Live Class Recording - Seeking external validation is deeply human — but when it becomes a pattern, it can erode self-trust and autonomy. This discussion centers around how to gently shift from needing approval to building inner confidence and clarity.
Meet your Teacher
Shenyang, Liaoning, China
Transcript
The need for validation, How to trust yourself again. And I love definitions, So I've written down two definitions. The first one is a constant external validation creates dependency. And I think this isn't news to any one of us. We know that if we constantly seek external validation, If we constantly get external validation, It makes us depending on that external validation, Whoever we get it from. And if you don't get it, If you don't find it, You feel out of control or powerless. Because if that's the case, If you're depending on that external validation for so long and you don't know how to give yourself validation, Then you feel out of control because you don't know what to do. You don't know what else you can do to make other people approve of your behavior, Of you as a person, Of your thoughts, Your feelings, Etc. So that might feel like out of control and powerless because it's like, What else can I do to show them? And so they tell me, They show me what I need to hear, What I need to see. And for internal validation, It builds resilience and self-worth. In theory, I want to say in theory, Because here comes the big but. The big but is your inner critic. And that is the voice in your head that many of us have defined as, This is me. A nice example is when you say, I am a perfectionist. I love it when people say that, Particularly when they are my clients, Because then I can say, No, No, No, No. You're not a perfectionist. Parts of you are having these traits of a perfectionist, But you are not a perfectionist. There is something inside you, That voice in your head that tells you like, You have to do better. You have to look over it again. It needs to be perfect. It needs to be amazing. There can't be any mistakes. If you make mistakes, You're weak. And that drives you to become that perfectionist. And that that drives you is part of who you are, But it's not you because you are a variety of things. Sounds a bit weird when I say things, But you are a variety of characters. Let's call it characters. And the perfectionist is one of them. And in the short term, In the short one, It drives you forward and it makes you exceptional. But in the long run, It's just exhausting. And again, When it comes to validation, You might do this. You might seek out perfectionism to get the validation, The external validation from other people. That might be through telling you what an amazing job you did or giving you a promotion, Giving you an award, Just talking about you in a nice way. So we need to be careful if that internal validation builds resilience and selfless in the way that it feels calm and joyful or neutral inside your body. So your emotion is neutral. It doesn't feel like there is stress or push or tension because then it might be that the inner critic is pushing you forward and saying, Hey, Do this. And when you do that, You feel amazing and you are amazing. So it's a difference. And I've written down three examples for how it looks like when you're someone who needs external validation. The first one is you need your partner to approve every decision. And that goes from what food to order or to buy, From clothes to wear, What car to drive, What to put in your car and what job to have. So from small to big. You want your partner's approval on every decision. And then you might even do what they say. And then you might not like it or you might not be good at it or you might not get the promotion they said they would or how you approached it like they say you should approach it. And you don't get that. So you don't get the outcome that you were hoping for, That you were expecting for, That they said you might get or you will get. And that leads us to blaming the partner or if it's the other way around, They blame you. And that's where resentment starts. Because as soon as you start blaming someone else, What's happening to you, You start to resent them. And at first it might just be little and you might not even notice it. But over time, Bit by bit, It builds. And that is then a big emotional disconnect. The second example is that doubting their commitment, Their love, Their loyalty, When they don't praise or affirm you. So if you don't get that external validation from your partner, That they tell you in the morning how beautiful you are, That they don't bring you the coffee in the morning, That they don't answer your messages immediately. When you don't get that external validation from them, You're doubting them. It's like, No, They don't love me anymore. They are not committed. So your brain goes into overdrive and finds reason for what does this mean. This means they are not with me anymore. They are not loyal. They are probably cheating. They are probably off somewhere else with someone else and they are lying. Because you don't get that validation. And as soon as they then give you the validation, You probably go around and said, Why did this take you so long? So there isn't no appreciation. So we're going around in circles when we're depending on external validation. I think it's becoming clearer and