Cultivating Self Worth (Live Class 1-19)

What would happen if we saw even the darkest deepest parts of ourselves as worthy of love and belonging. Not just the worthiness of the parts we're proud of. But the scared parts. The hurt parts. The lost parts. All of them.

Transcript

I wanted to give you a story,

But then I wanted to hear,

Because we haven't done this in a while,

What questions you may have.

So when I'm talking about cultivating self-worth,

I'm talking about within ourselves,

Figuring out what behavior we believe we deserve from others,

From ourselves,

What things in our actions are acceptable or unacceptable,

And in the end,

How we treat ourselves.

Because there was a line that hit me really,

Really hard six or seven years ago in the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz that said,

Paraphrasing,

You will accept the level of abuse from others that you abuse yourself.

And at first,

I was really angry with that,

The first time that I read it.

The second time that I read it,

I said,

That's probably true.

And by the third time,

I said,

That's 100% and completely true.

And the reason that it took so long to click is because at the time,

I would put up with a lot of behavior from others.

And my story was,

I just need to find the right way to be the right kind of person to do the right things to not receive this behavior.

So I didn't want to believe that I was accepting this behavior because it was the level to which I abused myself.

I wanted to believe that I was strong,

I was capable,

I was the kind of person who could handle these things.

And if only I found the right solution,

Then other people would be okay.

And then they would stop having this behavior.

And that book forced me to reconcile something differently,

Which was that I believed that unless I was the perfect person,

Read all the answers,

Who could solve the problem,

Who could sit with the emotions,

Who could figure these things out,

Then I deserved the treatment that I received.

So in a way,

I was abusing myself by saying,

Unless I am this definition of perfect,

Then I deserve to be treated in this way,

Which tore apart my entire self-concept as a capable solver,

Fixer,

Rescuer,

Someone who could handle all of these things,

And turned it into a more bitter realization.

I had constructed my life around trying to find a way in which behavior,

Which I experienced a lot in childhood,

Was acceptable if I wasn't insert level of perfect.

And once I was insert level of perfect,

Then it wouldn't happen to me anymore,

Which hurt.

And most of us have this story in some way,

Because we had to come up with a rationalization or an excuse for why we were treated poorly.

And there's really only two directions that you can take.

One that most people are familiar with,

Even though we shun it,

We avoid it,

We don't like to believe it,

Which is that I'm a bad person,

And therefore I deserve this.

We'll say it out loud.

We'll say like,

Well,

I'm not that good,

Or I'm not this.

It's like that stereotypical awful moment of trying to talk to the person with the abusive partner.

And it's like,

You're really going to let them speak to you that way.

And they say,

Well,

The dinner was cold,

In that old stereotype.

Okay,

I'm a failure.

Therefore,

I deserve to be treated this way.

But the other side of the equation,

And both matter,

Is the I haven't figured out yet how to be the right kind of person.

So that this behavior doesn't happen,

Which is just another side of the same coin,

Saying I haven't figured out how to be somebody who doesn't deserve this behavior.

And as a result,

As a result,

We often let behavior happen to us,

Because we believe we deserve it.

So we are abusing ourselves by saying we deserve this level of behavior.

If that makes sense,

I want to see if anybody has any questions about that,

Because during the grounding,

I'll think about how to weave that into the topic today.

But if that fits,

What questions or topics or situations would you like to discuss today?

Because then we'll go into the grounding,

We'll talk about it,

And we'll do a meditation,

And I'll weave all of those things based on what's most interesting to you.

I'll give everybody a minute just to think if there's something that you want.

And that can be a situation.

And if you're new here,

That could be something like I'm having a situation with this person where I allow this behavior.

And I'll use that as the example.

So whatever fits best for you.

Thinking isn't my strong place.

Well,

That might be the perfect example of some form of allowing yourself to abuse yourself,

Telling yourself you're not a good thinker.

Oh,

Fun.

Okay.

Anybody else?

