Boundaries Without Guilt

Live Class Recording - In this session, you’ll discover how to set boundaries without guilt. You’ll learn to protect your energy, rebuild trust in your relationship, and create space for genuine connection - not resentment.

Transcript

We talk about boundaries without guilt and I've put a little quote together.

This quote is,

Every no you say to others is a bigger yes to yourself.

And I want you to bear in mind that this is just for this topic,

For boundaries,

Because if you're someone who says no a lot to opportunities or to invites,

That's a different topic.

There you might want to say more yes than no,

But for this topic,

Every no you say to others is a bigger yes to yourself.

I just assume that we all know what boundaries are.

Boundaries are when we say this is until here and not any further,

And we do them to protect ourselves.

Now,

When it comes to the topic of guilt,

A whole different story,

Because guilt is,

I like to call it like a secondary feeling.

And if you've been to some of my classes,

You know that we differentiate between feelings and emotions.

Emotions are in your body and feelings are the interpretation that your brain comes up with and says,

I feel guilty.

And that goes with every feeling.

Every feeling you have is an interpretation of the emotion in your body.

So when we talk about emotional regulation,

We talk about the body,

Just FYI.

But guilt as a concept is that you feel guilty because of the outcome that you don't want.

It's an unwanted outcome.

And when you say,

I feel guilty saying no,

What you're saying is,

I don't like that.

I don't like how I feel.

I don't like how I feel when I say that and the way you're treating me.

So you don't like the outcome,

The way people treat you.

They might not talk to you.

They might shout at you.

They might start an argument.

They might talk behind your back.

And these are all outcomes that you don't want.

But you say,

I feel guilty because I don't want to hurt their feelings.

And that's not true.

It's just a disguise.

What you're actually saying is,

I don't like it when you don't talk to me.

I don't like it when you're mad at me.

It makes me feel insecure.

That's what you're saying.

But you're saying,

I'm guilty.

I feel guilty saying no.

And you think that you are the center of attention because when you set boundaries,

You're telling the other person here until this point and not any further.

But you feel guilty.

You use that word,

That interpretation,

That is the disguise for saying I feel uncomfortable in how I get treated or how a situation turns out to come because you feel guilty when saying no because you hurt their feelings.

So you use them as an excuse.

Think about it.

You use them,

Their feelings as an excuse for not saying,

I don't like it.

And what you're also saying is,

I don't trust you.

I don't trust you that you are,

Even though you might not be okay and happy with what I just said,

With the boundary that I just said.

I don't trust you that you can get through it,

That you can work through your emotions,

Through your uncomfortable feeling.

And so you avoid it.

You don't trust them to do that themselves.

And even if it might take longer,

It happens.

People need time to adapt.

So I'm just for FYI,

These are my notes that I've written before the session so I can say everything that I want to tell you without forgetting anything.

So let me give you a couple of examples how that might look like,

How the guilt might come up when you set boundaries.

The first example that I have is saying yes to dinner plans when you're exhausted.

Let me share a personal story with you.

We just been to Europe.

We traveled a couple of countries.

One of them was Romania,

Where I went with my parents,

My partner,

And my brother and his family.

And while we were visiting my father's village where we lived for the first couple of years,

This guy came up and my father knew him and they invited us for dinner a couple of days later.

And I didn't want to go.

And I told my dad,

I said,

I'm not coming.

If my partner wants to come with you,

I'm totally fine with that.

If you all want to go,

I have no problem with that,

But I'm not coming.

And he got a bit upset and he said,

Oh,

You again,

You're making trouble.

You're just for no reason.

And that's the thing.

People want a reason.

We like to justify ourselves for why we did that.

And yes,

It's amazing to clarify a situation.

It's amazing when you set boundaries to say,

This is why I'm doing it.

So,

The other person understands.

Now,

The thing with this example is that the experience I had when we went into the courtyard of this gentleman was that I felt like someone was choking me.

So,

We sat there for half an hour and I constantly felt like I'm getting choked.

Telling my dad,

Which I did,

Said,

Well,

I have the feeling that I get choked in there.

I don't want to go back.

And for him,

It's a concept that he doesn't understand.

He doesn't want to understand it.

And so,

He just put it down as Anna is trouble again.

