How To Break Old Family Patterns During Family Gatherings

Live Class Recordings - Discover why family gatherings trigger old versions of you, how to stay centred, and how to choose who you want to be instead of collapsing into old roles. Learn two tools you can easily implement to have a calmer holiday season.

Transcript

Why the same old family patterns hit harder during gatherings and I also have a personal story to share about this topic because particularly when it comes to Christmas I don't go and see my family and that has a particular reason which I'm going to share with you but I want to start to just acknowledging that this topic family gatherings in general it might bring up old wounds it might bring up old patterns so if you go into a spiral while I'm talking and maybe even after just know that it's okay don't blame yourself don't shame yourself don't try to heal quickly or anything around that just sit with it sit with the emotion we call it emotional regulation where we just sit with our body feeling having said that let's start with the triggers the triggers that make some family gatherings probably not that nice on the other hand they can also be very nice but it depends I guess on how you get on with your family and how you have let go of the past so I've put together a couple of things that I want to go through and the first one is familiar spaces activate familiar identity so particularly if you go back to your family home where you grew up there are memories everywhere in this room this happened in that room that happened and we did this when we did that so there is a lot of memory coming back and often with memories emotions body feelings come up how you felt in particular situations in that surrounding so I want you to acknowledge that you come back to your parents place back to your friend's place back to your home wherever that is there are memories and these memories can spiral backwards again it because it's important to acknowledge the awareness that you have and how much you have let go of the past but it can come back and then you have similar behavior and what often happens that I hear that from clients very often that they say it's my family I know them or even it's my partner I know them and with the partner you might know your partner better than your family because what often happens is that you and them they have a certain idea of who you have been and because you're not spending so much time together anymore they don't get the chance to get to know the new you the different you I see that for my family I visit Germany once a year they don't see all the changes that happening in my brain they don't see how I differently react to different situations and the same goes for me I don't see that in them I just like I come back I see them and I still have this old memory this still I this old idea of who they used to be someone that I used to know yeah that happens but you might have changed and you still have this idea of who they are used to be and you might think I can't share that or this is me now they are still the old one and because we take we carry that with us usually there is a lot of resentment towards that because the old version of who they used to be might have done stuff and things to you that you didn't like that you didn't appreciate that you dislike very very much that got you a lot of emotional pain and you believe maybe that they haven't changed they are still that person so when you come back to that family gathering maybe Christmas a birthday a wedding you come with all of these expectations that these people are still the same people and that opens up old wounds particularly if you haven't let go of what happened in the past another thing is that your brain reads family as history and not as present so we have these bias different bias for different people for different families for different scenarios and when you go and see your family your brain automatically goes and what I explained before in all of that history that you had together and it struggles to say oh this is today today is today today is not the past today is not the future today is today and you might again feel resentment towards them because the history so they carry this baggage with them you carry that baggage with you and you expect certain behaviors from them and behavior in the sense of that they do something or that they don't do something it doesn't matter which way it goes but there are expectations because they are history there's so much history and some of the people you know from birth particularly your parents probably not everyone is the same but I know my parents my siblings they are older than me so they know me from birth literally and when they meet me there is still the history like you have done that in the past they carry that with them because they haven't let go of the past we get to that later how you can let go but first we do this and then there is also the third point I've written down is pressure pressure to be there my mom was very clever when I lived in England and it was Christmas time she didn't say oh I want you there she it was just like when are you coming full stop and I didn't want to go I didn't want to go over the years I shortened my stay in Germany for just a couple of days because I didn't want to be there particularly during Christmas and that had different reasons first of all Christmas here in Germany it's cold so you spend most of your time inside in that space all together and even though my parents have a house so but most of the time you spend it in the living room the dining room the kitchen so it was this confined area the other reason was that my brother he is a person that he has a lot of expectation towards people towards situation how they supposed to behave how they supposed to turn out and whenever they don't he gets angry he gets mad he shouts he calls your names and he does that to me he does that to his boy he does that to my parents so and to my other siblings so it's it's like an all-around like I'm not happy and you need to know that and that happened for I think it started when I was about 13 so over 30 years ago almost 35 years ago that's when it happens that's when he came full out in his dislike in his behavior so Christmas for me and for my family was tiptoeing around so my brother doesn't get set off but it didn't matter what we did he exploded at one point sometimes more often than once and what happened then what we did is we just kept quiet because