Anywhere where self-worth and what you're allowing to happen to yourself,

Or a story that you tell yourself about it,

That we want to explore today?

Oh,

Elizabeth,

I have a really good story about that one from my girlfriend,

Actually.

So thank you.

That's a good one.

Anybody else have a topic on self-worth?

Because we'll weave it into the boss today.

Yeah,

Adapted a narrative to keep myself safe.

Oh,

Okay.

I don't want to end up disrupting,

But I've got a really good one for that.

Okay.

With that in mind,

And you can still digest and you can put them in as questions during the talk.

I just wanted some time to reflect.

Let's go ahead and ground.

So if you can find a comfortable position,

Close your eyes.

Go ahead and take a deep breath.

Let it out with a sigh.

And for just a minute,

Be with yourself as it is right now,

With nothing to change.

Notice,

If you can,

Any critical voice in your head that's telling you to do anything differently right now.

Because we want to start to notice the abuse that we give to ourselves.

And if in this moment,

With a prompt as simple as be with yourself for a minute,

With nothing to change,

Your mind is still yelling at you.

Then it's a brutal little one in there.

Not very kind.

So take a moment to really sit back again.

Maybe it helps to put your hands on your belly and breathe in,

Breathe out,

Simply being with the experience of your body right now.

And for one more minute,

Give yourself permission to be.

You don't need your mind telling you what to do.

You don't need to avoid any tension.

You don't need to beat yourself up.

See if you can simply be with no ask,

No expectation.

And then,

When you are ready,

Because you can sit in this as long as you need to,

Wiggle your fingers and toes.

Go ahead.

And when you are ready,

Go ahead and open your eyes.

So today is about cultivating self-worth.

And in order to cultivate self-worth,

We first have to recognize where we believe we're not worthy.

And the easiest way to see that is to see where we put up with behavior that makes us uncomfortable,

That makes us frustrated,

That makes us resentful,

That makes us hurt.

Which,

Of course,

The true Buddhist meditation phrase would be,

It doesn't make us uncomfortable.

We become uncomfortable due to our thoughts.

But at the same time,

We want to ask ourselves,

Where do we allow ourselves to be in situations where we're uncomfortable?

And then to start asking,

What do we believe about ourselves?

That means that we have to be in this situation,

That we have to be there.

Where are we in situations that make us feel ashamed?

And what are we doing that allows us to believe that we need to feel ashamed or be in situations where we feel ashamed?

And every time we ask a question like that,

The most important thing is not to avoid those situations or to come up with revenge on those people or to label them good or bad,

But to identify what it is that we believe.

And so,

For instance,

When we walk into a room,

As Elizabeth said,

And the group stops talking with an oh crap look on their faces,

What goes through our head?

Because we know,

For instance,

That these people were talking about us,

That it wasn't necessarily pretty,

And now they're caught.

So what do we now believe?

What thoughts go through our head?

Disappointment.

But are we in a group where we allow that kind of behavior?

What is it that we now believe we need to do for this to happen?

Because for this to be something that Elizabeth says means it occurs on a basis,

On a common enough basis,

That it's something to think about.

And actually,

My girlfriend told me a story once that really made sense.

Her and her sisters and her mother used to lock themselves up in,

Let's call it the woman's bathroom of their home,

And talk about their father and how bad he was and how this and commiserate with their mother and to be part of the in crowd.

But she knew there was one time in,

Let's just call it when she was 14,

Where she was complaining a lot about a friend.

And she walked down in the basement and caught her sisters,

Who just looked at her,

And she had overheard them talking about her and how whiny she was being and how annoying and how she couldn't get over it and how this.

And she felt so deeply ashamed and ran away and never really forgave that moment.

But when we look at these kinds of things,

We want to ask ourselves,

What story are we telling?

What story are we telling that allows this behavior to occur,

That allows this sort of thing to happen?

And of course,

As a child with your siblings,

It's pretty hard to tell yourself,

I don't deserve this and take action and leave.

You can't.

You can't just pick a new family.

