Ending Generational Pain: Family Constellation Healing

Are you carrying pain that isn't yours? Your grandmother's grief? Your grandfather's rage? Your family's unspoken trauma?
Generational pain doesn't disappear—it gets passed down until someone finally honors it and chooses not to carry it forward.
This comprehensive session combines teaching and guided practice. You'll first learn key family constellation concepts—what generational pain is, how family systems work, the orders of love, and why honoring matters more than healing. Then we move into deep healing work—visualizing your lineage, recognizing what you've been carrying, and through physical movements and healing sentences, honoring what was carried while releasing what isn't yours to hold.
This is family constellation therapy made accessible. You can't heal generational pain by trying to fix it or transcend it. You heal it by honoring what was carried, releasing what isn't yours, and receiving the blessing to live your own life.

Transcript

So welcome everyone and thank you for listening Now I've spent years working with people on something that often goes unnamed in families generational pain the pain that gets passed down from parent to child to grandchild often without anyone even realizing that it's happening So today we are going to explore this together I want to first explain how generational pain actually works how it gets passed down and by simply trying to heal it often isn't enough you can't heal what you don't understand and you can't end generational pain by pretending it didn't happen or by just trying to move on from it you end generational pain by honoring it by acknowledging it by seeing it for what it is and saying this happened this was carried and I see it now So we are going to take our time today to explore this we are going to understand some key concepts from family constellation work explain very simply in a way that may resonate with you and then we are going to move into a practice where we'll work with our family system and explore our own generational patterns this is deep work important work and it's work that our world desperately needs more of because when one person heals their relationship with generational pain it ripples out forward to their children backward to their ancestors and sideways to their entire family system so let's begin just find a comfortable position eyes open or closed and just take what resonates for you from this exploration so first let's talk about what we mean by generational pain generational pain is trauma,

Grief,

Loss or suffering that originated in previous generations but still affects you today it's your grandmother's unprocessed grief from losing a child it's your grandfather's war trauma that he never spoke about with anybody it's your great grandmother's experience of violence or poverty or exile that shaped how your family learned to survive and here's the thing they didn't tell you about it maybe they couldn't maybe it was too painful maybe they thought they were protecting you by staying silent maybe the pain was so normalized in their time that they didn't even recognize it as trauma but silence doesn't heal trauma silence just passes it on so you inherited it not the events themselves you were not there for the war,

The loss,

The violence but you inherited the impact the fear,

The grief and the survival patterns the ways of being in the world that got shaped by experiences that were not yours and again the ways of being in the world that got shaped by experiences that were not yours now this is what we call generational or intergenerational trauma and it's more common than most people realize you might be carrying your mother's anxiety without knowing where it came from you might be holding your father's unexpressed anger and you might be living out of your grandmother's unfulfilled dreams or your grandfather's unlived life not because anyone intended this not because you're weak or too sensitive but because families are systems and what happens to one person in a system affects everybody else this brings me to a key concept from family constellation work which is the concept of family systems your family is not just a collection of individuals it's a system a living,

Breathing,

Interconnected web where everyone affects everyone else what your grandmother experienced shaped your mother what your mother experienced shaped you and what you're experiencing right now will shape your children if you have them in family constellation work we talk about something called the family soul and this is Bert Hellinger's term Bert Hellinger is the founder of family constellation therapy the family soul is the deep and often very unconscious knowledge that families carry it's the collective memory the shared pain the unspoken rules and the invisible loyalties and the family soul has what Hellinger called movements and these are patterns tendencies and ways that families organize themselves to try to maintain balance and belonging one of these movements is what's excluded wants to be included what's excluded wants to be included and let me explain what this means when something painful happens in a family a death,

