Managing Conflict Without Escalating

Live Class Recording - Conflict is inevitable, but how we handle it determines the health of a relationship. Escalating arguments lead to resentment, while calm and respectful approaches foster resolution and emotional safety.

Transcript

Today,

We talk about managing conflict without escalating.

And before we go into the examples of how it looks like when you escalate a conflict,

I want you to remember that conflict is inevitable.

And it happens in every relationship,

Not just in your romantic relationship.

Conflict happens with your parents,

With your children,

With your co-workers,

With the lady at the tilt,

With the gentleman in the shop.

It doesn't matter.

As soon as you come in contact with other people and you start to interact with each other,

You run the chance that you will have a conflict.

And a conflict is a difference in opinions or feelings.

That's it.

That's all of what a conflict is.

It's nothing big and woo woo.

It's just a difference in opinions and feelings.

That's it.

And we all have that.

And because all of us have a different upbringing and have different ideas in our head,

Have a different way how we process things,

We all have different opinions and feelings.

So if you want to have a relationship where you don't have any conflict,

Then it's not going to happen.

Because what you might do is one of the examples how it looks like when you escalate is you avoid conflict altogether,

Letting frustration pile up and eventually you explode.

Because that's what happens when you don't talk about your difference in opinions and feelings,

When you don't share them with your partner,

When you don't solve the issue.

That's what happens.

I had a couple and they told me after two years being together that they've never had an argument and that they are so in love and everything is so beautiful.

And then they wanted to break up just a couple of months later because they never built the trust in each other to share this difference of opinions and feelings.

So the emotional intimacy,

The emotional connection,

The foundation wasn't there because they avoided conflict altogether.

But anyway,

That's one example.

The other example I want to share with you is that your partner brings up an issue and you immediately start blaming them instead of addressing the problem.

So what happens is that your partner says something,

You feel triggered and you feel the need or the want to defend yourself.

And that's when you start blaming them to gain control over the situation.

And often your partner then feels like they have to defend themselves now.

So they start blaming you and then it becomes a blame game.

Blaming,

Shaming,

Shouting and who knows what else.

But it's an escalation of conflict.

Again,

Conflict,

A difference in opinions and feelings.

It happens.

Another example how an escalation might look like is that you raise your voice and say things you don't mean.

And I know it from living here in China that raising your voice,

The louder you speak,

The more authority it's supposed to bring across.

And I have to say it doesn't work for me.

I don't feel like someone is more authoritative over me when they speak louder probably because I know that in the end it's just again a defense mechanism.

They want to gain control over the situation again.

So that's why they feel the need.

I have to protect myself.

I have now to speak louder,

Show authority because I don't know what else to do.

This is a trigger and this is my reaction.

This is my defense.

So that's how it looks like.

And the thing is,

If you don't change that,

If you don't change that cycle of escalating,

It probably leads to resentment because you pile up,

You pile up,

You pile up.

When you have all these examples,

When you're escalating a conflict,

You don't solve the conflict.

You're just escalating it and you're jumping from one to the next.

And you probably have days in between where you don't talk to each other or you give each other a space and don't see each other for some days.

Or you just do like nothing has happened.

But the problem isn't solved.

So you start resenting your partner because you don't trust them.

And you might have heard it.

Many people make fun of it when I often see people then say,

Oh my God,

I can't even stand their breathing.

Or when they eat,

I can't stand hearing them to their food.

That's resentment.

That's where it got by not addressing the issues and not having resolved the issue.

You might be the one who I'm addressing them,

But it never gets resolved.

So resentment just builds up and it can lead to the end of the relationship.

Often when I work with couples,

That is where they are.

When I start to work with them,

They are at the point where they resent each other and is there something left that we can do?

And I can tell you,

It's not the end being at that stage.

It's not the end if you want to work on it.

It's always an issue.

And it also makes communication harder because when you have one argument after the other,

At one point you forget how it is to have a normal conversation.

You forget how it is to just come up to your partner and say,

Oh my God,

This is how I feel.

Just give me a hug.

I need that because you don't trust them anymore.

You worry because you have experienced it in the past with them that when you say something,

When you share your feelings,

Difference in opinions and feelings,

When that conflict starts that you get blamed,

You get shamed or they don't talk to you.

Whatever it is,

How they react in a way that triggers you to then stop it,

Lose trust.

You forget how to have a conversation.

You forget how it is to have that trust and safety and security in your relationship.

So you stop talking altogether.

And that is emotionally exhausting and frustrating.

And it also,

Of course,

Leads then to this emotional disconnect in your relationship because there is no trust,

Because there is no safety and security.