As an adult,

We can.

But as a child,

You can't.

Which means that we have to come up with a story.

We have to come up with a story for why this is happening.

And this is the hard part.

If we come up with a story about why we are bad,

Or what we need to do to be good,

Which is the most common,

Then we excuse and allow the other person's behavior,

Which unfortunately is the most common thing that we do.

Because as a child,

If I say,

Well,

This is completely inappropriate behavior,

My mother shouldn't be speaking about my father this way,

These kinds of things shouldn't be happening.

And this is really shameful.

And it's fostering an environment that's uncomfortable.

One,

We can't think that way because our brain isn't developed.

Two,

If we did,

We would make an enemy of our family.

And it would feel really,

Really uncomfortable.

So ironically,

It's often safer to come up with an awful story about ourselves than it is to accept that the behavior of others is unacceptable,

And we do not deserve that,

Because we don't see a strategy to not having this behavior occur.

Does this first part make sense to everyone?

And as it may be clicking in a story you have about yourselves,

If it doesn't,

The next part is the part where it really breaks it open.

So the next Helena,

I'm going to use this as an example.

And I hope it's okay,

Because it's not negative.

It's not anything.

The next thing that we do in the human brain is when we have a really scary,

Really uncomfortable thing,

Belief,

Experience,

It's like a raw wound.

And if we don't know how to actually heal the wound,

We will create layers of scar tissue on top of it that are mental stories until the wound is palatable.

And so I'll use my personal example first,

So I'm not picking on Helena's framing.

If my personal wound was,

Oh crap,

My family's fighting,

It's this,

And there must be something I can do.

It must have been something I've done.

I need to find the solution.

Then the next layer is,

Well,

I need to find the solution.

I must be able to find the solution.

I'm going to work really hard.

I'm going to become really smart.

I'm going to become really capable.

I'm going to study all the books.

And all of a sudden,

Fast forward a couple of years of doing this,

I'm near valedictorian,

I'm chasing all the things,

I'm reading 100 books a year,

And it has become my identity.

Identity.

That I am the capable,

Strong,

Smart,

Hardworking person who has the answers,

Even when people don't want the answers.

So ironically,

I have crafted an identity around the core wound that I had,

Which makes me severely unwilling throughout most of my 20s to realize where it is coming from.

I was out there trying to fix the parts of myself that were lazy,

Fix the parts of myself that weren't putting in the work or weren't choosing the smart things or were balking at big goals.

But the last thing that I wanted to look at was the fact that I needed a goal,

Needed to solve the problem,

Needed to figure things out,

Needed to piece it all together.

I didn't want to see that as part of the wound,

As part of the self-worth.

Now in reverse,

This happens in different ways.

So when Helena used the phrase a little further up for those of you who hadn't joined yet,

Saying,

An advanced empath,

That becomes another one of the stories,

Which is,

If people were really hurtful as a child,

And I felt it deeply,

I can come up with a story.

And that story could either be,

There's a lot of emotion in this environment,

And it feels unsafe,

And it feels uncomfortable,

And I don't know what to do about it,

And it hurts a lot.

And this unregulated emotion in this home is overwhelming,

And no child would be able to handle it.

Or at some point,

One of those parents who doesn't want to look internally says something like,

Well,

She's just really sensitive.

And it gives us an out.

It gives us a story.

It's not that other people are having unregulated emotions and unregulated behavior that's inappropriate and uncomfortable.

I'm sensitive.

And we can create an entire story until that's something that is a huge part of our identity,

To where you walk into rooms where people are truly acting in ways that no one should be putting up with,

Although I don't like the word should,

And saying,

I'm uncomfortable because I'm an empath.

I'm uncomfortable because I'm a sensitive person.

I'm that kind of person.

It's what makes me an artist.

It's what makes me good at this.

It's what makes me this.

So we will take the wound.

Yep,

As Bev said,

We will take the wound and turn it into a story that we suddenly think is our strength,

Which is one of the most important things to switch around if we truly want to have self-trust and self-worth.

