Guilt Vs. Responsibility: Stop Feeling Bad For Having Needs

Live Class Recording - There’s a difference between guilt and responsibility — but when needs are ignored or judged, it’s easy to confuse the two.
This session unpacks the emotional weight of “feeling bad” for speaking up, asking for space, or choosing self-care, and how to reframe that into empowered responsibility.

Transcript

Let's start.

Let's talk about guilt versus responsibility.

How to stop feeling bad for having needs.

And as a definition,

I put down guilt says I did something wrong and responsibility says I choose to show up differently next time.

And while I was writing this definition,

I thought it doesn't,

It's not clear.

Even I get confused.

So I thought,

Let's just go through the different words and describe them.

What do they actually mean?

And just know there are many different definitions for guilt,

For responsibility,

Et cetera,

Out there.

And these are my preferred definitions that also have shown me to be right or more right,

More.

They're happening more with the clients that I worked with.

So working with over 500 clients,

This is what came out like,

Yeah,

This works for me.

This is a definition that I can work with that feels right to me.

So I want to invite you to listen to that definition and take it on or find your own definition for it,

Because it's a word and the meaning you give to the words,

That's the importance.

So guilt.

Guilt for me,

It's a feeling.

And I think I explained to you a couple of weeks ago,

A feeling is created by your thoughts.

So what are your thoughts?

You have a thought and that creates the feeling,

The feeling of feeling guilty.

Now,

When we go back to the thought,

I believe that the thought only happens when you are not OK with the reason or the outcome of your choice.

So what does that mean?

And just this morning,

Perfect example is I,

Weeks ago,

I was invited to this speed networking event where you meet and then every five minutes you switch the room and talk to a different entrepreneur,

Business person,

Etc.

And at the time I thought,

Amazing.

Yeah,

Let's do that.

And then this morning,

The idea wasn't as exciting anymore.

And I cancelled,

Didn't go.

And then I felt guilty.

So I had that feeling of guilt.

And I thought to myself,

I said to myself,

So.

Why?

What is the thought behind this feeling of feeling guilty?

And what my brain came up with is I had this belief or I had that thought that as a good businesswoman,

You go and do networking so people get to know you.

So your new online group program will sell better because,

You know,

People you can talk to.

Yeah,

That was in my head.

And because I didn't want to be that bad businesswoman,

Like I said,

The reason for not going yet,

Wanting to be a good businesswoman and the outcome now missing out on all these opportunities.

That's what made me feel guilty.

And I think we talked about it last week that we always or usually we default to thinking that what we missed,

What we didn't do was better than.

But that's a different point.

Like I said,

We talked about that last time.

It's up there on Inside Tama.

You can go back.

But this is my little story to the sentence guilt happens when you are not OK with the reason or the outcome of your choice and then choice.

I want you to remember that you always have a choice.

What you might not like is the outcome or the consequences of what you choose of your decision.

And we see that I see that at least it I always have to giggle when I see it on on telly,

Particularly in this action movies where I like I had to shoot him.

I didn't have a choice.

Of course,

You have a choice.

You could choose not to do it and die.

Yeah,

There is a choice.

But you choose.

To kill the other person,

And that's OK,

But it's not OK if you just take or give away your power,

Your responsibility to someone else,

To the circumstances and not say,

Yeah,

I did that.

I choose that.

And even if instincts or muscle memory,

Etc.

Took over in that situation,

It was still part of you.

And I want you to remember that it's your choice.

You have the choice.

You might not like the outcome or the consequences that come with the decision of whatever choice you then make.

And it's easier not to take responsibility.

That's what I've written down here,

Because we love to take to give away.

Because it doesn't feel right,

Because we don't want to see ourselves,

Me this morning as a bad businesswoman.

So I could have said,

Oh,

My dog.

Oh,

No,

They need me.

They need me because I don't know,

They coughed.

I needed to be there for them or whatever it is.

But I choose to not do that.

I choose to just say.

It's OK.

And the empowerment that you have from knowing that you have the choice,

Not just a choice,

You have the choice.

There is always a choice.

And I feel that is very empowering when even if it's in a bad situation,

Like I had clients and I myself was in that situation where I got physically and emotionally abused in a relationship.

And.

