Letting Go Of Control: When Surrender Is Power

Live Class Recording - Control is often a response to fear. This session explores what happens when control is softened and replaced with conscious choice and grounded trust.
Letting go isn’t weakness, it’s often the most powerful step toward freedom and connection.

Transcript

Letting go of control.

And the first sentence I've written down is that often when we want to control,

When there is this need almost for control,

Is because there is some sort of belief that if we control,

We avoid X,

Y,

Z.

So we believe that the more we control,

The more we can avoid something,

Mostly we think about bad things,

Happen to us.

And in relationships that might be cheating,

That's a big topic,

Particularly when I talk to my clients,

That's a big thing.

The more we control,

The more we avoid this happening to us,

When in case it's the opposite,

But more to that later.

So control often stems from the fear,

Fear of different things that can,

Mostly it's the lack of trust in yourself,

That you can't handle a situation.

Now that seems a bit far-fetched when you hear it for the first time,

That like,

Well,

Fear and what has that to do with the trust in myself?

But if we trust ourselves,

That whatever life throws at us,

No matter how bad we classify it,

That we can handle it,

Might take a minute,

A day,

A week,

A month,

A year,

But that we can handle it.

And because we don't believe in us,

That's where the control,

Where the fear kicks in.

Now,

On the other side from control is surrender,

Just letting it go.

And surrender is the conscious choice to trust,

To trust yourself,

Like I said,

That you can handle whatever life throws at you and that everything turns out for your best,

Even if it might not look like that to start with,

Because that's often the case.

We then call it a lesson,

An experience.

I like to call it an experience.

What an interesting experience.

Other call it a lesson,

Call it whatever you want,

But make sure that you have that emotion,

That body feeling,

That it's for your best.

It's not happening to you,

But it's happening for you.

I've written down a couple of examples to show you how control might show up in your relationship.

The first one is checking on your partner.

And that might be that you check their phone,

It might be that you check their social media if you're very active on social media,

It might be that you check up on them by calling them a lot or sending them messages all the time and expecting then that they answer you back.

That gives you a good feeling when you do all of these things because it gives you the sense of control.

Now you're ahead.

If you find something on social media,

You're ahead,

Gives you that safety net almost like now I know what's going on.

And the belief that because I controlled,

Because I did all of that,

Because I was checking on them.

I can now deal with that,

But in truth,

You can deal with whatever happens either way.

But this way you control the situation,

You gave them all your probably mind space and time to do that control,

That kind of control.

So I've written down two questions I would like for you to answer if you are someone who tries to check on their partner in whatever way that is.

First one is,

Are you worth being with them?

Do you believe wholeheartedly,

Not just like this,

Of course I am.

Now,

Do you believe wholeheartedly with all the love that you can master that you are worth being loved by your partner?

Second question.

Are they worth being with you?

I'll leave it there.

Another example is that you plan every detail of your shared life.

Again,

It gives us safety,

The feeling of safety and security when we plan so we know what's going to happen.

But sometimes planned turn out differently,

So it might not going to happen as you have planned.

But again,

In all of this planning,

There is fear.

Fear that you might not be able to handle what's coming.

Some people tell me that,

Oh,

I'm only planning this so I know what's coming,

What to prepare for.

But that,

Again,

Is a different way of saying,

I don't trust myself in handling any situation.

The best I can.

And that's why we need that control,

That safety net around us.

The more we know,

The more we plan,

The better we can avoid X,

Y,

Z.

The question I've written down for this one is,

How are you reacting when plans go sideways?

What is your reaction?

And if you're someone who's very calm and says,

OK,

I planned it,

Now it's not going to plan,

That's fine.

What else can we do?

That's a good sign,

Because that means that even though you like to plan,

The need for control is or doesn't seem to be very strong in your case.

But if there is panic,

If there is anxiety,

If there is chaos.

Then that might be a sign that there is a lot of fear and a lack of self-trust.

The third example I've written down is rehearsing conversations to avoid vulnerability.

And we often like to do that in our head,

How do I talk about something with my partner that I don't want to share how I'm actually feeling?

I don't want to tell them that I feel insecure.

I don't want to tell them that I'm afraid they will cheat on me.

I don't want to tell them that I'm afraid they will cheat on me.

That I'm panicking,

That they are going to leave me.

Well,

That comes from different reasons,

One of them could be that you believe that you need to be the strong and you don't show the weakness.

But in the end,

It's just what you classify as weakness.

And in my profession,

As a relationship coach,

Being vulnerable and sharing this intimate detail,

Like I feel insecure when you look at another person or when you touch another person or when I see this message,

It makes me feel very insecure and I don't know how to handle it.

That opens up a connection with your partner.

Because it gives them the chance to get to know the real you,

What is behind the facade that you might be very used to showing throughout the day,

Because we all play different roles in our day to day life,

At the office,

At kindergarten,

Wherever you go,

There are different roles.

But how nice would it be if you come home and you can just be and say everything that there is and the other person says,

Oh,

I love that.

I want to be with exactly all of that,

Even though they might not like all of that all the time,

Every day,

24 seven,

That's OK,

But there is acceptance.

And they like the whole package.

One sentence I've written down in this perspective is when you're rehearsing conversations to avoid vulnerability is often instead of saying how you feel,

Showing your insecurities,

Showing your fears,

Talking about your hopes,

It comes out as a demand.

Or like.

Why do you do this?

I don't want you to do this.

And that's the conversation I'm talking about,

Showing that when you do this.

I'm overwhelmed,

I don't know how to deal with it.

Full stop,

That doesn't have to be more explanation,

But that's an amazing start to tell,

To show your partner like,

Hey,

You did this,

I don't know what to do.

It doesn't mean you're weak,

It doesn't mean that you're not strong enough,

It just means like,

Let me figure this out,

Maybe we can figure it out together.