Because often people pay attention to,

But we never do the easy thing in these classes.

When people pay attention to self-worth,

They're usually paying attention to the things that they hate about themselves.

For instance,

I don't like my weight.

I don't like how I act.

I get angry sometimes.

I'm a bit lazy.

I can't control my emotions.

I can't be disciplined.

They're talking about the things in which they're already disciplining themselves more.

But the most important self-worth is usually wrapped under the story that we believe is our strength.

When you're the people pleaser,

Because you're the one who can hold it all together.

When you're the fixer,

Because no one else was there to be able to solve problems or try to solve.

When you are sensitive,

Because other people weren't able to regulate their emotions in your surroundings.

So in each of these examples,

And if anybody else wants to put them in,

We want to be equally careful today.

We do not want to go into anything focusing on self-worth by turning it into,

I just need to focus on the fact that I'm lazy.

More importantly,

You want to look into why you believe you're lazy.

And if you believe you're lazy,

What does it mean you deserve?

Because if you are shaming and criticizing yourself for failing to live up to some crazy expectations,

The more important thing is,

Why do you believe you deserve shame and criticism if you don't live up to these expectations?

Does that make sense to everyone in any questions that we're tying in here?

Yeah.

I'm going to catch to make sure that I didn't miss anybody putting something in.

And little,

That is a lot going on.

And just use little story as an example,

And some of you may join too late to see it,

But really have a lot,

Lot going on right now.

And instead of saying,

That's a lot going on right now.

And you have the half admission,

Really,

It would be a lot for anyone.

But when you can't hold it up,

You say,

I feel useless and bad at holding things.

Which another way of saying that is,

I believe that I'm supposed to hold everything and be useful,

Even in situations that are outside of my control.

Some of which are,

Some of which are not.

But I might be exhausting myself for the things that I do believe are in my control,

But are totally not.

Yep,

Timmy.

So,

With that said,

If there are not any other questions,

I want to make sure that we get time for a good meditation today.

And what I'm asking is,

If anybody joined late,

Or anybody doesn't know,

To really be thinking not about something self-worth-wise that's easy.

Don't say,

I want to,

And don't make it about the outside world either,

Because chances are you're treating yourself that way.

So,

We have tons of classes about boundaries,

And respecting,

And reacting to other people,

And how they treat us,

And how to say no,

And how to stand up for that.

There are classes for that,

And there will probably be this one this week.

But today we want to focus on why we believe we need to be beaten up,

To be criticized,

To be judged.

Because we're already doing it to ourselves.

And so,

If you find yourself saying,

But I hate the fact that I'm lazy.

I'm not going to tell you to feel love for the fact that you're lazy.

I'm going to ask you in these meditations to ask the question of why you believe you need to do all of x things in your life,

Or else you're lazy.

And that if you're lazy,

What kind of treatment do you believe you deserve?

And instead,

Have love for that aspect of yourself.

Does that make sense to everyone?

And does everybody have something that they'd be willing to work on today?

And if there's any final questions,

So that someone doesn't understand,

Please put them in,

Because I guarantee you're not alone.

Yep,

Johnny.

Johnny,

I'll put in a story while I wait to see if anybody had any questions.

Because Johnny said,

I'm often told I stay calm in situations,

But that originates from that it was not safe for me to not be calm as a child.

For the longest time,

And I haven't heard this part of myself in a while,

But Katerina,

My girlfriend,

Would describe my therapy voice,

Which was she would become emotionally unregulated.

And I would,

At the time,

I thought I was just getting calm and being present for another person.

But I was disassociating.

I was disassociating from my own emotions and saying it is not safe for me to have emotions now because this person is now unpredictable and irregular and unregulated.

And I would put on a voice that she would refer to as the therapy voice.

And for the longest time,

I would get praised for that because in emergency situations and rough situations and angry client situations and all of these things,

Someone would look and be like,

You're really able to handle yourself.

But that's not true.

