Emotional Honesty

Live Class Recording - Often times we believe we need to withhold information in order to protect our partner. In his class you will learn how to express yourself with honesty and clarity so you can create intimacy, not distance, in your relationship.

Transcript

Emotional honesty today.

And if you've been my student for a while,

Then you know that here in my classes,

In my teachings with my one-on-one clients and also in my group coaching programs,

I differentiate between emotion and feeling.

So I give you just a quick run through of the difference,

Because often these words get interchanged.

And that's totally fine.

Because if you don't work with the matter,

Why would you?

But nevertheless,

I want to be clear what we're working here in today,

What we mean when we say emotional honesty.

So when I talk about emotions,

What it means,

It means your body feeling.

And if you remember the thought model that probably taught in some of my classes and also more in my group coaching anyway.

So what it means is you have the trigger and then your body reacts.

So it's your body feeling,

Your body reaction.

That's the emotion.

That's what we talk about when we talk about emotional regulation.

Yeah,

That's what we're talking about,

Not the feeling that comes after,

Because what happens is you have that body connection,

That body reaction,

That body feeling.

Then your brain kicks in and says,

Oh,

What are we doing with this?

And usually you have your patterns,

You have your thought patterns,

Behavior patterns,

Et cetera.

So your brain says,

Oh,

Heart rate's up.

This is what it means.

Here you go.

This is the feeling that we give it.

And from the feeling,

You have the action,

You have the result.

So in this case,

Even though we talk about emotional honesty,

What we mean is the feeling honesty.

But for a lack of a better English,

Which I lack in this case,

Is emotional honesty.

But we're talking about that feeling,

About the interpretation that our brain brings up,

Makes up,

Falls into when we talk about honesty in your relationship,

About emotional honesty.

So I hope that makes sense.

And we all know now that when we talk about emotional honesty in this context,

In this class today,

We talk about the feeling,

The interpretation that the brain came up with and says,

Oh,

I feel sad.

OK,

Maybe I give you like a practical example.

So let's say you have a dinner date with your partner and you're very excited about it and you put extra effort into your outfit,

Your makeup,

Your hair,

Et cetera,

And then you step out and your partner just like.

So that's the trigger that that look from your partner that.

And then your brain,

Your body does something.

There is some body reaction.

It might be literally like a step in the heart that you could feel or something very,

Very subtle that you don't even recognize.

And usually that's the case.

Usually we don't recognize that body feeling,

That body reaction,

But our brain does.

So our brain quickly goes into.

Oh,

They don't like it.

And we feel the interpretation of that they don't like it,

And this is the body reaction is I feel rejected.

I feel ugly.

I feel like I need to change.

And that might be your action.

You turn around and go and change.

And the result is that you have that maybe in your thoughts,

Thrilling around or they didn't like it,

They didn't like it or they don't fancy me,

Whatever.

And it's a distraction and your dinner date is maybe not as special and intimate as it could be.

So just to give you an example of emotions and feelings.

So we talk about the feelings today.

Now,

Let me give you a couple of examples about emotional honesty.

And I've written here down saying,

I'm fine.

When you're not.

And that is not honest,

Is it?

But I know in some cultures and I lived in England for over a decade.

It's quite common that you say,

How are you?

Oh,

I'm fine.

Even though you're breaking inside and there's turmoil and there's grief and there's heartbreak.

You're fine.

I'm fine.

So we get trained from maybe society,

Maybe our parents,

Maybe our colleagues,

Et cetera,

That we don't talk about how we are actually feeling.

And that's why we fall into that pattern.

That's the patterns that I talked about before,

Those behavioral patterns that you say,

I'm fine.

And what happens is you say,

I'm fine.

And some people might say,

Oh,

OK.

And you in your head say,

But I'm not.

You should see,

Particularly when it's your partner and you say,

I'm fine.

And they don't come back and say,

But you don't look fine.

Don't you want to tell me?

