for you to hurt and it's okay for him to hurt and you're not responsible for solving it And if you go in trying to solve that Then that's more harm than good.

I Hope that makes sense and please put in more context or more details if I have made any assumptions that are incorrect there And Brenda and Diane I Think we could fulfill a census book With a certain generation of women that have put up with uncommunicative men But that's one of those tricks I Don't mean To push on someone else but for the person in the call It's always about what they've put up with if you're in a relationship with someone who does not communicate That's also a strategy and something I've said in a lot of calls Is You're only responsible for what you put up with and patterns Do not break When they cause problems Patterns do not break when they cause harm Patterns do not break when they destroy things patterns break when they no longer work When they are no longer effective and Often when people hear that phrase and think about someone else Let me use as an example the multiple woman who just described a man who won't communicate or give silence They say,

Of course,

It's not working,

Of course,

It's not working I mean,

I'm angry with him.

I'm resentful.

I end up criticizing I've physically withdrawn.

I have emotionally withdrawn.

What do you mean?

Of course,

The patterns not working But if you look at it from their perspective They're deeply scared of being vulnerable Of putting themselves out there of being seen in their emotionally and Secure incapable state of breaking down crying of not knowing what to do and feeling lost and confused and so silence works If you come at them essentially begging and pleading on your knees To be let in to experience that side to process and feel through it to come to a greater level of intimacy and They're so scared of that that side of themselves because they've been taught and experienced their whole lives their whole lives That oh my god,

If I show that part of me,

I'm gonna be shamed criticized abandoned and left Then silence works doesn't it silence works Because they don't have to show up they don't have to see it and If you respond to silence by backing off because you're unwilling to take the next step their strategy worked and You've accepted that they're unwilling to go there It's really as plain and simple as that Because unfortunately The next step is to look and say Hey you over there,

I know you're scared.

I'm scared,

Too but right now our relationship isn't a place that I don't think either of us is happy with and I Want to find a way through this?

I'd like to find a way that we can do this together Are you open to finding a way?

And If there is no response That is your answer and you need to be prepared You need to be prepared That if they are unwilling to answer You need to be able to say hey you over there I love you,

But this is no longer the kind of relationship that I want to spend more time in It isn't something that I'm willing to act on If you are willing and able to seek out help so that we can resolve this only say this next part if you're willing to I Would love to explore finding a way through With you,

But if not I'm on the path out Because no,

I'm not willing to settle for this experience anymore.

It's not good for either of us Unfortunately That puts up all the alarm bells all the triggers all the things what would I do?

What would I do?

What would I do?

But that's the choice If doing that would cause a major major major major disruption in your life,

That's true.

That's really true and all that means is You don't want to face that disruption.

So you will accept this relationship as it is Or You can say I don't accept this relationship as it is and I'm going to explore options that minimize disruption but give me the opportunity to try something new and if someone Realizes you're serious.

Don't use it as a threat.

Don't use it as an ultimatum use it only if you are now considering it Then you can adapt moment by moment experience by experience But this class is about honoring what you are looking for and Finding a way to request it and accepting if the other person cannot meet you there Because just to add one more thing when Beth said silence doesn't work that is emotional blackmail It depends many tactics and many things Can be used in multiple ways Sometimes it's emotional blackmail Sometimes it's fear.

Sometimes it's withdrawal.

Sometimes people simply go silent because They don't know what else to say They have nowhere to go and they're trapped in between a rock and a hard place and they hope that if you go silent and They freeze the predator will leave You might be seeing them as emotional blackmail they see you as doing emotional blackmail of Go into this scary uncomfortable place that I don't know how to handle with me or else Which in itself is blackmail?

We're not blackmail,

But a threat So in all of these situations it's about accepting Yeah So I want to get into a good meditation So I'm just gonna respond to what Jacqueline said and then I think I have a good meditation to practice this because Jacqueline said my husband tells me that that he just doesn't know what to say and that's probably true He's probably in a freeze state he doesn't know how to respond he doesn't know what to do he doesn't have practice and he's looking at you saying I Don't know what you want from me and his amygdala and his body is flooded and saying I don't see a path out of this situation Which means that he sees you as a threat And if he sees you as a threat that he's trying to resolve most of his brains offline And he's trying to think of something that doesn't increase vulnerability to get out of the situation and he freezes And that's what's happening every day around the world in a lot of households as people who are frustrated and not owning their wants and not owning that someone might not be able to meet their wants and Coming at them in a way that is either attack or defense and triggering a defense mechanism where they don't know what to do and if we are experiencing that If we are experiencing that we don't try to find a new tactic to change the other person Because they sense that and they believe they're under threat We try to figure out what we want to do with the information that we have How can we greater own our wants and how can we get clear on whether the other person?

