So welcome again,
My name is Anna Thalmann.
I'm an intimacy expert and relationship advisor and we talk about trust concerns or boundaries.
To start with,
I want to say that trust concerns,
They can stem from past relationships and your current relationship,
But they also can stem from past relationship with other people,
Not just romantic relationship,
But also friends,
Family,
Co-workers,
Any experience you made until today that you carried into your relationship.
That might be that people lie to you or that you have been cheated on.
There are many ways that you can lose trust and that you carry that into your relationship now.
And I prepared three probably not so obvious examples how poor boundaries can look like in your relationship.
And the first one is flirting with others.
Do you flirt with others in front of your partner or do you flirt with others only when your partner isn't there?
Flirting in itself,
It's a good thing.
It pushes your confidence.
It gives you an uplifting spirit.
It's a nice thing to do.
And there are people out there who just have this flirtatious personality and they flirt with literally everyone.
So,
If that's you or if that's your partner,
You might look at all of these examples a bit differently because if you have that in you,
That you're just flirtatious,
That you're very close to people,
That you're just charming,
Mesmerizing in your appeal,
Then that's fine.
But if that's not the case,
If you turn on the switch and I'm flirting now with this particular person but not with other people in front of my partner or only when they are not there,
That's how it looks like.
That's how poor boundaries look like.
And then the big question is how far does the flirting go?
Where does it start?
How far does it go?
And if you're the flirter,
You're the one flirting with other people of the opposite sex or if you're in the same sex relationship with the same sex,
What is your reason behind the flirting?
Particularly if you do it when your partner isn't there.
Only then you start flirting.
What is the reason behind it?
Is it maybe attention?
Do you search,
Look for the attention?
Do you look for the confirmation?
Still got it.
Still got it.
Been in a long-term relationship.
Do I still got it?
Yes,
I still got it.
So ask yourself,
What is your reason behind it?
And if it's attention,
If it's confirmation or any other reason,
Ask yourself,
Is there a lack of it in your relationship?
Maybe your partner doesn't give you the attention.
Maybe your partner doesn't give you the affection,
The confirmation.
And maybe that's why you go out and look for it from strangers or people,
You know,
It doesn't matter.
Got here,
My notes.
That's why I'm looking down.
The other point is too close to friends.
And the question is when you talk to your friends,
Are they the ones?
Maybe it's one person in particular.
Maybe it's more than one person.
It doesn't matter.
But are they the ones?
Is that person the one person that you rather talk about your thoughts,
Your feelings,
Your worries,
Your hopes instead of your partner?
That's the big thing.
Instead of your partner.
Having close friends and you talk to your friends about things you might not talk to your partner about.
But if they are the ones that you talk about all of these things and not with your partner,
That's where the poor boundaries come in.
That's when the question needs to be addressed.
What is the reason for that?
Do you lack trust in your partner?
Do you feel unsafe,
Insecure,
Or maybe avoid that conversation because you're afraid of how they will react?
How will they see you?
How will they treat you?
Reflect on that question.
And the other example of too close to friends is being physically close to friends.
And I'm not talking about giving a hug goodbye,
Giving a hug hello,
Or just like poor you and you stroke them.
Is there maybe that one person that when you see them or when your partner sees them that they feel like they need to be close to them physically?
They need to touch them all the time or maybe the hugs that you give are long.
As long as you would give one to your partner or maybe you don't even give your partner such a hug and you give to your friends.
Again,
Ask yourself the question,
What is the reason behind it?
Is it again a lack in your relationship that you don't get the feeling of safety,
Of security,
Of affection,
Attention in your own relationship?
So that's why you venture out and try to get it externally.
Another example is unclear relationship status.
The big question is,
Are you in a committed relationship?
Committed and exclusive?
And the answer for me is either right or yes or no.
If there is something in between,
Like it's complicated,
What is holding you back to make the decision to either be or be not to?
I want you to bear in mind that there is always a choice.
You always have a choice.
You might not like the consequences that come with a particular decision you make,
But you always have the choice.
And in this case,
You have the choice to say,
Yes,
I'm in this committed exclusive relationship,
Or you have the choice to say,
No,
I don't want a committed exclusive relationship with this person.
Why?
Tell that person.
And if you say,
Yes,
I am in a committed exclusive relationship,
Do you verbalize and act on it?