You don't want to share with your partner how you feel or what you think.

You don't feel safe in doing so because you are afraid of having the next argument,

Having the next drama in your house.

Yeah.

Why would you?

So that bond is very fragile.

And of course,

There are ways that you can rebuild that bond because you want that.

You want to have that healthy and open communication with your partner.

You want to have the trust because that's why you're in a relationship in the first place,

To have that person where you can be yourself,

Where you can share your feelings and your opinions without being judged.

Or if they judge you,

You can have a conversation about it,

But not feel ashamed for it.

Or at least them not telling you that you should be ashamed for it.

How you feel is your decision.

So we don't want to put that on your partner.

And like I said before,

You have less drama in your life.

And that affects every area of your life.

You are happy in your relationship because you are happy with the trust and everything you have within and with your partner.

It just ripples into every area of your life.

And of course,

You have the greater emotional safety.

You reconnect emotionally.

And isn't it a beautiful feeling and thought when you know I can be myself around my partner and yes,

They might make fun of me and yes,

They might not understand me,

But they don't give me the feeling that I need to feel ashamed of myself.

They don't see me like that.

Now,

Let me give you three practical steps that you can use,

That you can start today to reconnect with your partner and to stop these conflicts from escalating.

And the first step is the 24-hour resolution role.

And some of my clients also like to do the before we fall asleep role rule.

And it means that you solve the conflict,

The issue,

Whatever it is,

Within 24 hours or before you go to sleep that day.

And the reasons you want to do that,

There are two reasons.

The first one is that you still know what it is about.

And if you wait for another three to four days,

You might not remember what it is about.

You might not remember what was said.

What did you say?

What did they say?

And it becomes wishy-washy.

And again,

We have an unresolved issue.

So you want to resolve it while it's fresh in your head.

The other reason is you want to resolve it as quick as possible so that your body,

Your mind,

Everything can calm down again.

Because when you're in this argument,

You're in a flight and fight position and or freeze and you're just like,

That's shock for your body.

That's hard work.

So we want to calm your body,

Your nervous system,

Your mind,

Everything down so that you can talk calmly,

That you can think calmly,

That you don't take it personally and that you can move on and build that connection with your partner again.

And another thing you could do is you could use I statements instead of acquisitions.

Or like I like to say to my clients that they just leave out the word you.

When you talk to your partner,

Don't say you.

That's sometimes easier than using I statements because we're not used to use I statements.

Many of us are not.

So it's harder to then think about,

Okay,

How can I put this into I?

So for some people,

It's easier to just leave out the word you and talk around it.

However you want to do it,

It doesn't matter.

But why you want to do it is so that you don't add friction,

That you don't blame,

Shame,

Accuse,

That you don't do that because that's how it comes across often when you say,

But you did this,

But you did that.

Like we're accusing,

We're blaming,

We're shaming and that makes the other person usually feel like,

Oh my God,

I'm getting attacked here,

I need to defend myself.

And that's when it all comes back.

And that's how we get into this cycle of blaming and shaming and escalating.

So that's why you want to use I statements or just leave away the you.

It's up to you what's easier to you.

Maybe try both.

And the third thing I want to suggest to you is practice active listening without interrupting.

And I don't mean,

Oh yeah,

What I don't mean is look at your partner and pretend you're listening,

But you finished listening after the second sentence,

Because now you're trying to remember what you want to say to that first part they said.

So in your mind,

You're just putting together the sentence you want to tell them after they finished,

But you don't listen.

That's the point.

You don't listen.

And why you want to listen actively without interrupting is that you might notice that their voice has changed,

Their body language has changed,

Or you might even for the first time,

Listen to what they are saying.

And that's the key.

You don't need to remember and you don't need to remember the answer to something they said at the beginning.

Maybe it's a good thing that you don't remember.

Maybe it's more important what they said at the end.

It doesn't matter.

What matters more is that you stay curious and you stay open.

I said,

What does it mean?

How does this look like?

If you don't understand,

Tell them,

I don't understand what you mean,

What are you saying or how does it affect me?

It's okay to say that because it only means like,

I'm curious,

I've heard you,

Don't know what to do with it.

You can also say,

I hear you.

I feel like I have to defend myself.

I feel attacked and I don't know how to deal with it because I don't want to escalate this conflict.

You can talk to your partner,

But listen to them first so that you get the picture,

What they are actually talking about before you explode,

Before you get into a defend mode.

Yes,

Because remember,

A conflict is only a difference in opinions or feelings.

And that's the end for today.