The Power Of Perspective

Live Class Recording - When was the last time you stepped back, took a breath, and saw what’s really there?

This session shows you how changing your perspective can shift your entire relationship — from constant conflict to deeper compassion.

Transcript

We talk about the power of perception and I've prepared some stuff that I want to go through. So bear with me. And first of all, I want to say that perspective is part of the GAP philosophy that I created for my group and one-on-one clients and students. And why it's important to me, To you, Is I've seen that when people come to me, They lack that perspective. Because what usually happens is you're so in your own bubble, Which is just natural for us humans. We are so in our own bubble. And when your brain is used to a certain pattern, Like, Hmm, This is where I'm going, Something's happening, Ooh, It's negative. That's a pattern. And if your brain isn't used, Isn't trained to look at it from a different perspective, You don't get there. So that's when the lack is there to have that perspective, To see if there is a different meaning to what is happening or how you could name it. And it's just, I like to call it little training or no training at all. That's all it is because you haven't been born like this. You trained yourself, You got trained and then you continue training yourself. So you have these behavioral and thought patterns. And what we're trying with this session today and all my other sessions and all my work is to just introduce you to a different view, To a different perspective. And that's why I love this topic so, So much because it's just like a little introduction, Like, Have you ever thought about this? The second thing I want to talk about is that there are two parts of perception because perception is often used to say that, Particularly when you're anxious, It says, Okay, You're anxious, But what is real? What do you see? What do you hear? What do you, Can you touch? What do you know? So that's kind of perception. That's one way to look at it. It's one perception of perception if you like to do it that way, But that's one way or one definition. The other definition is that it's you zooming in and you zooming out. You literally change your view, Your point of view. That's a different perspective. Yeah, If you're on the bottom of the hill, You're looking up, If you're on top of the hill, You're looking down. A different perspective, A different perception of what is around you. So these are the two ways of perception we're talking about, But more of the second one. Got three examples for you. And the first one is where perception often comes in to play when thinking they don't care when they don't call. For example, When they forget your birthday. And two personal stories here. I had a boyfriend once and it was my birthday. And it was a special birthday to me because doctors told me that I would never reach that age, 34, So it wasn't that old, But 34. They said, Anna, You will never reach that age. People with your condition will die before they reach that age. It was my 34th birthday, Yay, Lucky me. It was also the day of the funeral of my best friend's mother. So I flew to Germany to go to that funeral. And while I was there, I flew in and flew out on the same day, But while I was there, My boyfriend at the time, He didn't call me. He didn't text me. There was nothing, Literally nothing that said, Hey, Happy birthday, I'm thinking of you. How are you doing? Nothing. And I, At one point, I was walking around like a little zombie thinking, Well, He doesn't care. Yeah, He doesn't care. It's my birthday. It's this special birthday. And he doesn't care. So when I was back at the airport, I called him and said, By the way, It's my birthday. And he said, I know, But I also know it's your friend's mother's funeral. I didn't want to disturb. I didn't want to bother you. I didn't want to interrupt and cause you trouble in any way because I thought if I call you, You might not have time or you might not be there for her. So that's why I didn't call you. And that's the thing. Yeah, He had his perception of the situation. I had my perception of the situation, But I went straight to, Hmm, He's ignoring me. Hmm, He forgot about me. Yeah, That's where the brain goes because I trained my brain to go that way. Now, The other story for this is that that friend of mine, I forgot her birthday. I didn't call her on her birthday. I didn't think anything about it. I didn't think of her or her birthday on the day. I thought a lot about her during the year, During the weeks. I mean, She's in Germany, I'm in China now. And at that point, I was already in China. So there wasn't, It wasn't malicious. It wasn't that I wanted to forget or that I didn't want to call her. It was just, My brain was somewhere else. I simply forgot. And when I remembered the day after and I called her, I said, I forgot your birthday. And she said, Yeah, I thought you don't like me anymore. Yeah, So she thought the same that I thought more than 10 years before when my partner at the time forgot my birthday. And I said, No, It's no, Nothing like that. Just was my head was in a different space and I didn't have a reminder on my phone. I just forgot, I'm so sorry. Doesn't change anything about my love though. And that was it. But I wanted to show you this, How easy our brain goes into that pattern that we have trained it for so long. Another example is that you might believe silence means rejecting you. So I have here a couple of things that I want to talk because there is this movie, It's called, He's Just Not That Into You. And I love this movie simply because it says it all in that one sentence. Often when we meet someone and they don't call us, They don't want to get in touch again, We think it's us. Yeah, You have this perception. You put it on, You said something is wrong with me. Now take that spotlight, Take what, If it has nothing to do with you, But that person just not feeling it. It's sometimes that simple. They don't feel it. So they don't want to pursue it. They don't want to do it again, Same as you. But when someone is rejecting you, It's like, Is there something wrong with me? What have I done wrong? And if we don't get that answer, Then we sometimes turn into blaming the other person. Oh, They have been wrong and something's wrong with them. So we just try to, One way or another, Don't want to face it. It's like, Just not that into you. Or it might mean that they need time for themselves. So when you know someone a bit longer, Your boyfriend or your partner, Your husband, Your children, Your friends, Whoever, And they say, I need time for myself. It doesn't mean they don't want to spend the time with you. In particular, It might just mean I don't want to spend time with anyone. I have that. I had that just a couple of months ago where my friend called me and said, Hey, Do you want to go out for dinner tonight? And my first instinct was, Yeah, Yeah, I look forward to it. Yeah, Let's do that. And then on second thought, I was like, But I'd rather be by myself tonight because my husband, He's on a business trip. I have