I could suppress myself,

My own emotions,

My own experiences,

In order to stay present in an environment that was unhealthy,

In order to try to resolve the situation.

In a true emergency,

A fire is burning down the house.

That's helpful.

But in a continual,

Repetitive,

Recurring environment with other humans involved,

That's just not knowing how to express and bring your whole self,

Not knowing how to say no,

Not knowing how to have all of your emotions be expressed and be expected in the space.

So that's a good example of often someone with Johnny's circumstances might say,

I really want to work on the fact that I hate the fact that when I get angry,

And it's more important to say,

What is it about myself that believes that I'm never allowed to get angry?

And what story have I constructed to protect a wound that says I'm not allowed to experience this part of myself?

So with that,

Let's go ahead and get started.

If everybody can find a comfortable position,

Go ahead and close your eyes.

Take a deep breath.

Let it out with a sigh.

Go ahead and sit with yourself again for a minute.

Just to experience the way that you're treating yourself right now.

Because chances are this talk,

This has already brought up something that you're thinking about,

And your mind is having an argument about what it means.

So see if you can,

For right now,

Simply observe the argument without engaging.

Which if you're early in your meditation,

Might be hard because you think you are the voice.

But if you can try to pay attention to different parts of yourself arguing,

And you're simply witnessing it,

What are they saying?

That argument may look like,

No,

We really should have figured this out.

Why should we have figured this out?

I mean,

We're the only one who's going to hold it together.

But why do we have to hold it together?

Because we're the strong one.

Oh,

Right.

We're the strong one.

Wait,

No.

Why do we need to be strong?

What does it mean if we're not strong?

Something like that.

Whatever it is for you.

Knowing that any one of these agitated stories,

Especially ones where you're starting to feel tension in your body,

Simply getting closer to it,

Is a story layered on top of a wound.

It's blinders preventing you from facing a wound.

It's a story masking it.

So today,

When we gather our courage,

We're going to dive deep into that story.

If at any point you feel overwhelmed and start to dissociate,

Or just in general,

I'd like to ask you to put both hands on your stomach and to bring some awareness to breathing in through your belly and out slowly.

Let that feeling pass before moving forward.

Because we cannot do this work when we are too activated.

Your mind literally shuts down those areas into fight or flight.

So you know when you're starting to feel like you're in a battle rather than an exploration.

And the second that happens,

Slow down and come back to your breath.

Don't push forward.

That only makes it worse.

So with that said,

And with that break,

I want you to try to say clearly,

What is it?

What is it that your mind is trying to convince you of?

And what is it trying to protect you from?

That's the exploration that you want to keep asking with as much compassion as you can today.

And the only prompt I'll give you is any time the answer applies to someone outside yourself,

Redirect it to get an answer for you.

So if it's,

Why do I put up with anger or this?

You can say,

And the answer is,

Well,

Sometimes people just get really upset.

You want to ask again,

Just because other people get upset,

Why does that mean that I experience yelling or projection or frustration or criticism at me?

And if the answer to that is something that you're usually proud of,

Like,

Well,

I can handle it.

I'm the regulated one in the family.

As an example,

You could say,

What led to me having to be the regulated one in the family?

And what would it mean if I was unregulated?

You don't have to be smart here.

The only two instructions are to change it to be about you.

And what would it mean if I wasn't?

And if you start to get agitated,

You're on the right track.

But if you get too agitated,

Come back to your breath before moving forward.

There is no prizes for pushing through.

You'll only overwhelm yourself.

And when you find out what it is,

Your only task is to sit with it.

So if you're finally admitting to yourself something that you put up with and a story that you have constructed,

Don't rush through it.

Because first,

There will be two hard things that need to be done.

The first is to feel the pain of what led you to that belief.

Feel the loss,

The hurt,

The frustration,

The anger.

It's unique to you.

Feel the moment in which you decided that it was safer to construct a negative story about yourself than to experience the reality around you.

That hurts.

And it's totally worth it.

It's totally okay that it hurts.