And so,

He got a bit mad.

And then I said,

Okay,

Okay.

How can I make the situation more comfortable for all of us?

And I was okay with him being mad,

But I could see that he got into it.

And I said,

I don't want to feel like that.

I know you might not understand it.

You might not understand what I'm telling you when I say I felt like someone was choking me.

That's okay.

But I want you to respect my decision.

And it took him some time,

I think half an hour,

An hour-ish,

To let go of me being the problem and of me doing that because he felt guilty to tell that guy that I'm not coming.

My daughter isn't coming to your place,

To the sheep that you slaughter for us because that's still a thing in Romania.

So,

He felt guilty for that,

For saying no.

But I thought he can deal with it.

It will be okay.

He will deal with it.

So,

I trusted him to deal with his discomfort and I trusted myself to deal with my discomfort.

Let me give you a second example.

Letting your partner interrupt your work or reading when you're focusing on something else and they say,

Oh,

Just a minute,

Just a minute.

Another personal example.

My partner has this gift that he likes to talk and he can talk about everything and nothing.

So,

When I read,

We had that before,

We clarified it now,

But there was this situation where I was reading and we do that mainly before we go to bed,

My book,

I'm reading and he just starts talking and he expects me to answer.

But I'm in my book and I'm like,

Why are you doing?

He said,

I'm talking to you.

I said,

Well,

I appreciate you talking to me,

But I'm reading.

So,

I didn't listen.

And then he got a bit upset that I didn't listen to him.

And I said,

Can we just agree?

Boundary setting.

Can we agree that when you see me reading,

You come into the room,

You see me reading that you give me a signal like,

Hey,

I have something to say.

And then I will finish my sentence with the reading and finish it.

And when I give you the signal,

Okay,

I'm listening now,

Then you start talking.

Of course,

First couple of times he just started and I was just like,

No,

I'm not looking up.

I'm waiting for him to get comfortable with this new rule,

With this boundary that I set.

And I don't get into it.

I don't get annoyed about it.

I don't feel guilty for not listening to him because I told him this is what we're going to do.

He agreed on doing it.

He forgot.

Can't be asked.

I don't know the reason.

But I trusted him that he will understand in his own time.

And he did.

Couple of times later,

Now he comes in,

He sees me reading,

He says,

Got something to say.

And I finish my sentence,

Look up and say,

Okay,

I'm listening.

Because then I am there.

I'm present.

And he can tell me what he wants to share.

So there doesn't need to be any guilt for you saying,

Hold on a second,

Let's do this.

I can stop.

But let's do it this way so that you can have my full attention.

The third example is agreeing to physical intimacy when you don't want it.

And you might know that sexual intimacy is part of physical intimacy.

So when we talk about physical intimacy,

We're talking about,

We talk about sex,

We talk about cuddling,

We talk about kissing,

We talk about being next to each other,

Sitting next to each other,

Physical contact.

And I remember,

So another personal story.

I remember when I set up my business a couple of years ago,

I was overwhelmed.

I was desperate.

I had all this stuff going on in my head,

Putting me under pressure.

I felt very pressured and I had no thoughts on physical intimacy or sexual intimacy.

It was just like somewhere out there,

But not in my head.

And I felt guilty when my partner wanted to have sexual intimacy.

And in my head,

It was a constant,

Should I do it?

Should I don't do it?

Should I do it?

Should I don't do it?

Because I didn't want to do it if I didn't want to do it.

Forget what I mean.

But I also wanted it to please him to not feel guilty,

To have a couple of days like,

Okay,

Now I have my peace again.

Now I can be in my head again.

And I told him,

I told him that I feel guilty saying no because of these reasons.

And by my surprise,

He said,

It's okay.

You don't have to feel guilty.

If you reject me a hundred times,

Then I might start thinking my own stuff here.

And my question,

If you still want me,

But no,

Don't feel guilty.

There is no need.

And I felt guilty because it made me uncomfortable to see his reaction when I said no.

So remember that you don't like the outcome.

Guilt is you don't like the outcome,

How people behave,

How they look at you,

How they treat you,

Et cetera.

Now,

Here's the thing.

You want to not feel guilty and be honest to yourself that this is the way I feel.