clearer with the examples. And my last example is that changing outfits, Opinion or plans based on their reaction. And what I mean by that is it's not even their words. It's not even that they say don't do this or I don't think it's a good idea. It's just they might not give you as much praise or approval or they just give a look or they might just breathe heavily and your interpretation goes straight into, No, Don't like it. Because that's the pattern you mastered in that sense. You mastered the pattern. Your brain has mastered the pattern that particular reaction from your partner that isn't praise, That isn't that you perceive as positive, Is negative, Not good. Again, On the other hand, If you get that positive, The first time you might not even notice it. Like I said with the example before that, You doubt them and then they give you the validation and you won't believe it. And that all comes back to self-acceptance. But we get there at the end when we talk about how to improve. First, I want to talk you through what this leads to in your relationship when this external validation becomes a dependency. The first thing I've written down is a disconnect in your relationship. And I talk about the emotional intimacy that just goes out of the window because what's not there anymore is trust. You might, If you're the one who needs that validation, It seems clear, It seems quite obvious that there is a lack of trust in yourself. And you don't trust your partner. And that becomes even more clear when I work with clients and we're having this scenario. It becomes clear in the sense of that when the partner doesn't or says what's on their mind and that's what's on their mind isn't quite as positive or nice or nicely worded as my client wants to, The whole trust is gone. It's just like, Not just the trust in one area, It's just like, No, I can't deal with this person anymore. I don't want to be with that person anymore. The trust is gone. Nothing they ever say, Even if it's reaffirming them that they love them, They want to be with them, There's no trust anymore. So not having that foundation of trust in your relationship already creates a disconnect. And with that need for that validation, It grows bigger and bigger. And it also leads to, Of course, Dependence. I already mentioned a lack of trust and you give away your power by not taking responsibility for your choices and behavior. We had that in the last session where we talked about behavior and choices. And it's so powerful when you accept that every choice you make, There's always a choice, First of all, There's always a choice. But I want to exclude traumatic experiences where you are in this fight, Flight or free situation. So let's put those aside. That's a different thematic, We say in German, But different thing. Let's not include those. So we just talk about day-to-day situations and you always have a choice. What you don't like is probably the outcome of your choice or the consequences of your choice. So there's no such thing as a good or a bad choice. Every choice is the best amazing choice you ever made because you don't know what would have happened if you would have chosen any other way. But our brain goes into like we're having a crystal ball now and now we can see the future because as soon as we give the meaning to a choice that it's a bad choice, We believe we could have foreseen or now we can foresee what would have happened if we would have chosen differently. But we don't. It's just to play a game our brain likes to play. And with that comes taking responsibility for your choices. I say, Yeah, I did this. Or in this case, When we talk about needing external validation, It starts with just saying, Yeah, I need that. I don't know how to validate myself right now in this moment of time or this moment in time. I need that to feel better, To feel like I'm alive, To feel like I'm worthy, To feel like I'm lovable, To feel like I'm here. And that is OK. But taking that responsibility takes back your power. It says like, Yes. By seeing that, By accepting that, You take back the power and say, Yeah, I am here and I know this. No one else can tell me anything because I am aware, I accept this and this is my responsibility. I believe it's the most powerful thing to take responsibility for your actions and your choices. But that's just me. Another thing that it leads to is a disconnect to yourself. I already mentioned that the self-trust, It's just like it's not there because you don't trust your choices, Particularly or maybe because you fall into this trap of good and bad choice of, Oh, I have my crystal ball somewhere and I just get it out and now I can see what would have happened if I would have chosen any other way. But you don't. I believe that things are meant to be, Things are meant to happen and in the most foundational way, Everything that happens is neutral. But your brain gives it a meaning because it goes through a filter system and then it comes out with, This is the meaning we are presenting and then it's your choice. Do I take this meaning on? Do I look at it from a different angle? Do I change perspective? But in itself, Everything is neutral and what you make out of it, Your responsibility, But it's also your choice and that is the power you have, That you can say that I change my reality. So, But let's get back to disconnect with