But when we demand,

That's also a sign of control,

We want that other person to behave in a way that feels safe to us.

And I'm not talking about when they physically or emotionally abuse you,

Because then you might want to rethink to stay in that relationship.

I'm talking about when you control by shouting demands towards them.

Because when they then do what you want,

That gives you the feeling of safety again,

That safety net.

If they don't do what you want,

You spiral.

And you want desperately to gain control back,

So you might shout even louder,

You might say things that are not that nice and you shouldn't have said.

So be careful of what you say.

And if you let go of control,

If you are ready to surrender,

To make that conscious choice,

There will be peace and flexibility in your brain,

In your mind,

In your body and in your relationship.

Because if you stop scrolling and checking their phone and just wait,

Because if they cheat one way or another,

Usually it comes out and you will know about it and then you can deal with it.

There is no point.

Of course,

It's your choice.

You can spend your days and nights and every waking hour with obsessing over controlling,

Over checking and every little detail will be examined.

You can do that.

But if you let go and say,

When it happens,

I will deal with that at that time.

That gives you the peace and the flexibility,

Your brain,

Your mind,

Your soul,

Your body and your relationship.

And it gives this it gives way to this authentic connection.

When you talk about this is how I feel,

I don't know what to do.

When you're being honest with yourself and your partner.

That gives room for this connection,

That emotional intimacy that we all want in a relationship,

Because that's what that's in my perspective,

In my experience,

That's what lasts the longest,

That emotional connection by being vulnerable,

By being open.

And of course,

It reduces anxiety and obsession.

As soon as you let go and just know.

I deal with it when it happens,

When I get the letter,

The message,

That's when I.

Jump into action.

But until then,

I enjoy life,

I do whatever I want to do,

What is necessary,

What comes up,

Etc.

,

Because there is this saying that the past can't control the past and you don't know what happens in the future.

But when you obsessing,

Controlling,

You try to control the future,

Even though you don't know what's going to happen.

Now,

Don't get me wrong,

It's a good thing to plan forward.

My partner loves to say that when we go on holiday,

It's good to have a plan.

And at first I thought,

OK,

For him,

That means we have to stick to the plan.

But over time,

We learned,

Yeah,

A plan is nice,

But we're very willing and open to just throw that plan out of the window and do whatever we feel like doing.

And all of that is OK,

There's nothing that is missed because we're together and enjoying the time together.

Now,

Let's move to what to do,

How do you surrender?

And the first thing is awareness.

Become aware that you have this controlling behavior,

That you have this controlling thoughts,

Be true and honest to yourself.

As soon as you give yourself the permission to say,

I am controlling,

I am trying to control my partner,

I'm trying to control my relationship,

I'm trying to control my professional life,

I'm trying to control people around me,

I'm trying to control everything.

That's progress.

That's the first step.

Awareness is the first step.

And the second one is accepting it like,

Yes,

This is me right now,

Here in this moment.

That doesn't mean when we accept that this is what is now is the same in a week,

Because now we are aware,

Now we're accepting where we are at.

So now we can figure out,

Oh,

What do I want?

Do I want to stay this way?

Do I want to be different?

Do I want to think about things different?

Do I want to keep going?

It's all a choice,

But you have that choice.

And when you become aware and you accept it,

That opens up the path to make that choice consciously.

Another thing you could do is to get curious,

Like particularly when it comes to the planning or to checking on your partner.

What does this mean?

What does it say?

Check on them,

Ask them.

So if your plans aren't going as planned.

What could we do instead?

How could we fix this solution,

This situation?

Who can help us?

When you check the phone and you see messages,

What does it mean?

Who is this?

But not in a,

Again,

In a demanding voice.

But curiosity,

Like a little child,

Five year old,

When they say,

Why,

Why,

Why,

Why,

Why?

They want to know everything.

So be that little child,

Ask the questions and ask them with curiosity and not with expectations or demand or judgment.

Because what happens then when you do it in that way is that the other person feel like,

Oh,

My God,

They attack me.

Now I have to defend myself.

And.

We know how that goes,

It usually ends in an argument where it's not just a conflict,

A difference in opinion or feelings,

But it ends in this shame,

Blame cycle where we throw stuff at each other and you did that,

But I didn't,

Wouldn't have done that if you wouldn't have done that.

And you always do this.

So phrases like that come up and doesn't get anywhere.

Because you're already in the cycle,

The best thing to do then is to pause.

Again,

Awareness that you are in the cycle,

There's nothing you can do about what happened,

But what you can do,

You can make the choice to stop here and come back at a point where both of you have calmed down,

Where you can be curious again.

And the third thing you could do is believe in yourself.

That whatever life throws at you happens for you and you can handle it.

It might not be easy,

It might not be pretty.

But you can handle it.

If your partner cheats on you,

Maybe it's a sign that the relationship was going in a direction where you both were so disconnected and this was the the siren that went on saying,

Hey,

You need to change something.

It doesn't mean that you're any,

Any worth less or any less,

That you have any less worth.

It just means like,

Oh,

This is a sign,

Be curious.

It's nothing against you,

Even though they did it and you are the one who's been cheated on.

But often there is a reason for that.

And you don't need to take that personally,

Even though it feels in that moment,

Oh,

My God,

They did it to me,

No one else but me,

But they did it.

But why?

What was the reason for them doing that?

Because there is a saying that I like to teach,

It's everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have at the time.

Now,

There is no excuse for any behavior,

But it explains that sometimes people have so little resources mentally,

Emotionally,

Physically,

Materialistically.

And this is the best they can do,

Even though the best might be sometimes very shite.

And that's where I want you to come in with a curiosity,

What?

What is the reason behind this?

And that brings me to the end of my lecture today.