So if they don't do that and somewhere in your brain is that expectation,

What happens is they turn around,

Say,

OK,

You said you're fine and you don't like it and you start your resentment path because your expectation didn't get fulfilled.

You were expecting some comfort,

But you didn't get it because you said you're fine.

And they didn't double check,

Triple check,

Didn't just see it.

And no,

What they did is they believed you.

Or they wanted to believe you.

We don't know.

But here why it's important to be honest about your emotional honesty,

About your feelings,

Even though you might not.

Now,

Let me put it differently.

Even though you have this pattern to fall into particular feelings when particular triggers come up.

Even though you always fall into someone didn't fulfill your expectation and now you're sad.

Even though you have that,

You should say,

You should say,

I'm sad.

Not why you're sad.

We're not talking about blaming your partner and saying because you never did this or you always do this.

That's why I'm sad.

No,

My expectation didn't get fulfilled.

Let's be honest.

That's the honesty,

Not just being honest to your partner,

Saying this is what's going on with me,

But also being honest to yourself,

Understanding and knowing that your partner can do whatever.

It's your responsibility,

What you do with it,

What you want to get out of it,

What your next step is.

Not theirs.

It's not their responsibility.

It's not their problem.

It's a you problem.

So don't make a you problem a them problem.

So don't say I'm fine when you're not.

And just today I had a one on one client and they,

He went into this analyzing.

Why am I doing that?

What's behind it?

Why am I saying that I'm sad,

Overwhelmed?

Why?

And that's the thing.

You could go into the why and it's a never ending story going into the why because you go from one to the next to the next.

But in general,

You don't need to know why.

It's a nice to have,

But it's not a necessity to know.

The important part is that you become aware that you're doing it,

That this is your go to pattern.

This is your go to interpretation of the trigger of your body reaction.

And this is the feeling that comes out because your brain goes that particular pattern.

Here we go.

So be honest with yourself and your partner.

Don't overanalyze it,

So it's probably a very,

Very thin path or how do you say?

I don't know,

But I hope you know what I mean that it's keeping the balance.

So another example that I've written down is pretending not to care.

And I've done that myself 25 years ago that I remember thinking that I can't be asked to interact with your feelings now.

So I just pretend not to care.

And now here's the thing.

I know I remember telling one of my boyfriends that I can't be asked right now with your drama.

And they got very,

Very upset.

And I was the bad guy.

I was the one who didn't have any feelings,

Who is cold,

Who yeah,

You can imagine what names they gave me and what they thought about me.

But on the other hand,

It was the truth.

I told them that right now I can't be asked with your drama.

Now,

Here's the thing.

25 years later,

I would still do the same,

But I would word it differently.

Because we want that emotional honesty.

We want you to be open to listen to your partner when they are in what you might describe as a drama state.

We don't want to put their feelings down and say,

Again,

No.

What we want to do is we want to be able to listen.

We want to be in that state to open up,

Be curious and be able to listen.

But we might not be when the situation arises,

When your partner is coming in that state.

So what I would do different now is I would say,

Okay,

I see what's going on here.

I don't know how to react now and what to do.

I would like to give myself and you a couple of minutes and come back and talk again.

Is that okay?

And my experience so far when I did this,

When I was honest with my feelings,

I said,

I don't know how to deal with this.

I don't know what to do.

I'm not in that state where I'm able and capable of giving you the attention you might need or the situation might need.

So I don't know what to do.

Can we come back?

So you may notice that I didn't dismiss.

I didn't say you're overreacting again.

No,

I try to be as honest as I could be with myself,

Maybe in that moment and say,

Don't know what to do.

Don't know how to react.

Give me some time and let's come back in a couple of minutes,

Half an hour and talk about it so that I can give you that attention.

The third example that I prepared is avoiding tough conversations.

And it falls into my second example because often we avoid tough conversations because A,

We don't know how we feel.

We have that,

Like I said before,

That pattern that fall into idea,

Fall into feeling,

Fall into behavior that we're just so well trained on that our brain,

It's like it's the go-to pattern and it's the pattern that feels most emotionally comfortable and secure.