A trauma,

A shame,

A secret families often try to cope by excluding it by not talking about it by pretending it didn't happen by forgetting the family member who caused shame or died tragically or was cast out but the family soul doesn't forget the system doesn't forget and what gets excluded doesn't just go away it finds a way back in and often it comes back later through another family member a child or a grandchild who unconsciously takes on the pain of the excluded person who carries their grief their rage and their fate without even knowing why this is called a systemic entanglement you become entangled with someone else's story someone else's pain because the family system is trying to bring that excluded experience back into awareness I see this constantly in constellation work someone comes in feeling depressed stuck like they are carrying a weight that doesn't belong to them and when we do the constellation we discover they are entangled with a grandmother who died in childbirth or an uncle who was killed in war never spoken of again or a great aunt who was excluded,

Shunned from the family for getting pregnant out of wedlock the family soul says this person existed this pain happened and someone needs to witness it and often that someone is you not because you did anything wrong but because the system is trying to heal itself it's trying to bring back what was excluded back into the light and that's the movement of the family soul another key concept the orders of love in family constellation work we recognize that family systems have natural orders hierarchies and rules and when they are followed they create flow and health and when they are violated they create entanglements and pain here is the first order everyone belongs every family member no matter what they did no matter how much shame or pain they caused has a place in the system when we exclude someone even for good reasons we create imbalance on a soul level the second order says those who came first have priority parents come before children older siblings come before younger siblings previous generation comes before the current generation this is not about power this is about acknowledging the natural flow of life and giving when a child tries to save a parent or carry a parent's pain they are violating this order children can't save their parents children can't fix what their parents couldn't fix and when we try we get entangled the third order is there must be balance between giving and receiving in healthy relationships there is flow you give you receive I give you receive but in families with generational trauma this balance is often disrupted someone gave too much someone received too little someone took too much someone gave too little and this imbalance echoes through generations so when these orders are violated when someone is excluded when a child tries to carry a parent's burden then there is profound imbalance the family soul will always try to restore order often unconsciously often through family members later repeating patterns carrying burdens and living out unfinished business this is how generational pain is created so here is where we get to the heart of today's practice honoring honoring honoring in our culture we are obsessed with healing we want to fix things solve things and make the pain go away and on a conscious level that's understandable pain hurts and we don't want it but with generational pain trying to heal it trying to fix it or transcend it without honoring it will never work because you can't heal something that wasn't yours to heal in the first place your grandmother's grief is not yours to fix your grandfather's trauma is not yours to resolve you can't go back and change what happened to them but the only thing you can do is honor it and honoring means I see what happened I acknowledge this pain existed I recognize what was carried I bow to the suffering that came before me I see what happened I acknowledge this pain existed I recognize what was carried and I bow to the suffering that came before me honoring means I stop trying to carry this for you I stop trying to fix what you couldn't fix I let this pain remain with those it belongs to and I carry only what is mine we often use a phrase in constellation work I honor what you carried and I leave it with you I honor what you carried and I leave it with you this is not coldness this is not abandonment this is deep respect it's like saying your life was yours so the pain that was there in your life is also yours your fate was yours I honor it and I don't need to live it too and when we do this when we truly honor what came before us without taking it on something shifts in the family system the excluded gets included and the unseen gets witnessed the burden gets released and generational pain can begin to end not because we fixed it but because we finally saw it acknowledged it and let it rest where it belongs this is the practice we are about to do we are going to honor what was carried we are going to see who came before us we are going to acknowledge their pain,

Their suffering,

Their fate and we are going to lovingly release what is not yours to carry so now let's move from teaching into practice and if any of this resonated with you get comfortable you can lie down,

You can stay seated whatever feels right for you closing your eyes softening your gaze or keeping them open let's begin the work now just start by taking a few deep breaths and feeling yourself here in this moment in your body breathing in and out and again breathing in and out one more time we are going to breathe in and breathing out good now bring your awareness to your heart to your heart space this is where we feel family where we feel connection and where we feel love and loss and everything in between you can place your hand on your heart if that feels comfortable and you can just repeat my words or receive them I am part of a family I belong to a lineage I come from people who came before me and feel that now not as a thought as a felt reality you are not the first one you are a part of a long line of people who lived,

