Turn Conflict Into Connection

Are you afraid that conflict will drive you two apart?

Imagine the relief of feeling heard, the joy of smooth conversations, and the harmony that comes from truly understanding each other. In this class, I'll guide you through simple yet profound communication techniques that transform how you express yourself. By learning how to use “I” statements effectively, you'll discover how to address issues without triggering defensiveness.

You’ll walk away with the tools to resolve misunderstandings before they spiral, creating a foundation of trust and openness. Experience the peace that comes from knowing how to navigate challenges together, strengthening your connection rather than weakening it.

Transcript

The topic today is communication breakdown,

Conflict avoidance,

And before we start and talk about how that looks in real life and what you can do about it,

I want to define a conflict for today's class as a difference in opinion or emotions between people.

How that conflict turns out,

How you deal with it,

That's a different story.

But in general,

A conflict is a difference in opinion or emotions.

Let's start with that.

Some of the real-life examples that you may have noticed you do or your partner is doing or someone else is doing is bottled-up emotions.

You're not talking about how you feel,

How you like stuff,

How you don't like stuff.

You're not saying that you're unhappy and if you feel the need to cry,

You might not say it.

If you have the need to be helped because you need that physical support for your emotional state,

You don't say it.

It doesn't just mean that you hold back on when you're angry or when you don't like stuff.

It also means that you hold back on when you're happy and when you don't talk about your needs because that's what it actually is.

When you talk about how you feel,

You're expressing your needs.

What happens is your partner,

They don't fulfill them unless they're a mind reader.

How should they know?

If you never tell them,

They don't know but you still have probably,

Maybe,

Expectations on how they should behave,

On what they should do,

On how it looks like when they support you but you haven't told them so they might not fulfill these expectations.

What happens is that you don't feel heard.

You don't feel understood and you might even start resenting them.

I want to be around.

I want to talk to you.

You don't get me.

All of that and all because you're not talking about it.

Another real-life example is walking on eggshells.

Really,

Really careful on what you say,

On how you say it,

On how you behave.

Sometimes even on how you dress because you want to avoid that conflict.

You're not talking about your needs.

You're not talking about their needs.

It's tiptoeing around each other.

Another real-life example could be that you only have surface-level conversations.

Again,

You're not talking about your needs.

You're not talking about your emotions.

You're not talking about the feelings you have.

Your ideas,

Your fears,

Your worries.

It's just about the weather,

Maybe about the children.

After a while,

Some couples,

If they have children,

They start talking only about the children.

With that,

That's also a way to avoid talking about their needs,

Talking about what they need,

What they want and don't have the conflict because that's a safe space.

If we talk about children,

If we talk about the weather,

If we talk about the dogs I have two,

It's a safe space.

Nothing happens there because there is no difference of opinions or emotions when we talk about these topics.

These surface-level conversations,

They lead to superficial interaction.

If that's something you want to do,

If you enjoy doing,

Fair enough,

Do it.

If this is something where you say,

I want to have deeper conversation,

A deeper connection,

Particularly emotionally,

You might want to look on,

Are you avoiding conflict?

What happens when you try to avoid conflict?

When you bottle up your emotions,

When you walk on eggshells,

When you only have this surface-level conversation is you're not being yourself.

As human beings,

We want to talk about ourselves.

We want to be understood.

We want to be heard.

We don't talk about our ideas,

Our needs,

Our emotions.

We don't get that.

That means you're constantly playing a role.

Constantly,

Maybe even when you're on your own,

Because it's so hard to let go of that role,

To be yourself.

What happens is,

And this is,

I find a very important perspective,

Your partner doesn't get the chance to love you for who you are and to love you to the fullest.

I'm going to repeat this because I feel this is a very important notion,

An important perspective.

When you hold back with your needs,

When you try to avoid,

To share your needs because you're afraid of having a conflict,

Your partner doesn't get the chance to love you for who you are.

And they don't get the chance to love you to the fullest because they can't fulfill your needs because you don't tell them,

Because you are probably afraid of something.

This brings me to two reflective questions.

I'm going,

I've prepared them,

So I'm going to put them in the comment box.

Oh,

Just give me a second.

So that you have them as well.

Oh,

Off you go,

Here you go.

These are the two reflective questions for this topic.

What am I afraid of to happen to me?

Not to the relationship,

Not to my partner.

What am I afraid of that happens to me when I avoid that conflict?

When I don't talk about what I need because I'm afraid of what?

What could happen to you?