And that's okay.

The important part is that we become aware that we're doing it.

And that's all it takes is just becoming aware and say,

Yeah,

That's what I do.

So when you become aware that this is where you go and you don't want to avoid those tough conversations anymore.

Here's the thing,

Two things actually that just popped into my head because sometimes I know it from my partner,

When I want to talk to my partner about all this feelings,

All this emotions,

All that,

What's going on.

Yeah.

He occasionally feels overwhelmed because he's not that into all of this talk,

Into all of this self analyzing and self observing and self reflecting.

So we need to bear that in mind that where where's your partner?

They might not be at the same level or on the same level as you are.

So be careful,

Don't overwhelm them and don't try to put them down when they're not at that level,

When they don't know how they feel,

When they don't know what to do,

When they don't know how to deal with you,

With a situation,

With an event,

With your mental state.

Some people just don't.

So avoiding tough conversations,

Often we avoid them because we don't want to hurt the other person.

And apart from we don't know or we might not be quite sure what's going on within ourselves,

We don't know what we want.

That's often that I find with my one-on-one clients that they don't know what they want.

They avoid tough conversations because they don't know what they want.

They know they don't want this and they know they don't want to talk about it because they don't know what is it that I'm feeling and what is it that I want to feel?

What is the goal,

The outcome,

The result that I want?

And because you don't know,

It's like,

So I'd rather don't talk.

I just know that I don't want that.

And then what often happens in relationship is when you don't know what you actually want and you just focus on what's wrong,

On the lack.

And then we come to these arguments where it's like you and you never do this.

You always do that,

Et cetera.

And it's apart from being just scratching the surface,

It's not honest.

You don't take the time to think about,

Okay,

This is me.

I'm like this.

So what is it that I actually want from this conversation?

Or what is it that I want from not having this conversation?

What is it that I try to avoid from this conversation?

And I know my partner sometimes says to me,

Okay,

I don't ask you next time because I don't want to get in all of that discussion.

And I say,

Well,

That's blackmail because you're telling me you don't want to tell me stuff when I challenge you.

So you blackmail me and say,

No,

If you challenge me,

Then you don't talk to me,

Then you don't tell me stuff.

So that's not how relationship works.

But here's the thing.

Now I'm with my partner for almost a decade and he's still not gotten used to it.

And I do this quite often.

So I want you to remember that and give your partner some slack,

Give yourself some slack,

Cut yourself some slack,

Because you're learning,

I'm learning,

My partner's learning,

Your partner's learning,

We're all just learning.

And we get to the point where we figure out what works for us.

And what can we let go of?

Just to bear that in mind.

So a couple of advantages and disadvantages.

I think I've built them already in my examples.

But of course,

When you are emotional honest,

You build the trust with your partner.

And for me,

Trust is one of the fundamental part or blocks in a relationship.

And you build that trust when it comes to emotional intimacy and emotional intimacy.

If you're one of my students,

You know,

This probably is that you feel safe and secure in who you are and that your partner,

Pardon me,

Accepts you how you are with what's coming with you.

So the good,

The bad and the ugly,

And that you trust that you can be the version of yourself,

The version of yourself in that moment and don't get judged for it.

So that's the emotional intimacy to say,

I feel safe and secure with this person.

And when you're emotional honest,

Even if you don't know how you feel,

What to do with it,

That's honesty.

When you give that to the world,

To your partner,

It deepens that trust.

It deepens that emotional intimacy.

And of course,

It releases tension.

Because if you by now have avoided or haven't been very honest with yourself and with your partner about your emotional state,

That's OK.

We don't look back in the past.

What happened,

Happened.

But moving forward,

The tension that has built up,

The frustration,

Maybe the resentment,

You could now start to release that by trying in your own way with all the resources that you have right now to be emotional honest,

Emotionally honest.

It's never too late.

Just start somewhere and with the resources you have,

The mental,

Emotional resources you have right now.

Full stop.

No big deal.

The disadvantages,

Of course,

Is that distance grows.