Who loved who suffered,

Who survived and today we are going to turn towards them towards those who came before towards what they carried and towards the pain they couldn't name,

Couldn't process or couldn't release we are going to honour them and in honouring them we are going to we are going to release what is not ours to carry now we are going to use a little bit of visualisation nothing that you see or imagine has to be perfect even if nothing shows up,

Trust that just by listening you will receive what you are meant to receive today I want you to now imagine your family is behind you not in the front where you are always looking at them and analysing them and trying to figure them out behind you supporting you holding you up behind you supporting you and holding you up your parents are directly behind you your mother is behind your left shoulder your father is behind your right shoulder or whoever raised you whoever held that parental place in your life can you sense them behind you not perfectly not healed just as they are or as they were with all their limitations with all their love with all their flaws and with all their pain I can now see,

Sense or feel my parents behind me and behind them are their parents my grandparents there is four people now behind your mother her mother my father and behind your father his mother and father even if you never knew them even if they died before you were born can you sense them they are all here and they are part of your lineage now behind them are their parents your great-grandparents eight people now and behind them sixteen and behind them thirty-two and further back sixty-four one twenty-eight and now there is hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people behind me all the way back through your history through time through generations upon generations upon generations all of them standing behind you all of them part of the river of life that flows through you your ancestors your lineage your family soul feel the weight of that in the room in the body now feel the weight of that the power of that all the people who lived so that you could be here all these people who survived so that you could exist also feel the pain of that because not all of them had easy lives not all of them died peacefully not all of them were loved,

Free or safe some of them suffered some of them died too young some of them were hurt,

Excluded,

Forgotten some of them carried unbearable pain and that pain,

That generational pain is still here in the system,

In the lineage and you may also be feeling it in your body now as sensations,

Feelings,

Warmth,

Cold,

Tingling or whichever way energy is talking to you feeling what you're feeling,

Sensing what you're sensing and seeing what you're seeing I want to ask you now what have you been carrying that is not yours?

What have you been carrying that's not yours?

What have you been carrying that's not yours?

Maybe you've been carrying your mother's grief the sadness she couldn't express couldn't process and you absorbed it you held it for her you became sad without even knowing why maybe you're carrying your father's rage the anger he couldn't release couldn't express safely and it lives in you now tight in your jaw,

Your shoulders and your fists maybe you've been carrying your grandmother's fear the terror she lived through war,

Violence,

Poverty,

Loss and you inherited her hyper-vigilance,

Her anxiety her sense that the world is not safe or maybe you've been carrying someone even further back someone excluded,

Someone forgotten a great uncle who died in war a great grandmother who was cast out a child who died and was never spoken of again just notice,

Just notice,

Just notice what have you been carrying?

What pain lives in you that felt too big,

Too old and too not yours?

This is important I want you to locate where you feel this in your body where does this generational pain live in you?

Maybe it's in your chest maybe it's in your belly or maybe it's in your shoulders your back and your throat find it for me and feel it this is the place where you've been holding what is not yours find it and feel it now that you've found it now we are going to do something with it I want you to do a simple,

Small movement that represents honoring and releasing place both your hands on your heart now and just feel your hands here this gesture represents holding what you've been carrying as my hands are on my heart now I am holding what I may have been carrying holding the pain,

Holding the burden holding the legacy and holding the loyalty and now as you breathe out just visualize,

Imagine,

Sense as if you are offering or releasing something and the words are,

I give this back every breath out,

I give this back I give this back I give this back you may feel different sensations in your body as you are doing this some of you may have emotions or feelings or some of you may feel nothing at all whatever your experience is,

Just allow it this is the movement of honoring and releasing we hold what we have carried we acknowledge it,

We honor it and then we give it back we let it rest where it belongs now as you do this movement again I want you to say something out loud if you are alone or silently,