the house up for myself. Yeah, Enjoy this. So I called her and said, You know what? I changed my mind. I said, Is it about me? I said, No, I just would like to be by myself. That's all. Nothing more, Nothing less. Has nothing to do with you, But I prefer my own company over your company right now. And it doesn't mean anything. It just means that that's what makes me happy. And it doesn't mean that I love you less or I want to spend any less time with you at a different point. Change of perspective. Or it could mean that they're overwhelmed and don't know what to do. Yeah, Sometimes the people just walk away. They reject you. They are mean to you because they don't know how to handle any situation or that particular situation. They are overwhelmed with, Don't know what to do, So I don't do anything. And just walk away. Or I don't know what to do, So I'm shouting. And again, That's the pattern. That's their behavioral pattern. They've been trained, Same as you have been trained to do what you do. I want you to be aware of that. Now, My third example is another private story. And I had that in one of my sessions with a one-on-one client today. And he said that he was supposed to do a presentation for some investor meeting, Da-da-da. And he said, Anna, I prepared the presentation a week before and then I was just lazy. I just sent it to my partner and gave everything to him. And then he sent it back to me. And then last minute I did all the changes that I wanted to have changed and everything I changed, Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And I said, Okay, So what are you telling me? I said, I'm telling you that I'm lazy and that I do everything last minute. That was his perception. This is who I am. Said, How did the presentation go? He said, Amazing. Yeah, I was fully prepared. And he said, Okay, I tell you how I like to look at it. Because my behavior is the same. My perception is different. How I perceive it is that I prepare my first draft a week before. I have a training end of next week on overthinking and I have prepared my overview already. So it's there. The day before I will sit down and we'll go through the slides. I will go through the material. I will focus. I will put all my focus in doing that. And the next day I will be prepared. No drama, No bad talking, No self-shame, No self-blame, Just a different perception, A different perspective. So my perception is that I'm efficient and focused in preparing so that I can give that presentation, That training to the best of my knowledge. And that can mean that the day before I change everything. Doesn't matter. But his perception of himself was that he's lazy and that he's last minute. So that was, In my eyes, It's self-blame and self-shame. So bad self-talk. And that is pressure for your body, Your soul, Your mind and doesn't get you anywhere. Because when you use that power of perception to just look at things from a different angle, To say, Okay, What do I actually know? What do I actually see? And don't get me wrong, Your eyes can perceive you, What you feel can perceive you. But what you just guess or the interpretation that you put onto people's thoughts, Not just behavior, We love to put an interpretation on what people think. That doesn't get you anywhere. When you leave that out of your life, You have less conflict. Less conflict as you ask, What is the reason? That's what you do with your partner. Instead of guessing, Instead of assuming, What is the reason for your reaction? And now here, It's important to be aware of your tone and the words that you choose. Because sometimes we go like, What the fuck is wrong with you? So that might be offending to your partner when you do that. But when you go and said, I don't understand what is the reason for your behavior? Would you mind explaining it to me? And then they might do, They might not know why. But that's okay. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you stay open or become open to that different perception and not just one way street. And of course you will have a more balanced communication and it builds trust. When you're not just assuming, When you're not just jumping into that, What your brain tells you, That pattern that you have. And just like, Hold on a second. How else can I look at this? That builds trust because it means that you're open and you give your partner the chance that there might be more than just that one reason that's in your head. There is more to it. And of course you are calmer and mentally more resilient. Because when you're not constantly figuring out, Trying to figure out what other people think, Why other people do that and what's wrong with you and start to accept, It's a game changer. And of course the disadvantages when you're staying in that one way lane and don't want to look outside from a different perspective to get that different perception, There will be misunderstandings. And there might be feelings of not being loved. You're not enough. You're confused. You're alone. Because that's where your brain takes you. When you are in that bubble of yours and that's when your brain is like, This is what we'll do. And like with the rejection, If someone rejects you, If you have applied for a job and you get a rejection, You take it personally and you blame them. And that brings your mental health out of rack. Yeah, It's tough and your body will suffer with you. And we don't want that. That's not what we're here for. But now we come to the most important thing, What to do. And the first thing is to pause before you react. Now, It's easy to say, But be aware that you might not notice. You will react and you won't think anything about your perception and change your perspective. You won't do that if your brain hasn't been trained to do that. And I am working in this field now for over 10 years. My brain is fairly well-trained. I still forget, I still go into that tantrum. So what I want to say is that be patient with yourself. You need to train. And if you want to start, If you're at the very beginning, What you can do is to give yourself two minutes, Think about the situation where you have just spiraled and think, What other perception could I take on here? What other angle is there? How else could I view that? And don't do it into bad or good, Positive or negative, Just different. Try different, Start with different before you move on to more positive, Et cetera. Start with different. Another thing you can do is to ask a clarifying question. Like I said before, With your partner, With your friends, With your family, With your children, Ask clarifying questions and be careful of your tone and choice of words. The other thing is to reflect on one alternate explanation. Like I said, This goes in with the first thing, Pause before you react. This is how you can train that because then your brain becomes aware like, Oh, This is a new pattern. Let's try this, Let's start this and see where it takes us. And the more you do that, The more you become aware in the situation. Not always at the right time in that moment, But it will become more often. And that takes me or brings me to the end of my lecture today.