The more unsaid,

Unspoken is between you,

The more resentment builds,

The bigger the disconnect emotionally,

Physically.

Trust,

Respect erodes.

If you want to keep a thriving and healthy relationship in the long run,

Emotional honesty is a good start,

Is a good part of maintaining it,

Starting it.

And of course,

The disadvantage,

If you're not emotionally honest,

Is explosive arguments because you're not saying,

You're holding back.

And like I said,

Even when you don't say,

I don't know what to think or how you feel.

The other person does their own interpretation because we all carry our stuff and what goes then through our brain,

Our insecurities,

Our values,

Our beliefs,

Et cetera,

Just go through there.

And then we do a different interpretation and judgment and resentment.

And loneliness in the relationship,

Because most often when you are not honest about your emotional state,

You disconnect emotionally,

Like I said before.

So you feel like together and yet alone.

You just feel lonely,

Not just alone by yourself,

But lonely like you have.

You can't talk to your partner.

You don't trust your partner.

You believe they don't want to listen to you.

All of these thoughts might go through your head and they keep the distance.

They make it bigger each day,

Probably.

And you feel lonely.

And that's disconnecting.

And that's a very hard way to live and to be in a relationship.

So now the big question is,

What do we do?

And the first one,

What you can do is become aware of that pattern.

Become aware,

Start where you are.

Like I said,

That's always important to go from where you are.

Start,

If you're there,

Start that you acknowledge,

Become aware that,

Yeah,

I'm not talking about my feelings.

That's it.

Become aware.

Think about it,

Become aware and say,

I see,

I see,

I'm not doing that.

And be curious.

You could put an interesting at the beginning because that takes the,

Particularly if you're someone who has these patterns that you think about something about yourself,

Like I'm not talking about my feelings.

And then you might,

The second thought is what's wrong with me?

Why am I doing this?

I'm pathetic.

So if you,

Someone who has these thoughts,

This pattern,

Then a good point could be to start with interesting.

I'm not talking about my feelings.

So what you do here,

Two things.

First of all,

I want you to say it out loud or write it down.

And that helps your brain to just get it out.

Yeah.

We know that journaling,

Writing,

But also speaking,

Speaking it out loud helps your brain to just release it.

And the other thing is as soon as you start with interesting,

You change your state because before you were in this judgmental,

Shaming,

Self-blaming,

And now you say interesting.

Interesting.

And that changes your mind.

You're focusing on something different and interesting to me.

I like to declare it as a neutral point.

It's neither positive nor negative.

It's just neutral.

It's like,

Interesting,

Interesting.

What's going on here?

Interesting.

Things are so big.

Yeah.

It's just interesting curiosity.

So do that.

Another thing you could do is to start your sentences when you talk to your partner with,

With I statements.

Yeah.

That's old news.

We know that not putting,

Blaming,

Shaming the other person for their behavior,

Because we know that that's just the first surface.

It's never the socks on the floor.

It's far more.

And it starts with you.

So like I said,

Be honest.

If you don't know what's going on,

What is actually behind the socks on the floor,

Say that just that,

That,

Yeah,

I see your action,

Always leaving socks on the floor.

And it does something to me that I can't put into words right now.

I statements.

I don't know what to do with this.

I don't know how to feel what to feel.

I don't know how to name it.

I don't know how to put it into words.

Try it.

And of course you can start because I,

When I have one-on-one clients,

I like to give homework to practice because behavior needs to be practiced to become a habit.

And so I want to give you a homework is to start or share something with your partner this week in the next seven days,

Whatever it is,

Whatever,

Even if whatever emotional honest honesty you want to share and haven't yet.

I want you to try and do it.

I want you to just go in it openly curious and see what happens.

Even if you're afraid,

That's okay.

Yeah.

Become aware that you're afraid,

Be curious,

Interesting.

So afraid of talking to them about this.

That's okay.

But try to talk,

Try to communicate and be emotional,

Honest,

Emotionally honest with your partner.

And that brings me to the end of my lecture today.