At first,

When I have clients who are going or have gone through a situation like that,

At first they say I had no choice.

But knowing or having an idea what they are going through and knowing what I was thinking when I was in the same situation,

I would say the same.

But now.

I know I had a choice and I choose to stay because I was afraid that my partner and my ex-partner would kill me.

I choose living over getting killed.

That's why I stayed.

That's why I stayed in that abusive relationship.

And it was my choice,

Even though I didn't I didn't make that choice.

Obviously,

It wasn't like,

Oh,

Choose,

Do you want this or do you want that?

No,

It was like,

Yeah,

This is what I choose.

But in the end,

I chose.

So I want you to remember you choose.

There's always a choice.

And taking responsibility means awareness and acceptance of a choice you made.

But now let me get into some examples.

And the first one that I put down here is feeling guilty for saying no to sex.

And I see this often with clients that they feel so guilty when they turn down their partner,

Not just intercourse,

Sex itself,

But any sexual activities.

And now here's the thing,

Feeling guilty,

Like we said before,

You don't like the reason or the outcome of your choice.

So,

Again,

It's a choice that you make for not engaging in sexual activities with your partner.

And what happens often is that we have we take we give away our responsibility and say,

Oh,

I'm tired.

It was a long day or the kids have been very,

Very annoying,

Very engaging,

Etc.

So we give away the power.

Taking back the power would mean to say,

I am tired.

Yeah.

But actually,

It's not fun.

I don't get any satisfaction.

And I literally can't be asked to take off my clothes and move around.

And of course,

Why would you engage in a situation where you don't enjoy yourself,

Where you don't feel joy,

Where you don't feel satisfaction?

You don't.

But instead of admitting,

Like,

This is why we love our brain has been trained to go to these acceptable excuses,

Let's put it that way,

Because society accepts when we say,

Oh,

So much to do,

Pressure at work,

Etc.

That's acceptable.

But if we say,

Our sex life is just fucking boring,

That's not acceptable.

So we don't say it.

But you can say it to yourself,

Be honest to yourself.

And with that,

You don't need to feel guilty because you're just saying what it is.

And the guilt comes because of the reason you don't want to be that person that doesn't want to have sexual activities with their partner.

But in the end,

Just accepting,

Becoming aware and accepting that,

Yeah,

But I am actually.

And it's okay.

It takes away the guilt.

So you don't need to feel guilty for saying no to sex,

Become aware for you of your reason,

Of your outcome and take responsibility for that.

And then go from there.

But that's the first step to just be honest to yourself.

A second example I have is feeling bad for taking a solo day away from the kids or partner.

And it's similar to the first example,

Because we figured,

Why do you feel guilty if any of you is out there and feel guilty about having a day off from being mother,

Wife,

Family organizer and everything that comes with it?

Why do you feel guilty?

Because maybe,

Just maybe,

In your head,

Something says,

Oh,

You're a bad mom.

Because you're not there.

And you don't like seeing yourself as a bad mom.

So you feel guilty.

On the other side,

If you would see yourself as an amazing mom and taking time away makes me an even better mom.

If you would believe that,

You wouldn't feel guilty.

Next one,

Apologizing for being upset,

Even when your feelings are valid.

And we love to do that,

Because it's,

Again,

It's very acceptable to apologize for your feelings.

Even this morning,

A friend texted me.

And she said,

I'm very sad.

So I said,

Do you want to talk?

And then she called me and said,

Oh,

I'm so,

So sorry.

It's like I'm all over the place.

And I'm so sad.

I'm sorry to bother you.

I said,

Hold on a second.

It's okay.

I don't need to understand your sadness.

I don't need to understand your reason for being sad.

But you feeling sad,

That's valid.

No one needs to understand the reason or your feelings.

No one,

Just you.

And just because you have them,

That's the validation in itself.

Because often we,

We think,

Or we want the other person to understand why we are feeling sad.

But we forget that that other person,

Whoever it is,

Your partner,

Your parents,

Your siblings,

Your friends,

They haven't gone through what you have gone through.

They don't think the way you think.

They don't interpret the world as you do.

And again,

We're using words here.

When my friend said,

I'm sad,

What she meant was probably a different set that what I would say or how I would mean it,

Because it's the meaning we give words.

And it's usually very different from person to person.

