Today I want to talk about the practical steps for letting go.
I want to start by saying that we have to be patient with ourselves.
We need to go slow because it does take time.
There are two major parts of our brain that play a key role in the ability of letting go,
And that's the prefrontal cortex,
Which is the adult brain that makes logical sound decisions,
And then there's the limbic brain,
Which is the child brain that makes decisions based on getting relief right now and based on emotions.
The cortex and the limbic brains operate on different schedules.
The cortex can usually let go of stuff much quicker than the limbic,
Because the limbic forms an emotional attachment with the thing it's connected to.
It still sees it through the good feeling memories.
I don't know anyone who just sits down one day,
Decides what they need to let go of,
And lets go of it the same day.
It's just not possible.
It just doesn't work that way.
It's a process of figuring out what we need to let go of,
And then deciding how to let go of it,
And then eventually being able to let go of it.
Sometimes we know things are unhealthy,
We know we need to let go of them,
But we're not in a place where we actually can let go yet,
And it takes time to get to that place where we're finally able to just let go.
We can't force ourselves to let go of something that we're not ready to let go of because there's a really strong bond to that thing,
And this could be a relationship,
A job,
Or even a coping mechanism like social media or alcohol or anything.
Another important thing to understand is the default setting of our subconscious brain.
Our behaviors and habits are kind of like a thermostat.
We can set the thermostat to 68 degrees,
And that thermostat can go a few degrees below and a few degrees above before the thing kicks back on and starts heating or air conditioning the house again.
That's the same with our coping mechanisms.
We can go a little bit away from that particular degrees,
But at some point our subconscious mind kicks back in to re-establish that point of 68 degrees.
This is why we slide back into habits even without realizing it sometimes,
And it takes a long time to create a new default setting,
So that's where patience and compassion is important.
So it is possible that you let go of something,
But then one day without realizing it you go back to it,
And that's not a failure.
It's just one more step towards making a new default setting.
And especially in high-stress moments,
You'll realize that the body goes back into that default setting,
And that's normal.
But when there is more capacity,
More safety,
Then you have more time to create new default settings.
So please don't be hard on yourself if you see yourself going back on certain patterns.
It's all part of the process.
Also something very important when it comes to letting go is that change doesn't always lead to positive results.
It also triggers negative results.
For example,
Friends and family often don't like the changes that we take on.
This results in opposition,
Persecution,
Attempts to gaslight,
Pressure to conform to old ways,
And just generally negative comments from the people that you love.
And this can turn into doubt or confusion or second-guessing,
Especially if you get criticized by a narcissist.
Relationships that you thought were strong may fall away,
And that can lead to loneliness and feeling like you're living in the unknown,
And that in itself triggers fear of change and fear of the unknown.
It can be difficult to realize that people are not cheering you on to be healthier,
Because if people don't want to grow,
Then you are a mirror for them that they don't like,
And this is why you get that negative reaction.
So at some point you may hit a fork in the road.
Part of you wants to go back to the old ways,
And then part of you wants to continue to change.
And going back to the old ways is easier.
It gives short-term relief,
But also long-term pain.
And if you stay on the new path and continue to change,
It's short-term pain with long-term relief.
So it's just about giving yourself the time and kind of going back and forth sometimes before parts of you decide 100% they're ready to continue to change.
A big point to be aware of is that you'll experience pain whichever path you choose.
Try your best to be aware of when your cortex brain or your limbic brain is directing you,
And try to think with your cortex brain.
Also,
Transitioning to a new normal actually feels wrong initially.
Not people-pleasing can feel selfish at first,
And setting boundaries with family can feel disloyal.
Also,
When you start really looking at the issues in your life and you let go of one issue,
It tends to make you think about underlying issues of that issue,
Which tends to make you become more aware of new issues that you never saw before.
They say,
New level,
New devil.
For example,
You may think people-pleasing is the problem just to realize that the people-pleasing is because of shame.
This can feel exhausting at first because there's always something new showing up,
But I promise,
If you hang in there,
Things do start to stabilize.
So as you're letting go,
Just remember to tackle one thing at a time.
Think about one person that you need to entirely let go of,
Or that you need to change boundaries with.
And this may be an all-or-nothing,
But usually it isn't.
You may need to ditch your family.
You may not need to ditch your family totally,
But it might be temporarily until you get stronger and aren't as negatively affected by their behaviors.
You may just need to spend less time with certain people,
And you may just need to set boundaries where you don't put up with any disrespect.
And then just looking at one behavior at a time,
Or one coping mechanism at a time,
That you need to entirely let go of,
Or that you need to change your internal boundaries with.
This means figuring out what part is healthy,
And then understanding when it crosses over into unhealthy.
And this can be anything from eating,
To TV,
To social media,
To exercise,
Or even to sleep.
And letting go often results in grieving,
And finding new and healthy attachments to people and places and things.
But I just wanted to share this in case you are in the process of letting go,
Because it is really about the journey,
Not the destination,
And it takes time.
