Releasing The "Good Girl" Mask

Live Class Recording - You feel bad to say 'no', on your priority list you rank very low, and you show the world a big smile when, inside, you want to cry? Then this live session is for you as we talk about letting go of perfection and finding freedom in authenticity — so you can finally be yourself in love and life.

Transcript

Let's talk about releasing the Good Girl Mask.

And as some of you already know,

I have written an international bestseller with two other ladies.

And in that book,

I write about my relationship with my previous partner.

And that's exactly the topic we're talking today,

Because at that time,

I was wearing the Good Girl Mask.

And I want to share with you the what did it look like for me,

The why,

Why did I put that mask on,

And how you can take it off.

So I want to start with making two things clear,

That we all wear different masks in different situations with different people,

Different events at different times.

So I have,

And you probably as well,

Have many,

Many different masks.

And one of them might be that Good Girl Mask.

Now,

My Good Girl Mask,

I was only wearing it in that particular relationship.

In none of the relationships before,

And not in the one after,

And not outside that relationship.

I'm definitely not known as the good girl.

You can ask my friends,

I'm not the good girl.

I'm the one who tells the truth.

I'm the one who's saying,

I don't feel comfortable.

I don't want to be here.

I'm going.

I'm not the good girl.

But in that particular relationship,

I was the good girl.

And I will explain to you why when we come to the why.

And I want you to reflect after the class,

Reflect on when are you wearing that Good Girl Mask?

Is it in particular areas,

Particular situations with particular people?

Or is it in all of your relationships,

Romantic relationships?

Maybe it's with your parents.

And be aware that you can be a badass bitch at work.

And wear that mask in your relationship.

That's what I did.

I was that badass bitch at work.

I always got in my portfolio review like,

She's the ice queen.

I'm not the good girl.

But in my relationship with that particular person,

I was the good girl.

Now,

Let's talk about what that looked like for me in my relationship.

And I want to start with telling you that he was an alcoholic.

I didn't know that.

I didn't see it until we moved in together one and a half years later.

And it became a bit obvious that he was drinking a lot,

Particularly when I found the hidden bottles inside the sofa on top of the kitchen cupboard,

Etc.

So there were signs when it finally clicked.

I knew he was drinking a lot,

But the level.

I didn't want to see it,

I think.

The good girl is just shutting up.

But I thought that,

Yeah,

Okay,

So alcohol number one.

But I want to be your priority.

I want to be the first thing you think in the morning and the last thing you think when you go to bed.

And I thought if I just love him more.

If I'm just nicer,

If I just take everything away and he doesn't have to worry about everything,

Anything,

Then he will have that epiphany.

Oh,

My God,

Anna,

You're amazing.

You're the best.

I love you.

I don't need anything and anyone else.

I finally see that that was what I was thinking.

So even though I was working full time and I four times a week,

I went to do my degrees.

I did everything.

I did the chores.

When there was a problem,

I solved it.

There was a problem.

We needed someone to fix the shower.

I was taking care of it.

There needs to be cleaning.

I did the cleaning.

In the end,

We got a cleaner because it didn't work very well.

But whatever needed to be done in between,

I did it.

I picked him up at 6 a.

M.

In the morning from a train station that was 50 kilometers away from where we lived.

And because he got drunk,

He missed the train and he missed to get out of the train that he was on.

So he fell asleep and he ended up somewhere.

And I went and I picked him up before I went to work.

He forgot to meet me at things because he was drunk.

He didn't satisfy me physically,

Sexually.

He didn't even touch me for a month.

And all I did was smile.

It's okay.

I didn't complain.

I asked occasionally,

So is there a reason?

Is there anything I can do to help you want me?

I thought that I was the problem.

I thought that I needed to change,

That I needed to be different,

That I needed to be more accommodating so that he would finally see me.

So that was my good girl mask,

What it looked like in my relationship,

In my situation.

Now,

The big question is why?

Why did I do that?

How can it be that you are a badass bitch outside everywhere in every area of your life,

But when it comes to that particular relationship,

You're not?

And what comes to mind first thing is insecurities.

And yes,

I was insecure in that relationship,

But later we learn from our experiences,

We think them through,

We reflect.

And I realized that what had changed,

Why this particular relationship,

Why five years?

It's because I started to believe what people have been telling me for over 30 years.

Because when I was a teenager in my twenties,

People told me,

Anna,

You need to be different.

Anna,

You don't fit in.

Anna,

The way you do it,

It's not how we do it.

Anna,

You need to stick with a partner.

Anna,

There is no such thing as a fairy tale romance.

There won't be a night in shining armor.

There won't be the happily ever after.

It's time for you to settle down.

You're in your thirties now.

Anna,

Don't you think it's time to start a family?

So all of these voices,

I've been listening to them and I was strong enough for so many years to say,

Nope,

Nope,

Not my opinion.

But eventually I believed them.

I listened and I believed.

I listened to them and I thought,

Yeah,

I'm 32 now.

