Align Your Desires

Is the lack of physical intimacy in your relationship leaving you feeling lonely and disconnected?
In our live class, we’ll explore ways to reignite that passion, communicate your desires, and make intimacy a priority again. Learn how to create a deeper connection, leading to a more passionate and fulfilling relationship where you feel truly seen, loved, and desired.
(Live Class Recording)

Transcript

Let's continue,

Mismatched libido.

When we talk about the libido today,

What I want you to bear in mind,

We talk about the wanting,

A mismatched want,

A mismatched desire,

Mismatched need for more.

And that could mean when you have a mismatched libido with your partner,

It could mean that you have different desire times that one might be in the morning,

The other one might be in the afternoon or in the evening.

Or you have one wants it more often,

One doesn't want it that often.

One could do it once a day,

The other one could do it once a month or even less.

So you have a different desire.

And of course,

What plays into it very often is when you have any illness,

You know it probably when you have a cold,

You might not be that into having sexual intimacy with your partner.

And it's also often different during pregnancy.

Doesn't mean it's less,

Sometimes it's even more.

You just can't get enough.

So there is a difference and it can bring a little bit of trouble into the relationship when it is so different to what it used to be.

And of course,

We have menopause.

I don't want to go too deep into menopause because there are so many factors and so many things that I would like to talk about.

And I probably do an extra life on this because I think what I have experienced with my clients,

Is a big myth and misunderstanding about sexual intimacy,

Physical intimacy and menopause,

Peri or post.

Anyway,

Let's move forward.

Then what could also bring a little bit of dysfunctioning in your relationship is varying preferences when it comes to sexual intimacy.

When we talk about preferences,

I talk about the positions,

Up,

Down,

Back,

Front,

Whatever you want to call it.

It also the location could be the one loves to do it in the bedroom.

The other one loves to do it in the kitchen,

Standing,

Lying,

Swinging,

Whatever it is.

But the different preferences can cause arguments,

Misunderstandings in your relationship.

It's also the intensity.

I call it flower,

Power flower sex that you maybe prefer,

Or maybe you want to have it hard.

Again,

It's the different preferences that can bring disconnection in your relationship.

We also have kink or bondage,

SM,

All these preferences that might bring disconnection in your relationship.

Another third example I want to bring forward is a different love language.

I don't know if you heard about the five love languages,

And one of the five love languages is physical intimacy.

Sexual intimacy is part of physical intimacy,

And when we talk about physical intimacy,

We also talk about hugging,

We talk about kissing,

We talk about holding hands,

We talk about sitting close together.

And when we talk about the disconnect or physical intimacy issues,

It could also mean that you guys,

Your partner and yourself,

You have a different love language.

It might be that you just love to be close to your partner,

You love to hold hands,

You love to kiss in the morning,

Saying goodbye,

Coming back,

Whatever it is,

And your partner doesn't.

And you might take it as,

Oh,

They might not be that interested in me,

They might not love me as much anymore as they did before,

Or however you want to interpret that behavior.

But it could also just simply be that for you,

This physical intimacy is your way of feeling loved and showing love,

And it's not your partner's or the other way around.

So I want you to reflect on this question,

And I think it's a big one,

And I want you to be honest with yourself,

Like,

How do they say this,

Cross my heart and hope to die if I say something wrong or not true?

And I want you to answer the question,

What do you want,

Honestly,

With all your heart?

And maybe you don't know what you want.

Maybe then it's,

I want to find out what I want.

But what do you want when we talk about physical intimacy,

When we talk about sexual intimacy?

What is it that you want?

The thing is,

We can't move forward and work on a solution if we don't know what is the outcome we desire.

And maybe you say,

A client of mine said,

I just want to enjoy having that physical connection,

Holding hands,

Sitting next to each other,

And not being an automatic behavior,

But being something that I truly choose because I want it.

That was what she wanted to work on.

That was what she wanted.

So I want to encourage you to find out what do you want.

And then when you have that,

When you know what you want,

The next point is to find out the reason behind your wanting or the not wanting.

And this is particularly important when we talk about sexual intimacy.

When we talk about you have different preferences in how often you want sex,

Because from my experience as an intimacy expert and relationship coach,

I had clients who didn't want to have sex because they felt ashamed of their body.

So they avoided any physical intimacy,

The hugging,

The kissing,

Because their idea was,

I know if my partner comes and hugs me,

They want sex.

I don't want sex because I don't want to get undressed.

I don't want them to see me.

That's why there wasn't any sexual intimacy.

And that's why there was an avoidance of physical intimacy,

Because it could lead and they didn't want it to lead to that.

So find out the reason behind.

