Denial: The Childhood Trigger That Stays With You

In this calming practice, Louisa Nixon — The Confidence Whisperer and creator of Monkey Drum Truths — guides you to gently explore how denial, a survival strategy we often learn as children, can echo into adulthood. With grounding breath, compassionate self-witnessing, and affirmations, you’ll be invited to soften, release old patterns, and reconnect with your true self.

Transcript

Welcome,

Beautiful soul.

I'm Louisa Nixon,

The Confidence Whisperer.

I believe in the power of an organized mind rather than a reactive one.

I am a survivor,

A co-dependency recoverer,

A coach and a healer.

I want to offer you my monkey drum truths in meditation form and I offer this because I know the feeling of being beyond reach,

Of waking up in a psych ward,

Unable to receive,

Unable to understand what was happening inside me.

These practices are tools that helped me claw my way back and I place them gently on your path with profound gratitude for your trust and willingness to spend time with me here today.

Before we go inward,

I just want to speak a word about the outer world right now.

I see denial everywhere.

Leaders dodging reality,

Headlines thick with cognitive dissonance.

When the truth feels unbearable,

We reshape it into something that we can actually tolerate.

But the truth avoided becomes pain prolonged.

What we resist will persist.

This meditation is an invitation to meet reality with love,

Starting inside your own nervous system.

So I want you to take a slow breath in and out.

Let your shoulders soften.

Feel the ground under you.

If it helps,

Place a hand on your heart and then another on your belly.

You are safe to feel.

You are safe to know.

I want to talk about what denial in a family system does to a child.

Maybe you know this experience.

A home where truth is rarely spoken in your reality.

Perhaps addiction drifted through the rooms.

Maybe alcoholism,

Drug use or mental health patterns like narcissism or borderline traits.

Maybe there wasn't overt chaos.

Maybe it was emotional indifference,

Hostility or constant tension that nobody could give a name to.

Maybe your meals were missed,

Schoolwork ignored,

Arguments flared in front of the kids and nobody admitted the hurt.

On the outside,

Everything looked tidy.

Inside,

Nothing was ever spoken of in that reality.

When a child is born into a family rooted in denial or a situation even rooted in denial,

The child must adapt.

A child needs the family to survive so they abandon their inner reality to stay attached to the system.

They will distort reality to survive reality.

This is not your fault.

All children fear abandonment.

Let this land,

All children acclimatise to the weather of the home.

We are all born asleep.

90% of us operating largely subconsciously.

The brain's default mode network hums along in the background.

We hear thoughts and we feel emotions and we assume in my body,

This is me.

Most people react to what they think they think and what they feel without realising you can think about your thinking,

Think about your feeling and actually step back and witness both.

And if you were forced to adapt to crazy making situations,

You learned to bend truth to keep belonging.

You learn to bend truth to keep belonging.

That denial strategy often continues into your adult life.

We carry illogical logic that once kept us safe.

Healthy people can feel abnormal.

Kindness can seem suspicious.

Peace feels unfamiliar and some of us seek turbulence or even bring it into relationships because something must be wrong to feel normal.

This is learned strategy.

It's not a flaw in you.

We are downloaded,

Programmed,

Indoctrinated,

Domesticated into survival beliefs.

As adults,

We may feel deeply insecure.

Fear,

Abandonment and rejection and ironically live in denial ourselves.

Abandon ourself.

Coping can look like eating issues,

Alcohol,

Overuse of weed,

Thrill-seeking,

Risky sex,

Gardening,

Extremes of all kinds,

Shopping.

Often we were never shown you matter.

What you feel matters.

My own childhood looked really safe.

No shouting,

No chaos on the surface.

And I lived with my grandmother after being with my mother and father for about 18 months.

I would never have called it traumatic.

And yet,

Abandonment threaded through my nervous system.

I chased love,

Performed,

Tolerated too much.

Only now,

At the age of 57,

Am I waking up to how deeply that early separation shaped my toxic patterns.

There is a time for forgiveness.

But before that,

There is a time for truth.

To say,

This happened.

It mattered.

This reality happened and it did matter.

And the inner child carries real wounds.

They're still in there in the nervous system.

Healing begins not by denying them,

But by surrendering to what's true with kindness and compassion.

And this is how denial gets wired in and how gaslighting breaks trust in yourself.

In denial-based homes,

Obvious reality is contradicted.

So a child will come in and say,

Dad's drunk.

And the caregiver will say,

No,

He isn't.

The child can see it.

Yet the person they need says it isn't so.

And the child cannot oppose the caregiver.

Attachment is survival.

So the child overrides their own perception.

Over time,

You can't trust your instincts.

You're taught what you see,

You're not seeing.

What you feel,

You're not feeling.

And that is the template of self-gaslighting,

To deny your own reality.

And language itself tells on us.

Take the word mother,

Remove the M and you have other.

Our other bonds often carry the imprint of mother.

Mother provides the other in yourself.

Take parent,

Rearrange the letters and you get partner.

Don't you find this fascinating?