And because you are so different to everyone else,

Your feelings are valid.

Full stop.

Don't try or be upset if the other person doesn't understand you.

They don't,

They don't need to.

I say it's more important that they are just there and sit with you,

Listen to you,

Give you a hug if you want to.

But this understanding needs you to understand that's something that you need for validation that your feelings are valid.

So let me tell you,

They are valid.

You don't,

No one needs to understand it.

They are valid.

Full stop.

Okay,

So let me move on to why would you want to stop feeling guilty?

First,

It reduces emotional self-punishment.

And we love punishing ourselves.

Yeah,

We're the hardest critic on ourselves.

We,

Most of us do it.

But why would we do it?

Because we don't believe that we deserve it.

We deserve to be punished.

But you don't.

Again,

The punishment is just because you don't like the reason or the outcome of your choice.

It's in your head,

And you put it in there or society,

Whoever puts it in there,

And you believe in it.

That's what it is.

But it's not a given,

Not in how you say,

Written in stone.

It's not.

And it also gives you clarity and increases the confidence in your choices.

When you become aware that it's your choice.

I choose this.

Yeah,

It doesn't feel very good,

But I choose this.

The more you become aware,

The more trust you gain into you making choices for yourself and for others.

Because you don't second guesses and guilt becomes something of the past because now you know,

Yeah,

I did this.

Was it the best decision?

Who knows?

We never know.

We never know what would have happened if we would have chosen differently,

But we did this.

Must be a reason.

So let's deal with this one.

And of course,

It strengthens emotional maturity in your relationship.

And that's what we want.

We want our relationship to mature,

To be connected,

To have that emotional intimacy.

And that happens when we are vulnerable,

When we are who we are,

With the good,

The bad,

And the ugly.

And the other person says,

Okay,

I'll take it.

You don't need to understand it.

You don't need to love everything of it.

That's not the point here.

But we say,

I can deal with this.

I can work with it.

So the big question is,

How can you improve?

How can you let go of that guilt and become more aware?

And three things.

So I put first awareness.

What do I feel guilty about?

Like this question,

When you have that feeling of guilt,

What am I thinking?

What are my thoughts towards?

You should be guilty for this.

You should feel guilty.

You should be ashamed of yourself for this.

What is it?

What thought drives that feeling?

Become aware of it and be honest.

Sometimes it's not easy and it can get you to a point where you're scared and afraid and very,

Very uncomfortable.

But try to be as honest as you can be to yourself.

And again,

It's like a training.

The more honest you be with yourself,

The even more honest you become.

Is that right,

English?

I don't know,

But I hope you know what I mean.

The next one is acceptance.

It's okay.

If you feel guilty,

It's okay.

There's no shame,

No blame,

No judgment for feeling guilty.

We just want to become aware of what is the reason what thought comes up.

And I want to remind you that you are perfectly imperfect.

So that's why,

Because you're perfectly imperfect,

You're human,

You feel guilty,

Feel the guilt.

Find out,

Become aware of what is the reason.

Let go.

That's it.

And the last point,

If you don't remember any of this,

Here's my go-to solution.

It's GAP.

My GAP philosophy that I put together because I've seen it working for so many clients over the last 10 years.

Gratitude,

Acceptance,

Perspective.

If you feel the guilt,

Try one of them,

Try all of them.

Gratitude.

What can you be grateful for?

Even if you feel that guilt right now,

Then maybe it's just,

Hey,

I'm grateful that I'm aware of my guilt,

Of the feeling of guilt.

That's it.

That will already calm your body and your mind and your soul.

Acceptance.

Like I accept that I feel guilty.

It's that easy.

Just I accept it.

No judgment,

No blame,

No shame.

There's no need for that.

We can just accept that this is what we're feeling right now.

And then perspective is how else could you look at this?

If you feel guilty now,

If I feel guilty for this,

Is there any way,

Any perspective that would show me that there is no need to feel guilty or how I could feel less guilty?

So,

Change perspective,

Look at it,

Bird's eye view or or like little ant view,

However you want to do it.

Just try to look at it from a different angle.

And that brings me to the end of my lecture today.

Reviews

Thank you for touching on this important topic! It is about agency in all facets of our feelings, thinkinging, acting...and acceptance.