Or receiving my words is also fine we are now saying this to whoever you've been carrying this pain for I honor what you carried I see your pain I acknowledge your suffering and I give it back to you with love I honor what you carried I see your pain I acknowledge your suffering and I give it back to you with love let your body feel this now let your system understand this this pain belongs to those who experienced it you are not abandoning them you are just respecting their fate and now we are going to do one more movement a small bow of respect a small bow of honoring in your mind's eye in your vision you can simply visualize yourself bowing down you can bow down to a particular person or an ancestor that you may be aware of or you can simply bow down to your family tree and now as you see or sense yourself bowing down the words are I honor you I acknowledge what you went through and I release what is not mine to carry I honor you I acknowledge what you went through and I release what is not mine to carry this beautiful movement of the family soul is honoring what was and releasing what isn't yours to carry bowing to those who came before you whatever you are feeling,

Sensing or experiencing right now is exactly what you need to feel,

Sense or experience in this moment now we are going to speak to specific members of your lineage I am just going to offer you words feel free to change them or to use your own words let's speak to your mother first feel your mother behind you silently or out loud dear mother I honor what you carried I see the weight that you held I acknowledge your pain,

Your struggles and your limitations you did what you could with what you had I honor that and I release what is yours to carry I am your son or daughter not your savior I love you and I let you carry what's yours and now to your father or whoever held that parental place feel him behind you and once again receiving my words or repeating them dear father I honor what you carried I see the burden you held I acknowledge your pain,

Your anger,

Your grief and your silence you did what you could I honor that and I release what is yours I am your child not your healer I love you and I let you carry what is yours to your grandparents all four of them behind your parents and we say dear grandparents I honor what you carried I honor the times you lived through the hardships,

The losses,

The traumas I see you I acknowledge your struggles and I release what belongs with you your fate was yours your pain was yours I honor it and I do not need to live it and finally to all those further back all the ancestors you never knew all the way back through generations and we say dear ancestors I honor all of you I honor your lives,

Your deaths,

Your suffering and your joy I am only here because you survived I carry your DNA,

Your legacy,

Your strength but I do not carry your unhealed pain I honor what you went through and I leave it with you I am grateful for the life that you gave me and I live my own life now free from what was yours to carry feel the release feel the shift in your system feel whatever you are experiencing now now here's what happens in ancestral work when we honor what was carried the ancestors they bless us not all of them could bless us while they were holding their unprocessed pain but when we honor them when we see them and when we release what we've been carrying for them they are then free to bless us so imagine now all those standing behind you your parents,

Your grandparents,

All your ancestors imagine all of them placing their hands on your shoulders on your back or on your head feel their presence feel their support feel them blessing you and now receive my words as coming from them we see you we honor your life we bless you go forward and live your life you do not need to carry our pain you are free you are free and you are free receive that let that land in your heart let your body feel supported by those who came before you not burdened by them supported by them you are part of a lineage you belong and from this moment on you are free to live your own life feel that in your body feel that in yourselves if you are in some process now you can pause this recording continue we are coming to the end of this practice but this work continues the healing is ongoing take a deep breath in as you breathe out now feel your body feel yourself here feel the release,

The shift,

The lightness or whatever else you are feeling know this you've just done something powerful now you've honored what was carried you've seen the lineage you've released what wasn't yours that ripples out forward and backwards the generational pain will not disappear instantly but it will soften and shift it begins to end not because you fixed it but just because you honored it and chose not to carry it forward so bring some gentle movement back wiggle your fingers,

Your toes move your body side to side and when you are ready if your eyes were closed you can open them remember this you belong to your lineage and you are free both these statements are true you honor those who came before you and you live your own life this is systemic healing this is how we end generational pain not by forgetting,

Not by fixing but by honoring if this practice moved something in you if you felt a shift take that as a beginning and there's so much more for you to explore thank you for being here and thank you for choosing to end the cycle take care of yourself and remember this you carry now your ancestors' strength and not their unhealed pain Namaste