When I started this relationship,

I was 32.

Yeah.

Oh,

My biological clock is ticking.

Oh yeah.

Well,

They tell me that there is no such thing that you're a long-term relationship and you're still happy.

There were times when I came home and I could see the light was on and I didn't want to go home.

Because I knew I would feel so sucked out.

I didn't want to go home,

But because I believed in all of these things,

There was no doubt in my mind that I'm not doing the right thing.

There was no question in my head,

Like,

Why are you doing this to yourself?

There was no thinking of why don't you leave?

Because I believed all of these things.

I believed that this is my last chance.

This is as good as it gets.

This is how long-term relationships look like.

I believed it.

And that's why there wasn't any doubt.

And that's the reason why I could carry that good girl mask,

Because I believed in it.

Reflect,

Is that something that you feel like,

Maybe,

Maybe?

What is your why?

Maybe my why is something that is in your why.

Maybe it's something different.

But could it be that you believe in that so much that wearing that good girl mask is just like,

Of course,

What else?

There's no question in your mind that doubts that.

Now,

Let's move on to the how.

How to take it off.

How to take that good girl mask off.

And if you are aware that you're wearing that good girl mask,

In particular situations,

In your relationship,

With your partner,

With different people,

Then you already have the awareness.

And that's the first step to become aware.

That,

Yeah,

I'm doing this.

And just today,

With one of my one-on-one clients,

We were talking about awareness.

And as soon as this awareness hit them,

They told me like,

But now I don't like it.

It feels uncomfortable.

I don't want to be in.

I want it to go away.

And that might happen to you as well,

Because becoming aware also creates a reaction,

A body reaction,

An emotion.

And your brain probably goes into overdrive.

Now,

I want you to be a bit of service.

What's going to happen?

Is it that your brain starts to ask questions like,

Why am I doing this to me?

What's wrong with me?

And that's your way to push that uncomfortable body feeling away.

It doesn't feel nice.

And overthinking happens often as a pacifier.

Yeah.

So you don't need to feel,

You can think,

You can overthink,

You can go into that spiral and circle around.

So you ask questions like,

What's wrong with me?

And your brain walks around,

Searches high and low to give you answers to that questions,

To every question that comes up.

And then that creates more questions.

And that's why we get into that loop,

Into that spiral of overthinking.

And if you catch yourself there,

If you become aware that I'm in that spiral,

What I would like you to try is that instead of asking the question,

Make it a statement.

So instead of,

Well,

Why am I doing this to myself?

You make it a,

I am doing this to myself.

Period.

That's it.

And that probably creates a body reaction,

An emotion inside you.

And when that happens,

I want you to sit with it.

Your pattern is probably to start thinking,

Ask all of these questions,

Try to figure out,

Try to find a solution.

But what I'm asking you is to just sit with that uncomfortable feeling,

With that emotion,

That whatever comes up in your body,

Sit with it.

Wait it out,

Give it a minute.

And you will notice that that emotion that comes up will become lighter.

And that happens just because you don't try to push it away.

You sit with it.

You just some kind of accept it as part of you.

Ah,

You're here now as well.

Okay.

Stay here.

You can stay here.

Doesn't mean you like it.

It just means it's okay if it's staying.

And you will probably have that reaction that you want to go back into overthinking because that's your comfort zone.

That's where you feel comfortable.

Even though it's annoying,

Even though it's pressuring,

Even though it's exhausting,

It's your comfort zone.

That's okay.

You're aware of it now.

And now you can sit with it and wait for it to become lighter.

It might go away completely.

It might not.

And what I also want to tell you is that you try this and then the next time that you become aware of something and your brain goes into overthinking,

You might not remember what I just told you.

You might remember it in the evening,

The next day.

And that's okay.

Whenever it happens,

Take the time to sit with it.

It doesn't need to happen in that situation.

It takes training for your brain to get there.

Or a constant reminder.

If you have post-its all over the place to have that constant reminder,

Then you get there quicker.

If not,

It takes time to practice.

And the more you practice,

And it doesn't matter at what specific time you do it,

As soon as you become aware,

As soon as you feel that emotion come up,

You sit with it.

And you will notice it gets lighter.

And that's how you take off that good girl mask.

Because you don't want to run away anymore.

You don't want to please anymore.

You don't want to hide anymore.

Because what I did,

I was believing them.

And I was carrying that mask.

If I would have been aware in that situation or in those years that,

Oh,

This is what I'm doing,

Just by becoming aware,

Just by sitting with that comfortable emotion,

It would have changed the relationship.

It would have changed me.

Because I would have changed my perspective.

But I was so in my tunnel vision that there was no other perspective.

So,

Lucky you.

You may now get a different perspective.

You may now trying this,

Or by trying this,

Find that different perspective to take that mask off.

That doesn't mean you're not a kind person anymore.

It doesn't mean that you don't help people anymore.

It doesn't mean that you're not supporting anymore.

It just means that you now look after yourself first.

And with that,

I finish my lecture for today.