And whether the other person is able to do it and if they aren't able to do it No amount of pushing prodding poking is gonna change that Maybe a significant period of building a skill set together in a safe place will But only if they're willing and able to do that and you put water under the bridge So you get to make the final decision?

Am I comfortable with this relationship with this skill set with this capabilities?

And if I am not that is not the other person's fault We might be pushing prodding poking blackmailing trying to get them to be a different person so that we don't have the discomfort of making a decision of Whether we're comfortable being in this relationship in this form That's really all that comes down to So if everyone's ready I'd like to do a meditation or we practice accepting That the other person that you're thinking of most of you is not an enemy,

But they're exactly Who they are and what they're capable of and to remember that it's our choice whether to accept it and We're never gonna help anybody By trying to make them into the enemy or the bad person or us into the bad person for wanting so much Rather than simply owning what we want Communicating that clearly Asking if they're willing to work on becoming that person with us and if not Feeling that feeling that hurt and recognition,

But knowing that the choice is ours So if everybody can find a comfortable meditation position Go ahead and close your eyes Take a deep breath Let it out with a sigh And for the next minute I want you to feel whatever it is you're feeling right now Without letting the stories overwrite it You Because chances are even just thinking about this topic One of a couple things is showing up Burgeoning sadness Anger hurt grief fear Because the very thought of owning up To a recognition of who the person Across from you is and what they're capable of And what they're willing to do And having to make a choice I accept that as is I make a request to change that they may or may not follow or I Say I truly cannot accept this and that may mean devastating consequences in my life And reactions from them But only I can make that decision And we don't want to suppress or avoid those feelings They will show up And if we're afraid or sublimate or push away these feelings Will never take action And we'll be stuck in a loop that goes back to trying to change Or manipulate or convince the other person to be different Which only makes the relationship worse and worse And worse over time I've been there chances are you have as well So allow yourself to feel the hurt Allow yourself to feel the grief Allow yourself to feel the anger The hurt Is your own hurt of how much you've been hurting yourself By staying when your needs and desires haven't been met The grief is the recognition of the time spent In that place And the love lost and the love had But the thing is missing The anger is the part of you that's saying that's enough We really aren't willing to accept this anymore And all of those feelings We know we have a tendency to feel and go out And try to change the other person so we don't feel them We don't say we're doing that but that's what we're doing is we're saying please please change So that I don't have to accept you as you are And make my choices as they are and feel the emotions that arise But that doesn't serve either of you We know that Because it hasn't served either of you For a long time So take a moment To picture this other person All of who they are With all of your feelings currently associated And start to examine them As they are Not who you want them to be Be honest about the things that you've wanted to change And the things you still love about them Admit to yourself things like Emotionally they don't know how to do what I'm asking Or they don't have a different coping mechanism than this Or they never learned How to have a conversation like this And they're really really scared of it or They just don't care about these things that I care about Or they don't value these things that I value And be careful because this doesn't make them a bad person This makes them a person Who Has lovely things about them and things that we would rather change And I need to be really careful Because people can change All the time We're always changing But they change because they decide to change because they want to Not because they're threatened No one changes under threat And chances are we've been putting them under threat for a long time And that's not fair We know that's not fair We know that we have turned our own discomfort and pain Into a threat towards them Saying please change so that this is fixed and I don't feel this And we may have never even said it that directly or clearly But what we've communicated is you're not enough This isn't okay You need to change you're not good enough While still staying And we know we know in this moment that we have a choice We have a couple of choices So Accept this person exactly as they are Apologize for our behavior in the past that has told them they need to be different And begin to ask Once you've cleared the water under the bridge made the apologies and the understandings begin to ask If they're willing to explore new things that would be helpful for both of you With full knowledge that they can say no To say I can no longer accept this person as they are Which is also okay Even if it comes with a bundle of grief Because if you have been accepting something for a very long time It's hard to accept that now you're saying I don't accept this anymore And they will be hurt And that is okay,

Too But if that is the case It is not fair for either of you To be pushing that envelope If you're unwilling to accept the person in front of you That's all there is to it you cannot stay in a relationship where you cannot accept it Because the second you do not accept the person in front of you as they are as an autonomous being who is not good or Bad right or wrong You've turned it into a battle Not a cooperation And that battle can rage on for a long time,

But all love will leak away So be clear and honest with yourself About what you are willing to accept And if the person in front of you is miles away from what you would have ever chosen to accept If you allowed your feelings And your own self-trust to win Don't keep blaming them for who they are except that you were the one who stayed And if this person is someone you love deeply But has some quirks that you don't enjoy Accept that those are your quirks and your things And that you don't want to turn it into a battle And start asking yourself how I can turn it into an invitation For instance,

If you have a partner who freezes or goes silent and doesn't know what to say Start saying I'd like to create a space Where you have time to figure out what to say And feel safe to say it Do you have any ideas or can I look up some things?

