Gaslighting - What Is It And What Can You Do About IT

(Live Class Recording) Gaslighting - a psychological mind game that can leave you questioning everything. It’s not just about lying or having a different opinion—it’s about making someone question their own reality so the gaslighter can maintain power and control.

Transcript

So let's talk about gaslighting and I want to start with the definition,

Because the definition for gaslighting apparently comes from a movie in 1944.

It's called Gaslight and the husband was turning down the gaslight every day just a little bit to confuse and manipulate his wife in thinking she's going insane.

So that's where the terms come from and that is similar to the definition.

I put it into four parts,

This definition,

Which is,

I think,

Important to differentiate to how it started and how we use it today.

So the definition is it's a conscious manipulation.

So it's a that you do on purpose and control of another person's perspective for personal reasons over an extended period of time.

And I think that two important parts of this definition is that it's a conscious manipulation and it's over an extended period of time,

Because nowadays this term gaslighting,

It's a buzzword and it gets used very loosely.

And usually when I talk to clients or when I hear it,

Read it somewhere,

It's used in an argument.

So you have an argument and it's an unhealthy argument.

So that means that you might shout at each other,

That you blame each other,

That you attack each other,

That you criticize each other.

And it gets very heated.

And then maybe the next day or the next time you meet each other,

The other person says,

No,

I never said that.

I didn't do this.

Well,

I put here a couple of things.

So I didn't say that.

That's not what I meant when I said that.

Or you're twisting my words.

Another one is also that never happened.

And it's because you did this.

That's why I reacted like that.

So you're to blame.

It's not me.

You make me do this.

And these phrases are very common.

And that's when nowadays we say,

Oh,

They're gaslighting me.

And I find the difference is,

It's not that conscious manipulation that the people generally do.

It's more like they don't want to take responsibility for their behavior,

Or they might be ashamed that they even done that.

Again,

Not taking responsibility.

Or it even might that they literally forgot.

It's always an option.

Let's give them the benefit of a doubt that you just literally can't remember what you said.

And that you have maybe language issues.

I had a partner when I moved to England.

And of course,

He British from the north.

I didn't understand everything he said.

So I said stuff that I learned at school,

But he learned them differently.

And we often had this communication issue where I said,

That's not what I meant.

But that's what he understood.

Oh,

My dog.

Just a second.

She's running off.

So that's the difference from on purpose and over an extended period of time.

And to nowadays losing this term very lightly in it's someone who doesn't take responsibility.

And it's not on purpose.

It's not that manipulative behavior that they say,

I'm doing this because I want you to think that I want to change your perspective.

It's more like,

No,

Please don't.

Don't do this.

Get away from me.

So I want to make clear that gaslighting is that conscious manipulation,

Something that you do because you want to do it to someone you're aware of it.

And there's more detail on this phrases and why people do it,

What's behind it when they're gaslighting you and how this reflects like a proper gaslighter in the course.

So you can go back and listen to that.

And my next point is what I want to talk about is when you have that,

May it be now with this conscious manipulation or it's just the term you use and people don't want to take responsibility over an extended period of time.

This has or can have very,

I'd say bad influences,

Not just on your physical and your mental health can also ripple into your relationships with family and friends.

It can go into your work experience,

How you are at work,

How you interact with your colleagues.

And it can also take away the sense of safety that you have at home,

Particularly if your partner is the one doesn't want to take responsibility,

Who is gaslighting you in whatever form.

It can damage you.

In German,

We have this proverb,

It says,

Steht der Tropfen,

Holt den Stein,

Which means like every drop is carving the stone.

So it doesn't need to have this big rainfall and big thing.

It can be every day,

A little bit,

Every other day,

A little bit.

And that can have a strong and serious effect on your physical and mental health in particularly,

Because what happens is that it's not just confusing when you argue with your partner,

And when you try to make them see that,

Take responsibility for your behavior.

Didn't you see what you did?

Don't you remember?

And it's not just that,

It can lead to you constantly doubting yourself in whatever you do,

Not just in your relationship.

But like I said,

It goes into your workplace,

It goes into your family and friend relationship,

It goes into your safety at home.

And it can also have the impact that you struggle making decisions,

Because you don't trust yourself.

That's what happens over a long period of time.

When someone is telling you that you are wrong,

Eventually you might believe them.

So you don't trust yourself anymore.

So you struggle making decisions because you doubt it,

You doubt yourself.

And you might even lean on the other person to make that decision for you,

Which then takes away your independence.

And another output,

How it can look like when you have lost the trust in yourself,

Is that you apologize constantly.

Oh,

Now I got it.

And now the big question is,

How do we deal with gaslighting?

And I have one part in the course,

The last part is what you can do if you realize that you are gaslighting people.