This is why I disguised it as guilt.

And you want to set boundaries without guilt,

Without that secondary feeling that you put on it.

And when you do that,

You build trust in your relationship because you tell your partner,

This is what I need.

And you give them the time to deal with it.

You don't try to pacify them.

You don't try to argue.

You don't try to justify your head off.

You just say,

I give you the time and I sit here in my corner and wait for you until you're ready.

That builds trust,

That builds emotional intimacy for you setting that boundary for you,

Communicating it and forgiving your partner the time to deal with it in their own time,

However they want to deal with it.

And it also reduces silent resentment because every yes you say,

Even though you want to say no,

Is a pinch of resentment in your relationship bucket.

And little by little,

Maybe you know this,

There is an advert in England that says every little counts.

Every little,

It adds up.

One after one,

After one,

After one.

And at one point,

The bucket is full and the resentment is big.

And that leads to emotional disconnection that leads to distrust,

Disrespect even,

And that you don't want to share,

That you don't feel like you can share your thoughts,

Your emotions,

Your feelings with your partner because you resent them.

You don't do it on purpose.

It's a thing that happens.

And it's not just your partner.

It's every person where you say yes,

Even though you want to say no,

You build resentment.

And that's a big disadvantage in a romantic relationship and in any other relationship because it means that you might step back from that relationship little by little.

And it can cause relationship burnout.

You know burnout from work burnout.

It's the same with relationship burnout that you just feel so exhausted because you don't listen to yourself.

It makes you even physically sick.

And emotionally,

You distance yourself.

You try to be something,

Someone that you are not because of that fear,

Because you don't want to sit with that uncomfortable emotion that you carry.

So you say yes,

You say yes,

You say yes,

And you get exhausted and you exhaust your relationship.

And we don't want that.

Now I prepared three things you can do to set boundaries without guilt.

The first thing that you don't do.

So this is a big no-no.

Practice saying no with love,

Like sentences like I'd love to,

But not today.

That's bullshit.

Because it doesn't matter.

It's like when you say kill them with kindness.

No.

Be honest.

Be true.

If you say I'd love to,

Then you would do it.

But you don't love to.

And you don't know if you would love to tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.

So this is just an excuse to postpone the boundary,

The saying no.

And that doesn't serve you,

That doesn't serve your relationship.

Don't use sentences like I'd love to,

But not today,

Another time,

But not this one.

Just don't.

Be honest with yourself and your partner.

Build that trust.

And don't let the resentment by saying I'd love to,

Even though you don't love to.

Again,

Otherwise you would do it.

And not today,

Because you don't know what tomorrow is.

You don't know how you feel and then they come and they say,

But you said not today,

But today is not today.

So do we do it now?

And you say,

No,

I still don't want to.

So you're giving the whole thing like food for disagreement,

For disconnection.

And that's what we don't want.

That's the opposite of what we want.

Another thing you can do is you become aware that you set boundaries or not with or because of guilt.

The awareness is key here.

Just telling,

Acknowledging that you do that,

That yes,

I'm setting boundaries or I'm not boundaries because of guilt,

Because I don't want to be in that place.

I don't want to live with that uncomfortable feeling.

That's okay.

Awareness is the first step.

As soon as you become aware,

It takes the whole thing.

It makes it lighter,

Even though you might not like it because we don't want to see the ugly.

But in order to accept the good,

The bad and the ugly,

That is all you.

This is awareness where it starts to become aware.

And the second,

The other thing you can do is you get clear on your boundaries.

When you set boundaries,

Think about it first.

Like with this,

I'd love to,

But not today.

There's not much thought in it.

Again,

Because you don't know what tomorrow brings and do you actually love to do it?

So be clear on your boundaries.

Why do you want this boundary?

What does it get you?

What do you want instead?

So we want to be very clear so we can have that when we have that conversation so that we can communicate it.

And if you don't know why you want to set a boundary,

How can you explain it to someone else?

And even if you don't explain it,

Be clear for yourself why you're doing it and be honest with yourself.

Even if it's not what you like to hear from your brain or what comes up,

It's OK.

Just be clear on this.

This is my reason why I set this boundary or why I don't set a boundary.

And that brings me to the end of my lecture.