yourself. So you don't know what you want and you don't know who you are. Or you've forgotten who you are. Because at one point you probably knew that. I think your subconscious still knows that. But you've forgotten along the way by giving away your power, You've forgotten who you are and what you want and you've forgotten how it is to set boundaries in order to protect yourself, In order to keep that neutral. Because often we strive for happiness and first of all, We need to define what does happiness mean? Because it means different things to different people. And secondly, It's then I find add on pressure to then stay happy. And for me, It's like, Why should I do that to myself? Why should I put on that pressure to feel happy all the time when in itself feeling happy is just an interpretation of what's going on around me and how I want to give it meaning. So now let's move to the how to improve part, How to improve and trust yourself again. At least start, Have an introduction into how to trust yourself again. The first thing I've written down is practice self-praise. Now this sounds amazing. And if you can say, I'm proud of myself for dot dot dot, That's amazing. If you mean it, Then it's really amazing. Because we can say many things, But if you don't believe it, If I am proud of myself is a big stretch and it's like, No, Then don't do it. Because it won't help you. It's like you're just saying words, But it doesn't help you. If you want to know more about affirmations, Because this goes into that section of affirmations, There is a free track about how affirmations actually work. Go and listen to it. So if I'm proud of myself for becoming aware that I don't take responsibility for my choices, If that I am proud, Feels like, No, That's okay. Let's try. I'm okay. That I don't take responsibility for my choices. I might want to say, I like. We don't have to go full force because we want to, If I am proud, That's an identity statement. And if that identity just feel fake, There's no point in reinforcing it or repeating it because you need to be proud. Practice, You need time, Step-by-step to believe in the next step. And eventually if you go from, I hate myself, Which is a big word. I hate myself for not taking responsibility for my choices. If we can let go of that, I hate and say, I'm okay. That's a big step. And if I'm okay with not taking responsibility for my choices, If that is okay and in your body, It feels like, Don't know what to do with this. That's okay. That's something we can work with. But if it's like, I'm proud and say, Come on, Shut up. No, So don't stretch, Don't stretch it, Do little steps. And then the next thing you could do is ask, Do I like this? Or do I just want my partner to like it? And here's the thing, If you want to wear something because your partner thinks you're a living dream in this outfit, Do it, Just wear it. As long as you feel okay with it, Wear it. That's okay. It's okay to make our partner happy with things that, Where they say, Oh, This looks so amazing on you and you think like, Really? And if you just want to make them happy by wearing that, Do it. But again, Somewhere there is a limit. If you only wear things that your partner wants you to wear and you don't, You're not okay with them, You might not even like them, You feel uncomfortable, You feel ashamed, Then there is a need for a boundary. And the boundary has a consequence. I want to remind you of that, Not to setting a boundary, But set also a consequence with that boundary and reinforce it. So be honest. Is it okay for you to like a dress, Particularly because they think you're a dream come true in it? And be okay with your honesty. So be honest. This is a reoccurring theme here. Be honest to yourself. In order to trust yourself, You need to start being honest with yourself to accept. And that is my third thing, How to improve. If you have been here before, You heard about my GAP philosophy. It's gratitude, Acceptance, Perspective. And in this case, It's the acceptance of who you are. And right now, In this moment, In time, It's okay to just say, I am someone who needs external validation. Full stop. It doesn't mean that we can't change it. It doesn't mean that it will be the same to the end of our days. It doesn't mean that we are weak. It only means that we are aware. And these are the building materials that we have in order to move forward, In order to get where we want to be, In order to improve our relationship, Improve our state of mind, In order to grow. This is a moment in time today. This is what I can accept who I am, What I bring to the table. And that's it. There is no need for judgment, For shame or for blame, Because all of us, We have the good, The bad and the ugly. We all have that. But in the end, It's what we're working with. And that's what acceptance is, At least to me in my GAP philosophy, We accept what we have today, Right now in this moment of time. And that's it. And I find that gives you, Or at least it gives me, And when I work with my clients and we work through that acceptance, It is an amazing feeling to just let go of that hiding, That pushing away and that trying to be different and just say, Okay, But this is just what we have. Yeah, This is, Like I said, The building materials. It's not the end. It's just what we're working with. And that brings me to the end of my lecture today.