if we said something we tried that of course it's like more and more and then he would get angry and then he would feel hurt and then he would walk away and then he would come back and then we would have to pet him so it was this whole cycle that we created that we deliberately created to keep the peace to keep the family together to have this gathering and I didn't enjoy it and when I moved to England it gave me some space and I realized the first year I went back for two weeks holiday in Germany staying at my parents place and visiting my brother and having Christmas and having other gatherings and it made me physically sick so over the years I shortened these trips over Christmas to five days I arrive on the first I leave on the fifth so I have literally just these three days in between to have Christmas to have in Germany we celebrate on the 24th in the evening so it was the 24th I arrive on the 23rd Christmas dinner on the 24th then the big family came together on the 25th 26th we did whatever on the 27th I was gone and it was for my own protection but at the time when I created that distance for myself I wasn't aware of what is behind it we come to that later as well but that was my situation I tried to avoid particularly Christmas because it's in winter because you're so confined to this indoor stuff and in summer it was like yeah I come for dinner oh now explosion again shit what to do and so we said all that quietly hoping for him to calm down and we created that dynamic we created it not one of us tried to say anything because we didn't want to get the blame the anger so do you have that awareness as well that you create another person's behavior by letting it happen and by you staying there so some other real life examples for part for my own is that you enter your parents home and your confidence drops depending on the relationship you have with your parents yet your confidence drops like with me with my brother it's like I'm shrinking staying quiet and hoping it's over fast now it's not the version of you you are probably being with your friends your chosen family or at work it's a different one particularly during family gatherings your sibling says oh you finally you're here again we come to this history that you have created they see that version of you that has been that's in the past and they carry that with them and it doesn't matter why you're late it doesn't matter why my sister what she told me very often is are you what are you wearing again so there was always something that I was wearing that I liked but she just thought it was hideous and every time she saw me particularly even when I didn't live in Germany anymore she had to tell me the dislike her dislike it was important to her and because she was used to that doing that with me since I was little telling me what she didn't like about me she continued doing it and for me I knew okay if I say something I know that she will be hurt that she might cry and then we have that drama so again I stay quiet another example is that someone comments on your relationship status your weight your job whatever it is I had that very often when in my 30s when I come home and so when are you starting a family it's like let me be but they for my family was they all had already started their family so they went through the stages that society deemed as the right stages that mean my 30s already divorced no children in sight no husband only had a boyfriend it wasn't good and they told me that I miss something it's about me why I'm not at that stage again they see me as the little girl I'm the little sibling and I need guidance I need to be told what I should do how I should do it when I should do it they didn't see the person I grew up to be because I wasn't there they didn't see me regularly they didn't listen we didn't talk about it but they had still that version of me and another example that I've written down is that the family asks so any life updates for me it was and I have that even now particularly when I talk about my business that they asked me so what's new any updates and I would love to talk about my business to talk about how much has changed how it has grown etc etc but the thing is it they're not interested in in that if I tell them that something isn't going well then they jump in that's what they want to hear that when they want to give me the solution that's when they want to tell me what my part of it is and how I need to change again they did that for now almost over 45 years yeah they are used to it and they haven't let go of the past they haven't taken the time to say oh who is she now and I want you to be aware that you might have that awareness you might have that consciousness that I have changed they probably have changed as well so let's be curious about what has changed who are they now but many people don't they simply don't they have their ideas and they stick to that and then they might be surprised like oh you're so different you've never been like this what's wrong with you yeah you don't fit into that idea they created for you anymore and particularly families you have gone through so much there were so many emotional emotional connections that you created over the years that's a very strong bond and to let go of what used to be who you are used to be and to now see this new version and say okay it's hard for some people change is hard for some people they are afraid of it and they are afraid that they lose the status the the comfortness of things staying the same and of course all of this like for me I got very very bad diarrhea if you don't like to hear this it's over but that's how my body reacted to my time being around my family being put into that idea again and no one was interested in who is she now and even when I tried to find out who are you now it was like what do you mean I'm the same old again we come back to the awareness are they aware that they have changed over the years maybe not maybe they have in my case they didn't at the time they didn't so I was left there like okay not liking it waiting for my flight back so the big question now is what to do and I just write down the next thing because so two things that I want to give you on your way the first one is this sentence that I learned during my NLP certification there are 12 principles and the first one that stuck with me the most because it was literally life-changing in regards to my family for me particularly for with my parents because my parents they were on a pedestal