But sometimes also particularly in long-term relationships at the beginning,

We have this,

What do you call it,

The pink colored glasses,

Rose colored glasses,

And the desire is high and you stay in bed,

You jump from one position to the next and everything is just wow.

And then it fades away year by year.

But what sometimes happens is that it becomes a routine,

That you don't put that much effort anymore into the foreplay,

That you don't put much effort into how you create the mood for having this sexual intimacy,

How you put the effort in for both of you to have orgasms,

To climax for both of you to enjoy what's going on,

The sexual intimacy.

And then the big question is why should you engage in an activity that doesn't satisfy you?

Because as a human,

You enjoy engaging in an activity that you love,

Like a hobby,

That's an activity you enjoy.

And if you really love it,

You'd like to do it as often as possible.

But if you don't like to do anything,

Like for me,

It's cleaning,

I try to avoid it for any costs,

I try to avoid it.

So if it's for you,

The sexual intimacy,

If you don't enjoy having sexual intercourse,

Sexual activities with your partner,

You might not want to do it.

And that's when it comes to,

Oh,

We only have sex maybe once a month,

Maybe every six months,

Maybe it's this birthday thing,

Or it's a bank holiday,

Let's do it.

It could be,

Ask yourself,

What is behind it?

Sometimes my clients also tell me that their mind is full.

And I'm not talking about,

Oh,

You had all day and the children,

Work and all of that,

Because most of us have it.

I'm talking about resentment towards your partner,

That during your relationship,

There was things said,

Things happened,

Feelings hurt,

And you haven't talked about it.

So now you pile up these things,

It's one little thing after another.

And from a little thing,

It became bigger and bigger.

And the resentment has grown inside you.

And now you might even think that,

Oh,

If I show them physical intimacy,

Physical affection,

If I do that for them,

With them,

Because I know they like it,

What do I get out of it?

They have hurt me so often.

So it's this vicious cycle that you get into by not talking about,

I did a life class a couple of weeks ago,

It's called conflict avoidance.

Go back and listen to that one,

Because that's what we do.

You avoided the conflict to have peace and quiet,

Because you weren't maybe not aware what's going on.

You didn't want to talk to your partner about it.

Many reasons why you avoid the conflict,

Because you might even think it's a bad thing,

But it's not.

Conflict is literally and simply just a difference in opinions and feelings,

And it's okay to share them.

But if you don't,

It can build up to resentment,

And then you don't want to be close to your partner emotionally and physically and sexually.

So find out the reason why there is a disconnect,

And then talk with your partner openly,

Honestly,

Without judgment,

Without shaming,

Without blaming yourself and your partner.

It doesn't help anyone.

I always love to say that when it comes to your relationship,

Leave your ego outside.

As soon as you step into the house,

The ego stays outside and you close the door behind.

Because if you want to have this deep,

Intimate connection in whatever way,

The ego has no place in there.

It doesn't help you.

Then another thing you can do is explore together,

Particularly when it comes to sexual intimacy,

Also physical intimacy.

See where,

When we talk about the love languages,

And you have a different love language than your partner,

Maybe you love the physical,

Maybe they love the quality time.

Find out,

Explore,

Where is the happy medium where both of you are happy.

I'm not talking about compromises,

Because compromises means that you let go and you do something that you don't want to do.

I'm talking about finding something where both of you are happy.

It could be that your partner doesn't want to show physical affection in public,

And you say,

Okay,

I can deal with that.

But can I then,

Is it okay if I just go very close to you?

Is that okay?

Or if I,

My parents do this sometimes when,

I don't know what it's called in English.

So one is like this,

And the other one is putting the arm like that,

And then they walk like that.

So they're not holding hands,

But they're having this thing going on.

And maybe that's the happy medium.

Maybe that's something that you both can agree to,

So you have the closeness that you want that makes you feel love arm in arm.

So simple.

So it could be that happy medium,

Find your happy medium,

Find,

Try it,

See what works.

Because relationship,

It's two people coming from two different backgrounds,

Two different experiences.

And now you're here trying to make it work,

But you don't know what works and what works today might not work tomorrow.

And that is okay,

Because we grow,

We change.

That's what we're supposed to do.

So if arm in arm works for you today and tomorrow,

But maybe in a week or in a month,

In a year,

Your partner says,

I think I now don't like that anymore.

It's okay.

Find out what works now.

What is the reason behind it?

And what can we do differently?

See it as a game,

Have fun,

Enjoy your relationship.

Because that's what it's supposed to be,

Joy and love and fun to be together,

To be with that person.

And that brings me to the end of my session of my class today.

Reviews

This was very informative and insightful. I found so much similarity to my current situation. I want to share this meditation with my spouse. Thank you very much for posting this. 🙏🏻