We repeat patterns,

Hoping to finally receive what was missing.

And denial becomes a defense and a way of life and protection.

Oh no,

That's not happening.

Everything is fine.

We cope with stress by not naming it.

We marry what is familiar and then pretend it's different.

And we default to denial because it once kept us safe.

And the cost,

You are not allowed to have your reality.

Tears were shamed or banished.

I'll give you something to cry about.

Mockery,

Put downs,

Humiliation might've been normal in your house.

Your house might've looked perfect from the outside.

Meals were cooked,

Bills were paid,

School uniforms were ironed,

But emotional truth was exiled to another island.

Many people with parents who struggle,

Addiction,

Untreated mental health,

Chronic hostility,

They share this paradox.

Outward order,

Inward erasure.

As adults,

This can sharp as energy blocks,

Real energy blocks in the body,

A body that holds what the mind has refused to feel.

Tight chests,

Clenched guts,

Palpitations of the heart,

Fatigue,

Cycles of exhaustion.

Just remember your body is complex.

It's always seeking appropriate medical care.

And this support is a practical support,

Not a substitute for healthcare.

But the moment we awaken and start to feel those repressed things like anger,

Grief,

And the sacred work,

On the healing path,

Your anger will often arrive if you let it.

It is appropriate,

Dear soul.

You may feel anger about chaotic,

Erratic parents,

About codependency that shielded dysfunction,

About your own compliance.

Why the hell did I tolerate this?

Why didn't I speak?

Offer your immense compassion.

You were a child doing what children must do to survive.

Anger is a doorway,

Not a destination.

Do not camp there.

Process it so that it can move.

And as you honor your story,

You begin to grow a healthy ego,

The structure that lets you say,

I feel what I feel.

I saw what I saw.

You reclaim the right to your inner reality.

This is where boundaries rise.

And some people will not like them around you.

Culture may say you can't set limits with parents.

Friends may pressure you to backpedal,

To declare your reality false.

Your own family will do this.

Set the boundary anyway.

Prepare for the long haul.

Hold your center.

The truth will set you free.

And yes,

First it often hurts and floods you with the pain and what was never allowed to be felt.

That flood is freedom arriving.

So let's meet your truth in your body.

Let's inhale slowly for four.

Hold for two.

Exhale long for six.

Whisper,

I am safe to know.

Let any image of your childhood rise.

You don't have to relive it.

Simply witness it.

Picture the younger you in a family room,

A familiar room.

Notice their eyes,

Their posture.

Say softly,

I believe you.

Pause long enough for the body to register those words.

If emotions come,

Allow them.

If numbness comes,

Honor that as protection that once served you.

Place a palm over your eyes,

Then lower it to your heart.

Say,

What I saw matters.

What I feel matters.

Notice any urge to minimize or explain away.

Meet that urge with kindness.

Thank you for protecting me.

I can hold the truth now.

On your next exhale,

Picture a thin film peeling away from your chest.

The film that says everything is fine.

Breathe into the space that opens.

If a quiet anger is present,

Let it be warm,

Not scorching.

Heat that softens the knot so it can untie.

Imagine a conversation where you once overrode yourself.

Inhale,

My reality is real.

Exhale,

I choose a boundary.

See yourself say one clear sentence.

No justification,

No essay.

Feel your feet on the ground as you speak it.

Now,

Some language rewiring.

Mother,

Other.

Parent,

Partner.

Whisper.

I see the old imprint.

I do not need to repeat it.

Hand on heart.

I offer myself the mothering I missed.

Hand on belly.

I offer myself the partnering I deserve.

Now for integration.

Breathe.

Sense the default mode network quieting as awareness watches thoughts and feelings roll by like clouds.

Repeat.

I am the one who notices.

I am not my thoughts.

I am not my feelings.

I am the noticing.

Re-entering life.

Living now.

Not hijacked by the past.

Until we learn how to do this,

The past hijacks the now and the now shapes a future we don't want.

As you practice telling yourself the truth,

Gently,

Steadily,

You begin to integrate the past.

Live in the present and shape your new story,

An abundant future.

This is what human evolution looks like at the nervous system level.

You choosing reality with love.

These are your affirmations to close.

Repeat them slowly,

Out loud or in your head.

What happened mattered and I matter.

I can think about my thinking and feel about my feelings.

My body is safe to soften.

My truth is safe to speak.

I set boundaries and keep my heart open to myself.

I belong to me.

Take one more slow breath.

Sense the ground when you're ready and as you are ready,

Open your eyes.

Thanks for lending me your ears and your courage.

Your trust is a gift beyond words.

If this resonated,

I host a free live masterclass every month and a gentle group space where we do this work together.

Unlearning denial,

Rewiring the nervous system and reclaiming an honest,

Love-driven life.

You are warmly invited.

Big love,

Louisa Nixon,

Your confidence whisperer.

Just remember this practice supports emotional healing and is not a substitute for medical or psychiatric care.

Please seek appropriate professional support whenever you need it.

Reviews

Excellent. Truth avoidance is pain.