That we,

We,

We can do this together And accept that they might say no out of fear or residual guilt or resentment And that's understandable and okay,

Too But if they do It's always about we exploring the path forward better for both of us And commit to that path But whatever you do Commit to yourself to stop The war path the battle path The one that thinks that if I push hard enough get angry enough say the right things manipulate in the right way control get sweet That I can change the person in front of you Because the second you're doing that you're setting yourself for a lifetime of grief and exhaustion pain and hurt and resentment And it never works You might get submission for a time but submission builds resentment You'll never build love and a relationship worth having So I ask you To make a last commitment here Of what you're going to do next You might start examining Ways to leave or ways to change or ways to accept But it starts with owning what you want Looking at the person in front of you and say is this what I want Is this what I want,

But there are some things that i'd like to explore together Or is this really not what I want?

And If it's not what you want or things you want to explore together The other person doesn't owe you to become that person And they certainly won't if you fight them for it So are you willing to give it a shot or not That's your choice and only you can make it And as always If this is the most important thing for you to do right now Pause or mute and keep going with this reflection.

It could change your entire life But if you feel ready today to digest and integrate what you've seen or decided Go ahead and wiggle your fingers your toes Oh allow yourself to yawn sigh or stretch And when you feel ready Go ahead and open your eyes I only have a couple of minutes because i've got to let katarina start setting up But i'm willing to bet there were some of you Who just had some really hard moments And I want to honor that I've been there I had a really awful five-year relationship Where I kept trying to change the other person And they would freeze and they would Go silent And I would stay Because I thought I could break through the silence and something would change But I just got angrier and angrier and more frustrated and more resentful and more hurt And I kept thinking if only she did something Oh,

Yeah fair.

I'll put up that in case someone feels cold If only she changed We'd be okay And that wasn't fair for either of us And it wasn't healthy And she stayed for her own reasons because she was used to being the bad one But it didn't work and it wasn't healthy and I remember clearly the moment In between a therapist a coach and someone else who said Sounds like this person isn't the person that you want Sounds like they're not prioritizing the things you want.

They're not valuing the things you want They don't want to live in the way that you want And you're trying to force them to be different And that's not going to work And I laughed and it did disrupt my whole life It really did But it created a brand new life that I absolutely love I really enjoy And it gave me the freedom to go find out what I was looking for And that's okay But it also hurts To this day.

I think about the person I became and the actions That I was and how resentful I was in that relationship And it hurts The feelings don't disappear So I want to honor everyone Who might be thinking about that today?

And I also want to honor those of you Who have been calling out things and realize where the other person is There have been a dozen times in my relationship with katarina Where i've tried to push And then said wow,

I need to understand where this person is Completely different upbringing completely different experience completely different mental training from parents completely different fears And in this one thing that's always helped me is saying in this area This person's a toddler And you can get angry at a toddler,

But it's not very helpful But you can say hey,

Would you like to learn?

I know a lot of women like that who are with men who i'm like That man when it comes to vulnerability is a five-year-old And you better accept That you're dating a five-year-old in that area of your life Because if you're not and you're trying to expect that five-year-old to be an adult,

You're gonna have a bad time But if you accept that they're a five-year-old,

But you love everyone Every other part of them And you approach them gently and say I'm,

Not willing to live forever with a five-year-old Don't say it like this,

But you know what?

I mean,

I hope But i'm willing to give you the time and space and safety to figure this out Because I love you and I care about you And what is it that you may need?

What is it that we explore because i'm going to be honest I'd like To over the long term because i'm with you for the long term Figure this out But I know it's not going to be easy.

I know it's going to be scary I know you're going to have some hard moments and I know you're going to feel like i'm going to abandon you But i'm willing to give it a shot I'm willing to try So what is it that you need one step at a time?

And if it reaches the point Where you've been saying that for a long time and they haven't taken action You reach the second part of saying am I willing to date a five-year-old Emotionally forever if not,

You're in the same position And that sucks That really sucks It hurts and nobody's gonna stop that hurt but it happens Yeah,

Don't say emotionally you're a five-year-old jackal But saying like I know you never learned how to do this.

I know you've been trained not to do this I know it's really scary,

But i'm asking you one step at a time Are you open to it?

Are you open to learning these things with me?

And last Um,

Of course if you are new I would love a follow because i'd love doing this with all of you.

I appreciate it You can always comment and come in here Um to the tracks,

Uh jazz I did just get up everything and have a pretty good process um For at least getting the whole class up on inside timer So you should see like nine coming up in the past in the next few days I'm trying to get better at isolating out the meditation and the talk Uh,

That's just more annoying Um,

So you'll be able to go back through Uh,

So you'll see those popping up Um,

And you can always provide feedback i'm always asking to say what do you need from me and what would be helpful um here um To let me know but I think those are all the updates.

I appreciate all of you I love all of you And I hope to see all of you sometime soon