And that hurt was too overwhelming at the time that it occurred.

So it's been living within you,

Shrouded for years.

But you want to go ahead and feel it today.

And again,

If your mind's tension and resistance mechanisms come way online saying,

No way,

No way,

No way,

Go back to your breathing.

There is no prizes for pushing through.

It releases as the tension stops clamping down,

Not through force or effort.

And second,

I want you to be honest with yourself about what this has done to you over the years,

Emotionally.

So if you've turned yourself into a people pleaser and suppressed frustration,

Disappointment,

Hurt,

Loneliness,

Loss,

And overgave,

Be honest with yourself about that experience.

If you have labeled yourself an empath rather than others,

Behavior is something uncomfortable and inappropriate,

And that it hurt and it still hurts.

Be honest with yourself of how many times you have excused being in uncomfortable situations due to that story.

Whatever it is for you,

Allow yourself to recognize that the story constructed to protect you from the pain never really protected you of.

It gave you armor,

But it still hurt.

It hurt in its own way,

In its own form,

And it's been hurting for a long time.

And then,

When you are ready,

Decide on a new story,

Something that is more empowering and that doesn't deserve as much negative behavior internally and externally.

And yes,

You can decide,

Because you were the one who decided.

One of the most fundamental things,

And one of the biggest reasons why people do inner child work,

Is to change from,

I'm like this because this happened as a child,

To,

As a child,

I was in these circumstances,

And I chose something that at the time felt like the lesser of two evils,

But over time,

It's hurt me for years.

And to recognize that you get to make a new choice,

Tell a new story that will serve you better today.

So it doesn't matter what you came into this meditation with.

It could be,

As someone said,

That I needed to be calm,

And you can recognize all parts of me are welcome.

And if others can't handle them,

That isn't a sign of my brokenness.

That's a sign of their inability to be in tune with those emotions for themselves.

It could be,

I may be sensitive,

But that's because I'm open to my emotions,

And I do want to be around people who are willing to regulate,

And that doesn't make me weak.

That means that I'm choosing carefully.

Whatever it is for you today,

You want to recognize how the story that you believe gives you strength and identity and purpose has also caused you a lot of pain,

And allowed you to put yourself in situations or treat yourself in a way that wasn't kind.

So take one more minute to tell yourself a new story,

A new interpretation of your experience and your future experiences.

And if you want to keep going on this and you have the time,

Please do so.

Mute,

And go for as long as feels comfortable or feels worthwhile to you.

But for us today,

Go ahead and wiggle your fingers and toes.

Give yourself a yawn,

Sigh,

Or a stretch.

And when you feel ready,

Go ahead and open your eyes.

That was everyone.

Because that's what I truly want to share in this class.

The most important aspect of self-worth is always hidden under the thing that we believe is our strength,

Because it became our strength in response to a stressful or difficult environment.

And even though we may be proud of our strength,

We may be proud of what we've developed,

It doesn't mean we have to keep using it.

We're like people who learned to fight,

But never stepped away from the battle.

We never said,

I don't have to fight.

And if we can look at those aspects of ourselves,

Like Johnny just said,

I realized being the calm and regulated person made me an emotional pincushion for unregulated people.

Ding,

Ding,

Ding.

And we realize it's not our responsibility to do that anymore.

And I will say we have different classes,

And I'll make sure to have one this week.

We are an hour earlier than we have been for a while,

Because Katerina will be doing her mindful eating ones in the next hour slot.

But we realize that we will,

When we feel these things,

Start to make changes,

And the people around us are going to be uncomfortable.

Yeah,

The way those happen.

That's because if you've been the emotional pincushion for unregulated people,

And you realize you don't have to do that anymore,

What do you think is gonna happen?

They're gonna be very,

Very uncomfortable,

Because they have been able to offload their unregulated emotions to you.

And if you say no,

They have two choices,

Or three,

I like to say,

Because it is a reminder of the scary one.