The second question is,

What outcome could happen if you have a conflict with your partner?

And I want you to find three scenarios where it turns out beautifully before you go into the drama mode and find three examples how it could turn negatively for you.

I want you to start with a positive scenario,

With a beautiful,

With a dream scenario.

Just to give your brain a chance to see it also can be beautiful to share my needs,

To have that conflict,

That difference of opinions,

That difference of emotions.

It's okay.

Let's move on to what can you do?

First of all,

You create a safe space.

If you feel the need to talk about your needs,

If you're not happy with how the relationship is going or what's happening right now,

Maybe they're breathing too loud and you're like,

Whoa,

Stop it.

I want you to create a safe space.

That means active listening.

We talked about that in the last class.

How to actively listen to your partner and there won't be any judgment.

Whatever they say,

It's a difference of opinions or feelings.

Probably has nothing to do with you.

So don't take it personally.

Just see it as a statement.

Oh,

This is what they're thinking of,

Or this is how they feel.

Another thing you can do is address issues early.

That can be any issues,

Anything that isn't what you like it to be.

Because the beautiful thing is when we talk about our emotions,

Our needs,

What we want to do,

What we want to do,

We're talking about our needs,

What we want to do.

And when we talk about our emotions,

Our needs,

What we want,

We can start building a proper foundation.

Because what you do is you go to your partner,

You tell them,

One judgmental,

Without shame and blame,

What your needs are,

And they get the chance to respond.

They get the chance to tell you,

I can meet you halfway,

I'm not ready to go full way,

But halfway,

Would that be okay?

I might say,

Yeah,

Actually halfway is amazing.

Let's do that.

So you get the chance to give your partner the chance to walk with you that way,

To build that foundation for your relationship.

Because you had a conflict,

It didn't have to end up in a big fight,

A big argument,

However you want to call it.

And what you can do to talk about your needs with your partner is you can use I statements.

And here's the thing,

Don't say,

I feel sad when you say blah,

Blah,

Blah.

First of all,

What does sad mean?

Everyone defines sad differently.

My set is probably not your set.

The body feeling I have when I feel sad is probably not the same that you have.

So when I say I feel sad,

What does it actually mean?

And then there is this you,

When you say that,

I feel like this.

Two things that happen here.

First of all,

I give all my power to you.

Because now I say,

Because of you,

I feel like this.

That means if you do something nice,

I feel happy,

Amazing.

But that also means that I take away,

I give away the power to be happy regardless of your behavior.

And the other thing is what you do is you shame and blame them.

That's what often happens when you say,

You did this,

You said this,

And that's why I reacted like this.

You shame them.

And that's the start of when the emotions come in,

When the feelings come in.

And we humans,

We act on our feelings.

And when we feel we're getting attacked,

We're going into the defense.

Or we go in and jump in and try to hurt the other person as well.

And that's when we have a conflict that ends in an argument,

In shouting maybe,

In throwing stuff.

Sometimes even in hurting each other physically.

And we don't want that.

You can avoid that.

Let me see.

Instead of,

I feel sad when you do that.

You could do,

Well,

You could say,

It makes me feel unwanted.

When I get told there is no time for a dinner date with me.

I repeat that.

It makes me feel unwanted or unloved.

When I get told there is no time for a dinner date with me.

First,

You don't have any you.

There is no blaming,

No shaming.

You're not attacking your partner directly or in any way.

What you just say is a statement.

You literally say,

I feel unwanted.

When someone,

Maybe everyone,

Anyone tells me,

I don't have time to go for dinner with you.

That makes me feel unloved.

And that unloved might be,

And I'm sad when you say that.

But how clear is it now to you?

When I say to you,

I feel unloved.

I feel unwanted when I get told that there's no time to go for dinner.

You probably understand better where I'm coming from,

What I want to tell you.

And it gives you the space.

It gives your partner the space to step back and say,

Oh,

Okay.

I don't have to defend myself.

It's not an attack.

It's not an attack.

This is what's going on.

So before I finish,

Remember,

Conflicts are part of a healthy relationship,

Of any healthy relationship.

Because when two people come together,

There is occasionally a difference of opinions or feelings.

That's normal.

That's natural.

That's healthy.

What's not healthy is the way you handle it.

That's when it becomes unhealthy,

When you go into defense,

When you go into attacking,

When you go into your ego trip.

So conflict is healthy for the relationship.

And with that,

I finish my lecture.

Reviews

Wow! Spot on!! Love this talk & going to share with my partner. Thanks! 🙏🏻