Acknowledging My Growth Regarding Anger

This is some journaling I did before a Live event I hosted here on Insight Timer. It acknowledges the growth I've achieved in shedding my angry identity since starting on my mindfulness journey. I begin by talking about how this came about and then my process behind sharing. Then I talk about my childhood and past and share some insights there about limiting beliefs and how they shaped me. Next I share about finding the right mental health program and routine and schedule and how I used mindfulness to change my habits and be able to show up for all of you here on Insight Timer.

The beautiful, wonderful, glorious background music is curtesy of the amazingly talented Blossom Violet. We are using Blossom Violet's copyrighted track "Grace Of A Butterfly."

I would also like to thank my fellow Insight Timer teachers Anisha Maheshwari and Shauna Rae. Anisha for inspiring me during her Live and Shauna for holding space for me to write during her Live.

Transcript

Hi friend,

Welcome.

My name is Kaitlyn.

I am so thrilled and humbled you are here today.

I would like to share with you a letter I wrote about acknowledging my growth in my journey,

Allowing me to be the person you see here on Insight Timer.

I shared this in my live on Tuesday,

January 28,

2025,

And I got a lot of good feedback from the friends in attendance and encouragement to make this letter a track.

So here we are.

I was inspired to write this letter after attending a live by Anisha Maheshwari called The Wheel of Wisdom,

A series she is hosting right now on Insight Timer.

We were talking about limiting beliefs and somewhere along the line I was like,

Whoa,

Kaitlyn,

You really need to give yourself credit for how far you have come on your journey.

Like you talk about being a mindful crochet artist and how you began your mindfulness journey,

But you never talked about the backstory,

The why of needing mindfulness and why it kept being suggested to you.

I ended up messaging with Anisha and I shared with her she had inspired me to share.

I had put it out into the universe.

So again,

Here we are.

I settled in and wrote up my letter during another live by a wonderful teacher on Insight Timer,

Shawna Ray.

Towards the end of her live,

I shared in the chat that I used my time with the group to journal about acknowledging my growth to share in my live.

So again,

I had put it out in the universe.

As we got about a half hour from my live,

I started to feel a lack of confidence and I didn't want to share what I had written.

I was unsure about sharing.

I just didn't feel it anymore.

I felt so confident in writing it,

But then once it was out and I was marinating,

I was like,

Hmm,

Maybe I don't want to do this.

So I pulled some cards.

Oracle cards are a fun tool to use when you don't really know what direction to take.

They add something to think about or hopefully a new perspective you didn't realize before.

Okay,

So I pulled my cards.

First,

I went to the four agreements deck by Don Miguel Ruiz.

I pulled a card from the theme of always do your best and the card says honor yourself.

So right there,

My question of should I was answered.

Yes,

Caitlin,

Do it.

Say the thing.

Read the pages.

The back of the card says honor the person that you are.

Take the risk to express your dream.

Taking action is about living fully and expressing what you are.

That really spoke to me and allowed me the space to get ready to share.

The next card was from the tarot deck.

I pulled the six of cups.

This card is about honoring and nurturing your inner child and celebrating happy childhood memories and spending time with loved ones and chosen family.

That spoke to me because we were going to talk about limiting beliefs I picked up in my childhood from all my grown-ups and it was adverse childhood experiences,

Not happy,

Fuzzy,

Warm childhood memories.

But anyway,

Next card was from the empath's empowerment deck by Judith Orloff and I pulled focus on gratitude and this card shares don't wait for a crisis to happen to be grateful for your life.

Today focus on what you have to be thankful for.

Yes,

This was another sign to share because I have so much to be thankful for.

I have come so far and have been on such a journey to get to be this Caitlin I share with all of you.

The last card was from the sacred rebels oracle by Alana Fairchild.

This card was number 42 and says the word wants to be written.

The quote from the guidebook of this deck that really caught my attention was it is time to stop the shame and claim yourself in love instead.

Whoa,

Just wow.

That line shook me up and sealed the deal that the following letter needed to be shared in some venue.

And now we are recording it for more friends to experience.

I hope you find some value in the following talk.

I would like to hear about it if it resonates.

Feel free to message me on insight timer as well if you would like to share but are not comfortable sharing a public review that is vulnerable.

I understand.

So here we go.

I'm going to just say what I had written,

Which is what I did during the live.

I didn't add in anything really that won't be captured in the talk here.

Thank you so much in advance for listening and joining me in celebrating my journey away from anger.

Hi friends.

Welcome.

Thank you so much for joining me today.

I can't express how much joy it gives me to see all the love bubbles floating by and especially when you come in the chat.

That is something else.

I love this community we have built and are cultivating.

I know sometimes we are busy,

So we just can't be involved in the chat or we just don't feel like being seen.

That's okay too.

But I encourage you,

If you're on the fence about jumping into the forefront of the conversation,

Please do share.

I understand sometimes we feel shy or like we don't want to interrupt or anything,

But please trust me.

You are not interrupting anything.

The chat is not an interruption.

The chat is how we all connect together.

Okay.

Anyway,

Those in the back,

I see you and I love you and I so appreciate you being here in whatever way you wish to be in the space.

Thank you.

So hi friends.

I'm Caitlin.

I'm a mindful crochet artist here in the Hudson Valley in New York.

I'm originally from New Jersey,

But I went to school up in Poughkeepsie on the river and I felt called home.

I was on a live earlier this morning with Anisha and the talk and Anisha inspired me to share some of my journey.