One,

Feel their emotions and regulate themselves,

Something they traditionally haven't had to do,

And probably haven't had a lot of practice with,

And have avoided at all costs.

So strategy number two is usually the first choice.

Attempt to find whatever it's going to take to push the buttons to convince you to go back to being the emotional pincushion.

Or three,

Find somebody else who's willing to be the emotional pincushion.

None of these are in your control,

Only how you respond to it.

And it is heartbreaking if someone leaves to find a new emotional pincushion.

And this goes for everybody's fear of whatever change you're going to make.

But if someone's only willing to have someone around as an emotional pincushion,

Yeah,

Elizabeth,

If they pick up their toys and leave the sandbox,

Because they don't want to share,

Then you want to say,

I don't deserve to have that kind of person in my life.

And if they start trying to push hard,

The only thing that's up to us is to say,

No,

No,

Thank you.

And when they do finally feel those unregulated emotions,

Which isn't within your control of when they do,

How they do it,

Then you end up with a better relationship.

Emotional pain cushion.

That's a good one,

Trish.

So with that said,

I've only got a couple of minutes left.

But if you are new here,

And you found us,

I do this quite a few times a week.

And you can find the group,

David Longhini's Circle,

Where I ask questions about what to do next,

And updates.

I hope this will be good enough quality that I'll keep doing what I have been doing,

Which is doing some light editing in Audacity,

And posting the whole class,

The grounding,

The meditation,

And the talk as four separate things that people can find afterwards,

And working on recording a course together.

But also,

I do always appreciate donations.

They're not expected,

But they help kind of push forward.

And what else?

Do I have any other updates?

Nope.

So I've got three more minutes left,

If other people have questions.

But.

.

.

I either feel the need to break myself or get angry.

Jokingly,

I started asking myself if it's out of pay grade to take this.

If I'm not paid or offered myself,

Then no.

No,

It's out of my pay grade,

And I leave.

I like that framing.

I do.

But to be clear,

We've got to have an anger class again.

I'm just always really careful with the anger class,

Because anger isn't activating emotion.

And I can't see all of you,

And you can pop in and out of the class.

So I'm much more comfortable doing an anger class when I can see each other,

Which I'm working on off,

Because Insight Timer doesn't have it.

Because I never quite know if I'm getting people to feel anger,

And someone's going,

Nope,

Screw it,

Doesn't get the point of the exercise,

And gets up and calls and yells that their wife or their coworker does something and quits their job.

And I'm like,

That's not what I told you to do.

But I have no control over that.

But I wish I could have had a more centered environment.

But with that said,

Getting angry is boundaries.

Getting angry is.

.

.

So when someone says,

I feel the need to either break myself or get angry,

I actually want to use that as the final message of the day,

For those of you still here,

Because it's important.

Little put it so perfectly.

If I'm under this pressure,

I have two choices.

Two choices.

One,

Convince myself that I deserve this,

Aka break myself.

Or,

If I don't deserve this,

I need to do something about it,

Which is get angry.

Because anger is saying someone has crossed a line.

I am uncomfortable,

And I need to do something about it.

And if I've learned that I can't get angry,

Because my anger and my self-worth and my self-will is going to be broken by others,

Shamed by others,

Criticized by others,

And I've stopped doing it,

Then I'll choose to break myself instead.

Where the actual effective thing is to get angry,

Get really angry,

Feel it all the way through.

Calm yourself down afterwards to figure out through the anger,

What is the core of it that I'm unwilling to do?

And then take a stand.

Make an ask,

Make a request,

Make a change.

Not to use your unregulated anger to try to solve the situation,

Because it won't work,

But to feel through and honor the anger that says,

Because all anger is in some form is,

I don't deserve this.

I don't deserve this.

And if you feel it all the way through and come to rationality,

You'll realize,

I don't deserve this.

This is uncomfortable.

And that could be my story about what happened.

That could be my story about what's happening,

Or it could be that I truly don't deserve this behavior,

And I don't want it anymore,

And I'm going to do something about it.