and I desperately tried to understand why they did or didn't do things why they wouldn't be the parents they should be why they didn't understand me so all of these questions and many more went through my head and when I read that sentence wow so the sentence is everyone is doing the best they can with the emotional physical and mental resources they have at the time so everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have at the time for me when I read that sentence I was like but they shouted at me they didn't like what I do they didn't support me and then how can that be the best they could do but at that moment in time mentally emotionally physically it was the best they could do there wasn't any more to give that was the best behavior they could display if you want to put it in the in the comment box and let me know what comes up for you when I say this sentence but let I repeat it everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have at the time so it doesn't make it any good what they did even if it's very very very bad in that moment of time it was the best they could do and it wasn't about you it wasn't for you it wasn't against you it was all inside them themselves it was all for them with them it had nothing to do with you you may have been the trigger you may have been on the receiving end but they weren't capable of any more and I want you also to remember that that changes and that is the same for you you do the best you can with the resources you have at the time so your behavior that you displayed today or that you displayed last week and now you regret it you feel ashamed of it think back at the time that was the best you could do today different day different you you probably would do it differently but that just means that today your resources mentally emotionally and physically are different and that's why you would act differently today but last week that was the best so there is no need to feel ashamed of your behavior yes it might not have been a deemed good behavior the consequences that came from it you might not have liked them all fair enough but it was in that moment of time the best you could do and when you walk into the next family gathering remember that that they are all sitting there and whatever they do whatever they say that's the best they can do with the resources they have right now there is not more to give this is all this is all there is and another tool you could use and this is one of my favorites is that whatever happens you say interesting to yourself you don't need to say it to them but there is a shit show going on interesting wow what a shit show wow how angry he is now what that's when you do that what happens is you give your brain time to pause to come back from the past with the history you have with your family and you don't go into the future of uh why are they doing this to me why don't they learn so you just come back to the present and with wow interesting curiosity you bring it to a neutral you're just the observer you step back and say no judgment no shame no blame nothing is needed you're just the observer and observing like a child like wow he's angry again interesting full stop create that curiosity that non-judgment non-shame no blame that doesn't mean that you deem any of their behavior good or bad you don't do that you just take it on as it is because in the end your life is meaningless you are the one who gives meaning to what to everything that goes on that means that you can also decide to say when they try to attack me i don't give it the meaning that i used to give it like interesting they try to get stuff out of me and oh interesting it feels very weird inside me oh interesting i want to defend myself oh interesting i want to say something back and hurt them yeah interesting wow that's what i want to do yeah yeah apart from being curious and stopping your brain to going into a spiral and getting you back to the present you will find that it's quite fun at least i find that when i do that with my family now just like wow here another story um in august because i was born in romania and my parents are now almost 80 and last year we decided all of us siblings parents now and family we go to romania to visit because i haven't been there for the last 15 years and might be the last time my parents will see their own old home so knowing the history with my brother i was like oh shit um but yeah i wasn't the person anymore that i used to be so when we were there it wasn't even five minutes in and he was angry with me and he shouted at me and he told me how stupid i am because i didn't uh tell him that we were coming late no and tears i had tears in my i was crying because i was so overwhelmed with the sheer shouting and anger that flew towards me i was like okay okay i sit here i was like wow wow interesting how how my body reacts to to his energy to his words to his reaction and in that week whenever he yeah exploded i either got up and walked away i said no i know i can't change you i know you are in that space and it's up to you how you want to deal with your anger but i decide that i'm not staying here so i walk away it was a very funny situation we were shopping and he came and he was angry at us he was shouting and i was like why didn't we get cooled beer and i looked at him and i grabbed whatever i said okay i'm walking to the other side of the car don't want to be in that space interesting that this can make him explode and the good thing is or what happens you will see that when you try it there is no resentment there is no anger because my ego wasn't in it because interesting wow and i know that he did the best he could in that situation with the resources he had okay and i made the decision that i removed myself from that situation full stop and we had apart from his explosions every now and again a wonderful time together and we said goodbye we hugged and i felt it and i meant it so i want to give this to you to try it and let me know send me a message how it works for you when you one thing the sentence everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have at the time and the other one is no judgment no shame no blame just be the observer and come back to the present and with that i finish my lecture for today

Reviews

I loved this talk!
ThU!

My father’s favorite way to stop gossip & drama was to say “We are all doing the best that we can”

I have admired that sentiment for years. I hear it in my head often. It helps me.

Thank You!