I realized I don't give myself enough credit for how far I've come on my journey,

How I am able to be here with all of you and share my time and space and energy and love and knowledge with you all.

I used to have a very tumultuous relationship with anger,

Like I was a very angry person.

It was deep seated and long rooted and usually simmering right under the surface,

Ready to be set off at a moment's notice.

I had a heavy awareness of the turmoil in the world and the potential for problems and things when I was a very small person.

Little Caitlin was an old soul at a very young age,

Very conscious of the horrors that exist on the planet.

But anyway,

That made me bitter about the injustices in the world.

I had one of those pretty cushy 90s suburban lives,

But the parents were heavy alcoholics and also of the mindset that we were fed and clothed and not abused,

So we were fine.

During the live,

I was called to speak about my first reading of The Outsiders in fifth grade when Cherry tells Ponyboy things are rough all over,

Like there are so many perspectives and so many hardships from so many different angles.

But anyway,

Moving on.

I also grew up Catholic and was exposed to the real adult version of the Bible in first or second grade.

There are some nuts stories in there that are not at all appropriate for that age group to be exposed to.

Okay,

Off track.

Raised Catholic.

Lots of conditioning and things from that too.

Underneath it all was this bitterness and resentment,

But it all stems from my grown-ups and their beliefs and how they were shaping my world.

I don't know.

Okay,

Long story short,

My anger is,

Was cultivated at a very young age and it was never properly addressed until about three years ago.

I seem all smiley and happy-go-lucky to you all,

I'm sure.

Most of you share that I offer a cozy,

Welcoming space.

I so appreciate you sharing that.

Thank you.

And I have always drawn people to me in a certain way as well,

But there was always this dark side to me.

My mom has told me on quite a few occasions that I am cruel.

I just know what to say to really dig a knife into someone's back.

I did not want that to be part of my identity anymore.

My mood swings used to be out of control.

I'd go from good to just pissed off and flying off the handle and screaming at everybody and slamming things.

And that was just how I lived my life for a very long time.

Finally,

Finally,

About three years ago now,

I got in a program with a wonderful therapist and psychiatrist and got my meds figured out.

So I have quite a few things on my neurodivergent list.

And to me,

Getting clarity with a diagnosis was amazing.

I love a good label.

So organized.

Yes.

So bipolar,

PMDD,

Which is premenstrual dysphoric disorder,

SAD,

Seasonal affective disorder,

As well as being highly sensitive or sensory processing sensitivity.

And yes,

My medical professional of a psychiatrist actually validated me in diagnosing me as highly sensitive,

Quote medical terminology.

Also,

Probably I'm on the autism spectrum and I have possible ADHD.

So it took a lot of habit and pattern tracking and discussions,

Honest discussions,

Open discussions about my tantrums with my care team.

If they didn't really know about my reactivity,

We couldn't address it.

So going to therapy and journaling and doing art therapy and getting really,

Really deep into my crochet and mood tracking and trying CBT,

Cognitive behavioral therapy and DBT,

Dialectical behavior therapy skills and taking my meds and meditating and changing my morning and night routine,

Getting on a sleep schedule.

Being involved in community,

Making friends.

These are all the things I've done over these last few years to help get me to be the Caitlin you see here,

Welcoming you all to this space and into your creativity.

I would also like to share,

I feel everyone is creative.

It is on a spectrum and it is like a muscle that can be exercised and strengthened.

There are so many infinite ways we all express our creativity.

Okay,

That's all.

I could keep going because writing is fun right now,

But let's chat.

Okay,

Friends,

That really is all.

Thank you for listening to my letter about acknowledging how far I've come on my journey and how much I have changed to be able to offer all of you wonderful folks a space to come and hang and create.

Looking forward to either hearing from you in the reviews or a message or maybe even in one of my lives.

Sending so much love to you.

Blessings and namaste.

Reviews

The vulnerability you shared in your message Caitlin is incredible . You have certainly come a long way and have touched and inspired so many with your letter and I especially liked you describing the card pulls you did before deciding to read your letter .
I am grateful for you and insight timer

I really appreciate your honesty. It’s helpful to hear. This is very touching. I listened to your live today first time and thanks to you, I immediately I felt like painting (which I’ve been procrastinating on). I’m so glad you are here. 😻👏🏼😻👏🏼🎨💜💜💜

Omgoodness Caitlin! Thank you for being so brave and vulnerable and raw and authentic and open and beautiful and kind and compassionate. I am bookmarking this track to return to when I have more time bc SO MUCH of your experience resonates with me. Girl, you are not alone. It is SO HARD when advocating for yourself means actively exposing your angriest, most shameful parts. Externally, everyone sees happy, loving, outgoing, and under the surface there sits hurt and pain (not cruelty Caitlin, pain). Anyway, I could go on and on but I am out of time. Please know: you are incredible and I am so grateful you shared this part of you. 💞🫂❤️‍🩹🕊️

Beautiful message and very good to know your journey now brings happiness to others- anger makes us exhausted

Caitlin this is so beautiful! You are so wise and such a inspiration!

This was so beautiful to hear your journey, Caitlin. I was in the live when you first shared it and am so happy to see you recorded it! Thank you for sharing! It’s really inspiring to hear. 🙏💖🦁💪✨

Caitlin this talk touched my heart deeply. I could feel myself tear up at times 🥲. Thank you for sharing your Journey with us 🙏🏼🩷

Beautiful 💜 and wonderful that you were able to acknowledge the issue and addressed it so well 😊