I won't go into detail about that here,

But I want to give you an idea what's in the course and how to deal with gaslighting when you are the one who being gaslit.

And as I mentioned before,

It's a lot about your self-trust that you might lose in the process.

So the big first step is to gain that trust back in yourself.

And one way you could do that is to become clear.

There are questions in the course that you can go through,

But in general,

You want to become clear if,

Is this really just now or has this been before?

So if you're in a relationship and now you get all these explanations,

You hear all of this,

You hear the words,

You know what it means.

And you say,

Oh my God,

This is what happens to me.

I don't trust myself.

I struggle making decisions.

I apologize for everything.

That's okay.

But we want to see,

Was this before the relationship or was it before you were in contact with that person where that happened so often?

Because it could be that,

Yeah,

It was before.

So it's not that person or that relationship that triggers it or that is the creator of it is the reason behind it.

Then it means,

Okay,

You didn't trust yourself before this relationship and this relationship might just have triggered more.

It came out more.

It has,

Something has happened inside you that you now realize it more,

But was it before or is it just now?

We need to get clear on that.

And again,

The questions are in the course,

And then you want to ask for an outside perspective because often we are in the woods and we don't see the forest for all the trees.

So an outside perspective might be helpful.

And I say might be because sometimes people are in that situation and they don't know it any other way.

And then when you talk to those people,

They say,

Oh,

This is normal.

It's normal that you doubt yourself.

It's normal that they don't take responsibility for their behavior.

It's normal because that's what's normal to them.

Alternatively,

You could talk to a professional like me or any other psychologist,

Coach,

Therapist,

Et cetera,

To just say,

Hey,

This is what's going on.

What do you think?

But again,

Listen to maybe one,

Two or three people and get their opinions to just see what are they saying and what about this is true because you never know.

I always like to get more than one opinion.

But yeah,

That's what you can do.

Get that outside perspective.

Talk to a couple of friends,

Couple of colleagues,

How much you want to share,

How much are you willing to opening up and telling them,

Sharing with them and see what their feedback is.

Another thing you could do is to set boundaries.

Now,

This is hard,

Particularly if you lost the trust in yourself and if you doubt your decisions,

If you doubt yourself,

If you apologize constantly or any other form,

It's hard to set boundaries,

Particularly the reinforcing of the boundaries because,

Of course,

You can shout it out there and say,

Pardon me,

If you do this again,

I will leave you.

And that's okay.

But reinforcing that to actually then do it,

That's the hard part.

And not just with something like that,

I will leave you,

But even like,

Don't talk to me like that,

Then I will leave the conversation.

Even that turning around during that conversation when you become aware that my boundary has been overstepped,

This is the time to go.

Then to actually go,

That's hard.

So it's setting boundaries is easy,

Hard,

However you want to make it,

But reinforcing it,

That might take a toll on you.

That's where you need your strength and be okay with whatever comes after.

And another thing you could do,

I put this in the course in more detail,

Is prioritize self-validation.

And I put this with my program,

With gratitude,

Acceptance and perspective,

The gap program that I created to just,

You need to accept that you can't change that gaslighter.

It won't happen.

People don't change because we want them to change.

They change because they want to change.

And of course,

You can put all your time and efforts and emotions and heart into helping them and help them see and convince them.

But in the end,

The long-term result will only happen if and when that person is ready to take that step,

To take responsibility,

To change.

Perspective means that it's always two sides of a coin,

Isn't it?

It's your perspective and it's their perspective.

And become aware that there is more to it than what you see.

So,

Even if they don't take responsibility,

There is more to it,

Why they don't want to take it,

Why they are afraid of it.

So,

Don't just look at the surface,

Be compassionate and know that there is more behind it that they haven't dealt with.

Otherwise,

They wouldn't feel the need to push away responsibility or try to manipulate your behavior.

And then there is gratitude.

Be grateful for what you have,

Always.

There's always something good in your life that you can be grateful for.

And focus on that.

Don't jump into the misery that your life might be,

Because that's easy.

That's again,

Going with the flow,

Everything is bad and we're letting go of everything,

Just following that stream of everything is bad.

There's always something that you can be grateful for.

And even if it's a meal on the table,

A roof over your head,

Or just your body waking up and functioning and giving you the strength,

Or you being here,

Listen to this and say,

Okay,

This is my not,

This is the universe,

God,

Whoever you want to call in,

Like,

Yeah,

You're not alone.

And that's the end of my talk today,

Or my introduction to the gaslighting course.

Reviews

Excellent information on GASLIGHTING. Thanks. Truly!

I esp love the thought that you can NOT chg a gaslighter.

A very interesting and helpful track, this is a term l'd heard often but didn't know the exact definition.
Thank you 😊 🙏