If someone asks you,
Do you have a girlfriend,
A partner,
A wife,
A husband,
Whatever it is,
Do you say,
Yes,
Yes,
I have.
I have that.
Or are you vague?
It's like it's complicated,
Whatever it might be.
If you say you are in a committed exclusive relationship,
Do you verbalize it?
Do you act on it?
And if not,
Ask yourself the question,
What is the reason behind it?
Now let's move on to what can you do to improve that trust in your relationship?
What can you do to reinforce boundaries?
Well,
First of all,
You have to define the boundaries.
You have to define your boundaries first.
And what I mean by that is you sit down and you write down what is acceptable and what is not acceptable.
When we come with a example of flirting,
Where does flirting start?
What is acceptable?
When we come to being too close to friends,
What is acceptable?
What isn't acceptable?
Be aware of your boundaries in the first place.
And while you write them down,
First write them down,
Just nonjudgmental,
No blame,
No shame,
Write them down.
And afterwards,
I would like to come back to them and go through them with your insecurities in mind.
Where,
When you write down your boundaries,
Come your insecurities in.
Where do you try to control your partner,
Their behavior,
Maybe even their thoughts and what they say?
Be aware of that,
Be mindful that when your insecurities,
When you have many insecurities and when they're very strong,
People tend to try to control because they believe if I control,
I feel more secure.
That's not the case.
It's just simply not the case because when you have that,
When you say,
I don't allow you to do that,
I try to control your behavior.
Your partner might not stand up to that.
They might not be able to do that,
To act in your expectations.
And that gives disappointment to you.
So again,
You lose the trust because you couldn't control them.
They didn't do as you said they should do.
And they are disappointed maybe of themselves,
But they are maybe even be very stressed out about your expectations because you put the control on them and they can't live up to it.
So be aware when you set your boundaries,
How much of your insecurities play into these boundaries and how much of it is controlling behavior.
And when you have defined your boundaries,
You sit down with your partner and talk about it.
Your partner might not have thought about their boundaries.
So give them time,
Introduce the topic,
Say,
I want to talk about our boundaries when it comes to flirting,
When it comes to cheating,
When it comes to lying,
What are your thoughts on it?
And if they say,
Don't know,
Set a time when you come back and talk about it,
Because it's important for both of you to have their no-gos,
To know where does flirting starts,
Where does it end,
Where does cheating start,
Where does cheating end?
It's important to have these boundaries to know what it means to you,
But also for your partner to know what it means.
Because when I say,
I don't want you to cheat on me,
I know what it means to me,
But my partner might not know that because they have a different definition of cheating,
Of where it starts,
Where it ends,
Et cetera.
So it's important for both of you to come together and to talk about what does cheating mean?
Where does it start?
How does it look like?
And also be aware of what happens after if there is a cheating situation,
What does that mean?
And what is the reason for that?
It could be that you say,
If you kiss someone else,
That would be the end of our relationship because I don't know how to trust you anymore.
I don't know if I could work through that to trust you again.
I don't know if I would be willing to work on that to trust you again.
So be aware of that,
Be mindful.
And maybe you find even a middle ground.
So here is my request to you to be open and curious and don't take it personally.
Just because your partner says,
I want to hug my friends and you think,
Oh my God,
I don't want him or her to touch any other person.
Think about your insecurities,
Think about your controlling behavior and be open.
What does it mean to them?
Why do they want to do it?
How does it look like?
Again,
Maybe when they say I want to hug them,
It's like a three second hug.
Everything is done.
Everyone is happy.
But for you in your mind,
It's like a squeezing and touching and going all over.
So talk about it.
Judgmental,
Without judgment,
Without blame and without shame.
And the other point is reinforce the trust.
When you have defined your boundaries,
When you discussed your expectations and you're both clear on them,
Lead with example.
Don't expect your partner to be the one who has to do it so that you are doing it.
And also if one of you,
Maybe if your partner oversteps a boundary,
Don't fall into revenge behavior.
Don't go out and try to hurt them because you feel hurt because that hurts them,
That hurts you,
That hurts the relationship.
It doesn't help anyone.
If your partner does it,
Curiosity,
Ask them,
What's the reason for this?
Why did you do it?
Maybe it was unintentional.
Maybe they did it without even thinking or the situation came up and they felt forced into it.
Whatever it is,
Stay curious,
Stay open,
Listen to them,
Ask before you act.
And that's the end of my lecture for today.
We come to an end.
That's all I prepared for today.
