Past betrayals and how they affect your relationship and I want to start with saying past betrayals.
They can be with your current partner,
They can be with a partner that you had in the past but they can also be with people who are not your partner,
Who've never been your partner,
Your parents,
Your friends,
Co-workers and you can carry all of that betrayal into your relationship because our brain doesn't differentiate.
When we get hurt,
When it paints us what happened to us,
We carry that with us unless we heal from it.
So let's talk about past betrayal by whoever and when we talk about past betrayal that can be that you have been lied to or that you have been cheated on and there are other different ways then you can feel betrayed and what's important to know is when it happens,
When you get betrayed by whoever,
Yes that person or whoever it is,
That person is doing something to you that paints you,
That hurts you but what actually happens is that you lose the trust not just into them,
Into what they're saying,
To their behavior but more so into yourself and how we do that or how we know that we're doing it is we have these questions.
Why didn't I see it?
How could I let that happen to me?
How did I let them do that to me?
I should have known.
So you ignored all of that red flags and that causes you to lose the trust in yourself.
So past betrayal,
Yes you lose the trust in that person who betrayed you but more so you lose the trust in yourself that you might not do anything different in the future and I want you to bear that in mind that the most important part when we get betrayed is to heal and trust ourselves again.
Now how does that look like when we have been betrayed or when we still have the fear of being betrayed and I put down three very common ways that people behave in that shows that they haven't healed from betrayal and the first one is you are constantly suspicious so you doubt everything your partner is doing or saying and that is the littlest thing it doesn't have to be a big thing it can just be they look at you in a way and it's like oh my god why are you looking at me that way there's something going on so you're constantly suspicious and then there is this fear of repetition that it will happen again and like I said before it's the fear it will happen to you again and you might react in the same way that you did before you might stay in the relationship even though it hurts you might ignore what happens and feel hurt after so there is this constant fear you feel anxious all the time that it happened to you again and a very very common one that I see with many of my clients when they have been betrayed and now they want to heal from it they are controlling so you act overly controlling because you believe if you control it makes you feel better if you control what your partner is doing what they are saying what they are with whom with what they do you believe that gives you back the trust maybe you're someone who controls by looking into your partner's phone all the time you want to see who they are texting what are they texting and you believe that this is giving you back control and this is helping you trust them again if you don't find anything that maybe concerns you again or makes you suspicious or you might be someone who wants to know what your partner is doing at all times because you believe that if you know that what they are doing who they are doing it with and where they are what they do you believe that this is helping you heal and trust them but it actually doesn't more to that later so what I want you to reflect on is where do you lack trust in yourself because like I said before if you get betrayed you lose the trust in yourself in your decisions in your worth in your strength so where do you lack trust in yourself now the big question is what can you do what can you do to trust your partner again I've created a course it's called rebuild trust after betray here on inside timer so have a look listen to it it might help you and we talk a lot about trusting yourself again because that's the main thing trust yourself again so rebuild the trust there is the course start trusting in yourself what do you need from your partner so that you can trust yourself and the interesting thing is that you don't need your partner to do much apart from listening because it starts with you the other thing you can do of course is open communication talk to your partner about your past betrayals talk to them openly and honest of what happened to you in the past and use I statements so don't blame don't shame them particularly if the betrayer happened with a different person don't bring that into your relationship and onto your partner making them carry that weight off okay this happened to you someone else did it to you and now they have to carry that load because first of all it's not fair they haven't done anything and secondly they probably will never live up to your expectations because you haven't healed from it you haven't learned to trust yourself now you're bringing it into your relationship you're carrying it with you so talk to your partner about it be open about what happened and what you need from them to help you here and the third point is seek professional help I know been there done that we believe we can do it ourselves and I'm sure that you can do it by yourself it takes time though and I always like to say when you get professional help from someone like me a counselor a therapist or whoever it helps you get there faster that's the the magical word you get there faster you will get there in the end eventually because what often happens when you do it yourself you are so in it with all your emotions with all your fears and with the lack of trusting yourself knowing what to do that you get lost that you have setbacks and you lose the patience and then you put it off and might come back in a couple of days a month years but you will get there eventually but if you want to get there faster seek professional help to get you work through it to help you trust in yourself again.
